A Quick Fix for the WWE? No Chance, No Chance in Hell
by Scott Bowden
After tapping out in a recent courtroom grudge match to the World Wildlife Fund of all things, the World Wrestling Federation had no choice but to drop the initials WWF in favor of WWE: World Wrestling Entertainment. Now it seems a lot of wrestling fans are taking the WWE's latest publicity campaign - "Get the F Out" - the wrong way. Ratings for Monday night RAW on TNN and Thursday night SMACKDOWN! on UPN are plunging like Superfly Snuka off the top rope. (Sorry for that Jim Ross-like metaphor. I will say, however, that ol' J.R. made me chuckle with his comparison of a Raven knee-lift on last Sunday night's HEAT to a move used by Mr. Wrestling II.)
The ratings drop is so significant that more than a few People's Eyebrows are being raised. Earlier this week VARIETY reported that for the first five and half months of the year, SMACKDOWN! has lost 35% of its 12-to-17-year-old male audience compared with the same period in 2001. Overall, the UPN show has seen its household ratings fall by 10%. Meanwhile RAW has suffered a desertion rate in males 12-17 by 19% year to year. The decline in households is 6%.
Adding salt to the eyes is the departure of Stone Cold Steve Austin, who walked out hours before a live RAW broadcast about two weeks ago, leaving the show's already desperate writers exasperated. When Austin made national headlines days later for allegedly beating his wife Debra, the whole scenario started to play out like a bad wrestling angle. WWE owner Vince McMahon, out to get one last ratings pop on Austin's name, must have sensed this because he teased an appearance by the Rattlesnake on the next RAW. Instead, the Rock appeared in the broadcast's closing moments to announce that he was back. It was a classic promo, really, with the Rock showing why he's still the most charismatic performer in the business. (He's certainly come a long way from those Flex Kavana days in Memphis.)
Trouble is, the Rock's not back. At least not full-time. And when he starts shooting the People's next action movie, HELLDORADO, later this year, he'll have no time to be the People's Champ.
History has shown that wrestling's popularity goes through peaks and valleys. And make no mistake: There is no quick fix for the WWE. No "Ace" Cowboy Bob Orton, Jr. in the hole. That means rebuilding. Vince knows this, but instead of committing to a fresh direction, he pulls the equivalent of a foreign object out of his tights with the rehire of writer Vince Russo. While Russo did in fact help McMahon rebound from the ass-kicking Ted Turner and World Championship Wrestling (WCW) were giving him in the mid-'90s, he's also the same guy who abandoned the WWE to work for WCW. Yes, the Vince Russo whose poor writing of WCW MONDAY NITRO helped lead Turner's company to a burial the Undertaker would be proud of. (Lowlights of Russo's Atlanta run included the transformation of Booker T into G.I. Bro, as well as the crowning of annoying actor David Arquette as World Champion.)
To his credit, McMahon did a quick about-face and quickly demoted Russo to merely a consultant role the day after his latest hire, no doubt in response to negative feedback from an already tense WWE locker room. That's a step in the right direction. Here's six more.
Six things the WWE must do to mount a comeback.
1. Bring back Scott Hall. (Just kidding.)
2. Don't give up on the brand split...yet. When McMahon split the company's roster into two brands, RAW and SMACKDOWN!, he may have limited the group's potential storylines, but he also opened the door for new talent to be pushed. Instead, with the exception of Brock Lesnar (who was already beginning his big push) and Rob Van Dam on RAW, and Edge on SMACKDOWN!, there's hasn't been significant time given to enough new faces. Sure, ratings may go down in the interim with new stars in the mix, but that's happening anyway. Push fresh faces to the moon. With Austin's sudden departure, McMahon seems to already be heading in that direction, which is smart. On the downside, the unavoidable injuries continue to thin out both sides, which may cause Vince to rethink things. Doing so now, however, would be too much like WCW's ill-fated "restart" a couple of years back, which is not what Vince needs in the eyes of the fans...and his boys.
3. Cut the hokey skits and get back to the basics. When the WWE fans' tastes changed in the early '90s, it took a while for the then-Federation to change with them. McMahon eventually shed the '80s cartoon-like show in favor of a more hardcore, ECW-like approach. Don't look now, Vince, but your audience is changing again. With the addition of Hollywood TV writers to the WWE staff over the years, the shows have become more organized and story-driven, but they've also continually strayed further away from the old-school wrestling formula that many fans now in their early 30s loved dearly as kids. The WWE shows lately look more like bad episodes of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (like there any other type of SNL episodes nowadays) than a wrestling show. Microphone legends like Ric Flair and Jerry Lawler established themselves in the Carolinas and Memphis, respectively, in the '70s and '80s with promos that came off as extensions of their personalities. More than anything, you believed them when they spoke. It's hard to watch Flair on WWE broadcasts these days as he stumbles over words clearly scripted for him by some guy who couldn't get a writing job on FRIENDS.
