By A.K.
May 29, 2003
Hello, and welcome to my comic book column. The word "column," of course, originates in the 15th century, from the Middle English columne, which comes from the French columna, which if I'm not mistaken is a derivative of the Latin columna, columen (which is akin to the Latin collis). And the word "comic book," of course, derives from the ancient Egyptian word "komicbookoo" which of course means "Pyramid-Building Nerd."
(Aside: I think we're about three years away from some Epic comic advertising itself with the tagline "CLEOPATRA WAS HISTORY'S FIRST BAD GIRL"... I'm going to peg that at about three years away. On the other hand, a devastating apocalypse that wipes out the majority of habitable life on the North American continent? Shit, I've got that at two years from now in my office pool. So, yeah, my charred radioactive skeleton's not going to buy some lame Marvel Cleopatra nonexistent future comic... which in a way makes me happy, but in another way makes me sad... I guess its one of those “glass is half-full, glass is half-empty” things?)
Dude, I almost just burned down my kitchen. Like ten minutes ago. I was cooking some chicken for the first time in, like, two years, when one thing led to another, and WHOOSH -- fire. Jesus... That kind of wakes you up.
So, yeah -- I don't really have any point -- more just a general "WOW! FUCK!" that I thought I'd share. It's just that sort of night. Shit, I'm about to burn down your kitchen, girl. Burn down your kitchen with comic book column lovin'. R&B style this week, that's right...
So, welcome to the week that wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to take this week off to do some trial preparation, but our trial got continued by four weeks-ish. So, here we are. I believe "I'm not even supposed to be here today" is the appropriate movie quote for the occasion.
There was one thing I was going to talk about even if I did take the week off. A small plug about something I'm quite obsessed with, although not something comic book related, unfortunately. Something that SIMPLY COULD NOT WAIT another week, could not wait another second, something that I needed to tell everyone I've ever met about as soon as I saw it.
It’s a 30-second piece of advertising I came across on Monday night. I've never seen it on television, but I found it on the Internet. It’s available in Windows Media format, but if anyone knows if I can get a copy on DVD or how to burn a Windows Media thing onto VCD, I would appreciate the information.
Because lately I've been very confused by ads that seem more focused on being funny than on selling any discernible product. This really seems the king of those -- though I'm not even sure if it's trying to be funny.
Its quite simply the Greatest Hardees Commercial that will ever be made, that could ever be conceived of, that that I could ever ask for, hope for, or imagine.
It is the Citizen Kane of Hardees Commercials.
Here's the thing to keep in mind as you're watching: After you see a commercial, I think you're SUPPOSED to want to BUY the product being discussed in said commercial. Companies spend large sums of money not only on CREATING the advertisement, but on making sure it gets shown on television as well. What it wants, in return, is for people to BUY THINGS -- in this case, you're supposed to want to GO TO HARDEES. Just keep thinking that: You are SUPPOSED to want to GO to Hardees.
I'd also like to link to a REVIEW for the Hardees commercial, by Ad Age. What that particular review fails to evangelicize, however, and what I think elevates this particular commercial to the realm of art, however, is the ACTING. I BELIEVE this kid. I believe him completely -- he really seems like he lived that story. Look at the EXPRESSIONS on his face. Even if he didn't live it, I bet he went and researched Hardees and hung out with Hardees customers, in some sort of weird Deniro Method thing. He's 70s-movie believable. He doesn't belong in Hardees Commercials -- he should be in some Ken Loach movie about British people too poor to eat Hardees. Why some MBA at Hardees would want someone so believable saying what this kid is saying in their commercials, I will probably die without ever having an answer to that question, but...
Some of you out there -- I KNOW -- are doubting me. You didn't even click the link. Here's an excerpt from the AD AGE review of what you're missing: "He does not say whether he actually puked, but based on his grimaces, don't bet against it."
(Others probably saw the commercial on TV and just don't see what the big deal is to me... uhm, sorry? Did this ever run on TV? I can't imagine this on TV, lost in some rotation. It needs a spotlight...)
All I'm saying, and i say this without any hesitation, is that I have not laughed harder or longer this month than when I got sight of the little grace note at the end, the final-fuck-you moment of the 30-seconds. When you see the burger they're selling... It’s... It’s this MONSTROUS crescendo to what is truly one of the most confusingly, horrifyingly honest pieces of advertising I can recall. Its as if Godzilla were to have stomped Hiroshima on the day after -- the damage was already done, and then its just this big monstrous OH FUCKSHIT THE FUCK IS THAT? moment.
I've watched this commercial like twenty-to-thirty times now. Over and over. It really has a strange sway over me.
