By Ken Cuperus
AN ALARMING TREND
Hey Kids, welcome to the maiden voyage of the ALL-NEW "I GOT ISSUES!" (We're up to version three now, for anyone who's counting. And if you ARE counting, then please ... get a life, huh? Nobody likes a stalker. Expect maybe the stalker's mother, 'cause come on, man, that's what others are for!) Okay, where were we? Ah yes...the column ...
So, just before we tuck in, to what I like to call "the good stuff," first let me get the boring (and probably completely made up ... who are we kiddin' here, am I right?) introductions out of the way. First, my name is Ken (true) and I am a longtime comics reader (sadly, also true). This love of all things cartoony led me to pursue a career in animation writing (still true), and I am now a staff writer for a large animation studio in Toronto, Canada (Brrrrrr...t-t-true). I'm a spitting image of Tom Cruise (not true). Okay, so that wasn't too painful, was it? Now that we're all friends here, let's get started, shall we?
DIAMOND COMICS DISTRIBUTORS have just released their monthly TOP 300 COMICS listings for the month of May, reflecting the pre-sales figures for books with a July release date. After perusing this list I was SHOCKED, HORRIFIED and DISMAYED (also slightly disturbed, with just a hint of mortified) to see what is happening to some of the best damn books in the current market. Now this probably isn't common knowledge, so I'll lay it out for you in the simplest terms I can muster ... SOME OF THE FINEST BOOKS ON THE RACKS AREN'T SELLING ENOUGH COPIES! Yep, you heard me ... several books with top creators and exceptional word of mouth are still suffering from low sales. This is a sham of two mockeries of a travesty of a sham! How can this be happening, you ask? Well, there's no easy answer, but what I do know is that more people need to speak out, and do their part to rescue these comics from imminent obscurity! With that in mind, today's column examines the BEST BOOKS THAT DESERVE A WIDER AUDIENCE! Not the catchiest sub-heading in the world, but ... there ya go.
SPIDER-MAN: GET KRAVEN #2 -- (ranked at #50)
Are you kidding me? Number #50? Don't you realize that this book is written by the same RON ZIMMERMAN who writes for SEVENTH HEAVEN and VIP, and makes frequent appearances on the HOWARD STERN MORNING SHOW? Come on people, the man's a superstar! Who cares what's inside the comic ... just the fact that such a prominent D-list celebrity is taking time out of his busy day (largely spent hanging out with other superstars, like that dude from CHARLES IN CHARGE, or the drunk guy from Stern) to slap some funnybooks together for losers like us, who could only dream of a glimpse into the inner circle of Hollywood's lesser elites, should be more than enough reason to buy multiple copies. (Sorry 'bout the run-on sentence ... I'm just so passionate about this book.)
And if that's not incentive enough for ya, then how 'bout the fact that this particular tale is loosely (but not too loosely) based on an existing film (and novel), with Marvel characters sandwiched in for good measure? You liked GET SHORTY, didn't you? It was pretty cool, right? So ... there you go. Just imagine GET SHORTY, if it were written by the true master of Crime Fiction, RON ZIMMERMAN, and not that hack ELMORE LEONARD. Now imagine GET SHORTY with JOHN TRAVOLTA removed, and AL KRAVEN stepping into the spotlight! Who's Al Kraven, you ask? Hey, what's with the twenty questions? It doesn't matter who he is, because the book also features guest appearances by the 400-million-dollar wall-crawler himself, in, uh ... let's say, DANNY DEVITO's role. And also look for thousands of awesome celebrity references! Wow, Ron Zimmerman knows the names of TONS of celebrities ... and he's not afraid to use them! Zimmerman proves once again that great stories don't come from the heart ... they come from the pencil. Somebody else's pencil.
The only part of the book that suffers is the art, largely due to AL RIO's limited amount of Hollywood connections. Remember John, it's all about who you know. But can you really blame him? I mean, we can't all be Ron Zimmerman now, can we? So let's band together and do our part for Hollywood, by getting this book the attention it deserves. It's truly a masterpiece for the ages.
SPAWN #124 -- (ranked at #33)
Remember when this book consistently placed in the top five? Ah, those were the salad days, weren't they? Yep, the mid-nineties were a truly magical time for comics, and can never be duplicated. But at least a few things from that era have remained consistent ... like every issue of Spawn being almost identical to the last. There's definitely something to be said about consistency! (I just don't know what that something is.)
