May 20, 2004
Oh yeah, now I remember why it’s called Squib Central:
Wherein the column celebrates its first birthday, albeit a week late. Also, fresh off being blown away by KILL BILL VOL. 2, Josh Jabcuga looks back at some of his favorite action heroes and villains and rates their toughness on an “ass-kicking-ness” scale of 1 thru 10, with cameos by STEVEN SEAGAL, PATRICK SWAYZE, GARY BUSEY, TERRY FUNK, and TEEN WOLF?!
So the other night I finally got around to seeing KILL BILL VOL. 2. Yeah, better late than never, right? Due to a general lack of time and, yes, even a lack of enthusiasm, I’d put off seeing the film. VOL.1 was a very deliberately-paced piece of genre work. I respected the effort that TARANTINO put into it, but my reaction was a little more tepid than that of damn near every critic who was downright smitten by the Bride-to-never-be. After witnessing Bill get what was comin’ to him, everything just came together for me as a viewer. And now I’m dying to see KILL BILL VOL.1 again.
What I loved most in the KILL BILL series were the characters. This wasn’t the Mighty Q simply name-dropping pop cultural references for the sake of sounding hip, (something imitators of TARANTINO and KEVIN SMITH haven’t quite figured out yet); these were deeply personal characters who believed in what they were saying, doing, and yes, characters who even had a real understanding for why they were killing. In a genre piece, your characters have to possess motivations that they genuinely believe in, and in turn, the audience will believe in the characters. That’s what makes certain films like ROLLING THUNDER and MAD MAX so mesmerizing: As a viewer, you believed and rooted for the main characters. You wanted them to have their revenge, because you believed that if you were in their shoes, you’d do the same thing (well, maybe in your mind at least).
That’s what made KILL BILL so gripping. It’s the same thing that made the deaths, the culmination of one character’s revenge on another, so powerful, and the climax of the film so rewarding. Whether it was Bill, the Bride, even Bud, the characters of KILL BILL left an indelible impression on me. By embracing genre films and pop culture so skillfully, TARANTINO can chalk up another film of his own that will forever be a part of our pop culture.
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It’s funny. A little over a year ago, when I was pitching the idea of this here column to MoviePoopShoot editor-in-chief CHRIS RYALL, one of the items I had mentioned to him in an attempt to sell him on the idea of SQUIB CENTRAL was the at-the-time impending release of KILL BILL VOLS. 1 & 2. The whole impetus of this column was to have a forum where anything relating to ass-kicking-ness would be championed: Hard rock, mixed martial arts/no-holds-barred fighting, action flicks, you name it. Ryall fell for it, er, thought it’d be a good idea. And I kept my end of the bargain, sorta. I conducted interviews with marquee names in the area of ass-kicking-ness, like Ultimate Fighting Champion OLEG TAKTAROV, heir-to-the-hellraising-HANK-throne HANK III (Yeesh! Talk about name dropping.), and covered topics/people such as CHUCK “Fight Club” PALAHNIUK, THE LEGENDARY SHACK SHAKERS, JOE BOB BRIGGS, ROBERT RODRIQUEZ, and BLACK SABBATH. Along the way I also managed to sneak in many more of my own personal interests, some of which weren’t necessarily “ass-kickers” or “ass-kicking” in the purest definition form, whatever that may be, but perhaps of the “ass-kicking” variety in essence, or spirit: PHILIP K. DICK, PEARL JAM, MST3K’s KEVIN MURPHY, even JEFF BUCKLEY.
Much of this entire year-plus-some run of SQUIB CENTRAL owes a large deal of debt to the open-minds of the powers-that-be at MoviePoopShoot. In particular, Ye Ole Editor Ryall has let me have the run of the place, and has never once questioned my tastes (or lack thereof) or the topics that I present to you on a weekly basis. If he has, well, he’s done a good job of keeping it to himself. So, hey, thanks man. And while I may not be the main attraction at the ‘Shoot (Damn you Tipton! Screw you Monkey Man!), or even a close third, or fourth, I know that the audience I do have is a loyal one (thanks Mom and Dad!).
