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I GOT ISSUES

By Ken Cuperus

November 20, 2002

RANDOM MUSINGS-A-LA-PALOOZA

This week has been a rather busy one, what with script deadlines looming, my wife's pregnancy term rapidly winding down (we're due in January! Send diapers, fast!), and the Christmas rush right around the corner (although I have no idea what a Christmas rush is, let alone how it's slowing down my column production.), all resulting in a log jam in my IN-BOX! (Man, that just aches for a sex joke. Where's A.K. when you need him?) My desk (Two milk crates held together with scotch tape) is slowly disappearing under a mound of paperwork! DAVID BLAINE, eat your heart out! (No seriously...wouldn't that be the ultimate trick? If he ate his own heart? Tell me DARYL HANNAH wouldn't come running back after seeing that!)

So anyway, (are you sick of my blatant overuse of "bracketed" statements yet? ...is 'bracketed' even a word?) rather than focusing on a main topic this week, the "I got Issues" team will instead simply be snatching and grabbing at various dis-conjointed non-sequitors (is dis-conjointed a word? If not, should it be? Who do we call about that?) in a bid to fill enough space for us to keep our jobs here at the 'Shoot, while also wasting several minutes of your precious time! See, in the end, it's all about you, the reader. That's why we do this. Well...that and the complimentary hookers, anyway. (Thanks Kev!) So what are you waitin' for? Read on already... it can only go uphill from here, right?

[Editor's note: There is no guarantee that the following article will indeed go "uphill from here." This is pure speculation. In fact, considering Ken's track record, you can almost be sure that the remainder of the column will actually sink to depths that have previously only been sung about in folk-songs. And not real folk-songs either. These folk-songs have obviously been created for the sole purpose of using in reference to just how low this column will go. However, these songs still have catchy tunes, and may be released on a commemorative album at some point in the future. Order now.]

DC COMICS-A-LA-PALOOZA

DC has recently released tons of info on their 2003 slate of new comics. I'm particularly impressed with how the company has found a way to fully utilize its wide stable of characters, by creating a diverse selection of new titles (some ongoing, some limited series) that actually manages to include something for everybody. Here are some highlights:

SUPERMAN: METROPOLIS (12-issue mini); SUPERMAN: SECRET IDENTITY (3 issue prestige); BATMAN: DEATH AND THE MAIDENS (9 issue mini); SUPERMAN: TRUE BRIT (Elseworlds - prestige one-shot); BATMAN: CHILD OF DREAMS (hardcover); SUPERMAN/BATMAN (ongoing); SUPERMAN: BIRTHRIGHT (12 issue mini); TRINITY (featuring Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman – 3-issue prestige mini); SUPERMAN/BATMAN: THE CAPE AND THE COWL (14-issue prestige maxi-series); BATMAN: THE BROODING (4-issue mini); SUPERMAN: THE UNDEROOS CONUNDRUM (6- issue teen-reader magazine); IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE...IT'S BATMAN AND SUPERMAN (ongoing); THE SUPER-BAT TWINS (Elseworlds – 3-issue prestige); SUPERMAN/BATMAN: WAITER, THERE'S A BAT IN MY SUPER! (12-issue mini); SUPERMAN: NIGHT OF THE BAT (prestige ongoing) and finally GREEN LANTERN: THE DAY SUPERMAN AND BATMAN GOT RINGS, TOO (17-issue prestige mini) (note: Green Lantern may not actually appear).

Wow, let's face it...with so many Super-exciting Bat-tastic new titles, it's never been a better time to be a DOOM PATROL fan! And although you may think that some of these new books sound like the same old-same old...There is one announced project that sticks out in my mind as a shrewd marketing ploy that is sure to bring in a whole new audience. Check it out!

SUPERMAN/BATMAN: TRADING SECRET SPACES

Previews solicitation info: Batman and Superman are tricked by Mr. Mxyzptlyk into signing up for the ultra-popular cable channel program "Trading Spaces." Will Batman choose to warm up the Fortress of Solitude with satin and lace for those cold winter nights? Will Superman spruce up the dreary old Bat-Cave with a splash of color, and maybe a nice throw rug for dramatic effect? And most importantly, will they like what each other has done to the place? Featuring guest appearances by Batgirl, Superboy, Jonah Hex, Rainbow Rider, and Ty the dreamy carpenter! 32 pgs. With ads. Suggested retail: $2.99

Hopefully this book will spawn many, many more crappy cable specialty channel cross-overs.

