By Ken Cuperus
WELCOME TO THE RUMOR BAR:
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. But if that place is closed, then why not try the newest cyber watering-hole in the neighborhood, where the drinks are free (probably because they aren't real...it's just a web-page, bonehead!) and the rumors come fast and furious. Sit back, relax, and enjoy, as we dish the dirt on some of the industries best kept (until now) secrets. And don't forget to tip the wait staff...the pay here is lousy!
[EDITOR'S NOTE - The following rumors have not been confirmed nor denied by any of the comic book pros mentioned below. It should also be noted that none of the pros mentioned were actually approached and asked for confirmation. These rumors are completely unsubstantiated in any way, and there's a high percent chance that they were actually started by the writer of the column himself. That, however, is merely a rumor...and an unsubstantiated one at that. Also, I'm not actually the Editor. I work in the mail room, part-time. ]
SO, DID'JA HEAR...?
Word on the street is that DC plans to relaunch a new CAPTAIN MARVEL FAMILY book. The catch? They hope to capitalize on the currently red hot status of MTV's THE OSBOURNES, by placing the heroic clan of do-gooders in a reality documentary format. Watch as family patriarch, THE BIG RED CHEESE, clings desperately to his last remaining shred of sanity, and intellect, brought on by years of overdosing on the word SHAZAM! The frequent transformations from Billy Batson to Captain Marvel have finally taken their toll...and it's not pretty! Despite years of being neglected and ignored, MARY MARVEL, and CM3 still stand behind the good Captain, and *beep* anyone who gets in their way! Plus, you won't believe the mouth on TALKING TAWNY. "Hey *beep*hole, how about changing my kitty litter once in a while, before I decide just to *beep* right on that big *beep*'n chin of yours, and then use your *beep*'n cape for a *beep* rag! Now get the *beep* out of my *beep*'n face, *beep**beep*!"
USA TODAY was said to call the new direction a "charming, funny...look into [the life] of an iconic American family."
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Three tequila shooters, and a bottle of old 40.
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My sources tell me that CHUCK DIXON is currently unhappy with his role at upstart publisher CROSSGEN COMICS. Apparently Dixon is accustomed to writing a minimum of eighteen monthly titles, as well as additional material in the form of Annuals, Super-Specials, and Mini-series...not to mention at least one major cross-over per month. Unfortunately CrossGen doesn't publish enough titles to support this kind of output, and Dixon is feeling discontent with the amount of spare time on his hands. look for a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT from Dixon soon! (As it would seem that CrossGen has given Dixon the additional responsibility of writing "Major Announcements" to try and keep him busy).
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Three mint juleps, and a Harvey Wallbanger...chased with four ounces of Southern Comfort, straight from the bottle.
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A little Birdie mentioned that a future CAPTAIN AMERICA storyline is in the works, which continues the trend of dealing with the effects of a post 9/11 America. So far we've seen the good Captain deal with Terrorists, terrorism, and terrorocity, in all it's terroriciousness! Now STEVE ROGERS sets his sights on other aspects of the terror attacks, in a storyline dealing with fake telephone solicitors who are taking advantage of the American People by asking for donations for the families of 9/11, and then using their ill-gotten gains to buy dirty bombs, and back issues of 'Hustler.' Also look for future 'Ripped from the Headlines' real-world storylines that have Cap facing off against: An evil entrepreneur, who is selling off pieces of the World Trade Center for his own profit; Out-of-work former employees of the World Trade Center, gone wild; knife wielding teenage prostitutes, who walk the streets near the wreckage of the WTC...and THE RED SKULL! (which is now the name of a deadly new Anti-American Terrorist Association, and not to be confused with the goofy Super-Villain who has never made a real-world headline, and as such won't be appearing in the post 9/11 incarnation of the book! So quit asking for him, would'ja?)
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Two Shirley Temples, and a Virgin Bloody Mary.
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An overseas rumor has surfaced suggesting that comic-scribe turned Web-Forum Overlord WARREN ELLIS experienced an emotional breakdown after drinking way too many pints of Guinness, at a bar-like establishment known to the locals as a 'PUB'. The 'Mad-Brit' was heard to proclaim... "I Bloody well like my fans. It's just that those bastards only respond to me if I insult and degrade them! They're like a flock of bloody sheep, they are!" He then apparently added that... "Superheroes are bloody well Brilliant! I'm wearing Wonder Woman Underoos right this bloody instant!" Finally, he leaped on the table and broke into a reimagined rendition of the "Chimney Sweep" number from MARY POPPINS. Later, when the effects of the drink wore off, Ellis apparently denied all statements in a furious volley that included multiple usage of such foreign words as 'Arse,' 'Bullocks,' and 'Git.' ("Possibly obscenities," revealed one leading expert)
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Way too many pints of Guinness.
