| LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD GETS A SNEAK PEEK AT SWORDFISH!
A few days ago in a galaxy very very nearby, I - LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD - got the opportunity to catch a sneak peak at SWORDFISH, a movie starring none other than WOLVERINE of the movie X-MEN, Storm of the movie X-MEN, the black porn dude from BOOGIE NIGHTS and Terl. My friend Dan was all like, "Dude, take my shift at Suncoast Video, I totally have to see SWORDFISH!" and I was all like, "No" so he gave me his super-secret, VIP-only test screening tickets. I thanked him by giving him the codes to make Lara Croft tomb raid in her panties for the new Tomb Raider video game (my review of THAT can be found in the poop shoot archives), and called my partner in crime MOTHER OF LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD and we were off for a date with destiny except it's not really a date because she's my mom and that would be weird.
Anyway, we go to the theater, and I am surprised but gladdened that nobody recognizes me. I mean, if these stupid movie people knew I was the guy that posted that SCATHING REVIEW of BATMAN & ROBIN all those years back, they probably would have been like, "Eat food somewhere else, local boy, we're gonna let someone else in." But they didn't know it was me (I think I threw them off because I wore my glow-in-the-dark SPAWN T-shirt, and they know that LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD gave SPAWN a terrible review...Mom wore a sundress) and I was in like Flynt.
Mom and I entered the theater and made a b-line for the candy counter. Odin knows that LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD needs his nourishment of earthly goods to fully enjoy a film. The candy-bartender gave me a weird look, and I was like "By Crom, he knows me!" and I was all set to throw smoke pellets on the ground and shoot a grappling hook into the air, making my escape through the sky-light, but it turns out that he went to high school with LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD. He was all up in my grill with "Jesus beezus you've let yourself go. I mean, you were always (expletive deleted)-ing fat, like 300 pounds, but you're almost double that now, huh?" I laughed and ordered my extra large popcorn and whoppers and extry large coke and made my way to the theater. Mom got some chocolate-covered gummi bears and followed.
I took a seat, wiping sweat from my brow as it was a long long trek from the candy counter, and settled in. Mom did the same just as the lights went down. I applauded and some nerf herder threw half a Cadbury's Cream Egg at me. As the credits for SWORDFISH rolled I enjoyed my newfound Cream Egg booty and laughed the laugh of the ages. Mom asked me to be quiet.
The theater was hot and stuffy. I think the air conditioner broke down, but Mom said it was fine and maybe I should take off my jacket. I said "You take off your jacket" which was at once funny because I was all up in that and also kinda dumb because she wasn't wearing a jacket. I apologized about halfway through the movie and she seemed confused, as if she forgot about what I was talking about but deep down I think she knew what I meant.
Just as Terl was doing something really boss with Wolverine, the hag in front of me asked me to stop being a smart ass and cut out the heavy breathing. I found this odd because this was, sadly, my normal way of breathing, and just as I was about to come up with a witty retort that woulda been right up there with "You take off your jacket" I felt a sharp shooting pain up and down my arm and chest. Thinking fast, I prescribed my own treatment of more popcorn and everything was fine.
After the movie was over me and Mom were asked to fill out the response cards. The guy that handed me mine gave me a look that made me fear for a minute that maybe he knew LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD but all was well when he made a really funny Earth comment like "I hope my kid doesn't turn out like you, you red-faced, sweaty mess." You better hope your spawn (the child, not the awful movie) isn't a thing like me, Card-handing guy, lest TWO people tell it like it is on the best movie rumor website that ever was. I had a really good comeback for him, and thought it and laughed but I forget now what it was.
After filling out the cards, MOTHER OF LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD and LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD went to their respective potties and then met in the Lobby. Mom took a while and when she came out she looked as though she had been crying, which was excellent because it gave me some extra time to stare at the poster for RUSH HOUR 2. (Man, if the 2 in the title means 2 times the fun then we're in for 2 times ALOT of fucking fun in August.)
Next we went to the local diner and ate some food. My burger was a bit underdone but a simple solution of ALOT MORE KETCHUP took care of that right quick. The fries were X-ceptionally good, and some were burnt and I like that and figure they probably eat them like that on planet Psyclo. My Mountain Dew was a bit watered down. I think they need to change the syrup in the dispenser. But even watered down Mountain Dew is better than I think sex must be because Mountain Dew is surely the game of champions if it was a game. I commented to my Mom how if there was an indeed a mountain that secreted such dew than I sure would like to visit it and she started crying again.
When we got home Mom poured herself a nice stiff one and I settled in to talk to my friends on the computer. They seemed at once jealous and highly amused by my Mountain Dew story and were LOL-ing into the wee hours of the morn. After watching an episode of BLIND DATE and spending some quality time with my Troi collectibles I settled in for a long winter's hyper-sleep.
It was a good, good day. And SWORDFISH sucked, but you get to see Storm's mutant powers. And by mutant powers I mean boobs.
LOCAL BOY EATS FOOD signing off!
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