MAIL SHOOT

September 6, 2004

COMICS 101 is Now in Session

And the IDENTITY CRISIS mail just keeps on coming…

Mike C. writes: Here's what I'm thinking about Identity Crisis, in so far as its darkness (rape, graphic murder of non-powered major characters, etc) in comparison to the innocence of the Silver Age and the semi-innocence of the current DC schema:

Maybe, just maybe, as the story widens in scope and focuses in thematically, we're going to realize that THAT'S what the identity crisis is... not a crisis coming from superheroes secret identities, but a crisis about what the entire nature of DC comics... about what the entire nature of superhero comics as a whole.

Are they colourful and safe power fantasies for little kids? Are they dark gritty commentaries on politics and society for teenagers to enjoy viscerally and adults to enjoy intellectually? Are they neither, can they be both, can they be something in-between?

I may be giving the creators too much credit but... that's what its starting to feel like... that the entire series isn't an statement about the identity of superheroes... but a question about the identity of superheroic stories?

An examination of whether... as awesome as they were as stand-alone stories... the profoundly dark and/or deconstructionist books of the Eighties (Watchmen, Crisis on Infinite, Dark Knight Returns, etc) were really all that good for comics as a whole, whether by taking out the heart and laying out its mechanisms for all the world to see, something essential has been lost entirely?

Maybe, paradoxically, they believe that the only way back from the darkness and the deconstruction is to bring down the most realistic suffering on those characters that are so beloved... and not their barely-changed proxies, not in a possible future or an alternate present... and then try to find the glimmer of hope at the end of the journey.

As I say, I might be totally over-reading the depth of the duality in Identity Crisis but...

I mean, we are talking about a story where one of the most realistically deplorable deeds in mainstream comic book history is done by a guy called "Doctor Light"...

Tipton: So the entire story is a statement on why stories like this are bad? Feels like a bit of a reach to me. Nicely arrived at, though. Thanks for your perspective.

Jesse L. writes: Just a real quick response to the comments from Monday's (8/1) Mail Shoot.

"James L. writes: If you want an even bigger difference between the two 'big events,' consider this. While in Identity Crisis it is showing how Sue's death is affecting other heroes, I wonder if Bendis will mention Ant-Man's now orphaned daughter even in passing?"

In the scene with Jarvis, he mentions someone getting a hold of Scott's daughter. So it is mentioned, even if just in passing.

Eric G. writes: Others may already be emailing you with this, but in response to James L's question: Bendis said at Wizard World that he does indeed intend to deal with Scott Lang's daughter and the ramifications of her dad's death in upcoming stories. I'm kind of surprised at the tone James took suggesting Bendis might not bring her up, since not only does Bendis have a history writing Scott's character in Alias but his daughter (Cassie I believe?) is mentioned in Avengers #500 after Scott dies.

Tipton: Duly noted. We'll have to wait and see.

Shawn C. writes: Spiderman and Wolverine in the Avengers...So does this mean Wolverine is going to be appearing in what now like 7 books a month or something -- why not just throw in The Punisher, Hulk and Daredevil? Anyways on to Identity Crisis I just read a reply you gave to a letter where you mentioned Tim Drake’s father might die and I have to say I never thought about that but I think you’re totally right. I remember reading a few months ago that an event as a result of or in Identity Crisis would finally make Tim give up on being a hero so Stephanie Brown could be Robin (Which btw I say was an attempt at publicity by DC that didnt work since I have yet to see anyone who really cares). What better thing to make Tim hang up the cape than the death of his father? Also down the road it could be the perfect event to make him Robin again giving him a fresh sense of revenge and putting him on a closer level to Bruce/Batman. Another thing I'm liking this mini series less and less as the only characters that have died seem to be family members and not actual heroes. I also stand by Firestorm being the killer since he seems to be missing and they have to explain the new firestorm or he’ll just to be different Kyle Rayner. Why?? because he’s either going to die or something since Jordan is coming back and I could see DC switching things around making Hal the hero and Kyle the GL that went nuts. BLAH! Anyways keep up the awesome work and I would love to see a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles column (I’m a huge huge fan of the comic book)

Tipton: I agree, the much ballyhooed female Robin story didn't make much of a splash. I think because everyone likes the Tim Drake character and knows he's going to come back to being Robin, there wasn't much suspense in it.

Darcey M. writes: I'm one of those people who is not too sure about Identity Crisis yet, but I have enjoyed trying to guess the killer's identity.

I'm not one of those who believes it Firestorm. If it is, why does he need to hang someone in issue #3 or use a weapon is issue #1? He could have fried Sue without needing a flame thrower.

One clue I'm convinced people are overlooking is the use of the letter "D". In all three issues, the letter "D" is shown as a stand alone letter. Black Canary says it in issue #1 (asking if Ollie really thinks it was D--?), by Dr. Light in issue #2 (when he says he can look sue up under "D" for Dibney) and by Green Arrow in issue #3 (as the first letter of "Don't". The "D" stands alone on page one and the rest of the word is finished a couple of pages later).

I'm convinced those "D" are intentional clues for the readers.

In addition, as has been pointed out elsewhere, the entire series is laced with mind control references. Not just the League messing with people's minds, but they mention Hector Hammond in issue #2, Firehawk (and interesting choice for this series) started out being mind controlled by a Firestorm villain and we get introduced to Phobia and Dr. Moon (both of whom mess with people's minds).

Also, Green Arrow in issue #1 describes Ralph as moving from Despair and Destruction. Interesting choice of words, consider those are also names of the Endless from the Sandman comics.

I am convinced these are clues for the readers. My theory?

Well, I don't know who is actually doing the killing, but I believe Dr. Destiny is certainly involved.

Tipton: Dr. Destiny is a good choice (and come to think of it, his name is John Dee, fitting in with your “D” theory), but it would be a bit of a cheat to have the killer be someone we haven't seen yet. At least Firestorm has been referred to.

