Christ, that's a depressing title. Remember when the future sounded FUTURISTIC? Even in 1995, I remember thinking the year 2000 sounded like the fucking FUTURE. 2100? Big deal -- that's only 97 years from now. Given advances in biotechnology, the lengthening of the average human lifespan, we could all live that long.

This is what Dark Horse thinks we have to look forward to in our old age? I say, pray for a car crash.

MASAMUNE SHIROW 2003 CALENDAR DARK HORSE ED $19.99

RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT HUMAN WONDERS #3 (Of 4) $2.99

Speaking of unbelievable, did you see that pity party Joe Casey threw himself at the end of that REVEAL anthology? What the hell was that about?

I didn’t buy the REVEAL book so I don’t have the story handy -- REVEAL seemed like it was just thrown together totally at random. I couldn’t really grasp what the editorial vision was supposed to be.

But from what I remember -- I think someone might have a gun to Joe Casey’s head and is forcing him to write ass. Who? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mystery, like PUSH NEVADA-style. Maybe if we can figure out Who is Forcing Joe Casey to Write Ass, then Affleck will get us one of those pink diamond rings. It’s like Agatha Christie, only with shitty comics.

Lot of the “hep” comic creators -- not happy guys. Bad guidance counselors in high school, I guess.

DC COMICS

Yay, only FIVE YEARS MORE to go. If this series is going to go 100 issues, that's five years…late 2007, and this story will be done. That's wild to think about. Granted, if there's another five years of Azzarello-Risso comic books on the shelf every month, I'm not complaining.

I just can't imagine spending five years on anything. College only lasts four years. Hell, medical school only lasts four years. If you were to go to medical school right this second, you would be an M.D. before this comic ended. And to celebrate the comic's finale, you could prescribe us drugs. Sweet, sweet legal drugs. Man, 2007's going to rock, bitch...

I loved that last issue of this, incidentally. I totally take this comic for granted, so every once in a while, they'll put something together and WHAP -- I just get reminded.

21 DOWN #4 $2.95

BATMAN FAMILY #6 THE TECHNICIAN (Of 8) $2.25

Is the TECHNICIAN the gay uncle? Every family's got the gay uncle in there somewhere. I hope the TECHNICIAN is the gay uncle of the Batman Family since, given all the prejudice he must face, I think it'd be helpful if the gay Bat-uncle had all those technical skills to fall back on.

Take a quick look at the solicitation for what this issue is about:

"The Technician creates weapons for Athena's super-villain group, and he's also inserted himself into Gotham's underground, unleashing a panoply of new weaponry to the crime families that tear the city apart."

Yeah, there's nothing kids love more than PANOPLIES. Ooooh, somebody went to GRAD school.

BIG DADDY DANGER #5 (Of 9) $2.95

CLASSIC AQUAMAN STATUE $195.00

You know what the problem with these statues are? Aquaman’s clothed. No, wait, wait, think about it for a second -- Michaelangelo’s David -- butt-nekkid. The Discus Thrower -- bare-ass hangin’ out. Venus De Milo -- tits galore. Rodan’s The Thinker? He’s just thinking about how freeing it is to be loose in the wind, that’s all. Statue of Liberty? Remember before Rudy Giuliani took over and you could take the elevator to her clitoris? Damnit, Rudy, we all love you, but the huddled masses are yearning to get up in hizzy, damn (I have no idea what hizzy means)…

The Aquaman statute just can’t be classic unless you see Aquaman’s wang. And by wang, I mean scaly, water-soaked penis -- gills and all. We all know why DC hates fine art in this case, though, don’t we? Aquaman swims around in cold water -- he may be Aquaman but his dick is basically Turtleman. Shrinkage-mania. So, you see, once again, that’s just the male ego fuckin’ with the arts.

If I were Aquaman, I’d totally call my wang (and by wang, I mean hideous, malformed penis) … I’d totally call it my “BLOWHOLE.” If I were hitting on whale-girls or whatever. I’d like that – blowhole. But alas… not Aquaman.

Maybe Aquaman’s forcing Joe Casey to write ass, out of misplaced rage at his shrunken wang (and by wang, I mean penis)? Hmmm, no, Aquaman’s not real. It has to be someone real.

CODENAME KNOCKOUT #19 (MR) $2.75

DETECTIVE COMICS #777 $2.75

Michael Gagne's doing the backup feature in this comic. Gagne's interesting. He most recently did a well-received indie comic named ZED, but he’s also done children's books, picture books, that sort of thing. He was the animation supervisor on that movie OSMOSIS JONES. He has a short film on the Internet -- this small cartoon he did himself on his computer called PRELUDE TO EDEN. Might be something folks might enjoy...