4. Push the strap. Traditionally, Vince has always effectively pushed the WWE's heavyweight championship as the organization's focal point. A lot of the male audience prefers their wrestling as at least a partial illusion of sport. Granted, it's um, sports entertainment, but Vince should be careful that his program doesn't look too much like all the other soap operas on TV. Case in point: the title match between Triple H and Chris Jericho at the last WrestleMania. The Game was making an emotional return from a legit near-career-ending injury to chase the World title. Instead, the buildup for the championship match centered on the relationship between Vince's daughter, Stephanie, and "son-in-law" Triple H, who for the first time since his rich-snob/Hunter Hearst-Helmsley gimmick days, came off like a chump. One night of TV was even devoted to the couple's dog. The Game got the strap back in anticlimactic fashion, although a lot of the live audience at the Toronto Sky Dome had already made its way for the exits after the Hulk Hogan vs. Rock match-up.
5. Make Angle the man. Austin's taken a powder. The Rock's on part-time People's duty. Lesnar's too green to get the strap. Undertaker is old. And don't even get me started on Hogan. Elevate Angle to the next level by making him less of a dork and more like the stud that he really is. Hell, he can legitimately kick anyone in the WWE's ass, so push him that way - first as a bad-ass heel a la Austin years back (he's even got the bald head now), and then turn him. And Vince might want to begin this process now, before Angle makes his decision about whether or not to train for the next Olympics. Side note: loved seeing Hogan tap out to Angle's ankle lock at the King of the Ring. Next, have Angle lose the toupee headgear and push his Olympic ass. Chris Benoit would make a nice backup choice. In fact, Benoit should be immediately mega-pushed to pick up Austin's slack on the RAW side of things.
6. Take Hogan and McMahon off TV. For many, Hogan and McMahon represent a bygone era. The Huckster's latest return was certainly good for nostalgia, but was clearly misread by Vince. Hogan's not the answer, even short-term, and may in fact be a turnoff for a lot of fans who see Hogan on TV and have to wonder if this is all the WWE can come up with. And McMahon himself is so overexposed - now on both RAW and SMACKDOWN! - that people are even longing for the return of Stephanie. (OK, that's a stretch, but...) NWA: TNA owner Jerry Jarrett once said that McMahon's biggest problem is that he's surrounded by yes-men, people who don't tell him what they honestly think of his ideas. Someone really needs to tell Vince that his heel-owner act is stale...now. Maybe Paul Heyman can break the news.
KING of the RING RECAP
Here's a quick summary of last Sunday's King of the Ring pay-per-view (in true Ross-like fashion).
1. Rob Van Dam pinned Chris Jericho with a modified Superfly leap (5-star Frog Splash) from the top rope. A nice series of false finishes to close the bout, which the crowd popped for. Good bout.
2. Brock Lesnar pinned Test. Lesnar survived a vicious-looking Bruiser Brody-like boot to the face to hit his F-5 finisher.
3. Jamie Knoble (w/Nidia) pinned Hurricane Helms after a powerbomb. Helms had his foot on the ropes during the winning pin attempt, but a Baby Doll-like push of his foot by Nidia helped Knoble steal the win.
4. Ric Flair pinned Eddie Guerrero. Lots of old-school Flair spots here, including the Nature Boy showing his white ass and a botched try on a (take your pick: Rick Steamboat-, Sting-, Kerry Von Erich-like) bridge out of a Nature Boy-attempted pin.
5. Molly Holly pinned Trish Stratus to win the WWE's Women's title. Molly got the pin after reversing a Stratus rollup and a using a Nick Bockwinkle-like grab of the tights.
6. Kurt Angle made Hulk Hogan tap out. Great finish to a solid match. Crowd popped when Hogan yanked Angle's Freebird Buddy Roberts-like toupee headgear off once again. Hogan ducked out of an Adrian Adonis/WrestleMania III-like chair shot and attempted his legdrop. Angle moved, caught Hogan's leg and turned it into an ankle lock. In an evil Hebner-twin referee-like decision, the ref didn't make Angle break the hold when Hogan reached the ropes. The best Hogan's looked since his return.
7. Lesnar pinned RVD to win the KOTR. Van Dam attempted a Bill Dundee-like reverse press off the ropes but was caught by Lesnar a la Joe LeDuc and finished off.
8. Undertaker pinned Triple H to retain the WWE title. The Rock came out after the ref took a Tommy Young-like bump. Again, good false finishes that the crowd popped for. Undertaker pinned the Game with a Molly Holly-like yank of the tights. (Don't these guys follow the old-school rule of watching the previous matches? Don't repeat a finish, especially one from the women's championship
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