It’s been a while since I've talked about the comic books, hasn't it? Shit, dude, what's there to talk about? News is slow. If I had to
talk about comic books right now, you know it'd just turn into one big digression about, you know, what happens to Bruce Banner's smegma when he turns into the Incredible Hulk -- whether it "HULKS OUT" as well (EEEEEEEEEW), or whether it inexplicably just wanders off in the deleted scene to that theme music and the backpack... Would you want to read about the Hulk's smegma? I wouldn't. I don't want to write about smegma. I just want to burn down your kitchen, girl. Yeah. Hell yeah.
I mean, we could talk about advertising IN comic books, I guess. Okay, let me grab the latest copy of NEW X-MEN, the one with Sylvester Stallone's COBRA on the cover- that's probably the best-selling comic book that I have handy; I don't read that BATMAN thing that's springing so many nerd-boners. Okay, yeah, let's tie it to comics just to stay a little bit legitimate -- any good ads in what is apparently the 5th or 6th best-selling comic book in the United States? Suddenly, this is a hard-hitting investigative report. "What you don't know about the Hulk's smegma might just hurt your children. News at 11."
A LOOK AT THE ADS IN NEW X-MEN # 141:
There's this creepy Charles Burns-y Altoids comic -- fresh breath apparently makes teenagers not want to kill themselves.
Then there's an ad page for a HULK .. something- movie or game or something. The tagline is "UNLEASH THE FURY." No mention of how Hulk unleashes the smegma- I'm guessing he just showers while in Banner-form, and doesn't do any weird "HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH WITH HULK SMEGMA" type thing. Occam's Razor and all.
Then, some creepy anti-tobacco ad that looks more like a ransom note from a Terry-Gilliam-animated snuff film -- Tobacco is Whacko? Do you think the people who make these believe what they're doing makes any difference at all, or are they just in it for the money? Which is more sad? Discuss.
Whatever PRIMAL is, I would really like it for them to go away. I thank them for handing money to comic book companies with massive debt loads which I rely on in part for my fix, but goddamn, they're fucking up my comic books. They're those awful ads which on one page show a picture of a woman, and then two pages later, show what she looks like when your beer goggles come off. Loathsome ads for what sounds like a stupid game...
This comic has two Hulk ads. I can't even decipher the second one. My god, that's the answer I've been seeking this whole time: They're SELLING Hulk smegma! Is there NOTHING you collectors won't buy? This truly is the Mighty Marvel Age of Smegma. ... God, what the hell is this an ad for? Party supplies? And the next page is an ad for MARVEL COMICS CASINO CHIPS. For the nerd who wants to start his own nerd-exclusive illegal underground gambling establishment? Comic book gamblers: They put the ROUND in ROUNDERS?
That's such a good idea: comic books fans starting underground comic-book-related casinos in their parent's basements? It's the last place the police would ever look. Diabolical...
COMING TO A COMIC SHOP NEAR YOU THIS WEEK
On a weekly basis, we provide a list of products shipping for the current week, as well as those products expected to ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: May 29
The following products are expected to ship to comic book specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
You know what my favorite ad that actually plays on television right now is? The one where Harrison Ford yells at black people. I think its an ad for a movie, but they don't say anything about the plot or characters or premise or anything. Just that at some point? Harrison Ford yells at black people.
That's how they're selling a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE: do you like Harrison Ford? Do you like yelling at black people? Well, we've got the movie for you. That's some pitch... Who can turn that down?
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
PREVIEWS PUBLICATIONS
GAME TRADE MAGAZINE #40 $1.99
PREVIEWS ADULT VOL XIII #6 PI
This volume of PREVIEWS ADULT really deals with questions of morality and mortality that might disturb children. The passages about degenerative illnesses and the ravages of cancer, in particular, are far too disturbing for young children, especially given PREVIEWS ADULT's enthusiasm for detailed descriptions of dental trauma. Also, there are ads for comic books about hardcore fucking. That doesn't help either. Strike two, you might say.
PREVIEWS VOL XIII #6 PI
PREVIEWS VOL XIII CONSUMER ORDER FORM #6 PI
PRIMO FLYER VOL XIII #6 PI
Is PRIMO short for something? What is that word? A PRIMO FLYER sounds like some Guido's name for his car. PRIMO FLYER could totally beat Vince Fontaine's Grease Lightning in a race.
STAR SYSTEM SUMMER 2003 CATALOG PI
STAR SYSTEM SUMMER 2003 CATALOG EXTRAS PI
DARK HORSE
ASTRO BOY VOL 15 TP $9.95
BTVS #57 SLAYER INTERRUPTED (PART 2 OF 4) ART CVR $2.99
BTVS #57 SLAYER INTERRUPTED (PART 2 OF 4) PHOTO CVR $2.99
See, now this would have been a better place for the smegma-related humor, but I jumped the gun. Wouldn't you rather be reading about Sarah Michelle Gellar's smegma? Its summertime, after all.