DOOM PATROL #15 $2.50

GOTHAM CENTRAL #1 $2.50

This might be a comic book. It’s written by Greg Rucka and Ed Brubaker. Usually, I don't follow either's mainstream work -- I prefer both’s indie stuff. But they may bring something more than usual here because they're working with Michael Lark, who's a terrific artist. Both writers have done notable crime fiction (Brubaker’s SCENE OF THE CRIME and THE FALL; Rucka’s WHITEOUT comics and his novels), so they’re on better footing here than usual -- I think this is a book about cops moreso than Batman or whatever, and by wang, I mean penis. I'm not sure, but worth a look, I think.

GREEN ARROW #19 $2.50
JLA JSA VIRTUE & VICE HC $24.95
JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #14 $2.25
LEGION #14 $2.50
LOONEY TUNES #97 $2.25
MAD MAGAZINE #425 $3.50
MAD XL #19 $4.99

MR FREEZE SNOWGLOBE $79.95

… it’s water and plastic. 80 damn dollars? I mean, wouldn’t you just feel disrespected if you paid that much for a snowglobe? If you’re into that sort of action, for $80, couldn’t you have Jerry Robinson come over to your house and kick you in the taint? That’s what I’d do.

PSH SERIES I COSMIC BOY AND SATURN GIRL $9.95
PSH SERIES I GA GL ALAN SCOTT & SOLOMON GRUNDY $9.95
PSH SERIES I GOLDEN AGE DR FATE & THE SPECTRE $9.95
PSH SERIES I MON EL & LIGHTNING LAD $9.95

PSH Series? It sounds like these are little dioramas of superheroes urinating on one another. PSHHHHHHH… that’s a urine sound to my ears.

If I had to get a diorama of superheroes in a golden shower scenario, I’d obviously pick COSMIC BOY AND SATURN GIRL since I’m straight, but then the question becomes … who would I want urinating on whom? I’m not really into the whole golden shower scene -- how does that get decided? Is there a coin toss? What if mid-way through getting peed on, the sound makes the pee-ee want to piss? What happens to the coin? EEEW, next time I’m licking quarters, it’s not going to be half as much fun, is it?

Wait, wait, I’m not sure anymore if I’d want COSMIC BOY AND SATURN GIRL because Saturn Girl’s telepathic, a mind-reader, and that’s creepy to think she’d be mind-reading whoever she was urinating on/being urinated on by. She’d be experiencing it from both ends. Christ, Saturn Girl’s a fucking freak.

Well, I guess I’d have to go with ALAN SCOTT & SOLOMON GRUNDY since SOLOMON GRUNDY is a monster so it’s the closest to hetero you’d get with these four choices. Many of you would think that since Green Lanterns have a weakness to the color yellow, that there’d be implications to Solomon Grundy’s yellow urine splashing onto Alan Scott’s coke-glazed face -- it’d violate continuity, or whatever. You’d be mistaken -- Alan Scott wasn’t allergic to yellow like other Green Lanterns so much as wood, I think. If I remember right. Then again, maybe Solomon Grundy ejaculates bark. He’s a fucking supervillain -- how the fuck should I know? Solomon Grundy -- born on a Monday, christened on a Tuesday, cums mahogany on a Wednesday? Fucking scary shit, man…

Obviously, if you get MON EL and LIGHTENING LAD urinating on each other, you’re just a sick motherfucker. I mean, Jesus, his name is LIGHTNING LAD. That’s got to be against the law. Though that’d be an interesting character if he could only generate superhero lightening THROUGH urinating? He’d have to drink lots of water, and his weakness would be dehydrating or another guy staring at him or George Michael or something. I don’t think comics is ready yet, but bodily-function based superpowers … I’m calling it right here: wave of the future. Mark my words.

Speaking of licking quarters, man, I remember when I was a little kid, I met this guy with two belly-buttons. He’d swallowed a nickel, and the only way to get it out was THROUGH THE STOMACH. That was fucking gross. I don’t think one was an outie and one was an innie, but that’d have been extra-cool. If you had to have two belly-buttons, I think you’d rather have that than a matching set…

Man, Saturn Girl’s a sick twist.

RESIDENT EVIL CODE VERONICA BOOK FOUR TP (MR) $14.95
ROBOTECH #0 $2.50
SPECTRE #24 $2.75

SUPERMAN #189 $2.25

Take a look at the solicitation copy for this issue: "Lana Lang answers a call for help from the slums of Washington D.C. and mysteriously disappears!"

Mysteriously? That's no mystery -- Marion Barry sold her for crack money. Farmgirl's just wandering around the slums of WASHINGTON D.C., what did Superman think would happen? The mysteriously would be if Marion Barry didn't sell her for crack money. That'd be more of a plot twist.

