November 18, 2002
Commercial Break, Part II
I'll keep this part short this week, since a lot of the column is spent discussing the winners of our BEATLES DVD contest. And next week in this spot, SOUTH PARK DVD contest winners.
But I'm also trying harder to take a look at some of the things people have sent me the past few months. Next up is an unproduced (so far, but things are happening on that front right now, in fact...) script by a gent in Idaho named Jason Appleman. Jason's actually got a couple scripts making the rounds, although it's too soon to say anything else yet. But he just might be giving you two more reasons to enjoy a certain pay cable channel...
Love and a Credit Card
The script Jason sent me is entitled LOVE AND A CREDIT CARD. If I was looking to pitch it myself in a PLAYER-esque sort of way, I'd say it was maybe "THE FIRM meets GIRL 6," which would, of course, do neither the script nor those two movies justice.
Essentially, it's a movie set in and around a dating service. A special dating service, called Eternity Introduction Service.
But before we learn about Eternity, we meet Eric, a 30-year old, married, with a young child. Eric's wife has given up her career to raise the baby, so Eric needs some money, and soon. So he becomes the newest hire at Eternity, a palce that makes the hard sell of GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS seem quaint and polite by comparison.
Eternity, at least the California office, is run by a woman named Josh Diamond, a woman who's foul mouth and hard-driving attitude is topped possibly only by her sexual appetites. Josh is what's politely referred to as a "ball-buster," making demands of her staff that they'd only put up with if she compensated them well. And she does--for bilking money out of loney, desperate people, anxious to trade their credit card info for a chance (or 18) at true love.
Eric enters into the job naively, and immediately questions her abrasive, hard-sell tactics. But soon, like everyone in the office, he's bought into the terrible-yet-terribly persuasive dynamo that is Josh. Josh has no qualms about eating people alive, whether they be her employees or her customers. So when some customers start pushing, demanding money back for the service not working out, she lashes out in ways that are comical and scary at the same time--she don't take no shit from nobody.
The thing with reading scripts is, some feel ponderous to get through, and some are such an easy read an visualisation that an actual movie is a bit of a foregone conclusion--you can already "see" the entire thing in your head while you're reading. And that's the way LOVE AND A CREDIT CARD was for me--the language is coarse and wickedly funny right from the start. Nearly every character is a bit pathetic in their own way, in that they let themselves get buffeted around by Josh's volatile whims. But Eric, who serves as our eyes throughout the proceedings, mostly means well. And, as miserable a person as Josh is, she's also easily the most fun character--it's no surprise why people get sucked into her web of deceit (that devolves into lunacy and violence) -- people like her just have this magnestism that draws people to them. She's pure id, and it's fascinating to watch for the crash you just know is coming. She's like the car crash you can't look away from.
Things go downhill in the script quickly--no sooner is Eric finding out that Eternity might be scammin people more than just the failed dating schemes might imply than guns are a-blazing and things come crashing down. The script is a lean 111 pages, but I can see where certain scenes could be paired down and Eric's stay-at-home wife, Nona, developed a bit further. I would've liked a little more of a sense of what drives her, to make her scene toward the end pay off a little stronger. But all in all, it's a really well-written script that could make for a fun, wicked little movie. If things keep moving as they have been, I'll give an update on what's up with Jason and his scripts soon...of, if you'd like more information from Jason himself, feel free to drop him a line here.
And let's leave it at that for now...I don't want to tie up your entire day, so next time, I'll get to the Double-D Avenger and some of the other things on my stack...
But now, let's close out our first site-wide DVD contest.
A Hard Day's Contest--The Winners
I have to say, there was an impressive turn-out for this contest, which was offering up some copies of the new A HARD DAY'S NIGHT Special Edition DVD. The rules were pretty simple--e-mail me which band today you thought was most deserving of a HARD DAY'S NIGHT-esque movie, and give me your idea for the story. First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to enter. Looking back over the entries, a few patterns emerged:
1. A LOT of you want to see Christina Aguilera and/or Britney Spears naked. There were multiple votes for the two of them, doing everything from remaking SHOWGIRLS or even THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS to re-making a Zalman King Movie to just dancing around naked for an hour-and-a-half.
2. A lot of you seem to hate Eminem, too. But more than that, I got multiple entries that said that NO band today is deserving of making a music-movie like A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, that there’s already too much cross-over between musicians and movies, and that too many movies starring bands (SPICE WORLD, anyone? Didn’t think so.) have been made for any new one to be relevant. Which, you know, fine. However, the contest rules were to pick the band that you’d most like to see in a new movie, and define the setting. Telling me no band was worthy is a little like saying, “Fuck your Monopoly! I want my $200 now, I ain’t waiting ‘til I pass GO!” Them’s the rules, so while I thank you for your integrity, y’ain’t gonna win anything for that. Remember kids, the lesson here is that ”Integrity never pays.”
