Perhaps the best example of my collection is a promotional cassette from Rhino Records titled Jingle Bell Jam. Rhino’s catalog has always contained an interesting selection of Christmas music, from which 30 songs are sampled on this tape. There was something that appealed to me having songs like “Santa Came Home Drunk” by Clyde Lasley on the same tape with Elvis’ “Blue Christmas” and the Singing Dogs’ version of “Jingle Bells.”

In the years since finding that cassette, Rhino has added even more Christmas riches to their catalog. If you’re looking for the lighter side of Christmas, there are two Dr. Demento holiday CDs. On the first, you can find the infamous “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” Cheech & Chong’s “Santa Claus And His Old Lady,” as well as the Spike Jones classic “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.” The later release, Holidays In Dementia, adds some Hanukkah songs and a New Year’s tune for good measure.

If you want a bit more attitude for your holiday, may I suggest Punk Rock X-Mas, featuring The Dickies, Ramones, Sloppy Seconds, and Stiff Little Fingers. I also recommend the Christmas entry in Rhino’s Just Can’t Get Enough: New Wave Hits series, containing rarities from Wall of Voodoo, Squeeze and Los Lobos as well as the legendary pairing of David Bowie and Bing Crosby on “Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth.”

Rhino may be the champion of Christmas collections, but plenty of other labels have great discs worth checking out. Black Vinyl’s Yuletunes is a consistent treat for power pop fans. Shoes contribute the lovely “This Christmas,” Material Issue chime in with “Merry Christmas Will Do,” and Matthew Sweet sings an ethereal ode to “Baby Jesus.”

Collectors of lo-fi 45s or garage rock should hunt down Sympathy For The Record Industry’s Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. The label’s two holiday collections, originally issued on 10-inch vinyl, are collected along with extra material on one two-CD set. The tracks range from sublime pop (International Language’s “Christmas Will Be Magic Again”) to downright bizarre (Go Nuts’ “Snackin’ Santa”) but there’s lots of interesting buzz and strum in between from The Muffs, Rocket From The Crypt, Supersuckers and Man Or Astroman? among other, more obscure names.

Radio stations will occasionally get into the game and release holiday compilations. In the past, these were usually rehashes of the traditional easy listening stuff, but this has changed for the better. Although only available in southern California, the Christmas collections from Los Angeles’ KROQ are sought by collectors all over. Over the years, major artists such as Tori Amos, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer and Blink-182 have contributed rare or exclusive songs for these releases, which also feature original comedy material. Highlights over the years have included a take-off on Eminem’s “Stan” by Jimmy Kimmel, an X-FILES holiday spoof featuring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, and most recently, a song that reunites the cast of FAMILY GUY.

As proven by the last example, there’s something very odd yet appealing about taking characters from a movie or TV show and creating holiday songs around them. The casts of BONANZA, THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY and THE BRADY BUNCH all did whole albums. Just a few years ago came the SOUTH PARK Christmas album, Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics. I certainly can’t recommend this album to everyone (or play it around the family), though I find it consistently amusing. Highlights include the satire of intolerance, “Merry Fucking Christmas,” and Cartman’s pining for “Swiss Colony Beef Log.”

Connoisseurs of edgy animated fare might also remember the REN & STIMPY holiday album, Crock O’ Christmas. However, most have probably never seen the promotional disc Little Crock O’ Christmas. This was an example of a radio gimmick called the “open-ended interview” in which pre-taped answers are provided with a script to a DJ, who then can pretend he (or she) is interviewing someone on the air. I can’t imagine a radio station that would actually use this very cheesy Ren & Stimpy disc, but I couldn’t resist doing it myself. I present to you: Utterly Useless Radio interviews Ren & Stimpy.

Even more bizarre than that, perhaps, is the STAR WARS Christmas album. Evidently nobody learned their lesson with the 1978 STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, so in 1980, the man responsible for the disco-fied version of the STAR WARS theme, Meco, went into the studio to create Christmas In The Stars: STAR WARS Christmas Album. I don’t think I’ve ever met a soul who admitted listening to this album, but I do find perverse joy in songs like “What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?).” Rhino Records can be thanked for keeping this relic in print, which I would assume is because it contains (as per a sticker on the cover) “A Rare Track By Then-Unknown Rock Superstar JOHN BONGIOVI!”