We shall see.

Matt P. writes: Interesting reading all the responses to your Identity Crisis article, but no-one mentioned (to me) the obvious choice: The Atom. Evidence:

1) the phones. Notice that off-the-hook phones appeared at both murders. Who's known for travelling through the phone lines? The littlest JLA'er, that's who. This also explains how he got through Sue's security precautions. Also, after Sue's murder he shows up at Jean's apologizing for being late. Hmmm. . . .

2) Jean's murder. Notice what Jean says right before she dies. "Ray. Ray, please help m-" She's not calling out for help, she begging for him not to kill her.

3) He's appeared on-panel. If Meltzer's a half decent mystery writer, then the killer should have appeared already, since the series is halfway done. It really wouldn't be kosher for him to suddenly reveal on the last page "Oh, it was Ambush Bug all along!" Atom's had a decent amount of screen time so far. (this is why I don't think Firestorm's the killer)

The only sticking point on this is that whole stupid crossbow thing. My solution for this is either that he's being mind-controlled, or he did that just to show he cared, while knowing a crossbow wouldn't do a damn bit of difference (and if that scene was serious, then I have very little respect for Meltzer.)

Anyway, I suppose we'll know by the end of issue 6. Can't wait for your Starman column, btw. (And do Squadron Supreme sometime too! Please?)

Tipton: Ooh, hadn't noticed the phone thing. Totally solves Sue's locked-room murder quandry. Interesting...

Kevin M. writes: I was actually having this debate with my boss. I work in a comic book store, so I hear all kinds of theories. Personally, I don't think it's Firestorm. If it's anyone, it has to be someone that is already introduced as some kind of main player. Basically, I mean anyone with at least one line of dialogue. I am actually shooting for Capt. Boomerang or someone else from the Flash's Rouges Gallery for a couple reasons. 1) There has been a little too much emphasis on Barry and the repercussions effecting Wally. 2) Boomerang is down on his luck, and needs money to try and make a name for himself. 3) Sadly, the Rouges could pull it off. I don't think they say anything about manipulating the body post-mortem. The fire could be just a cover-up to throw the JLA-ers off the track. Mirror Master could bypass the security. Heatwave provides the flame. You can take your pick on cause of death because we don't know yet. I'm betting lungs freezing from Capt. Cold. All of those actions are from seperate weapons, and weapons can be used by nearly anyone. Ok, just thought I'd share my thought. Thanks for all the good columns.

Tipton: Problem with the Rogues, and Boomerang especially, is the lack of motive. Still, it's as good a guess as any at this point.

Cameron B. writes: First off, I think Luthor is involved, but indirectly. He'll play into it trying to get his armor back, or he's making his money now selling tech and schematics for weaponry. I mean really, he'd have nothing to gain from the murder of Sue Dibny or Jean Loring. Neither gets to Superman in particular, and since I'm pretty sure that's who he has a mad-on for after the big time defeat he got, other heroes may be safe from his wrath.

Secondly, Meltzer has said he wants to up the ante on villains, showing basically, all the villains are rather unpleasant.

Thirdly, we've started to see some fall-out happen before the series is over. The most notable clue to my theory on the murderer comes in the most recent issue of Flash, with The Turtle. In that issue, we see my prime suspect, Captain Boomerang. In the issue, it's hinted at he's planning something big, something to put him back on the map, back in the big leagues. I get the feeling this takes place before ANY events in ID Crisis. Then, in ID Crisis, he's featured somewhat, the most we see is in #3, when we find out he has a kid. He's also in tears, begging for a job from Calculator, but being told no one wants him.......

Think about it, going from one of the Flash's top villains to a synth-Miraclo-peddler........what better way to get to the top again then strike at the one place heroes might not be able to protect, the ones they love? Now this is where Luthor comes in.....Boomerang is being supplied his tech BY Luthor......think about it, Luthor has studied Kryptonian tech enough to know how to get around it. And as Pres, he probably had access to Thanagarian tech, Martian tech, etc., meaning, he knows ways around it. And as for the top of the line Earth security, odds are it's either FROM LexCorp itself, or Wayne Industries, which means industrial espionage, meaning Luthor knows his way around. But once again, Boomerang's plan doesn't impact Supes, so Luthor will involve himself in only the lightest of ways, the tech to get past security.

The killer: Captain Boomerang, with tech assist by Luthor. Motive: Nothing personal. He just wants to be back in the big leagues. He wants to have a big name in crime again. HE has the motive and the drive. And with assist by Luthor, he has the means to do it.

Couldn't be Firestorm though. The JLA ASSUMED it was Light because of what happened to Sue, not because of how she was killed. Personally, I think either Ronny or Stein is dead. Killed by Boomerang first. Without one half of the hero, Firestorm can't be accessed, passing the torch on to the new guy whose name escapes me now, but as a result of a sudden death, the power has changed somewhat.

And in ID Crisis #3, we see someone else WAS present in the Satellite as Light remembers what was done to him....Batman. But Ollie never mentioned Batman......meaning Batman ALSO had his mind altered. Come on, we all know Bats is strict, but he also would never, EVER go for a mindwipe. This could have HUGE ramifications on the JLA, as well as JSA. Batman already has a HUGE lack of trust for other heroes outside of his group of partners and Supes. This bombshell, just might push Batman off the deep end. And with Busiek coming on JLA, and rumors of him ballooning the League up with GA, Atom, Hawkman, i.e., the same people who might have said to mindwipe him, you know the potential for conflict rises again, maybe culminating with Batman leaving the JLA. I know, fat chance, but still, it's possible, what, with the Outsiders making a big comeback....and it's not like there aren't other super teams Bats could cross into...

Essentially, my thoughts:

Murderer: Captain Boomerang. And the JLA mindwiped one of their own.

