July 10, 2003
HUNGRY FOR SECONDS?
Josh Jabcuga finds himself Sick and Tired from Summer Sequel-itis
“The key to a successful franchise, according to many texts on the subject, can be expressed in one word: ‘uniformity.’ Franchises and chain stores strive to offer exactly the same product or service at numerous locations. Customers are drawn by familiar brands by an instinct to avoid the unknown.”
The above excerpt is taken from the eye-opening must-read, FOOD NATION, by Eric Schlosser. The book is an expose on fast food franchises and all of their deeply rooted evils and long-lasting consequences. The quotation can also be easily applied to the summer movie season.
For multiplexes across the nation, the summer months are typically a time when studios offer films notoriously ripe with CGI-enhanced effects and devoid of plot. It’s the “Have It Your Way” time of the year for Hollywood studio offerings, or more aptly, the “Have It Our Way.”
That’s not always a bad thing. Everything serves a purpose, even those high fat, high calorie, high sodium patties straight off an assembly line manned by some sixteen year old Tyler Durden-in-training. What kind of purpose does a Big Mac have, you ask? Well it helps to curb the rampantly increasing cow overpopulation in our country and provide that hardworking kid with beer money for the weekend, but these are just some of the many benefits.
But let’s get back to the movies. Summer blockbusters are a guilty pleasure, if not an evil necessity, too. In fact, if it wasn’t for this year’s THE HULK, Nick Nolte would probably be working at McDonald’s himself to earn his beer money. I say anything that we can do to keep Nolte off the streets and out of the dumpsters is cool with me.
All kidding aside, there’s something about the summer that makes piss-poor excuses for movies not only acceptable, but downright embraced. American audiences say, “It’s too damn hot to view a film and be expected to think. Please serve us your flimsiest plots, your half-baked scripts, your tired ideas, and your Happy Meal marketing ploys,” and Hollywood is all too happy to comply. They hand over their high grade B-movie crack, and you fork over your beer money. Surely there’s no better way to spend your summer than by killing two and a half hours indoors watching BAD BOYS 2.
So please, take a moment with me and gaze up at the backlit menu full of this summer’s cinematic super sized value meals, and maybe we can prevent ourselves from making these same mistakes next year, as Hollywood will inevitably repackage these very same movies, merely increasing the films’ titles by increments of one.
CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2: FULL THROTTLE: Isn’t this the equivalent of offering the Miller Lite Catfight Girls their own full-length feature? The only way I’d watch this flick is if I down a case of Miller prior to entering the theater.
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINE: Schwarzenegger’s career has gone the way of the Commodore 64. James Cameron decided to bail ship. His absence is markedly noticeable. Instead, we’re left with Ah-nuld’s receding hairline and some incredibly silly one-liners. “Talk to the hand”? I don’t think so.
TOMB RAIDER 2: THE CRADLE OF LIFE: Do we really need sequels of movies based on video games? I can’t wait for the video game based on the movie based on the video game.
THE MATRIX 2: RELOADED: This one should have been called THE MATRIX 2: REVENGE OF THE NERDS. The brothers Wachowski never realized that Neo’s greatest threat was not Agent Smith but film geeks who bombarded message boards with their bitter disdain
of a film bogged down by clunky dialogue (Gasp! Dialogue!) and a story that never quite got out of first gear. With all the pre-release buzz on this one, isn’t it amazing how quickly it seems to have just dropped off the face of the planet?
2 FAST 2 FURIOUS: Even without Vin Diesel, I find nothing appealing about this franchise. I’m sure all the thugs driving around my neighborhood in their mothers’ tricked-out ’89 Ford Tauruses with their purple neon license plates will get a hard-on from it, though.
X-MEN 2: A decent effort that unabashedly pimped its comic book elements for all they were worth. The only drawback in this one, though, was that you needed to be a die-hard X-Men fanactic to keep all the characters straight. I’m familiar enough with the X-Men, but I bet many casual filmgoers may have had a more than slightly difficult time keeping all their mutants in order. I always enjoyed the X-men characters more on an individual basis and less in their ensemble environment. Next time, let’s skip the team effort and give the tough-as-adamantium Hugh Jackman his own starring vehicle as Wolverine.
Like its predecessors, this year’s releases promised bigger budgets, even bigger boobs, and cars that were faster and more furious. We’re approximately midway through this year’s summer movie season, though, and I can’t help but feel more than a little letdown. Just where the hell are all these talented people in Hollywood, and why can’t they make a memorable summer movie with the number two in its title? Is it really too much to ask?
More and more, I find myself shaking my head as I’m leaving the cinema, mumbling “How did they manage to screw that one up? And why do I even bother?” Ironically that’s the same thing I ask myself as I’m leaving the McDonald’s drive-thru window and realize that they forgot my fries again.
And in those oh-so-prophetic words, “I’ll be back.”
Screeners, Press Kits, Comments, Suggestions should be sent to:
Josh Jabcuga
3910 Sharondale Drive
Hamburg, New York 14075
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