By Chris Ryall
Monday, June 2
DIAL M FOR MURDER -- 2 AM, TCM
The great thing about this TiVo era is that this classic movie airing at an ungodly hour is no longer a problem -- just watch this Ray Milland/Grace Kelly murder mystery whenever you've got the time.
THE GOLDEN GIRLS: THEIR GREATEST MOMENTS -- 8 PM, NBC
Some would say that their greatest moment was cancellation, but more to the point, we all know how painful this show was to sit through, and yet we all did it. How cruel were all of our parents...?
MONSTER HOUSE -- 8 PM, Discovery
Debut! What's become more prevalent on TV, reality dating shows or home-makeover shows? This particular makeover show transforms ordinary houses into fantasy estates. Which means my crappy place could become the Baxter Building...
YOUNG HOLLYWOOD AWARDS -- 8 PM, AMC
Hey, you're young, you're insanely rich, you're making movies and having all the sex you could possibly want...and you're also a ratings draw, so why not give you an award or two for your efforts? Hosted by David Alan Grier.
FOR LOVE OR MONEY -- 9 PM, NBC
Debut! The wonderful, altruistic folks who brought you MR. PERSONALITY now offer up this minor variation on a very tired theme -- 15 women compete for the chance to have some schlub propose to them, except this time, the schlub has no idea that the winning woman will be given a cool mil. I remember when a dowry used to consist of only an acre of land and a couple heifers.
MORE VEGAS SHOWGIRLS: NEARLY FAMOUS 2 -- 10:30 PM, E!
Season Premiere! Wow, a second season of the show that hopes to someday be as highly regarded as, uh, HBO's G-STRING DIVAS.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Adrien Brody, John Mellencamp
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: William H. Macy, “Good Day Live’s” Steve Edwards, Dorothy Lucey and Jillian Barberie, Jewel
The Jimmy Kimmel Show (with cohost Method Man): George Lopez
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Tom Cavanagh, Patton Oswalt, Kenny Chesney
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Rick Reilly
Last Call with Carson Daly: Eddie Griffin, Cory Branan (R)
Tuesday, June 3
AFI'S 100 YEARS...100 HEROES AND VILLAINS -- 8 PM, CBS
Hosted by the T3-hawking Arnold Schwarzenegger. As long as they make sure to feature a shot of Warwick Davis' Leprechaun chasing Jen Aniston on a tricycle, I'll be happy.
AMERICAN JUNIORS -- 8 PM, Fox
Debut! Parents, lock up your children, the moment we've all dreaded is upon us, as this talent competition for kids ages 6-13 debuts.
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT -- 9 PM, NBC
In case you just haven't gotten enough ogling of women in bikinis in with the show preceeding this, here's two more hours. Just beware of the annoyance factor of hosts Billy Bush and Daisy Fuentes.
KEEN EDDIE -- 9 PM, Fox
Debut! Figures Fox buries a decent show in the summer time instead of giving it a real chance in the Fall...this show sees Mark Valley's cop title character transplanted from NYC to England to team up with Scotland Yard.
THE REAL WORLD PARIS -- 10 PM, MTV
Season Premiere! The same as all the other seasons, only now, when the women get naked, they'll all have hair under their arms.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: TBD
The Late Show with David Letterman: Tom Dreesen, Boys Choir of Harlem
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Miss Dog Beauty Pageant Finalists, Paul Walker, music Jack Johnson
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Redman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Roseanne Cash
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Paul Bettany
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jason Schwartzman, Killer Mike
Wednesday, June 4
BADLANDS -- 4:35 PM, Encore
If you only know Martin Sheen from THE WEST WING, Blockbuster commercials or his constant arrests, you really need to see what he was capable of in this classic Terrence Malick flick.
HE'S HAVING A BABY -- 7 PM, Cinemax
Cinemax is airing a different documentary each Wednesday in June to celebrate Gay Pride month -- this one's about a talent agent going to Saigon to adopt a baby. The same city where the desperate straight men go to adopt underage wives.
ENTER THE DRAGON -- 8 PM, AMC
Everyone should watch at least one Bruce Lee movie a year, and what better flick to start with than this?
THURSDAY THE 12TH -- 8 PM, Bravo
If they'd waited a week and a day, this two-part British mystery could have actually aired on Thursday the 12th and caught more people's attention.
ANACONDA -- 8 PM, USA
The one giant animal movie that even JUMANJI mocks for its poor special effects, this nevertheless features one of the all-time great bad-overacting performances by Jon Voight. And there's some J-Lo and Ice Cube in here, too.
CELEBRITIES UNCENSORED -- 10:30 PM, E!