MIKE MINGNOLA BPRD ZIPPO LIGHTER $29.99
DC COMICS
BARNUM HC (MR) $29.95
DC wants you to spend $30 on a comic book named after the guy who said "There's a sucker born every minute." The irony level's a bit overwhelming, huh?
The art on this might be good, though- I think I've heard nice things about Niko Henrichon, though it seems as if his website is down.
Actually -- its a common mistake that Barnum said that "sucker" line. It was actually his competitor, in connection with the famous Cardiff Giant hoax (you might remember the phrase Cardiff Giant appearing in the Favreau-Vaughn comedy MADE -- it came from this hoax about a statue).
I'm still not buying this, though. Its sounds like that old show Wild Wild West, only instead of James West, Barnum & Bailey... which is sort of a cute idea, but still... Comics in hardcover are pretentious. The occasional book justifies it -- SAFE AREA GORAZDE felt like a hardcover. An action comic about ass-kicking circus freaks? Not so much.
BATMAN #615 $2.25
CARTOON CARTOONS #18 $2.25
CATWOMAN #19 $2.50
FLASH #198 $2.25
I was intrigued by how this comic book further eroticizes dental trauma. The rapidfire hypersatured visuals, rich with Freesmasonic imagery, and the perverse almost-Gaelic dialogue revel in a sort of narcisstic sexuality. Its sort like one of those CREMASTER movies, only with the Flash punching out evildoers and shit.
GLOBAL FREQUENCY #8 (Of 12) $2.95
It's nice to see Chris Sprouse away from those Alan Moore retro books. I'm not a huge fan of this either; the preview of this issue has a nice first page, though -- good old-fashioned hook.
GREEN LANTERN #165 $2.25
HELLBLAZER #184 (MR) $2.75
JLA #81 $2.25
JLA AGE OF WONDER #2 (Of 2) $5.95
JLA SCARY MONSTERS #3 (Of 6) $2.50
JOKER SNOWGLOBE $79.95
Yes, now you'll never forget that magical winter when you were a nerd...
LEGION #20 $2.50
This comic's use of the 30th Century (i.e. the "future") has evolved into a subversive statement on progress and modernity and dental trauma. Consider the juxtaposition inherent to the 30th Century – “3” obviously representing the Christian religions, the Trinity, etc., while 0 surely represents the LACK of belief, the death of God, the triumph of various "-isms." Thus the comic suggests humanity's "future" is doomed due to the tension of these two irreconcilable forces; also, it has the Legion of Superheroes punching out evildoers and aliens and shit, with the kicking and the Braniac and the fighting.
MUCHA LUCHA #2 (Of 3) $2.25
PSH SERIES II HOURMAN & GOLDEN AGE FLASH $9.95
PSH SERIES II LOIS LANE & BIZARRO $9.95
PSH SERIES II SILVER AGE GREEN ARROW AND BLACK CANARY $9.95
Speaking of old lady sex, did you see that old lady on Charlie Rose talking about her book about old lady sex? This retired English teacher who looks like your grandma, she decides she wants some sex. Where do grandma ex-English teachers go for sex? The New York Review of Books. She takes out the following ad in the personals section of the New York Review of Books: "Before I turn 67-next March, I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like." And then she waited for the letters to pour in. And sure enough, they came in from men ages 30 (shame on you) to 70.
The reason you wanted to see the Charlie Rose interview is I think Charlie was getting a bit worked up by the story. Charlie's Rose was blooming. The old lady starts talking about all the amazing conversations she got to have with the very nice men she met for sex, when Charlie interrupts her with(and this is an exact quote), ""You weren't looking for conversation; you were looking for SEX!!!" Charlie just had one thing on his mind...
SUPERMAN #193 $2.25
SWEATSHOP #2 $2.95
Buying this. This is Peter Bagge's (HATE) new comedy series about a conservative elderly comic strip creator and the assistants who help him on the strip. The last issue had two stories, the first of which, some awards show thing, didn't do anything for me, but I thought the second was solidly funny. Bagge, in interviews, seems very confidant about his work here, and so far there's some promise. I'm a little worried the premise will get old fast -- its sort of the reason I don't want to see Bagge doing "high-concept" ideas to begin with (well, maybe "high concept" is unfair), but I'm sticking around for a few issues anyway...