Maybe Marion Barry’s the one forcing Joe Casey to write ass? No, Barry’s too much the buffoon. That and what’s his motivation? Hmmm…this is harder than CLUE any day. Maybe communists are making Joe Casey -- no, no, communism is nothing more than a red herring.

VERTIGO POP LONDON #2 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95

BUYING THIS. Peter Milligan and Phillip Bond’s first issue of this was really great work, I thought- clever, human, relaxed, fun. Just a book that’s seems so confidant in itself. If they can keep up the level of quality that they hit on that first issue, this is definitely a keeper. For those curious, this is about a rock star from the 1960s in London who’s having a hard time growing old, and tries to recapture his youth in an unusual way. Very, very happy with this.

YOUNG JUSTICE #52 $2.75
ZERO GIRL FULL CIRCLE #2 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95

IMAGE

GI JOE FRONTLINE #2 $2.95

My favorite part of the first issue was when Wild Bill had his legs blown off by a mortar shell, and was lying in a trench, little stubs waving around, snot running all down his nose, screaming for momma. Then when all the other Joes threw his body on top of a grenade even though he begged them not to? Aah, nothing like a FRONTLINE for a smile…

NOBLE CAUSES FAMILY SECRETS OEMING CVR #3 $2.95
NOBLE CAUSES FAMILY SECRETS VALENTINO CVR #3 $2.95
SAVAGE DRAGON #102 $2.95
TOMB RAIDER WITCHBLADE TP TROUBLE SEEKERS $7.95

MARVEL

So, the latest big rumor in comics right now is Marvel possibly getting bought by Sony.

I kind of like the irony of Captain America -- a World War Two icon -- being owned by the Japanese, who, you know, were sort of on the losing side of that one. I mean, granted, since then they’ve chilled out -- they’re not into world domination now so much as building incredibly annoying robot dogs or whatever.

Even still, I hope instead of “Stan Lee Presents,” it’ll say something like “From the people who brought you Pearl Harbor.” Captain America being some Japanese comfort-bride -- that’d be great. I’d love it if some pissed off veteran kamikaze type guy were to take over Captain America, and just unilaterally decide, “This issue, Captain America calls American workers fat and lazy. Arigato!”

ALIAS #17 (MR) $2.99

Just something tiny that vaguely amuses me: Are you reading DAREDEVIL? DAREDEVIL is written by the same author as this, Brian Michael Bendis, and in the latest arc, there’s a big criminal trial going on for a superhero. And Daredevil’s calling in all these “expert witnesses.” And there’s Mr. Fantastic from the FANTASTIC FOUR testifying, Power Man, Iron Fist, Doctor Strange, and then… the chick from ALIAS who is just this private detective girl.

I just find it vaguely amusing: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m Mister Fantastic -- I can stretch my body in fantastic ways.” “Hi, I’m Doctor Strange, and I am the Supreme Poo-bah of the Mystical Arts.” “Hi, I’m ALIAS, and I’m a GIRL!” Oooooooh…. girl….

Not funny ha-ha. Just vaguely amusing to me. It reminds me of this Mr. Show sketch. I don’t know why I wasted that much space on “huh -- vaguely amusing,” but…

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN VOL 3 TP $12.99

CAGE HC $19.99

Luke Cage -- for the above thing about Alias, I was trying to think what his power was. Because Luke Cage’s superhero name used to be POWER MAN. Now he’s just Luke Cage. Does he have superpowers? I think he’s just black. I don’t think he even has superpowers anymore -- I never hear about them. He’s just bad-ass, apparently. How is “bad-ass” a superpower?

This CAGE book -- I was hoping for more from this. I only read the first issue. Azzarello, Richard Corben -- great team, but it just felt very slight to me. I have no idea, though--I didn’t read the rest of it. And of course, above I was blathering about how there’ll be another five years of Azz’s 100 BULLETS, so my criticism of another one of his work’s being “slight” (and I have no idea what I mean by that word) immediately thereafter is just completely incoherent. Just completely incoherent. But in my defense, can I just say: fuck you. Who the fuck are you to judge me? What are you, Brian Azzarello’s mom?

I don’t know. I like a lot of Azz. I like Corben. This just didn’t grab me.

CALL OF DUTY THE BROTHERHOOD #6 (Of 6) $2.25
CAPTAIN MARVEL #3 $2.25
DAREDEVIL VOL 2 HC $29.99
EDENS TRAIL #2 (Of 6) $2.99
ELEKTRA #17 $2.99

EXILES #20 $2.25

More than anything, I really hope Sony buying Marvel is like that movie GUNG HO -- Michael Keaton, Norm, the brilliant and misunderstood Gedde Watanabe, miscellaneous evil Japanese people. Fuck, I loved that movie. Wouldn’t you love to see a story in Newsarama about how Joe Quesada was too aggressive sliding into a home plate, and got demoted to sweeping the floor? “In Japan, comic books have ZERO defects.” Fuck, GUNG HO was a good movie.