Last year I began the run of SQUIB CENTRAL with a somewhat controversial look at the top-ten mainstream action film sequences of all time. It’s only fitting that we begin the second year with a return to our roots, bloody, roots. This week, I’ll be checking out some stars and characters of the action film genre, trying my best to evaluate their credibility and ability to kiss ass. Of course it should be judged as the gospel truth (not really, dipshit). It’s just a fun little fluff piece I put together (well, more fluffy than usual), and I strongly encourage y’all to write in with your own thoughts and tirades. Oh, and Ryall, this counts as the KILL BILL piece I promised you last year. [Finally! – Ed.]
Mason Storm, as played by STEVEN SEAGAL, in HARD TO KILL (1990):
The baddest of all SEAGAL roles, it was all downhill after this. Still, there was no denying that in his prime, SEAGAL was, indeed, hard to kill. It wasn’t the slicked back hair, it wasn’t the pony tail, it wasn’t the I’m-so-pissed-off-everything-I-say-is-a-whisper-tone of voice; it was the Aikido. Plain and simple: If your opponent knows Aikido, you’ll know pain.
I took a single Aikido class. It was because of SEAGAL. Back in the day, he was the man. You know what I’m talking about, don’t deny it. Of course, now SEAGAL, is, well, a different story entirely. It’s like young ELVIS versus fat ELVIS, and we all know what happened to fat ELVIS. (What happens to fat SEAGAL? Roles in comedies, apparently.) Anyway, as some of you may know, Aikido is based around circular movements, and redirecting your opponent’s own force toward him- or herself.
Why did I give-up after only one class? It’s a very difficult style to learn. Plus, because I had been initially studying karate-do for many years, it was very difficult for me to forget all the instincts that had become embedded in me. Oh, and maybe one other thing. I saw the instructor huddled in the corner of the dojo, cupping his open palm near his face. I asked another student, “What happened? Did he just get poked in the eye? Is he O.K.?” The student replied, “Oh, Sensei lost his eye in a fight. He’s taking out his glass eye before practice.” And you thought that kind of thing only happened in KILL BILL?
Mason Storm, degree of ass-kicking-ness, on a scale of 1-10: 9/10.
Strengths: Aikido, duh! Ability to seduce KELLY LEBROCK.
Weaknesses: Would successfully strive to become to the Buddha what MICHAEL JACKSON is to
the Elephant Man.
Motivation: They killed his wife on their anniversary, and apparently his only son. They also put Mason into a coma.
Credibility of the actor as an ass-kicker: 8/10.
Comments: The man has the goofiest known run ever captured on film.
Dalton, “cooler”/bouncer extraordinaire, as embodied by PATRICK SWAYZE in ROADHOUSE (1989):
When I saw BILL MURRAY in GHOSTBUSTERS for the first time in the summer of ’84 at a local drive-in, I wanted to beDr. Venkman. I became obsessed with one day finding myself employed as a Ghostbuster.
A year later, when I saw TEENWOLF starring Michael J. Fox, I remember trying out for my grammar school’s basketball team, hoping that one day, I too, could capture the league championship with my super-wolfman powers. (Who knew lycanthropes could take it to the hoop?) Particularly at such a young age, I wanted the ability to be able to march into a liquor store and look square into the clerk’s face with my glowing eyes, growling “Give me the beer!”
This fantasy was abandoned several summers later when I saw ROADHOUSE. It was then I had an epiphany. I was going to be a bouncer. What other job affords you the luxury of driving hot cars, riding even hotter women, and getting paid mad coin just to “take out the trash” and fight chumps like TERRY FUNK? (Besides pro wrestling, that is.) Sign me up at the local saloon, boys. Bouncin’ is the life for me.
QUENTIN TARANTINO once said that the greatest compliment you can give an action movie or its star is to want to imitate the movie or the star. After seeing a CHOW YUN FAT movie one year, TARANTINO ran out and bought a trench coat like the one CHOW YUN FAT could be seen sporting. While SWAYZE hasn’t exactly aged gracefully, a fanboy could do a lot worse than to want to imitate the character of Dalton from ROADHOUSE.