THUNDERCATS BATTLE OF THE PLANETS $4.95
TITANS YOUNG JUSTICE GRADUATION DAY #2 (Of 3) $2.50
IMAGE
AGENTS #2 (Of 6) $2.95
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS #10 $2.99
GI JOE VOL 3 MALFUNCTION TP $15.95
KARZA #4 (Of 4) $2.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE VOL 2 SANTALUCIA CVR #3 $2.95
MISPLACED BLAYLOCK CVR #1 $2.95
MISPLACED GREEN CVR #1 $2.95
MISPLACED MAJOR CVR #1 $2.95
This is a sci-fi or fantasy comic by Josh Blaylock -- some multidimensional thing about a girl. What's interesting is Josh Blaylock is one of the key guys I associate with the 80's revival in comics -- GI JOE, at least. I'm kind of academically curious (academically?) if any of the audience will translate, or if this would have some values that make those books a success.
PARADIGM #9 $3.50
POWERS VOL 4 SUPERGROUP TP (MR) $19.95
SAMMY TOURIST TRAP #4 (Of 4) $2.95
STRANGERS GARCIA CVR #3 (Of 6) $2.95
STRANGERS GOSSETT CVR #3 (Of 6) $2.95
VOLTRON DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE CVR A #1 (Of 5) $2.95
VOLTRON DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE CVR B #1 (Of 5) $2.95
VOLTRON DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE CVR C #1 (Of 5) $2.95
Jesus, Is anything going on in comics? It’s a 4-day week, but... Let me check our sister site Newsarama- what's the most interesting thing going on in comics right now?
Let's see- confirmation on a Batman thing, news on some Epic thing, some anthology, story about Epic, Astronauts in Trouble preview, Hulk, Dreadstar (????)... blah, blah, blah, sales pitch, sales pitch, sales pitch... oh here's something:
Christians.
Anyway, the American Family Association are targeting comic book conventions for being havens of pornography.
The American Family Association -- shit, man, anytime a group has FAMILY in the title, I'm afraid of them. If I ever hear about a group called The HAPPY SUNSHINE FAMILY FUNCLUB in the news, we're all fucked. I think FAMILY is Bible for "We're going to fuck up anything you find fun."
"Historically, the group has targeted any and everything it considers pornography, the 'homosexual agenda,' pro-choice groups, gambling, and promotion of any religion other than Christianity. Currently, the group is espousing boycotts against Disney (for their promotion of the 'homosexual agenda'), a law requiring 'In God we trust” to be put in every classroom in the country, a boycott of Kmart (for selling CDs with offensive content), placing content filters on computers at public libraries to prevent patrons from viewing 'offensive content,' and of course, eliminate government funding of the National Endowment for the Arts."
So religious dipshits have made comic book penises going into comic book vaginas their new way to blame their empty lives wasted obsessing over half-baked beliefs and to ruin everyone else's shit. This is very much bad news.
Let's consider: comics have the porno; some of them have the homosexual agenda going- BATMAN, AQUAMAN, NAMOR; offensive content ... I always honestly no-joke maintain there could be more, but ... they're trying real hard; gambling we've got now thanks to the Marvel Comic poker chips; and promotion of any religion other than Christianity -- there's plenty between Vertigo, Alan Moore, She-Hulk, and Grant Morrison.
So, we've got everything but pro-choice groups. And dammit, my Epic pitch was all about Wolverine performing back-alley abortions with his claws.
(Back alley abortion side-note: Neil Gaiman once said in an interview that he wanted to do a comic about how Dr. strange raised money for his trip to Tibet by performing back-alley abortions, but that was when Marvel was all stodgy... DAMMIT, we were so close to the 100%!!!)
All of which suggests one thing: GODDAMMIT WHY DON'T COMICS SELL BETTER??? Come on! We got almost all the shit people want! And who doesn't love back-alley coat hanger abortions? THE DAY WOLVERINE MADE THE BABIES GO AWAY should sell like hotcakes- I blame the retailers.
So the American Family Association asked the Make-a-Wish foundation to not take money to help dying kids from comic book conventions because comic book conventions have porno at them. Which -- on the one hand, I love pornography, but on the other hand, I hate dying kids, so... I don't even know how to feel about this story.
Here's a quote from probable-closet-case Randy Sharp, "director of special projects"(isn't it scary that they have special projects- it sounds like they arrange military coups in South American countries): ""It is ironic that Make-A-Wish fulfills the dreams of children with life-threatening illnesses, but uses money from an industry that devalues women and shatters families."
