In fact, I had to withdraw from watching the Olympics due to MULTIPLE groin pulls. Now, being a male, I am no stranger to groin pulls. In fact, before this debacle, I would have considered myself a professional. And dammit, I trained hard for this. I implemented what I thought to be a grueling regimen (consisting of subscriptions to Penthouse, Jugs and Oui, as well as a minimum of 4 hours of Cinemax a night) designed to help me avoid injury. I felt that I was in peak form. Tip top shape. Hell, I haven’t felt this good since high school.

But it all fell apart. Maybe I was too cocky. But if I had to really guess the issue, I’d say that I underestimated what I was going up against. I mean, good lord, I was expecting the female athletes to look more like Horatio Sanz from Saturday Night Live. Who knew there were athletic women out there the likes of Kari Traa, silver medalist in Women’s Freestyle Moguls? Or Gretchen Bleiler and Hannah Teter in the Women’s Half-Pipe? I mean, honestly, how could I avoid injury? Again, I thought I could keep up, but after watching figure skating, Women’s luge and the Giant Slalom, I knew in my heart that I just couldn’t keep up with the frenetic pace. Honestly, I don't know who could. Pee Wee Herman. . .maybe.

But alas, even though it’s been tough and my Olympic dreams have ended prematurely, I know that I will be back and I make this solemn pledge to you, dear reader. . .I WILL be ready for the 2008 Summer games and the spectacle that is Women’s 100 Meter Butterfly. And in the mean time, I still have my music. . .oh, and my subscriptions.

Speaking of music, this week, we have our first contest, a fantastic new release from the Subways and a couple of discs from some up-start, indie players. So. . .how’d they fair? Let’s find out, shall we?

Artist: The Subways Album:Young For Eternity Bastard Love Child of: The White Stripes and Oasis Best for: Helping us all to forget that England also gave us the Spice Girls and Wham!.

However, I’m here to say that you have made a mistake. And, if you feel that way, you just missed one of the best discs that I, personally, have heard in quite some time.

The group, comprised of bass player/sometime vocalist Charlotte Cooper, guitarist/usual vocalist Billy Lunn and drummer, Josh Morgan, were initially discovered at an unsigned artist competition back in 2004. Snapped up shortly thereafter, the band hooked up with solid indie producer, Ian Broudie (Lightning Seed), and came away with this new gem, Young For Eternity.

The album itself veers between extremes as the band presents both solid rockers, like the first single “Rock and Roll Queen” and “Oh Yeah,” and more subtle, softer tunes such as “Lines of Light” and the VERY Oasis-sounding, “No Goodbyes.”

Arguably, the most impressive aspect of this disc, to me, is the variety of sounds presented here. As a result of this, the band is exceedingly hard to categorize. Are they rockers? Sure. Are they a shoe-gazing, emo band? Sure. Do they like the Sex Pistols? Sure. Did they kinda rip off Oasis? Again. . .sure. Regardless, every song on the album shines in its own right and this is easily one of the best discs I have heard in quite some time. And the best part? It doesn’t sound like another weak attempt to capture the fad du jour. Good Stuff.

Rating: 5 out of 5

Artist: Cats & Jammers Album: Wholelottagoddamn Bastard Love Child of: They Might Be Giants and Weezer Best for: Reflecting on the current state of Women’s Professional Tennis.

Question for you: did you know that these guys have 3 other albums and one of them actually shows up on iTunes? Yeah, me either. I can honestly say that I haven’t been this surprised since I found out that Venus Williams was a woman. Wanna know something even more surprising? These guys are pretty damn good. Scratch that. . .VERY damn good. In fact, they may be one of the better bands that you have never heard of.

Taking more than subtle cues from They Might Be Giants, these 3 chick magnets craft catchy tunes infused with clever and humorous lyrics like “She can beat me with her backhand stroke/And volley the balls in her hand." (from “Women’s Tennis Obsession”). I’m betting that these guys had to withdraw from watching the Olympics, too. Hell, just look at them. Are they or are they not the poster boys for “Wet Wipes?” Hello!!

Hailing from Chicago, Cats & Jammers, consisting of Scott Anthony on guitar, Paul Medrano on bass and Addison Monroe spanking the drums, describe their sound as a combination of “60’s garage-pop with frenetic 70’s punk energy and 80’s new wave.” I describe their sound more along the lines of a "punked-up" Weezer. Either way, Wholelottagoddam is a great disc and, with any luck, will be the one that finally breaks the band. Other disc highlights: “Salvador Dali Lama,” “Will I Die Young” and one of the best murder-themed power ballads ever, “Stabbity Stabitty Stab Stab Stab.” Nice work, guys. Now go shave the porn-stache and lose the bad, Michael Bolton hair.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Artist: Coulier (pronounced "Cool-yeah") Album:Vibin' Bastard Love Child of: Mr. Bungle and The Eels Best for: Background music for your next Jackass marathon. Or, for getting really, really high.