Over the years, plenty of artists have released one-off Christmas songs as singles. This can make for some interesting browsing at flea markets and shops that specialize in collectible records. Some of them, like a jukebox release of the Cocteau Twins’ “Frosty The Snowman” and “Winter Wonderland,” can be found on colored vinyl (red, in this case).

They Might Be Giants also put out a Christmas single on colored vinyl (this one’s green). On side one, “O Tannenbaum” is sung in the original German, and the B-side is a bizarre tune about stolen “Christmas Cards.” Fans of the Giants (like myself) might want to know that the band recently released an EP on CD called “Holidayland,” which features a rockin’ cover of a ‘60s gem called “Santa Claus.”

Remember in the ‘80s when Max Headroom was huge, pitching Coke, starring in his own show, even recording a Christmas song? Oh, you don’t remember the Christmas song? Witness “Merry Christmas Santa Claus (You’re A Lovely Guy).” Yes Virginia, I think Max Headroom is funny, and I love this slice of cheese. There was a music video for this one as well, which is where the cover photo comes from. If you look closely, most of the carolers seem to be either bored or confused as to what is going on. Perhaps they just don’t understand why having a video monitor is propped up in front of a grand piano.

Another obscure single out of my collection is “The Christmas Song” by Billy Crystal. This is something of a souvenir from Crystal’s years on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, with just about all his characters (Sammy Davis, Jr., Fernando, Howard Cosel, etc.) taking a line or two of the song. If it sounds a bit too much, you might try the three-minute version on the B-side before subjecting yourself to the entire six-minute epic on side one.

Occasionally, I find Christmas singles on CD, but they seem to be less common. One of the coolest is “I Want An Alien For Christmas” by Fountains of Wayne. Part of the disc is actually clear, which makes the art of an alien pulling Santa’s sleigh all the more interesting. The second tune on the disc is decent as well, “The Man In The Santa Suit.” I have yet to see these songs turn up on a collection anywhere, but if I had my way, “I Want An Alien For Christmas” would be heard everywhere at the holidays.

With the trend toward rock music that is hard and bitter, there are more anti-Christmas songs as well. For instance, I found a promo single called “I Hate F%@king X-Mas” by The Rugburns. This disc is labeled, “Clean Version.” The original evidently is a hidden track on the band’s album Taking The World By Donkey. Another example is Zebrahead’s “Deck The Halls (I Hate Christmas),” which is actually a catchy song; it keeps popping into my head lately.

While I love all the songs and albums I’ve mentioned so far, I have a soft spot in my heart for the strange or downright weird items in my Christmas collection. For instance, who thought it would be a good idea to combine Motown Christmas tunes with THE FLINTSTONES? Take a holiday story with the modern stone-age family and occasionally interrupt it tunes from the Motown catalog, and you get A Flintstones Motown Christmas.

Once I saw there was a CD titled A Toolbox Christmas, I knew I had to have it. The back of the CD promises, “Your favorite carols performed on your favorite hand and power tools.” That’s exactly what you get, although I’m a bit disappointed that my favorite hand tool, the awl, is nowhere to be found.

There was also no question that I should purchase a CD called I’ll Be A Homo For Christmas by Venus Envy, a quartet of lesbians. Well, at least when it was staring me in the face for $4, I had to buy it. There’s really no surprise at what you’ll get here, especially when the cover proclaims “Bonus Track: Myth In Genesis!” There’s a mix of original and holiday parodies in a folk music vein that are seasoned with lesbian themes. The CD is occasionally amusing, but it’s hard for me to decide if the politics of the songs are to be taken seriously or if they’re exaggerated for laughs. I’d call it a one-of-a-kind, but I hear there’s a male variation called “Gay Apparel” by the Go-Go Boys.

There are plenty more Christmas surprises I wish I could describe to you, but alas, that would probably take until next Christmas. For further Christmas music suggestions, I recommend you surf over to a Web site called Mistletunes, where the webmaster has compiled a collection with criteria similar to my own.

Meanwhile, let me leave you with this thought…

What’s merrier on Christmas than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken gift wrapped by Colonel Sanders himself?

Derek Miner’s Top Five Christmas Tunes
5. “Christmas In Hollis” by Run-DMC
4. “Father Christmas” by The Kinks
3. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love
2. “Thanks For Christmas” by The Three Wise Men
1. “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses

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