3. Also, everyone seems to be universal in their hatred of CREED. The funniest bile spewed about that band was the call for a remake of THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST with Scott Stapp in the lead role, “because Scott Strapp thinks he is Jesus, and don't we all want to watch him die a slow lingering death on the cross.”
Before getting into the winners, I also want to run through a few more of the better suggestions that nevertheless came up just a little short. If I had more prizes to give out here, I would, but as it stands, there’s only two (2) Grand-Prize winners and one (1) (I) (uno) (un) runner-up.
Votes for TOOL, PRIMUS and NORAH JONES were interesting – both made me think that they’d be good on the big screen for very different reasons. Two other bands/musicians receiving votes that made me personally happy were Dave Grohl and/or FOO FIGHTERS, and TENACIOUS D. I agree, it’d be great to see both in a movie of some sort—among most musicians, they’re two groups who actually give the appearance that they enjoy their day jobs. And, of course, Jack Black is pretty watchable even in a bad movie. But it’s because Jack and Kyle both have been in movies of varying sizes that I eliminated them from contention. Granted, as a band they haven’t been in anything, but still. Voting, while not very scientific, at least wasn’t done according to my personal preferences.
I also ruled out Mick Jagger and David Bowie in THE BIRDCAGE 2, not because of the choice of movie, but because the evidence that was presented to me how they’d be perfect in this movie was entirely circumstantial.
I was also pretty disturbed by the notion of ‘N SYNC re-making any of the Marx Brothers movies, mostly because no one should know the names of everyone in ‘N SYNC, and yet this particular contest entry had roles assigned to each one. Brrr…
I have to say, entries for UNCLE TUPELO, THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS and GOMEZ were this close to winning, too. All good choices and all used sound reasoning as to why they’re deserving. But they also just looked for a live/documentary/behind-the-music-type of setting for their respective bands, and I wanted something a bit more, something with a bit of a plot to it, or even more ridiculousness to it. And as you’ll see from the winners, there’s a little bit of each of these things in the three who won.
One last time, let me say THANK YOU to everyone who entered—it was fun reading everyone’s choices, and I’m glad so many people played along.
Now, the winners:
First Runner-Up
It’s up to historians to look back and decide if this person is actually a winner or not, because the Runner-Up prize isn’t A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, but rather a new DVD of BEAT, the story of William Burroughs and his wife, starring Courtney Love, Ron Livingston and Kiefer Sutherland. The winner of this movie, mostly just for the title of her proposed movie, is:
Michele Lombardo, Newbury Park, CA
Michele wrote: Fans will be lining up for weeks to see “CLERKS II - DANTE'S AMIGO,” starring Brian O’Halloran and RICKY MARTIN. Out-of-work former bon-bon shaking pop star “Ricky” takes a job at the Quick Stop to help make ends meet while hopelessly planning a comeback. Hilarity ensues as video store slacker “Randall” mercilessly taunts Ricky about his utter lack of talent and his questionable sexual orientation. Ever-the-good-guy “Dante” stands up for his new friend and coworker Ricky, who takes to capitalizing on Dante’s old phrase, “I wasn’t even supposed to be working today,” by giving it his own latin spin, “I was supposed to be living la vida loca today.” With each utterance of Ricky’s new catch phrase, the convenience store patrons take to holding their bellies and rolling in the aisles. Not since Ricky Ricardo, has a lousy hispanic singer-turned-comedic-actor been so endeared to the American public. With Dante the new Lucy at Ricky’s side, the world is truly the Clerks’ oyster (or taco as the case may be).
GRAND PRIZE WINNERS:
There were exactly two copies of A HARD DAY’S NIGHT to spread around for this contest, and the two winners couldn’t be more different. One wins just for proposing something so ridiculous (and proposing it in a very funny manner), with someone whose name you just never expected to hear again. The other winner offered some inspired casting suggestions and gave quite the plot outline to his movie. It was also, coincidentally, the very first entry I received. Well done, guys!*
Scott Ryan Taylor
Templeton Moss
First up is Scott, who laid this WHAMmy on us:
Scott wrote: His first post-Wham! single "Shake" moved us all, but with a major motion picture the former "Style force" behind Wham! could really let the world know that just because he didn't write any music or songs, or sing on any tracks, he was truly one of the most dynamic and important forces in all of music. Andrew Ridgeley changed the world with his "Choose Life" T-shirt in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video (he's not really playing the guitar, either, but it is rumored he helped select the pants that he and George Michael wore on screen.) Now someone needs to "Choose Andrew" for a huge Hollywood film! Imagine seeing an ACTUAL DAY IN THE LIFE of one of the former members of Wham! who doesn't happen to be George Michael! From being barraged with questions from strangers about his actual involvement in writing any music or performing on any tracks to his constant self doubt and feelings of ! inadequacy and shame, a movie about "The Ridge" would be a fantastic jolt of pop energy not seen since NEVER.