On the other hand, it could be like that movie RISING SUN, which Michael Crichton did. You may know Michael Crichton from JURASSIC PARK. RISING SUN was essentially the same movie as JURASSIC PARK only instead of being a fun family movie about those evil dinosaurs doing gruesome evil shit, RISING SUN, or, as it was originally titled, “MICHAEL CRICHTON FUCKING HATES JAPANESE PEOPLE APPARENTLY,” was about those evil Japanese people doing gruesome evil shit. Dinosaurs, Japanese people -- basically the same thing to Crichton. My favorite part of RISING SUN was when the Japanese people spit venom into Newman’s eyes, or maybe the part where the Japanese people ate Sam Jackson. Tough call, tough call.

Wait… WAIT… Maybe Japanese people are forcing Joe Casey to write ass. Japanese people -- their manga are taking over our comic shelves. Maybe the Yakuza’s stopping Casey from writing anything even remotely good which might compete with their manga! Holy shit, Michael Crichton was right! Wait…no, if Joe Casey were being threatened by the Japanese, he could get out of it easily. Everyone knows that if you’re being threatened by evil Japanese people, you can escape certain doom by bribing the Yakuza with the panties of underage girls. Japanese are helpless to the lure of precious, precious underage panties. It’s Japanese Kryptonite. No, the idea has its appeal, but… I’m going to bet on Casey in a Battle of the Panty with the Japanese. I’m going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

MARVEL DOUBLE SHOT #2 (Of 4) $2.99
SPIDER-GIRL #54 $2.25
THOR #57 $2.25

ULTIMATE DAREDEVIL & ELEKTRA #2 (Of 4) $2.25

Elektra… you know, what I’ve come to realize is, I just don’t like that character at all. Granted, the Frank Miller years, back when he gave a damn? He did good with that character. But when I think about it, I’ve come to realize something, which I think needs a sort dramatic re-enactment of what I think the problem is:

“Spider-Man can crawl on walls and has super-senses. The Thing -- he’s a monster made of solid rock. Hulk can smash anything. Night Thrasher -- why, he’s a black guy on a skateboard -- kudos, House of Ideas! Dreaded Galactus -- he eats fucking planets! Entire fucking planets, just gobbles them down. The Silver Surfer will save the day -- he possesses the Power Cosmic! Here’s Elektra -- she’s a quiet girl. Imagine it -- a girl who doesn’t talk much. Who isn’t just incessantly talking and talking and talking about her feelings and your feelings and the feelings of random third parties, and feelings endless feelings, and she’ll just be QUIET, oh heavenly quiet oh just a moment’s peace, oh please, I beg you Satan, my soul for a mute girl.”

Yeah, Elektra’s just too a disturbing fantasy for my money. You guys and your issues with women are cute and all, but … I’m going to have to pass. Sorry, bro.

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #32 $2.25

ULTIMATE WAR #1 (Of 4) $2.25

This is it. According to Diamond Comics’s TOP 300 ORDERED COMICS, This is the #1 comic this month

There she is … your #1 comic. There she is… your ideal. The dream of a mil-lion girls,__who are more than pret-ty. May come true__in At-lan-tic Cit -- y for they may turn out to be the queen of fem-in-in-i-ty!! The Miss America song brings a tear to the eyes, doesn’t it? A big supressed-gay-longings tear.

I’m pulling for Chris Bachalo to do good here. I used to LOVE Bachalo, but he just fell off for me around STEAMPUNK, that comic he did with Joe Kelly… hmm… Joe Kelly... Joe Kelly is a member of the writer collective MAN OF ACTION, along with a Mister -- that’s right -- a Mister Joe Casey. Oh, wait a second -- wait just a cotton-pickin’ second… maybe Joe Kelly wants to end the career of any rival Joes? Maybe Joe Kelly, as I “speak,” is planning his revenge on G.I. Joe. Kelly could be like the Black Widow of comics. Wait, no, Black Widow from the Marvel Comics is the Black Widow of comics -- that’s already taken. So much for that theory…

UNCANNY X-MEN #416 $2.25
UNCANNY X-MEN KIA ASAMIYA POSTER $5.95

Speaking of the Japanese taking over, this is Kia Asamiya’s first issue of UNCANNY X-MEN. Which I don’t read, but what makes Asamiya interesting -- besides the fact he’s a reasonably well regarded manga artist -- is he’s decided what the X-MEN have been missing is crazy-huge noses. I can’t really describe the noses in this comic -- they’re very idiosyncratic noses. Very unique noses. In the world of noses, these would be the iconoclast noses. The other noses would consider these noses “on the fringe” of the nasal scene.