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The whispers in the wind suggest that DC has finally and reluctantly acknowledged that they may have made "a little boo-boo" in making ex-Green Lantern turned horrible villain, turned redeemed hero, HAL JORDAN the replacement SPECTRE in a vain attempt to "shut those H.E.A.T Morons the hell up!" They are now leaning towards making Hal Jordan the one and only Green Lantern again. However, KYLE RAYNER has proved so popular, that there is some talk of making him the new AQUAMAN. Further inquiry led to the revelation that the previous Aquaman would become the new WONDER WOMAN, with Diana then becoming the new BATMAN, who would soon take his place as the new MISTER MIRACLE. So where would that leave SCOTT FREE? Word has it he's at the top of the list of candidates up for the role of the new BLUE BEETLE, with TED CORD becoming the new ROBIN. Apparently TIM DRAKE is being groomed as the new GRANT MORRISON, with Grant becoming the new CHRIS CLAREMONT. Of course, this leaves Mr. Claremont as the odd man out. Perhaps he could become the new, new Spectre? Only time will tell. Also the whole 'Spirit of Redemption' thing has apparently been written off as a bad idea, and the powers-that-be have decided to go with an idea from eager SPECTRE fan, Graham Gerrie, who suggested... "This comic blows! Why not just call him the 'Spirit of Dumb-Ass', 'cause that's what he is!" When asked for a comment, Gerrie was heard to say, "They're using my idea? Awesome! So, uh...where do I pick up my No-Prize?"
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Six Hot Totties, two Zombies, and a Boiler Maker.
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Our Marvel spy indicates that the recent upcoming relaunch of DEADPOOL, CABLE and X-FORCE, as AGENT X, SOLDIER X, and X-STATIX respectively, are only the beginning of a much larger X plan that, oddly, also includes several non-mutant titles. For example, the AVENGERS will soon be relaunched as AVENGERS X-SSEMBLE, and the FANTASTIC FOUR will become THE FANTASTIX! In perhaps the strangest news of all, we hear that all SPIDER-MAN titles will be joined in one book, with the BLACK WIDOW becoming his new partner, under the title "THE X-ITING INSECTX" When it was pointed out that Spiders aren't technically insects, but rather arachnids, company President BILL JEMAS responded with..."Yeah, yeah...And people can't technically fly...and Wolverines technically don't have origins... They're just comics, Man. It's not like their real or anything!" Then he resumed paying off a seven-year-old to write the remaining five issues of MARVILLE for him. A title that may or may not be relaunched as X-VILLE, immediately following it's release.
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Seven airplane bottles of Rye Whiskey, and a pitcher of Margaritas
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Marvel has had some success with it's lone MAX ongoing title ALIAS, and some speculation seems to indicate that the popularity has less to do with Superstar writer BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS' contributions, and more to do with the fact that there's an uber-popular television show by the same name...Even though the two are not linked in any way, shape, or form. Certain sources tell us that DC is now considering trying the same strategy with a couple of their own books. It's looking possible that the new FIRESTORM series could be released under the moniker, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. If this strategy works, more changes could follow, with SUICIDE SQUAD becoming SIX FEET UNDER and the current FLASH series being relaunched as THE WEST WING!
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: Two fingers of Scotch, and a Vodka Martini...stirred!
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Wondering how RON ZIMMERMAN continues to get work, even though he's proved over and over that he doesn't deserve all the attention? Well the walls are talking, and they're saying some Damn interesting things. We hear that there may be a little blackmail going on...based on some Polaroid's that Zimmerman managed to snap, involving JOE QUESADA, a llama, the Sultan's Wife, and a tray of International cheeses. When approached about the blackmail claim, Quesada was said to turn beet red, and shout..."I don't even know the Sultan's Wife!" He then apparently ordered two large pizzas, and ate them off the chest of a leather clad FRANK TIERI.
THIS HAS A RUMOR BAR VALUE OF: A bottle of cheap Red Wine in a paper bag.
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Well, that's it for this week...but if there's three things that are constant in life, it's Death, Taxes, and new episodes of 'LAW AND ORDER.' And if four things are constant in life, we can add unsubstantiated rumors to the list. So worry not, true believer, because last call may have come and gone, but the RUMOR BAR will soon be open again for business. (Unless we lose out liquor license that is. Rumors don't pay the rent, ya know!) See ya next time!
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