Is that really irony? See, I don't think that's irony as I understand the meaning of the word irony. And comic books shatter families? Man, I want to meet the pimply nerd family that was shattered by a comic book? "Dad kept yelling Hulk Smash when he beat my mother. And he'd get into these drunken digressions about Hulk Smegma with my little sister -- totally inappropriate." Man, growing up with an abusive father is one thing, but when the abusive father is a nerd, what's more -- god, that must be the fucking worst... Some guy in Spock ears and a Captain America t-shirt beating the shit out of your mom -- that's where serial killers come from, I bet.
Apparently the Muscular Dystrophy Association folded to the organization when they asked the MDA to stop taking money from the convention. Which... all these charities are crooked anyway; go look how much their staff gets paid. Still: okay. Good. Fuck 'em- Fuck 'em in the ass- they can keep their MS. You know who deserves MS? PUSSIES.
That seems to be what the story comes down to, doesn't it? Pussy religious freaks who are too pussy to deal with the real world so they wrap themselves up so tightly into some pussy delusional fantasy about how the world is SUPPOSED TO BE based on one pussy religion or another, are now forcing pussy charities not to take the money of a bunch of comic book fans(who aren't pussies because of anything regarding this story, but are probably pussies in some other way, like they keep buying some pussy comic book about Batman constantly being a pussy issue after pussy issue because the people in charge are too pussy to do anything interesting).
That? That is a lot of pussy.
The story then takes a turn for the depressing where they talk about how these do-gooder fucks can now target comic book shops and close them down. There's been a string of bad court cases -- the worst of which this highlights is a Texas case where a comic shop owner sold obscene material... to an adult.
Here's one of many reasons I find that story so deeply offensive: Texas? I have this image in my head of Texas, and that image is simply this: You can do whatever the fuck you want in Texas. Its not as bad as Las Vegas, where I'm pretty sure I could just take a shit on a crowded sidewalk onto a small baby girl if I wanted to and not feel like I've done anything revolutionary, but still: I associate Texas with a sort of laissez-faire freedom-loving Yee-Hah attitude. Want to own a pollution factory where you just make pollution to export to places that don't have enough pollution, and the factory runs off the blood of bald eagles? Go to Texas. Want to start a strip club in a day care center? Go to Texas. Want to own a small arsenal of guns and knives and flamethrowers and bazookas and really sharp teeth that you plied out of the Man in Black Pajamas back in Nam that you've now sharpened into deadly Taiwanese Throwing Teeth? Go to Waco. Want to marry your sister?
But if the comic book meat goes into the comic book taco, then all hell breaks loose? PUSSY TEXANS! THEY'VE PUSSIFIED TEXAS NOW! HAVE THEY NO CONSCIENCE???
The irony: even if they shut down all the comic shops, I'll still be able to buy manga in bookstores -- that's where you buy manga. And if you want really fucked up violence or porno? YOu go to the Japanese. In a way, these people are eliminating all the non-offensive stuff and JUST leaving the world safe for hardcore...
But that's okay because kids shouldn't see sexual imagery from comic books. They should make do with movies, television, MAXIM, COSMO, STUFF, FHM, music, music videos, videos about the making of music videos, Hardees commercials, and .. oh yeah, their classmates who all dress like whores now. Man, those kids are going to be so INNOCENT without Greg Horn's shitty art fucking them up (and none of this is to defend Greg Horn who should really cut it the fuck out, but that's more just because it's CREEEEEEPY, not because I give a fuck about stupid fucking kids). And say that these freakos manage to keep any information about sex from their kids -- what does that mean?
SMEGMA -- they won't know enough to clean off their smegma. And all that just leads to is penile cancer or prostate cancer, whichever- prostate cancer's already killing more men a year than about any other disease.
So yeah: these people want us to have prostate cancer? Fuck them- I hope they get MS. That's my motto.
The real irony is I read comic books to take my mind away from thinking about these assholes, to begin with. Haha, yeah- these sorts of groups are one of the few things I actually get genuinely mad about. Oh, also Newsarma reports that GI JOE is going weekly. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY'RE KIDDING? YO JOE? THEY CAN SHOVE THEIR YO JOE'S UP THEIR FUCKING CANCER-SHITTING ASSES!!!!!!
MARVEL
AVENGERS #67 $2.25
BEST OF SPIDER-MAN VOL 2 HC $29.99
If it’s VOLUME 2, then it’s not the BEST of Spiderman. It’s the SECOND BEST. And why would you spend $30 on the second best of anything? If you want to read an action comic, go buy the AKIRA trades -- Volume 4 is the best action comic ever made.
CAPTAIN MARVEL #10 $2.99
FANTASTIC FOUR #69 $2.25
Hahahaha... See, Marvel -- this is why the Christians hate you. They're wise to our code!!!