Anyone who’s seen the preview pages -- it seems like everyone’s main comment has been, “What’s the story with the noses?” It’s a shame the noses are distracting people -- I’m certain he’s a fine artist besides. But… yeah, crazy noses.

But think about it this way: when Sony takes over, all the Avengers will be given a third-ear for no reason. So, don’t you feel silly complaining about a weird nose?

WOLVERINE NETSUKE #4 (Of 4) $3.99

When Sony takes over, Netsuke will win? I got nothing. Oh man, I got nothing. When did this column turn into the George Takei Celebrity Roast? I have no idea. It’s all Yellow Peril jokes this week. What am I -- sucking up to Michael Crichton?

X-FORCE VOL 2 TP $19.99
X-MEN UNLIMITED #39 $3.50

WIZARD

If you take out the word FOUR, this would sound like the teen slang from some 1970s Bob Haney comic book -- Fantastic! Wizard! Ace! Yeah, that’d be pretty groovy, man… My favorite teen slang from a 1970s Bob Haney comic was “Tops!” Could you imagine saying “Tops!” to one of your friends, as a kid, and not getting punched in the taint? Shit, I wouldn’t say “Tops!” now on a dare.

INQUEST GAMER LORD OF THE RINGS CVR #93 $4.99
WIZARD POSTERMANIA 2003 $4.99

COMICS

So like many Americans, I was at an airport this weekend on account of the holiday, and something that’s always bothered me about the airport: why do they sell so many porno magazines at airports?

I’ve had some long layovers in my day. I’ve spent my share of time in airports. It’s a great time to read a book or a magazine. You have a lot of time on your hands. But … I’ve never been in an airport thinking, “Wow, finally, time to catch up with what’s going on in the world of Hot Asian Sluts! I am completely behind on the whole Hot Asian Slut scene. Are Koreans in? Are Koreans in Chinese girls? Who’s hot? Who’s not? Does anyone who’s hot or not happen to be a Hot Asian Slut? What’s the latest gossip in the exciting and lucrative field of Hot Asian Sluts?”

I’ve never seen the porno on the AIRPLANE. But I see lots of the porno in the airport shop. Where does the porno go? Do the Hare Krishnas buy the porno? I … I don’t want to think about that.

ARCHIE #530 $2.19
ARNOLD ROTH FREELANCE (O/A) (MR) $22.95
BART SIMPSON COMICS #10 $2.50
BASTARD #12 EMPRESS (PART 2 OF 4) (MR) $3.95
BECKETTS BASKETBALL CARD PLUS #5 TP $9.99
BLACK LIBRARY 4 GN SAMPLER PI

BLOWJOB #4 (A) $3.50

And another thing about airports (oh man, would I rather be talking about airports than BLOWJOB the comic)… I was in the airport bookshop, browsing around, when I come to the Self Help section. I never look at the Self-Help section, but… That’s where they put the “erotica.” i.e. porn for girls. The collected LETTERS FROM PENTHOUSE was in self-help. Which is a very expansive definition of self-help, isn’t it? The Self-Help section at the airport in Raleigh, North Carolina was mostly about weight loss and masturbating.

I think there’s a fortune to be made if we could combine the two. And I think BLOWJOB could help us. Here’s the “hook” I have in mind, the slogan, the pitch, the ad campaign, and by wang, I mean penis: “Tired of all that extra weight? Beat off the pounds with BLOWJOB comics.”

The fatal flaw to my idea is that I really can’t imagine anyone who reads BLOWJOB is terribly concerned with self-image or weight. From what I know of comic books, the male vanity audience and the comic audience -- not a lot of crossover.

BLOWJOB… Jesus… I’ve done some research -- sort of in a research mood this evening. Here’s some interesting BLOWJOB comics facts:

Well, first off, the EROS COMICS website divides their categories in an interesting way: Mangerotica, Bondage, and SMUT! Yeah, because Mangerotica and Bondage are so vanilla, after all -- that stuff’s for, you know, kids, pre-schoolers, not fans of smut.

Here’s the interesting thing about BLOWJOB -- BLOWJOB has a tagline. You know how movies have a tagline? “SEA EVIL” was the tagline for GHOST SHIP. “THIS TIME YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL” was the tagline for FREDDY GOT FINGERED. “HARRISON FORD HAS GONE INSANE” was the tagline for K-19 THE WIDOWMAKER. “CHRIST, THIS MOVIE IS SO OVERRATED” was the tagline for INSOMNIA. “HARRISON FORD HAS GONE INSANE” was the tagline for BLUE CRUSH.

