June 19, 2003
I’m Your Worst Blockbuster Video Nightmare
or
(The Bride Of) All Action Stars Go To Heaven
A few weeks ago my nephew and I were watching TV when we noticed a commercial hyping TERMINATOR 3. I was probably more excited than my nephew, who admitted to me that he hadn’t even seen T2, and only parts of the first one.
I was floored. These movies, along with the complete filmographies of Schwarzenegger and Stallone, among others, were staples of my childhood. I asked him to name some of his favorite action stars. His reponse: Vin Diesel, the Rock, and Bam Margera. Huh?
The Rookies:
Let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment.
Vin Diesel: Vin Diesel was in PITCH BLACK, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, and XXX. Knowing very little about the man, I caught a screening of PITCH BLACK when it was first released. I thought the movie was a joke. To be fair, Vin Diesel, besides having a great name, did show some promise. He made an otherwise forgettable film, well, almost memorable.
Turned on by the idea of tricked-out cars and Michele Rodriquez, I got sucked into paying seven bucks to watch THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. I haven’t stopped regretting it since. Sure, I was expecting a light popcorn movie. What I received was not even a kernel of excitement. Diesel had run dry in my book. Being one to learn from my mistakes (sometimes), I skipped xXx, and didn’t even bother with it when it was released on DVD (the ultimate slap in the face in my moviegeek world). Sure, Vin Diesel may have a huge posse and an even bigger ego, but no way was he getting any more of my time or money. (Ironically, his best performance was when he provided his voice only, as the robot in the animated classic THE IRON GIANT.) In my opinion, Diesel can’t hold a candle to any of the action stars of the `80s or early to mid-`90s.
Duane “The Rock” Johnson: First off, he needs to take Roger Ebert’s advice and steer clear of the WWE. Secondly, he can’t get carried away with doing drama, or even comedy. He needs to do action, strictly action. What’s wrong with getting paid twenty million clams to do action flics? As they say, you gotta go with what brung ya to the dance, right? I saw about an hour of THE SCORPION KING, and with the little that I did see, I noticed there was too much “tongue-in-cheek” silliness going on. Granted, this was geared more towards the Underoos crowd (do they even still make Underoos?), but Duane Johnson has not reached his potential. I don’t think we’ll see it with the upcoming HELLDORADO, but Johnson may be taking a step in the right direction with the remake of WALKING TALL. The Verdict: HELLDORADO may be more hell than heaven, and filmgeeks were initially outraged at the notion of the Rock being cast in WALKING TALL, but he’s still vastly superior to Hulk Hogan’s NO HOLDS BARRED or SUBURBAN COMMANDO.
When my nephew mentioned Bam Margera, his idol du jour, well, no disrespect to Johnny Knoxville, Weeman, Party Boy or the rest of the Jackass crew, but I knew it was time to educate the poor boy, so Nick, I hope you’re paying attention. Riding a skateboard/shopping cart/human catapult on film does not make you an action star. Although what startled me the most about my nephew’s comment was how quickly people can forget (or in his case, never know in the first place). Or maybe this was simply a case of out with the old, in with the new. (Much like Gov. Arnie being cast aside in favor of the new cyborg killer in TERMINATOR 3, Kristanna Loken. Meow, baby!)
Up to this point, Schwarzenegger, while not a rookie, not indestructible, and certainly not extinct, still has a pulse, and is still widely considered the king of the action genre. TERMINATOR 3 will certainly give him a much needed career boost, as will the rumored-to-be-in-preproduction KING CONAN. This leaves us with a few other ‘80s and ‘90s action stars still hanging on, who are in a much worse position than Ah-nuld.
The Veterans:
Steven Seagal: Well, if you’ve read my previous piece on Seagal, ALL ACTION STARS GO TO HEAVEN), you’ll know how I feel about the one-time Mason Storm. Seagal has pretty much offed his own career, thanks to some very heavy-handed allegations, and in large part, to some just plain heavy hands (and feet, and legs, and arms, and belly). Seagal continues to balloon up much like the latter day Orson Welles, and this Jenny Craig candidate usually takes second billing to rap stars on straight-to-video releases. Coming soon: CITIZEN KANE TWO: ROSEBUD’S REVENGE.