Strengths: Has a Zen-like tolerance and understanding of pain. Afterall, “Pain don’t hurt.” Dalton is very level headed. He doesn’t let emotion get the better of him. Although educated, he has an affinity for whooping ass. It’s more than a job, it’s a passion. Oh yeah, one other thing: He can call on SAM ELLIOTT for back-up. Also bagged KELLY LYNCH.
Weaknesses: Upon first glimpse of Dalton’s tiny “Dalton,” women have often remarked with “I thought you’d be bigger.”
Motivation: Trying to foil corrupt, bullying-type businessmen who are abusing power and harassing the simple townsfolk.
Credibility of the actor as an ass-kicker: 4/10.
Notes: The classic story of the boy who takes ballet lessons and learns to defend himself to save his pride and his ass from further beatings from the neighborhood meatheads. Further reference: The boy who got-sand- kicked-in-his-face.
Mr. Joshua, crazy bastard, as brought to life by GARY BUSEY, real life crazy bastard in LETHAL WEAPON (1987) See also: Cmdr. Krill in UNDER SEIGE (1992).
I don’t give a rat’s ass what the plot is. Much like CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, you cast GARY BUSEY as your baddie and I’m in. With that piercing, “the lights are on but no one’s home” look in his eyes, that crazy as a pet raccoon grin, you can’t help but be terrified by any villain BUSEY plays. (Wouldn’t he make a great vampire?)
The best thing about BUSEY’s sadistic Mr. Joshua (good name for a bad ass), and about the first LETHAL WEAPON in particular, were the fight scenes, especially the final tussle between MEL GIBSON and GARY BUSEY. It was a very realistic fight, albeit it went very long for a fight (like any action film). Why was it so realistic? Check out the film’s credits. Fight choreographer for the film was none other than RORION GRACIE, of the famed Gracie family. The final scene is chock full o’ Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and this was in 1987, years before the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu craze resulting from the UFC’s popularity and the dominance of one ROYCE GRACIE.
Strengths: Crazy bastard.
Weaknesses: BUSEY, er, Mr. Joshua, isn’t exactly the definition of physical fitness.
Motivation: World dominance?
Credibility of the actor as an ass-kicker: 3/10.
Notes: This is the same cat that played BUDDY HOLLY?
Ivan Drago, as played by DOLPH LUNDGREN in ROCKY IV (1985).
Ivan Drago was a villain created for the times, and what a great villain at that. He represented the Cold War. He represented the new school of sports pharmacology (steroids, juice, gas, etc.) versus the old school of pure guts and luck. He was a machine. And he will break you.
I believe I was in the second grade at the time of the film’s release. I remember sitting at the lunch table and one of my friends bragged that he saw ROCKY IV. “Apollo Creed gets killed!” he exclaimed. None of us could believe such a claim. In disbelief, I replied, “No, not Apollo Creed, for Christ’s sake!” The man was an institution. He was Rocky’s buddy. What kind of monster was capable of such a deed? Ivan Drago, that’s who. And much like a testosterone-fueled cartoon villain created by 1985-era VINCE MCMAHON and the WWF, Ivan Drago appealed to all of us as kids sitting around that lunch table. We didn’t know what the Cold War was, but we knew the Russians were, uh, evil.
Now, of course, the Cold War is history. DOLPH LUNDGREN could never recapture the magic that he brought to the role of Ivan Drago. He will forever be remembered, though, as the man that silenced Apollo Creed.
Strengths: State of the art training and supplements coupled with world class genetics.
Weaknesses: At best, he’s only a great boxer. In my eyes, boxers can only do so much. I’d bet on a wrestler or a martial artist over a boxer any day of the week. Hell, even MATTHEW MODINE in VISION QUEST could whoop Ivan Drago. Plus with all those steroids, it was only a matter of time before Ivan Drago ran out of gas and found himself overcome by the Italian Stallion. Steroids will do that to ya, kids.
Motivation: World dominance? Communism.
Credibility of the actor as an ass-kicker: 3/10.
Notes: If Drago represented the Cold War, what kind of villain will we be seeing in the next ROCKY?
When not wondering who would win in a fight between CHRIS TUCKER and DANNY GLOVER, Josh Jabcuga can be found writing Squib Central (now in it’s second season), published every Thursday, exclusively at www.moviepoopshoot.com.
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