Tipton: Good thoughts and theories, but I can't imagine DC would go along with the bit about the JLA mindwiping Batman. That just breaks the team completely, and goes against everything we've ever seen the characters portrayed as. Although I never would have thought DC would have allowed the on-panel rape and murder of Sue Dibny, either, so...

Adam T. writes: First off, great work on the column. I always mean to comment more readily, but I am in fact, a recluse. One thing that has brought me out of the hole I hide in is to discuss this whole Identity Crisis controversy. I read your piece on the book, and although I don’t 100% agree with you on some issues, I respect your opinion. One thing that puzzles me is the negative reaction to the “reality” being presented. Now, I am not a comic historian, nor an English major, but I have read a boatload of comics in my life. We’re talking over tens of thousands of books. Maybe 3-5% of them were labeled ‘Mature’. I see no reason why taking some of the world’s mightiest heroes (joke intentional) and adding a bit NYPD Blue can hurt their image. Think about the negative aspects of some of the best heroes and dare to tell me it detracts from their heroics. Wolverine’s quite deadly claws; Batman’s dossier on how to take out the JLA (with points for the kryptonite in his belt); Giant Man’s wife-beating tendencies; Peter Parker and his feline fetish (whist married); even Hal Jordan went nuts and destroyed the entire Green Lantern corps, and everyone can’t wait for him to put on the ring again!

Not to mention the fact that whenever a comic is made into a movie, usually everyone is crying for some “real world” sensibility to make it in. I can tell you ‘Blade’ would not have done as well if Wesley Snipes was stalking Dracula in his castle, talking jive and staking vampire monkeys (Note to self – Copyright this idea). One of the reasons we all loved the Spiderman, X-Men, Hulk (I did anyway), Batman Begins (Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong), Blade and countless other comic movies is the reality presented within. Painting the JLA as humans makes it easier to relate to them. Just imagine if you had world altering powers, and now imagine them being completely useless because someone you cared about died while you were out saving the world. How would you react? I’m thinking we’d have a whole lot more Parallaxes and a lot less Supermen (Two Hal references in one reply? What is this, 1996?).

Bottom line, don’t be so harsh. It’s not like Meltzer and Morales are turning Supes into a cocaine mule, or Diana a lesbian, or Plastic Man into a retired porn actor. They’re just adding some depth to the hero pool. Oh and if it turns out to be Firestorm, I will hate DC forever more! (or until Identity Crisis on Infinite Earths comes out…THEN it’s really on…).

Keep with the writing, guy.

Tipton: I somewhat see your point, but it doesn't quite bear out for me. Peter Parker has never cheated on his wife, so that doesn't apply. Wolverine has always been portrayed as an anti-hero. As for Hank Pym, the original story of his breakdown was sensitively handled, and his actions were shown to have consequences, which most subsequent writers of the character fail to understand. Telling a story about Batman taking precautions in case his teammates go bad isn't quite the same as showing Sue Dibny brutally raped and murdered. Just because comics can handle more mature subject matter doesn't mean they always should.

How the comics translate to movies has no bearing on the subject at hand, and because darker movies do better at the box office is never going to convince me that it's okay to subvert the characters from their creators' intentions.

As for this point:

"I’m thinking we’d have a whole lot more Parallaxes and a lot less Supermen."

Well, I always kind of thought the point of Superman is to show what we aspire to be, not what we're capable of at our lowest. If we have to stress one, shouldn't it be the more noble?

Thanks for writing, man. Always good to hear from new readers with different opinions.

Robert R. writes: I can't say I can muster up much enthusiasm for the series to date. Repeatedly victimizing Sue Dibny over two issues was just too much for me. And for what point? I don't see the point of a grim Elongated Man. Plus, I find the writing surprisingly sloppy. Dr. Light can't even bother to blow up a transporter tube in the same room when he knows the JLA will arrive any second? Green Lantern throwing a punch at Deathstroke?

At least, I'm also somewhat relieved that the third issue didn't get worse. Wiping memories happened practically every other issue in the Silver Age. And I've never liked Jean Loring either.

The one hook that the series still has going for me is that I love to try to solve mysteries. My pet theory is that the Calculator is the mastermind and his weapon is a brainwashed Atom. Brainwashing fits right into the theme of the series and would help explain the title. Toss in the presence of Dr. Moon, the fact that telephones are clearly present in both murder scenes, and we've seen the Atom pull the traveling through telephone trick at least twice in the series, and you have means and method. Showing how Atom could access a protected apartment has got to explain the silly crossbow scene. Toss in that the Atom was also an hour late for his meeting in the first issue, without explanation, and you either have a good red herring or a prime suspect.

As for why the Calculator, I think everyone is jumping the gun that they're after a JLA villain. Revenge is the obvious motive for the deaths of Sue and Jean, but the fact that it's a JLA villain is an assumption that sounds reasonable but isn't backed by any sort of proof. We know the Calculator fought the Elongated Man, the Atom, Batman, Green Arrow, Black Canary and Hawkman before. We know the list of actual and potential victims include Sue Dibny, Jean Loring, Jack Drake, and Connor Hawke due to their presence in the series. We also know that the Calculator gave false information to Bolt in the first issue, which kept Ralph occupied. Notice that we saw no proof that Ray Palmer was otherwise occupied during the second murder, while everything we've seen so far suggests careful planning.

I might be all wet, certainly you can't eliminate time travel, the Mirror Master, or other people funding this plan, like Luthor, but that's my pet theory for now.

Tipton: Hm. You guys are starting to convince me with this Atom theory.

Yeah, I think the ineptitude of the JLA is the book’s biggest weakness. In order to make the villains look more formidable, Meltzer repeatedly portrays the JLA as dunces. It takes seven of them to wrestle Dr. Light to the ground? No. Deathstroke faster than the Flash and with more will power than Green Lantern? Again, no. It killed me when the bit of Green Arrow dialogue remarked "The JLA teaches you how to fight." And apparently, you only learn one move: dogpile on the supervillain!

