MY GREENLIGHT GETS THE RED LIGHT

By Peter DeWolf

February 26, 2004

No one watched the first season of PROJECT GREENLIGHT any closer than I did. I never missed an episode. I knew the names and jobs of every single person on the crew. I’d even hiss when Pat Peach would come on screen. I was like one of those loons who gets dressed up and goes to act out THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, except that I wasn’t wearing women’s underwear. Well, I wasn’t wearing ONLY women’s underwear…

I was such a fan that I’d practice Pete Jones’ “Over my dead body!” every chance I got. [Note: Student loan officers do not accept that as a reply to “Please start making your monthly payments on time.]

When I heard that there was going to be a second season – and a contest just for screenwriters – I knew what my destiny was to be. My paintball epic would be chosen. I’d hang out and discuss hair tips with Jeff Balis. Joseph Middleton and I would high five after agreeing that Jason Lee would be perfect as the lead. I’d eventually have to dispel rumors that I had hooked up with Scarlett Johanssen at Sundance.

I couldn’t imagine any other scenario playing out.

So I popped over to projectgreenlight.com to sign up for Season 2 as soon as it opened. For some strange reason I actually read the rules. That’s when I saw “it.” I learned that only citizens of the U.S. were eligible for the contest. I was crestfallen. Hell, my crest fell, got chewed up, then spit out, and finally crapped all over.

Once the shock wore off, I found a contact e-mail address and sent a letter asking why we Canucks had been left out. I thought that the letter was pretty humorous and that surely someone would reply. Now, I wasn’t expecting a reply from Chris Moore telling me that they’ve made a complete cluster-fuck of the rules. Though that woulda been neat…

No reply came. Still I hoped that my voice had been heard and that we Canadians would be allowed in for Season 3. So time went by and Season 2 was about to premiere on TV, when I got a second surprise…

It wasn’t airing up here in Canada. I wrote an e-mail to the channel that broadcasted Season 1 and asked what the deal was. Their reply was essentially that while the show was well-received and had good ratings, that sometimes viewers like to watch something a little different. Honestly! This actually says soooo much about Canuck TV and really could be a column all it’s own. “Ratings? We don’t need no stinking ratings!” Just for fun I replied to their e-mail with “Guh?” I’m still waiting for their response.

So, I missed out on watching the dynamic duo of directing, Amy Smart, Balis hitting it off with the writer-chick, Amy Smart, a certain chair-breaking incident, Amy Smart… I guess I’ll just have to wait to buy the second season on DVD. I bet that they’ll be willing to sell that in Canada though. *cough* *cough*

I held out hopes that Season 3 would be different. Sadly the rules remained the same and Canucks are left on the outside looking in. Perhaps as some kind of payback for sending Celine Dion south. Or maybe Alan Thicke. I even had another script ready for season 3. A genius jailbreak comedy with a female lead! It’s like CAGED HEAT without all that pesky sexual energy. So, like CAGED HEAT 2, I guess.

[In case you were curious… “ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA MOVIE) is a broad comedy where a young business woman, Julia Adams, is wrongfully convicted of a crime and sent to jail. While inside she gets caught up with escaping convicts and is forced to break out. Soon after she gets out, she learns that her conviction has been overturned and she is to be released. She has twenty four hours to break back into prison before anyone finds out.”]

For now I continue to toil away. I recently began another comedic screenplay. It’s a high-concept gem that could be my best yet. However, I no longer dream of it propelling me to PROJECT GREENLIGHT fame. I have given up hope of winning the contest that meant so much to me. I’ve even tossed out the romantic haikus that I had written for Meryl Poster. I now spend my time honing my craft and writing pieces for websites with fifteen columns about comic books and not a single one about sports. No domains mentioned…

As I was doing some last minute research for this piece, (No, honestly!) I found another rule that said that optioned writers could not enter. And technically I have a script under option, which apparently makes me a “professional writer.” Though my bank account might beg to differ. Actually, come to think of it, my balance might be proof positive that I really am a writer…

It does make me wonder at what point does an “aspiring screenwriter” officially become a “screenwriter.” Is it just semantics, really? After all, my philosopher uncle says, “You can drive a thousand trucks and never be a truck driver, but if you suck one coc-- “

Well, you get the picture.

Now I have to go hit all the karaoke clubs on the eastern seaboard to sing my Chris Moore/Roxanne song. Feel free to e-mail me for the full lyrics.

Keep your sticks on the ice.

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