And finally, the first, and dare I say best entry, to close this thing out, from Mister Templeton Charles Moss:
Templeton, from Lexington, KY (home of Denny Haynes), wrote:
The current band most deserving of a movie would have to be, in my insignificant opinion, BARENAKED LADIES. True, the Jason Priestley directed rockumentary "Barenaked in America" was released recently but 1, nobody saw it 2, it was nothing more than a two hour A&E Biography on the boys and 3, it's not a movie in the sense that A HARD DAY'S NIGHT would be.
As they have shown in their live performances, the Ladies are themselves great characters. Goofy bandleaders Steven Page and Ed Robertson, not at all clear who is whose sidekick, quiet, unassuming drummer Tyler Stewart, creepy-looking (nothing personal) but altogether too talented for words bass player Jim Creegan and Kevin "The New Kid" Hearn. Their lyrics are as funny as their live ad-libs and their personalities show them to be generally nice guys who are just the
slightest bit (read: incredibly) silly.
So, as for the movie itself. Perhaps the band has to solve a mystery? They're making a live appearance on a talk show, (probably Conan O'Brien) when suddenly, right on camera in front of everyone, one of the other guests is killed. So it's up to the Boys in the Band to solve the murder. (Come to think of it, I think this is a ripoff of a Steve Allen novel. But, as I'm pretty sure I'm the only person to actually read Steve Allen in thirty years that shouldn't be a problem).
Was it Conan himself in a desperate plea for Kilborn's ratings? (Not likely, but it's the movies.)
Was it Andy Richter, jealous of his old boss's new sidekick?
Was it the musical guest who got bumped when BNL became available at the last minute?
The writer whose joke got cut in rehearsal, maybe one of the band members themselves?
Their quest for justice takes them all over the city of New York (unless Conan films in LA, which he might [He films in NY –Chris]) where they meet strange and interesting characters, including a cameo by former band member Andrew Creegan, and what do you know? Steven meets his old sweetheart Jane St. Clair and they fall in love again.
Meanwhile Ed falls in love with a German Shepherd.
We need a title. In the spirit of A HARD DAY'S NIGHT it should be one of their own songs. "Blame it on Me" would be a good title for a mystery. "This is Where it Ends" or "Shoebox of Lies."
But I think the best title, since pretty much everything you can do in a movie with a rock band has been thought of a million times already, would be their hit single from Stunt "It's All Been Done."
IT'S ALL BEEN DONE
Starring Jim Creegan, Kevin Hearn, Steven Page, Ed Robertson and Tyler Stewart
Featuring Conan O'Brien, John Mahoney, Alan Rickman, Danny Glover, Sean Hayes and Kermit the Frog as Himself
Music by Sting (Just Kidding)
And that’ll do it for this contest—if you didn’t win, don’t worry, because there’ll be others. In fact, if you go to the DVD News section of the home page, you’ll see the SOUTH PARK SEASON ONE DVD Contest going on right now—entries must be received by this Friday, with winners announced in this spot next week.
*Oh, above, I said “well done, guys” because I got exactly ONE entry from a female, and she’s one of the three winners (randomly, not to fill a quota). So when people look to complain that we don’t offer anything here that’s palatable to women, I will use this contest as Exhibit A in the upcoming MOVIEPOOPSHOOT V. NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN lawsuit…come on, ladies, play along! There’s still the SOUTH PARK DVD contest. Carrie, family is eligible too, y’know.
Site Business
Next Time: As mentioned above, more "cleaning out the closet," the SOUTH PARK DVD winners and more.
And I got away from this for a while, but there's some cool things lately I felt like mentioning, so I think I'll bring this back--here's what I'm enjoying this week:
Movie: INTERVIEW WITH THE ASSASSIN
DVD: GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS 10th Anniversary 2-disc Special Edition
TV: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
CD: FOO FIGHTERS, "One By One"
Book: CARTER BEATS THE DEVIL by Glen David Gold
Comic: DC Comics' WAR STORY: THE RIEVERS
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