Ben S. writes: Another great column, another lesson learned...

I've just finished your Wonder Woman column andI've just noticed something... Things in the"Golden, Silver Age" were so racy, controversial, and so Un Politically Correct. It’s really sad how nowadays if even a story idea that resembled something from the Golden or Silver Age would never see print! These were supposed to be more innocent, and conservative times... yet Wonder Woman saw print with material that would never appear now!

Odd isn't it?

Tipton: Mostly, no one was really paying much attention back then. Must have been nice.

Malone writes: Just wanted to say that I dig the column, and it impresses me that you have time to write such detailed articles AND respond to reader e-mails (you've responded once to me about Superboy's glasses, which was greatly appreciated). Anyhow, I've been watching Smallville faithfully, and I have to say that as of now the most interesting character in the show is Lex Luthor. I wanted to know your whole take on the father/son conflict, and if it applies to any of the superman storylines. (Did you ever notice that Lex looks like the traditional Luthor, while his father looks like the version of Lex Luthor that was with Supergirl during the whole death of/return of superman story arc?)

Tipton: The Lionel Luthor character is entirely unique to the SMALLVILLE series, and I think they've done an excellent job of it. I did wonder if Lionel's resemblance to Lex's cloned body was intentional, but I kind of doubt it. It's a pretty obscure reference for Hollywood.

Justin writes: i loved your green lantern column. i was a little upset that you didn't go more in depth about kyle rayners run as the green lantern. the main reason i'm sending you an e-mail though is because hal jordan is coming back. i just want to get your opinions on this move and are you sad that this will be the end of kyle? is this a good move for dc? will this make move make green lantern a "must read" comic every month?

Tipton: I would be very surprised if anything is done to kill, invalidate or otherwise besmirch the Kyle Rayner character. I think DC is smart enough to realize that by now there just about as many Kyle fans as there are Hal fans.

That being said, as big a fan as I've become of Kyle Rayner, anything that helps undo the horrible idea of making Hal Jordan a mass murderer is fine in my book.

TV RECOMMENDATIONS

Steven W. writes: Good Day...I am really enjoying your fine site, so far, lots of juicy things to read and lots of columns, and lots of places to go...pretty well done by our tech guy. I found there was something missing, though form the 'what to watch" area...not that I went back all those weeks...much easier to just send in an email and complain, you see. Why are you not encouraging anyone to watch Nip/Tuck? I really think it is one of the most engaging shows on this year, far better than it's little buddy Rescue Me (but I really can't tolerate Leary, so...).

Ryall: Well, because you couldn't be bothered to check the archives and find that I have, in fact, talked up the show in the past, I will now go out of my way to tell people to avoid it. And to only watch Leary's show.

Suddenly I remember why I took five months off of doing the TV RECS column.

And I don't tune in just for the over the top sex scenes, though they are the reason I stopped channel surfing and found the show in the first place...having missed the first season, I eagerly await Christmas when I can spend the $50 for the DVD's.

Ryall: You missed the first season, you missed my columns that mentioned the show...good Lord, what've you been doing with your time?

So, in short, you seem to be missing the boat on this one...wanna remedy that with a whole paragraph explaining why? (Unless you have recommended it, and I was too lazy to find it in the archive...). I have recommended your fine site to the message board I sometimes attend, at excite.com, so there, I have done you a favor!

Ryall That reminds me...down with NIP/TUCK! Support RESCUE ME!

Nicole R. writes: I AM A BIG FAN OF ACTOR CHAD EVERETT WHO STARRED IN HIS SUPER ROLE OF DR JOE GANNON IN THE SEVENTIES.

THIS POPULAR SERIES RUN FOR SEVEN YEARS! (1969 _1976), THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF FANS FROM THIS AROUND, I MYSELF LIVE IN BELGIUM AND AM VERY HARD HOPING ON A RERUN OF MEDICAL CENTER ON TV, however I HOPE PRODUCERS WILL THINK ABOUT BRINGING THIS SUPER SERIES OUT ON DVD! THERE WERE MANY WELLKNOWN ACTORS IN THIS AS GUESTSTARS AND UNTIL NOW THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN ACTOR WHO PLAYED HIS DOCTORS ROLE SO VERY REAL AND FEELFULL LIKE CHAD EVERETT DID!!

Ryall: Hey, you agree with the HOW'S YOUR NEWS guy! And my mom, too.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA IF THEIR ARE INTENTIONS OF BRINGING MC OUT ON DVD IN FUTURE?

Ryall: There's no word yet but I'd expect them, like everything else, eventually.

THIS WOULD MAKE A WISH COME THROUGH FOR MANY FANS!

THE NEXT COMING WEEK CHAD WILL BE A GUESTSTAR IN THIS NEW TV SERIES THE MOUNTAIN.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE SENDET AND WHEN?

Yeah, it debuts here on the WB on September 22. For more information, check out the official site.

THE PRODUCERS SHOULD MAKE A RERUN FROM MEDICAL CENTER NOW FOR TV WITH CHAD AS THE CHIEF OF STAFF!

HE IS WITH HIS 67 YEARS STILL A VERY HANDSOME GUY AND WOULD BE EXELLENT IN THIS ROLE!

SORRY FOR SO MANY THOUGHTS AND QUESTIONS.

HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU AN ANSWER,
thank you from the far belgium

VAN HALEN Live

David S. writes: How is VH venturing into KISS territory? Was it the makeup and explosions that were going off every couple of minutes or was it when Ed stuck his tongue out at you?