Here’s the tagline for BLOWJOB comics -- I swear to God, someone sent me the link so here it is: “If someone tells you to suck-off... give them a copy of BLOWJOB.” If someone tells you to suck-off… man, not a day passes me by where some asshole doesn’t tell me to SUCK-OFF. That’s all I ever heard from my professors at Law School -- “Suck-off, you!” I read once that in the deepest jungles of Wherever-they-have-jungles, where civilization has only barely penetrated, the villagers there know only three bits of English -- “Elvis, Jesus, and Suck-Off.”

Tagline like that? BLOWJOB Comics must sell like hotcakes. Filthy, filthy hotcakes.

Another BLOWJOB fun-fact: BLOWJOB has a sister-comic about cunnilingus called HEAD. Which… why the metaphor for cunnilingus when the male version is just called BLOWJOB? Why the non-gender specific euphemism of HEAD? Why not just EATIN’ PUSSY? Why is BLOWJOB an okay title to inflict onto this list, but EATIN’ PUSSY isn’t?

I’m telling you -- Elektra’s a fucking mute, there’s no comic called EATIN’ PUSSY, that comic PARADIGM -- who does PARADIGM think they’re fooling? The issues with women are everywhere in comics. I gotta ask: What’d the vagina ever do to you? Do you think the vagina meant you harm? What are you -- Brian Azzarello’s mom?(I have idea what this means).

Wait…WAIT… Maybe the vagina is plotting against Joe Casey. Oh my god, Dave Sim was right!

CITIES OF FANTASTIC INVISIBLE FRONTIER GN $15.95
CIVILIAN JUSTICE COLLECTORS HOLO FX ED #1 $14.95
COLLECTIBLE CLASSICS PACK #1 $24.95
DEADBEATS #56 $2.50

DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL (RES) (MR) $22.95

See, why couldn’t this comic have been called LICKIN’ CLIT? What’s wrong with you people??? You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

DR JEKYLL & MR HYDE HC GN $15.95
DRAGON ARMS #1 $4.95
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS BLACK AND WHITE #5 (Of 6) $2.99

ENIGMA OF AL CAPP (STAR14822) $6.95

Great, finally met your match there, Braniac? That’s a good mystery to spend your time unraveling. Ranks right up there with the Secret of the Rosecrucians. I guess there’s something about Al Capp I don’t know. Weird.

EX PARTE #2 (RES) $2.95

Oh, I read the first issue of this because it’s about lawyers. It’s about a lawyer who represents super-villains. Not really my book (and I forgot that I don’t really like reading about lawyers or watching lawyer shows), but harmless. Fun-fact: no one does anything on an Ex Parte basis in the comic book EX PARTE.

FAIR WEATHER HC (MR) $26.95
FIRST #26 $2.95
FIRST VOL 3 TP SINISTER MOTIVES $15.95
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #1 $9.98
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #2 $9.98
FURRLOUGH #118 $2.99
FUTURAMA COMICS #10 $2.50
GENUS #56 (A) $3.50
GOON #3 $2.95

GREEN GINGER #1 (A) $3.50

Uchhhhh, ginger… I’ll spare you my ginger rant, but yes, I actually have a ginger rant. About the food-item ginger. We’re running long this week, and some folks have heard it too many times already, so…

GREMLIN TROUBLE VOL 1 TP (STAR11536) $14.95
HEAVEN SWORD & DRAGON SABRE GN #2 $13.95
I DREAM OF JEANNIE TRICKS OR TREATS ANNUAL #1 $3.50

IRON WOK JAN GN #1 $9.95

Knowing your issues with women, I bet the DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL talks about the time she cooked GREEN GINGER in IRON WOK JAN. See, ‘cause Ginger’s also a girl’s name, and Jan’s a girl’s name, too, so… wait, this doesn’t make any sense. Nevermind…

JERRY ROBINSONS ASTRA (MR) $15.95

Yeah, I’m saying if you buy around 6 copies of JERRY ROBINSON’S ASTRA, he’ll come over to your house and kick you in the taint.

Oh, I shouldn’t joke around about Jerry Robinson. Oh, man, that’s not even cool.