Debut! Join E! Television as they present this edited, sanitized, censored, fully celebrity-approved, toned-down new show about celebrities uncensored. It'll make MTV's PUNK'D look like high art.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Lisa Ling
The Late Show with David Letterman: Seth Green, Amy Sedaris
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Harrison Ford, Jay Mohr, Terrance Trent D'Arby
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Tyrese
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jerry Lewis, Buddy Guy
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Mira Sorvino, The Doors
Thursday, June 5
THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE -- 10:30 AM, Flix
Those five or six of you out there who have Flix should make a point to catch this John Frankenheimer movie. Frank Sinatra is great as a guy brainwashed to assassinate a presidential candidate.
PERSONA NON GRATA -- 7 PM, HBO
Oliver Stone can't seem to get his ALEXANDER movie made so he fills the hours with this documentary that looks at both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The Russians, Fidel Castro, the mafia and the US government were also involved, no doubt.
STUPID BEHAVIOR CAUGHT ON TAPE -- 8 PM, Fox
I'm pretty sure this is a look back at the just-completed 2002-2003 Fox prime-time season...
44 MINUTES -- 8 PM, FX
After what feels like 44 months of bus wraps and billboards, this movie about a real-life gunfight in LA that echoes the one in the movie HEAT finally airs.
PET STAR $25,000 CHAMPIONSHIP -- 8 PM, Animal Planet
Sure, none of us really need another pet competition, but this one features celebrity guest-judge Fred Willard, and if he's even close to being as funny as he was in BEST IN SHOW, it's worth checking out.
THE 2003 MTV MOVIE AWARDS -- 9 PM, MTV
More and more of Justin Timberlake lately, which is becoming a disturbing trend. He co-hosts here with Stifler. At least it's not AMERICAN IDOL's goofy Justin Guarini, I guess.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: David Halberstam
The Late Show with David Letterman: Paul Walker, Tanya Streeter, Train
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Terry Bradshaw, Eva Mendes, The Eels
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Josie Maran, Vince Carter, Finch
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Jay Mohr
Last Call with Carson Daly: Tiffani Thiessen, Supergrass
Friday, June 6
BABY BOB -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! Look who's sucking now.
DATELINE NBC -- 8 PM, NBC
Old stiffy Tom Brokaw looks at a couple affirmative action admissions cases involving the University of Michigan.
INSIDE FAME -- 8 PM, CMT
Tonight's episode on Garth Brooks shows how fame can make a pudgy, middle-aged country singer so delusional that he thinks he could actually play major league baseball with the San Diego Padres.
PREDATOR 2 -- 8 PM, FX
Well, I guess the timing is good from the standpoint of McFarlane Toys, who recently released some toys of the Predator figure from this movie.
MANSFIELD PARK -- 8 PM, A&E
If nothing else, this Jane Austen adaptation is good counter-programming for the people who'd never dream of wasting a night on Predator 2.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Eddie Brill, Train
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Martin Short, Michelle Branch
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: The Datsuns
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Seth Green
The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn: Eva Mendes, the Buzzcocks
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ashanti, Barry Zito, the D4
Saturday, June 7
BELMONT STAKES -- 5:30 PM, NBC
I realize that there's only a few more horse racing fans than ice skating fans, but I'd remiss if I didn't mention this to the mint julep-drinking crowd.
CARRIE -- 8 PM, NBC
Well, we all know how good these remakes of old Stephen King movies have been so far (See: THE SHINING or the first time this aired). So it makes me dread the day they remake MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE or THE LAWNMOWER MAN.
ICE AGE -- 8 PM, HBO
If you've already seen NEMO in theaters and are looking for another fun computer-generated flick that's good for kids and not bad for adults, well, sit back and enjoy.
TREMBLING BEFORE G-D -- 10 PM, Sundance
Want to feel like whatever religious affiliation you have isn't the most exclusive group out there? Then watch this documentary on ultra-Orthodox Jewish gays and lesbians and think about the uphill battle these people face in society.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE—11:30 PM, NBC
Host Dan Aykroyd, musical guest Beyonce (R)
Sunday, June 8
100 GREATEST SONGS OF COUNTRY MUSIC -- 4 PM, CMT
If at least 40 of these aren't JOHNNY CASH tunes, and if one of them is a BILLY RAY CYRUS song, something's very rotten in the state of Tennessee.
THE 57TH ANNUAL TONY AWARDS -- 8 PM, CBS
If a lot of straight males were ever going to watch this show, this is the year -- one, no Rosie O'Donnell, and two, it's hosted by Wolverine. He's the best there is at what he does, and what he does is...sing and dance fabulously!
MEET MY FOLKS -- 10 PM, NBC
Return! Five guys are competiting to see who gets to take a swimsuit model to Australia, but their parents get in the way. And if you still live at home, hopefully your parents won't let you watch this nonsense.
THE I DO DIARIES: MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING -- 11 PM, Lifetime
Maybe it's only because I'm planning my own nuptials right now but it seems like every couple on any of these wedding shows makes weddings look like the worst day ever.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are planning their victory parade.
Chris Ryall
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