Ryall: Let me guess--you're a huge VH fan who can't bear to see anyone say that the band was anything but stellar live? I'm a big fan, too, as I stated, and have seen them enough times to know a good show from a bad one. This one wasn't great. The KISS-like elements had nothing to do with make-up or pyro. They had more to do with aging rockers just mailing in an overly rehearsed performance. The difference is that, for all their shallow, money-grubbing ways, Gene and Paul seem like they still enjoy performing live. Eddie didn't.

David S. responds: Yes, I've seen 'em 4 times on this tour and numerous times before that. I've been a DIEHARD fan since '78 and have followed them EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. I too know a good show from a bad show and even though they're not what they once were, they were still incredible.

Ryall: That sentence alone is a bit contradictory--they're not what they once were but were still incredible? Huh. Can't imagine how otherworldy good that must have made their better shows back in the day. I know longtime fans often can't admit that their beloved band is on the decline--the same reason some Republicans refuse to even see FAHRENHEIT 9/11--but the fact is, they're not what they once were. This isn't an age thing, but a desire thing. I got no sense that Eddie even wanted to be there. It's not like I wanted to find fault with the show--I like the band and waited a decade to see them together again. I drove almost four hours in shitty LA traffic to see them, and the tickets, while free, had a hundred dollar face value on them--I wouldn't have gone to these lengths for a band I was indifferent about. But the fact is, lots of it felt phoned in. I'm not saying it to rip on them, just stating my opinion.

Despite every thing they've gone through and their age I'd like to see any other band out there right now put on such an energetic show and get that kind of feedback from the audience.

I'd say MOTORHEAD any day of the week, for one. IRON MAIDEN also comes to mind. Or Sammy solo.

They were louder than the band at some points. As for Sammy being the only one with energy you're insane. Eddie and Mike were all over the place. I was FRONT ROW on the 19th and Eddie was looking at us siling and having the time of his life.

Ryall: I was in the sixth row--better seats than I've ever had for the band, but somehow from the first to the sixth row, their incredible performance didn't translate as well.

By the way, I love that your opinion is allowed but mine is "insane."

You're entitled to your opinion but just remember when it's in print you're gonna have you''re opinion torn apart too.

Ryall: Fine with me. I still get the last word here. And in that last sentence, it's "your" opinion, not "you're." You're entitled to your e-mail but just remember when it's in print you're gonna have your bad grammar torn apart, too.

One little post-script to this whole bit. The guy who e-mailed me, David Smith, let me know after the fact that he'd been taking all of my e-mail replies to him and posting them at some VAN HALEN message board and trashing me every time I replied to him. Now, my private replies to people are much more polite than the goofy bits I run here (well, until I got wind of this, anyway), so to see that someone has been taking those and running them on some message board and inviting other people to trash me and the site just because I had a differing opinion about the show is maybe the lowest form of internet culture. I guess everyone needs a break from playing air guitar in front of the mirror and crying about the salad days of VAN HALEN with David Lee Roth, but there's got to be more productive things to do than this kind of sleazy garbage. Note to anyone: if you're going to take people's private replies and use them against them, at least have the balls to say so up front. Not that I'd encourage anyone doing so, mind you, but if anyone feels inclined to inform our friend Dave that he's a lowlife for doing this, well, simply click his name above. But again, I don't encourage this.

Joe L. writes: dude, get a clue.  should we point out how kevin smith has tanked his last movie and now has to do a bullshit sequell to clerks just to hope to make some money ?

Ryall: Yes, you should, because obviously a well-informed, non-judgemental and oh-so-rational sort as yourself obviously has some great points to make.

humans being not a good tune ?  clueless.

Ryall: And the movie it came from was great, too, right? Flying cows and crappy music, a perfect combination for the moronic among us. How come you idiots are allowed to have opinions and I'm not?

Ryall: Then like a soothing breeze, this e-mail showed up:

Another voice writes: Wow. Finally, a review willing to say that Van Halen isn'tas great as they used to be...

But as you went to the LA shows, they were the best of the tour thus far. Being on the road with them for a while was torture, as I hated watching Eddie play live...whilehe was drunk.

So, as terrrible as it was, you got the cream of the crop with this Van Halen tour.

Ryall: Not that I want to see the band get bad reviews, but this at least partially redeemed my review (which I thought was pretty fair), especially after reading an entire message board of bile directed my way.

I do hate the idea that Eddie might be out of control, drinking, or smoking like he was at my show. That seemed to lead to all the problems in the first place--no sober person one would pick Gary Cherone to front the band...

Jay W. writes: Hey Chris--my apologies. I was the one who posted your Van Halen review on the VH Links website. It was passed on to me by a buddy of mine, Jason Baldwin, who knows I'm a big fan. You may know Jason's name--he wrote a popular column called paper cuts for a comics website a while back.

Ryall: I hate you. I like Jason Baldwin, but I now hate you.

Okay, I don't. In hindsight, finally, it's kind of funny. In a depressing, "why do I bother?" sort of way.

There's been quite a few mixed reviews of the current tour posted and the rabid VH fans have a conniption when it happens. I've been frequenting the board for 4 years now and to say these people are devoted would be an understatement. I mean, I'm a BIG fan.

Ryall: This is the part all those message boarders didn't seem to get--I'M a big fan of the band. Seem them live for what, about 20 years now (cripes...), so I think I've seen them enough to admit when a particular show isn't all that great in comparison to others. That's really all I said, that the band wasn't as good as they're capable of being.

All the albums, multiple concerts, etc. But some of these people...it's almost scary. I am totally, 100% sure that if we were all in the same room, there would be a half dozen bloody deaths from Sam vs. Dave arguments. When Eddie wore his hair up on top of his head, sumo wrestler style, for the first few shows of the tour, there were multiple threads speculating why. Pages and pages of deeply concerned dissertations on an obviously spur-of-the-moment hairstyle choice. They love their VH, dude, and anyone that says otherwise is the sworn enemy.

Ryall: I'm okay if the morons who talked such trash about me and the site hate me for that review. If that's all they could get out of it, fine. I've got no room for assholes or idiots in my life.