Jerry Robinson is a comic book artist from the Golden Age of Comics, most famous for creating the JOKER in the Batman comics. This book is a collaboration with Japan’s Media Factory -- written by Jerry Robinson & Sidra Cohn and drawn by Ken-Ichi Osihi & Shojin Tanakawhich… Robinson recently had a small story over at COMICON PULSE about his 5 favorite Tennis Players -- #1 for Robinson was Bill Tilden. Bill Tilden. Anyway, just kidding about the kicking and the taint and the what have you…

As for what this comic is about, let’s see… “Astra is a beautiful blonde interstellar princess who has never seen a man, since her Amazonian race has evolved to a point where they only bear females. Now their supply of "seed" is running out, and Astra must find a male savior... before her sisters all die out! Can Astra find the right combination of brains and brawn to repopulate her world, or will she just have to settle... like every... other... woman?”…

Huh…

JUGHEAD #148 $2.19
JUNGLE DREAMGIRLS PACK #1 $24.95
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #17 $2.99

KRAMERS ERGOT VOL 3 TP (MR) $8.95

Michael Richards has really hit rock bottom…

LAUGH DIGEST #180 $2.39
LIBERTY MEADOWS BIG BOOK LOVE LTD HC WITH PRINT $49.95
LIL SANTA HC $14.95
MANGAZINE #38 $8.99
MARS VOL 7 GN $9.99
MEDABOTS VOL 3 TP MEDAFORCE $9.95
METABARONS ALPHA OMEGA GN $9.95
MYSTIC #31 PI
NATURES GUARD #2 (Of 3) $2.50

NINJA HIGH SCHOOL #101 $3.50

Jason Alexander has really hit rock bottom. Jason Alexander doesn’t really have anything to do with NINJA HIGH SCHOOL -- I just felt like saying that because Jesus, it’s depressing seeing him in commercials or whatever. He’s just seems so pathetic hawking fried chicken… he used to be George Costanza on the #1 TV show in the country, one of the best sitcoms in television history, and now he sells chicken on the TV? That’s just sad, NINJA HIGH SCHOOL or no.

ONE PLUS ONE #3 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
PATTY CAKE & FRIENDS VOL 2 #7 $4.95

POP GUN WAR #5 $2.50

You know, I was thinking the other day, and I’ve been really unfair to this guy, Farel Darymple. This comic feels like it’s created very much in the moment, and I’d minded that because … so many American indie artists just don’t tell stories. There’s a lot of empty formal experimenting, or surrealism, all of which has its place, but at a time when there’s no alternative, its frustrating sometimes. And I think I’d been frustrated about other things about indie books like this…

Anyway, I was thinking about it -- I love AIRTIGHT GARAGE, Moebius’s comic which Moebius created in the moment. I rather enjoyed another comic I found recently from France, 3 by Hugues Micol -- this silent comic that reads like a bizarre MATRIX storyboard or deleted scene from Geoff Darrow’s HARD BOILED…. And I was thinking, how can I like comics created in the moment when they’re fucking French and yet reject it when it’s American? That’s ridiculous. If I heard that coming out of someone else’s mouth, about movies or whatever, the New Wave, I’d think it’s the most ridiculously snobby thing I’d ever heard.

So…For those who’ve never seen this comic, Darymple can fucking draw. I think I was wrong about this comic heretofore, so I’m going to check out this issue. I’m not sure how to describe this comic to you -- it’s about this little kid with wings, but its more about the unusual people he encounters in this sort of dark city he lives in. I -- I’m doing lousy job explaining it… Anyway: Buying this.

PSYCHO HUNTER #3 (MR) $3.95

R A SALVATORE DEMON WARS TRIAL BY FIRE #1 (Of 5) $2.95

Ha-ha -- remember way back when, when I was saying how I thought it’s great that CrossGen was expanding their line with more creator-owned or creator-friendly sublines. Well, here’s the first comic in their CODE 6 subline, and… here’s the solicitation: “centers on one of R.A. Salvatore's most popular and enigmatic characters -- the barbarian ranger Andacanavar. In Trial by Fire, we meet a young Andacanavar as he embarks on one of his earliest adventures. With his Elven-forged blade and improbable allies, the ranger fights to save a world of magic from the ravages of a DemonWar.”

Oh, Crossgen… you so crazy. Thank god there’s a way for this thing to get published. We needed another comic about ELVES and DEMONS. There weren’t enough of those. Finally! How revolutionary! How strange, how bizarre!

Andacanavar? Gesundheit. Wasn’t that the spaceship in the MATRIX? What are you, Brian Azzarello’s mom?

RAZMATAZ GN (O/A) (A) $8.95
REAL BOUT HIGH SCHOOL VOL 1 GN & DVD $29.99
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST VOL 2 SC WITHIN BUDDING GROVE $10.95
RETRIBUTORS BLOOD & GUTS #3 (MR) $2.95
RGA MAGAZINE #1 (MR) $9.90
ROBERT CRUMBS ZAP COMIX #10 (O/A) (A) $2.95
ROBERT CRUMBS ZAP COMIX #9 (O/A) (A) $2.95

SAIKO AND LAVENDER SPOOKTACULAR SPECIAL #1 $2.99

Dear comics: Halloween is in October. Give it a rest. We get it -- you like Halloween. Just give it a rest. Unless you’re a girl and/or hot. Yours truly, AK.