HULK THE MOVIE TP $12.99
I just had that word stuck in my head... A comic book adaptation of a movie that is an adaptation of a comic book. Jesus, Marvel, if I wanted to suck my own dick, I'd learn yoga. Am I Sting? I am not Sting.
INHUMANS #1 $2.50
MARVEL ENCYCLOPEDIA VOL 3 HULK HC $19.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 2ND ED HC $49.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 HC VAR DUST JACKET $54.99
MYSTIQUE #2 $2.99
NAMOR #2 $2.25
I know everyone in comics loves nostalgia, but who was nostalgic for that last time Marvel flooded comic shops with shitty comics no one wanted? 1990-1997, I think it was. Do you think Marvel will try to bring back heroin, because I'm pretty sure heroin was really big around 1993 or 1994, too. 90s nostalgia's going to SUCK, isn't it? "Man, I miss back in the 90's how we all missed stuff from the 70's." Uhhhhhh...
PETER PARKER SPIDER-MAN #56 $2.25
PUNISHER #27 $2.99
SHANG CHI MASTER OF KUNG FU VOL 1 THE HELLFIRE APOCALYPSE TP $14.99
THOR #64 $2.99
ULTIMATES #10 $2.25
Oh, is it that time of the year again? I feel a LITTLE bad for that whole Bryan Hitch is slow thing I did a few weeks back -- this book is sort of based on Hitch going slow, I guess. It really depends on how pretty Hitch gets it as a result. And yeah, it’s a pretty enough comic, I guess. On the other hand... why would you want to draw slowly? Fewer books for the fans, fewer books for retailers, your creative life and creative output is that much less, Hitch is going to end up spending years on the ULTIMATES -- the book is prettier, but why are ongoing comics supposed to be that pretty? I mean, on some basic level, I just really don't understand it. But it’s cute, I guess. It’s a cute book. That's another funny thing -- you think it'd be some deep or worthwhile book that'd inspire such a slow, carefully executed comic. Nah -- its just some pretty well-done AVENGERS knock-off. I'd never call it anything besides cute, at best. But eh... I do pick it up now and then -- skipped a few issues, too, so they're getting my money -- not sure what I'm complaining about...
UNCANNY X-MEN #424 $2.25
WEAPON X #9 $2.99
X-MEN PHOENIX #1 (Of 3) $2.99
God, another goddamn X-book. What one is this now? There's nothing about it on Marvel's website -- that's a stirring endorsement. And GOOGLE turns up too much. Wait, according to Google, there was a three-issue miniseries from about two years ago with this name by John Francis Moore- this can't be THAT, can it? Moore doesn't even work for Marvel anymore, does he? What is this???
So, are the good times at Marvel done? Seems like they used to have ideas how to reinvigorate the company, but what, were all the ideas just shitty? That's the cycle, isn't it? Get the job, try to do something cool, fail, say "fuck it- let's put out some X-comics no one understands so that we can make some cash." Man, I hope that EPIC thing works out -- otherwise, this list is going to be wall to wall X-comics.
Okay, I found it -- it’s a comic shipping a week late called X-MEN PHOENIX LEGACY OF FIRE. And the cover is grotesque. Phoenix? Apparently she shaves the hoo-nanny. That's good to know. Apparently, its a MANGAVERSE title -- the Mangaverse, you'll recall, is a line of books that Marvel puts out to confuse the shit out of non-geeks. Seriously: how is anyone even remotely normal supposed to understand that this isn't like the X-MEN from the movie???
Oh god, MTV has a documentary about girls going to fat camp. Why would they do that to those poor girls? Oh god, this is a tragedy... I can't watch this. It’s literally some fat girl shoveling cookie dough into her mouth. MTV has no shame.
X-TREME X-MEN #26 $2.99
X-TREME X-MEN VOL 3 SCHISM TP $16.99
WIZARD
MATRIX TRINITY TOYFARE EXCLUSIVE ACTION FIGURE PI
WIZARD BIG CVRS VOL 1 HC $24.99
WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE RAMOS SPIDER-MAN CVR #142 $4.99
WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE ULTIMATE WOLVERINE CVR #142 $4.99
COMICS
3 LITTLE KITTENS SGN #3 (Of 3) $10.00
ADVENTURE KID BOOK 2 HARD DRIVE GN (A) $16.95
ALAN MOORE PORTRAIT OF AN EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN TP $14.95
This is the first of what appears to be hundreds of Alan Moore "tribute books." Moore is the best writer in comics. I feel comfortable saying that even though I'm not really the biggest Alan Moore fan out there -- not that I have any problems with his works, just that many of them don't really speak to me the way other people do. But he's retiring this year, so the tributes are coming out.