I figured your column would get lambasted, but I never thought that it would get personal. Cool of you to come and argue on our turf, though. Sorry it got nasty.

Ryall: I kept telling myself to ignore it. But, of course, I also hate to give wrong-headed idiots the last word. Every time I think I'm out...

I saw these guys about a month back in St. Louis and had a few of the same thoughts. Sammy's incessant signing got tiresome. Eddie seemed like he was having blast, but his playing strayed from time to time. ( In Ed's defense, he has stated that he's finally come to terms with his celebrity and doesn't feel like he has to play everything to everyone else's standards. Whatever gets his groove on at the moment, he plays. I think that's why he's "exploring" different directions on solos.)

Ryall: I like the idea of him exploring different directions--that's what the band needs. He just didn't explore much of anything but the same ol,' same ol' at my show.

And the band was so loud, I had a hard time hearing the melody. But truth is, I'm not the only one who's questioned the band's current offering. Many other VH links members have voiced the same opinions, only to get stomped by the rabids, fingers firmly placed in ear canals and "LALALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU" spewing from their lips. You gotta remember--it's been 6 years since they've heard peep one from this band, so anything the Dutch boys do is golden.

Ryall: Eight years, actually. I don't count VAN HALEN III at all.

I've often thought that Ed could take a crap on stage and 10,000 fans would surround the steaming pile of stool, gazing in reverence. Hmm....wonder what an Eddie Van Halen turd would pull on eBay?

Anyway, sorry to drag you into the world of the Van Halen freaks. We're not all weirdos.

David writes: Ryall, you are taking these idiots (vhlinks message boards) way to seriously. You are obviously educated, which puts you ahead of 90% of the people who post there.

Ryall: I know I know I know...I should know better, I really should. That kind of stuff just drives me crazy. I never should've responded at all on that board, but I hate to give idiots the last word. I usually just let this stuff go but...well, like you say, I should've known better.

I saw my favorite band in Vegas with very low expectations given what has transpired over the years. I was very surprised how great they sounded. Certainly it wasn't the same as when I first saw them in 1977 or 1984, but they proved to me they still kick ass compared to what else is out there these days.

Ryall: See, I think maybe my problem was HUGE expectations. Sammy is one of my favorite performers in the world, and his solo shows never disappoint (except for one at Red Rocks in CO when he went hoarse and promised to reschedule...still waiting!). And every time I've seen VH before, it was just amazing. So I went in expecting them to make up for eight lost years in one night, I think. Could never happen.

People are so pationate about this band that they will go on the attack gainst anyone who is critical of them regardless how valid your points may have been. We are all entitled to our opinions and its pretty pathetic your are having to defend yourself for expressing yours.

Ryall: The problem with excusing the jerk-offs for their "passion" for the band is that I understand passion. Hell, I'm fine if they want to tear my review apart. But taking private e-mails and using them as message board fodder and never telling me...that's just beyond low.

I hope they write me back so I can take their e-mails and use them as MAIL SHOOT fodder next week...

Don't let these idiots get to you. I honestly did not care for your review simply because it is difficult to hear anyone put down my favorite band. However, I commend you on your integrity and understand it would have been far easier to simply rave about the band even if you did not feel that way.

Ryall: Thanks, man. I really never even thought this one would piss anyone off--funny how that works. Didn't reckon on the Cult of Eddie using me as the focus of all their obvious frustration with the band's long absence. I hate the idea of my favorite band becoming a nostalgia act, that's all.

Jason S. writes: I saw them in Worcester and I agree with almost everything you wrote. The set list was horendous. The new songs haven't even had enough air time for anyone to know what they were. Closing a show w/When it's Love is piss poor as well. I am sorry about your friend no longer being around but I think that Sammy's solo stuff slows things down way too much. They lost a lot of energy at that point when it was finally beginning to build. Eddie was sloppy at best. I am a HUGE VH fan and was highly disappointed. Anyone who tells you the show was the best ever is in denial big time.

Ryall: Luckily, no one's disagreed with me yet.

Rich R. writes: Read your review on Van Halen. I have been a fan for a long time and have seen them 13 times now. Most recently on the reunion tour in Indianapolis.

While I agree they were not as fresh or focused as in years past, I thought it was a great show. I saw the band Numrous times on the Carnal Knowledge tour and they sounded much better then.

I am surprised on your take on Ed's solo. Since the 5150 tour he has played the exact same solo nearly note for note. This can be evidenced by watching Live without a Net and Right Here Right Now Live. Even on the Balance tour it was the same and I was sick of the same old same old. When i saw them on the reunion tour, Ed had changed his solo quite a bit. Sure some of the big things, Eruption, Mean Streets, Cathedral, ect were there, but he did not play 316 and added a lot of experimental stuff to the mix. It was great. Maybe he had an off night when you saw him.

Ryall: He definitely did. He did the same stuff he's done for a decade, just less technically proficient.

Sammys solo is great, Al's is great, Mike's is ...well its a bass solo.

I also want to comment on Human's Being. Give it another listen. Its a great tune and important to be played since it was the last song they did before the break up and never got to play it live.

Dave W. writes: Don't let those idiots at the VHForums get you down. You spoke the truth and I couldn't agree with you more.

Ryall: 'Nuff Said.

Still CLERKIN'

J. Roberts writes: Well as a great fan of clerks I think its a great idea for Mr. Smith to return to the memorable  characters he created.  I hope that this movie has the same hope and honesty that Clerks did.  Then again it is a sequal, so as long as it is not in the vein of "Good Will Hunting Two," I'll be a happy camper. Good luck to Mr. Smith even if he isn't suppose to be here today.

James K. writes: I don't know if i should laugh or cry.First 'Jersey Girl', then Clerks Too (Electric blah blah blah)? Jesus. I wonder if this is how Iggy pop feels about Good Charlotte.