SILENT MOBIUS PART 11 BLOOD #5 (Of 5) $2.95
SPACE STATION 6969 (O/A) (A) $3.95
SPACEHACK #3 (Of 3) $2.99
SPECWAR #5 (MR) $3.25
STEVE DITKOS 32 PAGE PACKAGE 2ND PRTG TP $4.00
STORY OF TAO GN #1 $13.95
STRANGE CASE OF EDWARD GOREY (STAR17164) $8.95
STRANGERS IN PARADISE VOL III #54 $2.95

TEA CLUB #2 $2.99

The first rule of TEA CLUB is cut it out with that fucking joke already. We get it -- you saw FIGHT CLUB. Okay? Just cut it out with the First Rule of Blah Blah Blah jokes. Asshole. Fuck you, TEA CLUB. You heard me?

I tried to have one of those Boba drinks again today. Who can drink all those tapioca balls? The whole feeling of the tapioca balls going into my mouth -- call me homophobic, but I’m just not liking that. It’s just not a right feeling. To put it delicately: by wang, I mean penis.

TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH ADRIAN CVR #3 (Of 3) (MR) $3.50
TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH MARTIN CVR #3 (Of 3) (MR) $3.50
TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH NUDE CVR #3 (OF 3) (MR) $6.00
TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH VIGIL CVR #3 (Of 3) (MR) $3.50
TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH WALLER CVR #3 (Of 3) (MR) $3.50
TONY DIGEROLAMOS TRAVELERS #19 $2.99
TRANSFORMERS GENERATION ONE VOL 1 TP $17.95
TUESDAY #2 (Of 2) $2.95
VERONICA #134 $2.19
VOGELEIN #5 (Of 5) (MR) $3.00

WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS THE BODY ORCHARD #4 (Of 6) (MR $3.50
WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS THE BODY ORCHARD #4 WRAPAROUND $3.95

I think my “Warren Ellis Play of the Week” phase is over, for various reasons, but… did you see that thing where he was talking about DC’s EYE OF THE STORM line? He talks about how he’d be willing to do a comic for DC’s EYE OF THE STORM mature superhero line because when he does superhero comics, it’s okay, and they’re really cool and they’re actually science fiction instead and all that garbage.

And then he ends with this line: “Besides, all the other guys on Eye of the Storm are working the subgenre. And we know I don't want to do that
anyway.”

Did that last bit catch your eye? I don’t know. I honestly have no idea. Is he slamming the other EYE OF THE STORM people? I… I don’t think so, but dude, I’m not even sure. It’s just sort of … strange to me. The language of it. It’s not so much offensive, as just… I don’t even know what to make of it anymore.

It was just this big “HUH?” moment for me. And then there’s some really odd stuff about Mark Millar… He apparently writes those Bad Signal things late at night after drinking, so… I don’t know. That phase is over. Unless something’s egregious, I think this is the swan song of the Ellis talk, now that his comics are actually coming out and we can talk about those instead. I’d rather talk comics….

WARRIOR BUGS #5 $2.95
WAY OF THE RAT #8 $2.95
WEAPONS OF THE GODS GN #3 $13.95
WEEKLY JUMP 10-07-02 $4.99
WEEKLY JUMP 10-14-02 $4.99

WERESLUT #1-8 PACK (A) $27.00

Farewell, WERESLUT. Farewell… I’ll miss you most of all.

That’s right, kids -- WERESLUT has completed its run.

Will we ever see its like again?

CONCLUSION
I’m too heartbroken to continue, so until next week, keep reachin’ for those stars? Wait, no, I think I stole that from Casey Kasem.

Wait, Casey Kasem, Joe Casey… oh man, the patterns are everywhere. It’s like the universe has conspired to force Joe Casey to write ass. That poor, poor bastard.

Fly free like WERESLUT, Joe! Fly free like WERESLUT…

THE STUFF UNDERNEATH WHERE I STOPPED

WHERE HATS GO GN $8.00
WILL EISNERS SUNDIATA HC $15.95
WILL EISNERS SUNDIATA LTD S&N HC ED $50.00
WISH VOL 3 GN $9.99
XIN LEGEND OF THE MONKEY KING #2 LAU CVR $2.99
XIN LEGEND OF THE MONKEY KING #2 LTD OEMING CVR $9.95
ZENITH PROJECT OMEGA FLIP BOOK $5.00
ZOMBIE COMMANDOS FROM HELL #3 (MR) $3.50

THE TWIST ENDING
Brian Azzarello’s mom turns out to be the one who’s making Joe Casey write ass! Oh my god! Why???

THE END… ?

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