Oh no, Ben's spent eight summers at fat camp and he's still huge... Oh, Ben... The camp is called Camp Shame. OH NO, CAMP SHAME HAS BUNK BEDS. WHY WOULD YOU PUT BUNK BEDS AT FAT CAMP???
ALICES ADVENTURES UNDER GROUND TP (O/A) PI
This is a comic about Alice from ALICE IN WONDERLAND dying and then being buried underground, where worms devour her carcass. Dental trauma ensues.
AP HOW TO DRAW MANGA #24 $4.95
ARCHIE AND FRIENDS #71 $2.19
ARCHIE DOUBLE DIGEST #143 $3.59
BERLIN #10 (MR) $3.50
New issue of Berlin.
You know, its weird how on a completely fucking SHITTY week -- nothing's coming out this week- that a new issue of something genuinely masterful-ish (?) like BERLIN can come out. Just weird...
Masterful-ish? Oh man, I'm sick of even trying on the good reviews. I just can't do 'em. Masterful-ish. "Man, this ham sandwich was masterful-ish." Usually if a comic is really good, I just grunt, is the thing. And then I hit it with the giant mastadon bone I have lying in my apartment until it lights on fire, by which I warm myself. DAMN YOUSE, MONOLITH, FOR NOT TEACHING ME HOW TO REVIEW COMIC BOOKS WELL!!!
Ben's going to die. Ben's wheezing. Oh, poor Ben -- poor Ben will always be fat. All the fat camp in the world isn't going to thin this guy out. I mean -- I'd hate to be this kid's cardiologist. For starters? Don't know shit about the heart. So he'd be asking me questions, and I'd be, all, "How am I supposed to know" and he'd be yelling "I thought <wheez> you were a <wheez> cardiologist." It'd be very hairy...
OH NO: Ben's dancing with the fat camp girls at the fat camp rave! NO! NOOOOOO! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! Why, MTV? Why is MTV so masterful-ish at degrading these poor kids! YOU ARE TOO MASTERFUL-ISH, MTV.
BETTY #126 $2.19
BRATH #4 $2.95
CASA HOWHARD VOL 1 SC (O/A) (A) $10.95
CASA HOWHARD VOL 2 SC (O/A) (A) $10.95
CAVEWOMAN PANGAEAN SEA SP ED CVR #6 PI
COMPLETE GEISHA TP $15.95
Excellent: I have everything but the right leg in my cellar. This is an early Andi Watson book from Oni before Andi Watson got good. For me, anyway. I don’t know -- its some robot artist sensitive girl comic. I like Watson for his romance-dramas, moreso than this -- not a robot artist sensitive girl comic guy. But other folks liked it a lot- and artwise, I remember Watson really got good with this series -- his art here is why I was excited to pick up BREAKFAST AFTER NOON to begin with.
CRUMB COMICS VOL 1 EARLY YEARS SC (STAR02357) (MR) $19.95
CSI CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION #5 (Of 5) (MR) $3.99
DANGEROUS #1 (A) $3.50
DF TRANSFORMERS #1 TSQUARED SET $10.00
EDEN VOL 1 #6 (A) $2.95
EROS GN 23 CITY OF DREAMS (STAR04690) (A) $14.95
EVENFALL #2 (MR) $2.95
FIST OF NORTH STAR MASTER ED VOL 4 GN (MR) $17.95
FURRLOUGH #124 $2.99
FURRLOUGH FINEST VOL 1 $5.99
FUTURAMA COMICS #13 $2.50
GIRL RULE OF DARKNESS GN (STAR12989) (A) $9.95
HEARTCORE #3 (A) $2.95
HEARTCORE #4 (A) $2.95
HELLINA WICKED WAYS BOX SET (MR) $49.95
JOHN CARPENTERS SNAKE PLISSKEN #1 RODRIGUEZ CVR ED $2.99
JOHN CARPENTERS SNAKE PLISSKEN #1 SMITH CVR ED $2.99
JOHN CARPENTERS SNAKE PLISSKEN #1 VAN FLEET CVR ED $2.99
Oh, I forgot they were doing this. It's a comic book based on ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. That was a good movie. Man, I gotta rent that movie again sometime. That's all the comic makes me want to do -- go rent the movie sometime. You know what that'd be a good double-feature with? ROBOCOP. I've been wanting to go and see ROBOCOP again for a while -- I haven't seen that shit in, like, eight or nine years. I wonder how that movie holds up. Or better, the WARRIORS. That'd be the better double-feature...