Ryall: CLERKS 2 is GOOD CHARLOTTE in this scenario? Aw, man, that's just wrong. You'll see when you see the flick. It should do for CLERKS what BEFORE SUNSET did for BEFORE SUNRISE. I actually think all sequels should wait ten years--they're much more interesting that way. I want to see the original movie's creators revisiting these characters that we assumed lived happily (?) ever after and see what they're up to in a way that's more than a crass money grab the year after a movie hits big.

By the way, I was watching Jay and SB SB again, and i wondered what universe we live in where Jason Mewes gets to star in a big budget hollywood flick. I mean, it was certainly funny and i loved all things Askew at the time, but damn.

Ryall: I'm sure Mewes would totally agree with you.

PS The site is still cool.

Ryall: Wait, was that ever in question?

It's a SIN?

Charles L. writes: Before I start, I just wanted to say congrats on taking the big plunge.

Anyway, do you or any of the guys there at The Shoot know what the hell happened to the footage from Sin City that showed up at San Diego ? Rodriguez said that he'd have it on the 'net by now and personally asked everyone there not to record it for that very reason.

Is he skimping out on his promise or is it really taking that long just to put a little movie footage on the internet?

Ryall: That's a good question. I assumed it'd surface soon after the con, but still nothing, even at his pal Harry Knowles' site. I e-mailed Robert a few months ago to try to get my hands on it but no luck so far. But I missed it at the con--I'm dying to see it. Hopefully soon.

You guys keep up the great work.

Defending the Red, White and Blue

Maria G. writes to Canuck Peter DeWolf after his take on the RNC last week: My friend, go back to whatever you did before taking a typing class and thinking you were a writer.

Peter DeWolf: Hate mail! Cooool.

That has got to be one of the most nauseatingly unfunny things I've ever read.

Peter: Granted that wasn't some of my best work, but "nauseatingly unfunny?" Dude, that's pretty strong. I would have reserved usage of that phrase for something like "Yes, Dear" or every single person on "Last Comic Standing."

You should probably stop watching "The Simple Life"; it's reduced your range of references.

Peter: I was dumming it down for average Americans. (That's a joke -- you can tell by the queasiness you are now feeling.) I had a Karl Rove joke but didn't figure anyone knew who he was.

Drinking jokes about the Bush twins? Wow, that's fresh and new.

The Jenna/beer joke was rather weak. You got me there. I had a whole bit worked out about her taking the teaching position in Harlem and Clinton having his office in Harlem. But then I figured I'd have to explain it...

You find our electoral process confusing? It's pretty simple: every state must be represented in the final decision, so big states like California and Texas don't decide it on their own.

And finally, not to sound intolerant or anything, but --

Who the FUCK cares what some Canadian has to say about our election?

Peter: You may not give a fuck about what a Canadian has to say about your election, but I probably know more -- and am paying more attention -- than the vast majority of your countrymen. And I get most of my info from "The Daily Show."

And don't worry, I'm an anti-Bush, sopping-wet liberal. But all the same...

GODFATHER III Still Sucks

Rudy writes: chris, you're back in tv reccos one week and you're already pissing me off? what the hell does everyone have against Godfather 3?! it was a very fitting end to michael corleone's life.

Ryall: It was fitting in the same way that SUPERMAN Questing for Peace was a fitting end to that character's cinematic tale. Also, I've been gone from the TV RECS for five months...I have a lot of pissing people off to catch up on. Hmm...maybe I should just take shots at Eddie Van Halen in there.

New Music from Down Under

Mamfrika writes: Hello from australia, My name is Chrisse Feros, I am known also as "Mamafrika". I am from Land of OZ, and am of Greek parentage...
I am a world music artist, and details about me can be found at
www.chrisseferos.com
My latest album has been signed to Converge records/Sumthing distribution, a Nile Rogers Company, and is signed for national distribution throughout USA and its territories.
Release date was 1 May 2004. I will be releasing the album in Australia on 1 November 2004, followed by a Release Concert, date TBA.

I hope you can include my news on your site, which is so fun, and informative.

Ryall: I think I can do that just this once...

Count Olaf Speaks

Ryall: I've just now been reading the first three LEMONY SNICKET books, so I was amused to see that the character Jim Carrey plays in the upcoming movie, Count Olaf, has just launched his own Web site. It looks like Carrey's going to be playing the role a bit broader (gee, really?) and funnier than he's portrayed in the book, but he's got the look down perfectly. I like the slightly twisted sensibilities of the books. Hope the movie follows suit.

World's Greatest Martial Artist of the Week

Don't mess with this man!*

Thanks to David Tipton

BATMAN Begins Again

Ryall: Intrepid 16-year-old would-be director D.J. Williamson e-mails with more plans for his three proposed BATMAN movies:

besides the batman films i have at least seven more films i'm doing. five of them will be animated and based upon characters that i created and the other two will be another A Nightmare on Elm Street and a fifth Psycho film. you should be recieving from me tonight the Batman possible cast list which is in the works. like i said i'm 16 and still in school so it might be tough to start filming the movies but this and weeks to follow I will be writting the one Batman films which isn't a doc. and try getting the cast that i feel will bring my movie to life...my movie might be as dark as Tim Burton's two films

Ryall: Minus the "Bat-Dance," I'd hope.

or i'll try to make it to that standard...now any scripts that i do come up with and if i can get that cast and a crew might hopefully be filming in 2007. Now My five animated films based on characters created by me might actually be comming out all at the same time or spaced apart but they will be going to theaters.

Ryall: Damn, those overseas animation sweatshops are gonna be awfully busy...