MARVEL COMICS-A-LA-PALOOZA

What is going on in this Universe? MARVEL seems to have not only decided to throw continuity to the wind, but has also begun to treat each title like its own separate line. And it's driving me nuts to the point where I'm not even sure I like any of the titles anymore. I don't want to be shallow or snobby or anything, but I seriously find it hard enjoying a comic, knowing that everything I'm reading could be thrown out the window in the next issue. It's like a company-wide line of ongoing WHAT IF? stories. Here's one little example of the much bigger problem: Not long ago, JOE QUESADA stated that he wanted death to be meaningful in the Marvel Universe, so when characters died, they would remain dead! (a stance I whole-heartedly agreed with, I might add.) Then, in a recent issue of NEW X-MEN, an old 'Brotherhood of Evil Mutants' member, UNUS THE UNTOUCHABLE showed up. Trouble is, Unus was killed off long ago, in one of the more memorable death scenes I remember from comics as a kid. Unus had the uncanny ability to prevent anyone from touching him. Unfortunately (after what would be called today, a secondary mutation) Unus himself became unable to touch anyone or anything...including food and water. Eventually Unus succumbed to starvation. In a powerful moment, the BLOB picks up Unus' no longer untouchable dead body, and cradles it in his arms. Wow. What a moment. Of course that entire scene has been rendered moot by the fact that Unus, with nary an explanation, has turned up again, alive and well. When asked for comment on this stunning reversal in his “Dead means dead” policy, Quesada said he had no idea that Unus had even died. Apparently the editors of Marvel books are no longer expected to do research to avoid inconsistency...now it's just a “whatever goes” policy I guess. (remember how well that particular strategy worked for DC? Crisis, anyone? Bueller?)

Here's another slice of problematic pie for you to digest: In current issues of THOR, the title character has supplanted himself as the Earth's protector, and has begun righting all the world’s wrongs, whether anyone wants him to or not. Even Asgard itself has hovered down from the heavens to float over the better part of NYC, yet we see no trace of this in any other books. I mean, it's a great concept, don't get me wrong...but it rings hollow when it doesn't match up to the NYC seen in other titles. In AVENGERS, all of Washington D.C. was blown to bits in the war with KANG, yet nobody seems to mind, or even mention this horror, even in passing. Blecch! What the NEW MARVEL seems to have forgotten, is the joy of a joined universe...knowing that a death in one title will carry ramifications and ripples through the rest of the line. I'm not talking about big company cross-overs, just the little moments that remind us that The Fantastic Four live just down the street from Avengers Mansion. Joe Quesada has argued tirelessly on his message boards that what should be more important than continuity, is consistency, yet he seems to have gone out of his way to produce a line of books that are separate from each other in every conceivable way. Even the CAPTAIN AMERICA of the MARVEL KNIGHTS shares little resemblance to the AVENGERS version...although, they are supposedly the same guy. By creating titles that don't match up in a shared Universe, Marvel has created even more chaos and confusion than ever before. Remember when SPIDER-MAN had the black costume? Remember how he wore it in all the comics he appeared in? That's called consistency! And oh, but it was a beautiful thing. The recent DEFENDERS had a HULK who talked...but at the same time, in his own title HULK just tends to sneer and smash things mindlessly. (If he's even lucky enough to appear at all...in his OWN book!) And how many people have managed to figure out whether CAGE from his own title in the Max line is the same Luke Cage from ALIAS (also in the MAX line, but apparently nestled within standard Universe continuity) Has your head exploded yet? Mine has.

It seems that the NEW MARVEL is living in the here and now, making whatever outrageous moves will make them money in the short term...with no regard to how seriously screwed up the line will be a few years from now. After all, it probably won't be their problem...leave it to the next EIC to try and sort out the mess. Quesada looks like a genius, and his eventual replacement is doomed to look like an asshole 'cause the titles and characters have been mangled beyond all recognition. Man, I hope I'm not that guy! There's no question that the quality of individual Marvel books is at an impressive high point right now, but without some sort of consistency between titles, the books come across as sterile and lifeless; existing in a bubble that severs all emotional attachment readers may have for the characters within. Of course the depressingly dull and repetitive cover images don't help matters either. In fact, for what should be one of the richest creative periods in the company's long history, it feels like Marvel is doing their best to sabotage their own success!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED-A-LA-PALOOZA

Those of you who still retain a shred of short-term memory will remember my previous column where I admitted to buying and reading awful comics...on purpose. Well it seems to have generated a lot of interest... from one person. And since that number exceeds my previous record for generating interest among my fans, it of course got my attention. Fellow comic book journalist PAUL "WISENHEIMER" WEISSBURG has thrown down the gauntlet in his fun and informative on-line review column, known to friend and enemy alike as HOOPLA! For a sample of his insightful wares, just click HERE! (It won't work of course, because I have all the computer savvy of a turnip... But you can find the weekly column at: Comic Book Galaxy.) In his most recent installment (as of this writing), Paul considers my selection of bad comics to be rather lightweight, and has challenged his readers to find some truly repulsive books that would make current issues of WOLVERINE, IRON MAN, and TITANS look like WATCHMEN. I'm definitely intrigued by this proposal, and will do my best to play my role in this sadistic pageant...which would be to buy and read these comics that will presumably cause no small amount of 'eye-bleeding.' I remain skeptical that any comic exists that could be worse then the current run of IRON MAN (my pick for “worst comic ever -- this year”), but I'm also Man enough to admit when I'm wrong. So send Paul (or myself, if you prefer...Paul can be a little intense at first) your suggestions, and let the ritual begin. I can take it!

IN CONCLUSION-A-LA-PALOOZA

That's it for this week. But for all you stinky Americans out there: Have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving. I know I did. Back in October, when it's supposed to take place! (Get your facts straight, Uncle Sam!) At any rate, I'll be back in a few weeks to share some Yuletide greetings, and other tasty nuggets of fun. See ya soon!

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