LOLITA VOL 3 (STAR06115) (A) $9.95
LUFTWAFFE 1946 #9 $5.95
MANARAS KAMA SUTRA (STAR08023) (A) $12.95
MARK OF CHARON #3 (Of 5) $2.95
MERIDIAN #36 $2.95
MICHAEL TURNER PRESENTS ASPEN #1 (Of 3) $2.99
OH MY #1 (A) $2.95
OH MY #2 (A) $2.95
PATH #15 $2.95
RAIJIN COMICS #24 (MR) $4.95
RED STAR ANNUAL FOIL CVR SGN $10.00
Oh, RED STAR... foil covers? Really? That's sad they're doing the gimmick thing. They seemed smarter than that. I'm just disappointed in everyone this week, aren't I? I'm a downer this week, man...
RPG BLUES VOL 1 $9.95
RUNOFF #5 $2.00
RUSE #20 $2.95
SONGS FOR THE NEW AMERICAN DEPRESSION VOL 3 $11.95
SPIRAL CAGE TP $12.95
STRANGEHAVEN #15 (MR) $2.95
I read a couple of these once. They were good. This is one of those series that makes me wish it wasn't a series, that the creator had just done one good book and then moved on. Because I'm not going to read what he does until it's done. And this series comes out slow, so what that means is I don't get to ever read the guy's work.
There are two trades of this series already, but say they're really good like i hear they are. They're really good, but then ... I have to wait 10 years for the finale or to get to the ending? Why would I want to do that to myself? Why would I volunteer for a wait? That's not the smart move -- the smart move is waiting until it's done to read it. But that's 10 years from now EITHER WAY. And the fewer of me reading the book, the longer it takes because the book doesn't have as many fans as I'm SURE it should have (it’s a pretty book- i remember thinking it was good), so the guy doesn't have the finances, so the work comes out more slowly, right?
(And I'm not talking about Original Graphic Novels which are something else entirely and have their own high potentiality of being retarded to talk about).
So that's why I wish creators, promising young creators, they could just do focused stories. The "it never ends" thing -- if I wanted that, I'd read SPIDER-MAN.
Aww, dude, I feel all mean now. Look -- it's good. It's a good comic. That's the part that ... it's hard to even talk about these things, you know? Because it is a good comic.
OH MY GOD, BEN'S SUCKING HIS GIRLFRIEND'S FACE OFF!!! GO BEN! Man, Ben's really turned things around. Good for Ben. Oh, at first this was depressing, but now it's uplifting... Oh-oh -- it seems as if all is not rosy in Ben's future. This is suspenseful now. Fat camp's got me riveted... You should've seen me last week with the MTV documentary on gay crusies. Couldn't pry me off the couch. The trick is: the MTV documentaries are shameless. That's the Thousand Islands Dressing that makes MTV documentaries so good...
T OTTS TALES OF ERROR HC $13.95
TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE #20 (MR) $2.95
TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE SGN #16 $10.00
TRANSFORMERS MORE THAN MEETS EYE OFFICIAL GUIDE #2 (Of 8) $5.25
TWILIGHT X STORM #3 $3.50
VAMPIRE YUI VOL 5 #4 $2.95
VAMPIRE YUI VOL 5 #5 $2.95
VAMPIRELLA #20 LTD CVR ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #20 LTD MODEL PHOTO ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #20 REG ED $2.99
VAMPIRELLA CLASSICS #1-5 SET $19.95
WARHAMMER MONTHLY #68 $3.50
WASTE LA 5 COMIC SET $14.95
WILL EISNERS SUNDIATA SC $7.95
WINNIE THE WAC COLLECTION $12.95
It's a comic about Winnie Cooper? Hot.
YOU AND ME VOL 1 #6 $2.95
YOU AND ME VOL 1 #7 (PU#564) $2.95
CONCLUSION
We sort of petered-out there at the end because of the fat camp thing, huh? Aaah, I got tired, man.
Yeah, GROUCHY this week. What's that about? It’s those Family people. Man, those assholes get under my skin. And you know, I'm sure if you flipped it around and it was charities refusing oil money because of something they read in the Guardian, I'd be happy. I'm sure I'm a hypocrite about it (though I'd argue about it). Regardless... I'm not claiming to be entirely rational about it, I guess.
I need to watch my Hardees commercial a few times and chill out. Hardees commercial will solve all my ills.
Though, man, fuck going to the store this week. There's stuff coming out worth the drive. Holiday week, I guess -- June's around the corner though. June should be good...
Oh, no -- they're doing BEFORE and AFTER pictures at the fat camp... no no no no no no no no no no no no.... now fat camp is over and they're showing one of the girls making a pie.... no no no no no no! STAY AWAY FROM THE PECAN PIE!!!
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