I can except for the three batman projecst i'm working since its taking long enough but i could possiblilly give u info. on my animatedfilms plus the fith psycho and eigth Freddy film if u would like me to. Now just incase your wondering when the movies will come out i'm thinking that the Batman doc. the Batman script i'm working on, psycho five and a nightmare on elm st. 8 might all come out on the same day (well at least thats what i hope if i can do that...trust me i could pull it off)

Ryall: Remember what they say--it's not a lie if you believe it! I have faith in you, man. I'd recommend getting your driver's license first and then shooting the hell out of all of these movies.

the cast list for the movies i'm making might be included with the batman cast list tonight that i'm sending you. also plaes realize that the cast list are just some possibilites until it gets final and i'll e-mail u the final cast list. Tonight i'll e-mail you the main possible cast list for Batman, Gordon...etc...the other cast and characters are to be announced...

In the two films these are the possible villians:

King Tut/Professor William Omaha Mackelroy (for him i was thinking John Goodman)

Ryall: Yeah, please save him from that crappy new sitcom he's on.

Mostly, I'm just impressed that a 16-year-old kid is so well versed in Batman lore.

False Face
The Mad Hatter/ Jervis Tetch
The Sewer King
Arnold Wesker
Man-Bat/Dr. Robert Kirkland Langstrom
Firefly/Garfield Lynns
Orca/Dr. Grace Balin
Gearhead/Nathan Finch
Victor Zsasz
Brutale
steeljacket
Black Mask/ roman sionis

Ryall: And again:

chris here is the possible cast:

Batman/Bruce Wayne-Kevin Sorbo

Det. Harvey Bullock Jack McGee

Danielle Fisher (Bruce's love)- Eliza Dushku

Commissioner James W. Gordon- Pat Hingle, Jerry Springer or Robert Englund

Ryall: I hope Springer's political aspirations don't get in the way of this. Then again, he's too sleazy to play Jim Gordon anyway. And Pat Hingle was always all wrong. That seems to leave...Freddy!

thats the main cast that'll be in my two films other cast and characters to be announced. please note that the cast next to the character names or just possiblities so if u wanna post that on your website go ahead. I'll give u more info. soon...

Ryall: And again...:

yo right now (well hopefully next week) i will be filming one of my films . it is not batman related. i'm calling it Grandma Betty. there is no script but i'm directing...its about my grANDMa who always says things that could get her in trouble and such but i should be filming next wk. casue its her birthdy.

Ryall: For the good of mankind, please shoot for a PG rating on this, not an R.

here's a list of my movies i'm doing

"PRESIDENT DAN"
"PRESIDENT DAN 2"
"PRESIDENT DAN 3: TERRORISM"
"PRESIDENT DAN 4: RE-ELECTION"
"PRESIDENT DAN 5: THE LIFE OF PRESIDENT DAN"
"GRANDMA BETTY"
"PSYCHO 5: MOTHER'S DAY"
"STATIC SHOCK"
"ARMY MEN"
"BATMAN DOCUMENTARY" (NAME STILL IN WORKS)
"A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 8: KRUEGER'S BACK" (NAME STILL IN WORKS"
"GET FUZZY"

PRESIDENT DAN IS BASED UPON CHARACTERS CREATED BY ME. GET FUZZY IS BASED UPON THE COMICS BY DARBY CONLEY ARMY MEN IS BASED ON THE VIDEO GAMES. MY THREE BATMAN PROJECTS BATMAN CREATED BY BOB KANE. PSYCHO BASED UPON THE NOVEL. GRANDMA BETTY IS ABOUT MY GRANDMA. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST. BASED UPON CHARACTERS CREATED BY WES CRAVEN

POSSIBLE FILMS
"CHARMED"
"TANK GIRL 2"
"THE FLASH"
"BATMAN BEYOND"
"NINJA TURTLES 6: DEATH OF SPLINTER"
"GOOD BURGER 2"
"GARFIELD 2"

Ryall: And...again...

this december i'll be filming the batman documentary and tha i'll probably be until april of 2005. then may of 2005 till may of 2006 i'll be filming my non doc batman film. and right now til probably about march i'm filming something which i'm calling Grandma Betty. Grandma betty has no script but is me just following my grandma around i know it dont sound like much but trust me its gonna be good. right know i'm trying to balance these three films. hopefully next wk. i'll be working on a script for my one Batman film. You can post this on ur site because i want people to know about me and stuff...if u need more info u contact me...........

Ryall: Godspeed, my over-acheiving young helmsman.

And one last: in "Batman: The Nightmares in Gotham" might have Two-Face/Harvey Dent in it but that right now is in the works...the main reason for possibily having Two-Face in it is because i feel that batman forever made a fool of two-face and made him be how i do i put this not crazy like he was or should be they made him seem more like a joker wanna be...but if i do have him in this film i will make sure he's like the way he's always been and not a joker wanna be...

Ryall: I concur completely with this thinking.

NORM!

Ryall: Sometimes I get the oddest e-mails:

Dear Chris,

                 You are cordially invited to visit Gary Portnoy's new website.  In case you are not familiar with his name, Gary is the writer and singer of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name", the Theme From Cheers.   Sometimes you wanna go....

                                               Click here: Gary Portnoy.com

                               Cheers!

Photos of the Week

Ryall: In honor of tomorrow's release of the JERSEY GIRL DVD, I'm happy to share this screen grab of some of the set's extras. Contained on the disc are a lot of the interviews that originally ran here under Antony Teofilo's RENAISSANCE MAN column. Sure, his name is misspelled "Anthony" on the DVD, but really, shouldn't his name have had an "h" in there all along? Congrats to Thony, er, Tony, for getting his work on the disc. Just to point out that this wasn't simply a matter of Kevin giving one of his boys a little love, the disc and the extra material was solicited and paid for by Miramax, not Kevin. Pretty cool. You'll have to wait a while longer for my deleted scene, however...

Ryall: And some promo pics from NATIONAL LAMPOON'S GOLD DIGGERS, featuring the movie's star, Nikki Ziering:

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