Jean Claude Van Damme: In TRUE ROMANCE, Clarence (played by Christian Slater), mentions how they’re two kinds of people: Elvis people, and Beatles people. The same can be said for most people’s preferences in martial arts action stars: usually you’re a Seagal person or a Van Damme person. I was always into Seagal because I knew he was the real deal. Van Damme’s martial arts expertise always seemed a little questionable to me. Regardless, this man’s career when straight to straight-to-video limbo even before Seagal’s. The muscles from Brussels also seemed to have let success get the better of him, as the last few years (or ten) it seemed were spent drinking it up with Dennis Rodman at some Hollywood nightclub instead of honing his martial arts skills or even making movies with plausible plots (although we won’t hold him accountable on that charge since that was never his forte).
That brings me to:
Sylvester Stallone, the Italian Stallion. Stallone is the newest addition to the straight-to-video slammer. AVENGING ANGELO and EYE SEE YOU were enough to commit him to a lifetime sentence in solitary confinement at the local Blockbuster Video. I asked my nephew, who is in the sixth grade, what he thought about Stallone.
His response: “Who?”
I’m certain that the casual filmgoer, who may even have grown up with Stallone, is mostly unaware of AVENGING ANGELO and EYE SEE YOU, so I can’t say I blame my nephew (although his Bam Margera comment is inexcusable). The man that gave us ROCKY 1-4 (let’s not include the fifth installment and say we did), the RAMBO franchise, NIGHTHAWKS, COBRA (goofy but classic), OVER THE TOP (well, this was all the rage for the ten-year-old crowd at the time), CLIFFHANGER, and TANGO & CASH, among others, is sadly, barely even a blip on the action star radar.
You may have noticed that I didn’t include COPLAND (1997). This is a fine, if flawed, piece of filmmaking. An underrated film ,even. This was supposed to be Stallone’s comeback. It got him nowhere. An otherwise great performance was overshadowed by scene stealers Harvey Keitel, a stellar Robert Patrick, Robert De Niro, and a fiery Ray Liotta. It was actually also undermined by all the publicity claiming that this would be Stallone’s comeback film. The problem was people didn’t get a typical Stallone role/performance, so they were left a little disappointed, if not somewhat confused. Unfortunately, I almost get the impression that Stallone gave up and said, “Ah, the hell with it,” after completing this film, and I can’t help but feel more than a little sorry.
Stallone had so much to offer to Hollywood, and still does. Other than COPLAND, and a few others (very few), the `90s saw some incredibly poor choices on his behalf (STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!), but Hollywood is the land of second chances (and third, forth, fifth, sixth chances). Yeah, okay, we all do the stupid “Yo! Adrian!” gimmick, but Stallone deserves so much more than that.
The other day I was reading an interview with director Cameron Crowe (Jerry McGuire, Say Anything…). He mentioned, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he’d love to see someone repackage Kevin Costner. That got me thinking. Was Stallone simply in need of a make-over? Hell, no! I think the problem was the attempted make-over. Stallone is old. Does that mean there are no good parts for aging action heroes? Apparently not, if Stallone’s slew of `90s bombs are any indication.
My advice? Stallone simply has to get back to his roots, pay homage to his past, respect the fact that he is a dinosaur, and be willing to play second fiddle to some up-and-comer. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it has to beat slumming at Blockbuster Video.
Action movie director/God Robert Rodriquez cast Stallone in the upcoming SPY KIDS 3D, proof that Hollywood’s young guns still appreciate Stallone. Now it’s simply a matter of more people following suit. Quentin Tarantino is rumored to be following up KILL BILL with an homage to THE DIRTY DOZEN. This is exactly what Stallone needs: an ensemble piece handled with the deft touch and filmgeek authority of the mighty Q.
Otherwise, it looks like we’ll be sitting through ROCKY 6: The George Foreman Story.
Hey Sly, toss in the towel on the Rocky gig. It’s beyond lame. Kids these days have a tough enough time remembering TERMINATOR 2, how do you expect them to remember ROCKY 5?
If Stallone doesn’t move on, he may be the one who K.O.s his own career for the final time, and the worst part of all is he’ll have no one to watch it.
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Josh Jabcuga
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