Commercial Viability – 1
Coulier – 0

So, Coulier. . .I gotta ask, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, you are obviously talented musicians. No argument. In fact, your combination of metal and jazz fusion is actually intriguing at times. At times. Mostly though, your disc, Vibin’, is the musical equivalent of a colonoscopy.

And I have to say, that is what pisses me off most about this album. There are some great musical moments on this disc. However, they are soon plowed under by some dumb-ass, electronic fart or odd, chromatic run. The album actually starts out decent, with 20 some odd minutes of Rush meets Pat Metheny riffing and I initially liked the two guitar and no bass approach. But this is all a tease. The real “centerpiece,” so to speak, is the 50 minute song, "Halibut." And it is during this 50 minute abortion that I learned to truly hate Coulier. In fact, I am going to have ask that they give me 100 minutes of my life back (see, I listened to it twice). And at a dollar a minute, these guys owe me. . .umm, like $33. . or so. I think. I always despised math. Not as much as I despise this cd, but close.

Now, some of you out there are going to say that I missed the point of this disc and that it is really keen to have 6 minutes of “buzzing” in between constantly changing and half explored musical ideas. In fact, I can guarantee that the boys from the band are going to say that. “But M.C., they are purposefully flying in the face of the music machine to present challenging, highly-artistic, high-concept, musical landscapes.” And to this I say, “Bullshit and screw you.” Be as “artistic,” “self-indulgent” and “progressive” as you want to be, but if you don’t give me a melody and a hook (or hooks) to hang my hat on, you’re just jerking off to your own tune.

And speaking of that, if you’ll excuse me, I have more training to do.

Rating: 2 out of 5 (1 point for the music and 1 point for the naked ladies on the cd cover).

If you are looking for some quality progressive rock/metal, you would be well served to hunt down Office of Strategic Influence by O.S.I. Actually, a reader turned me on to this disc (Thanks, Matt!) and I gotta tell you, it is AMAZING! O.S.I. is a super-group, of sorts, comprised of members from Dream Theater (Mike Portnoy and Kevin Moore) and Fates Warning (Jim Matheos), most notably. The sound on this disc is aggressivly reminiscent of Dream Theater, but, in my view, the music is much more accessible. For fans of either Dream Theater or Fates Warning (or even Porcupine Tree), this disc is a no-brainer. But to all you remaining progressive music fans, this disc is top shelf, with numerous stand out tracks including “The New Math,” “Shutdown,” and “Head."

CONTEST TIME!!!!

I have a fun one for you here, friends. You see, the kind folks at 820 Media are offering up 5 copies of Hank Williams III’s new double album, Straight To Hell, for your listening pleasure. And I will get to the details on how you can win your own copy here in a minute, but first, I’m sure many of you are asking yourself “What the. . .!?? Country!? What the hell is M.C. doing with a country album!?” But relax, friends. Take your Ritalin and settle down because I GUARENTEE you that this isn’t your mommy’s country. Take a look at this guy. . .

First things first, if you are going to get a tat, commit yourself to getting a decent ink job. Just like Hank here. Hell, it’s hard to tell where the t-shirt ends and his arms begin. Secondly, you are probably thinking “Hey, that isn’t Bocephus. That isn’t the guy that sings my football song.” And you are correct. This is the son of Bocephus, grandson of the original Hank. Oh yeah, and III, as he’s known to his fans and friends, used to play with Phil Anselmo’s (Sepultura) side project, Superjoint Ritual. So I’ll say it again. . .this ain’t yo’ momma’s country.

Unlike his father and grandfather before him, III cranks out the old-school country, as well as, his own brand of country rock, which he calls “Hellbilly,” and a full-on metal assault he terms “Assjack.” (As a side note, I knew a guy who got assjack-ed in prison. To this day, he cannot look at a jar of jelly without shaking uncontrollably and tearing up. True story.) Needless to say, there is a little something here for everyone. Seriously, this is a really cool album and would be a great addition to the collection.

So, you are probably asking yourself “how do I win this “yet-to-be-released” compilation of kick ass songs?” Simple. Send me an email with the following subject line: “Hank’s A Little Bit Country AND A Little Bit Rock ‘n Roll.” Clever, huh? Oh yeah, you might want to put your name and address in the body of the email. It’s no more difficult than that. The first five emails win the disc. However, special consideration and Extra Brownie Points will be given for including your idea for a country song. You make me giggle and you get a disc, regardless of when I receive the email. Only rule is you can’t use “Got drunk, fucked my dog.” That one’s mine. So, other than that. . .Good luck!!

And for those of you who don’t win, buck up, little campers. The new CD hits stores on the 28th of February. Every store but Wal-Mart. The don't dig III.

Well. . .that wraps it up for this week, friends, so until next time, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send pictures of hot Olympians, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001