The beautiful thing about SPAWN, is that with every issue you can count on the wildly clever rogue's gallery of unique villains (Like that evil clown guy, or that scary demon thing ... or that other scary demon thing), not to mention the rich supporting cast of well-rounded characters (like Girl Spawn, Medieval Spawn, and MARTIN SHEEN). So here's what I don't understand ... Every issue of this comic reads exactly the same ... and the book used to be in the top five ... so why isn't it selling now? Hey, don't give me that "tastes change" crap either, 'cause I don't buy it. What I think is going on, is that everyone looks forward to this book sooo much, that nobody can wait to get it home. People are reading it right off the rack, and then not paying for the honor! Don't you see how damaging this is to the industry? Can you imagine a world without Spawn comics? What would TODD MCFARLANE do with those three minutes a month he dedicates to co-writing the book? My God, with that much free time on his hands, he'd soon run out of new famous people to base action figures on. He'd have to resort to making action figures based on random people on the street. Maybe even you and me! That's not a world that I want to live in!
X-TREME X-MEN #15 & 16 -- (ranked 16 & 17)
Are you blind, people? There's not one, but TWO Xs in that thar title! Do the math! This should be translating to TWICE as many sales as the other X-books! So what are we, the reader, doing wrong?
This book is so kewl that they had to develop a revolutionary new system of art to cope with its kewlness. Here's roughly how it works: First, the pencils are laid in with meticulous, yet radically gnarly care by SALVADOR LAROCCA. Next, the inker arrives just in time to take everybody's coffee orders. Then it's time for LIQUID (Who names their kid "Liquid" anyway?) to add the color right over the pencils, in an effort to add mystery to the series by making it nearly impossible to tell what's going on. (There's one character who I've narrowed down to either BEAST or GRIMACE from the old Ronald McDonald gang. Now, to finish the package, word balloons filled to the brim with flowery prose are carefully placed over any trace of existing art. CHRIS CLAREMONT'S written style tends to be half JANE AUSTEN, and half Airplane Instruction Manual...which equals all good! Now I just need to set aside fourteen months or so to read the whole thing.
And don't forget the characters themselves! CLAREMONT was smart enough to snag all the really awesome X-Men for his book, leaving fellow X-scribes GRANT MORRISON and JOE CASEY with the dregs. The X-treme Team's membership consists of Storm, Bishop, Gambit ... some guys on flying surfboards ... and, uh ... I think that might be Gambit's hand poking out from behind that word balloon ... Anyways, the point I'm making here is that a book this full of X-stuff can't be allowed to slum with the other books in the mid-teens. Cream always rises, so let's milk this baby for all it's worth, and knock it into the top five where it belongs!
WOLVERINE #179 -- (ranked at #14)
Now, see, this I don't understand. This is Wolverine we're talking about here ... not BLACK PANTHER or CAPTAIN MARVEL! This book should be firmly and permanently ensconced in the top five every month ... not left to rot in the embarrassing #14 slot. You know he's got wicked cool claws, right? Geez, what more can you ask for in a character? Not to mention the recently proposed "NEW DIRECTION" the title is about to undergo. Whoa ... don't panic; fan favorite scribe FRANK TIERI won't be going anywhere. This revamp is more about the character itself. That's right, in just a few short issues, Wolverine will be hanging up his costume for good. And with no more costume to bog Logan down, just imagine how many new and interesting stories will finally be able to be told. I only wish someone had thought of this earlier! Here's a sample of how this radical revamp will instantly turn this book into a monthly EVENT!
WOLVERINE - WITH COSTUME
Logan enters the alleyway, (in full costume) and grins ominously up at the villainous Slash-Master IronEye!
LOGAN: Been a while, Bub.
Logan lights up a stogie with one hand, while casually popping his adamantium-laced claws on the other. SNNNKKKTTT!
LOGAN: NOW who's the best they are at what they do? BUB!
Phew ... that's some solid super-heroics, but let's see how taking one seemingly tiny aspect out of the equation can make all the difference in the world!
WOLVERINE - SANS COSTUME
Logan enters the alleyway, (wearing simple jeans and a T) and grins ominously up at the villainous Slash-Master IronEye!
LOGAN: Been a while, Bub.
Logan lights up a stogie with one hand, while casually popping his adamantium-laced claws on the other. SNNNNNKKKTTT!
LOGAN: NOW who's the best they are at what they do? BUB!
Did you see it? There's two more "N"s in the word "SNNNKKKTTT!" And it's all because Wolverine is no longer trapped within the confines of his costume! I think we're all in for a big treat when this major character overhaul comes into effect ... so let's spread the word, and get some more people on board to share the excitement! It's only fair to the current creative team, who are clearly pulling out all the stops to get this book the recognition it deserves.
GEN 13 #0 -- (ranked #4)
"Hey, wasn't this book just cancelled?" you may ask. "Why, yes, it was," I may reply. But see, there was a fundamental problem with the direction the series had taken in recent issues. Writer ADAM WARREN was simply not giving the fans what they wanted, instead deciding to go in the direction of clever stories with strong characterization. Ha! What a fool. Maybe he doesn't like getting a paycheck? Anyways, that little problem has been taken care of, and with this hot new relaunch we'll get to see a brand-new group of superkids, all with the power to talk like an adult who is trying too hard to be cool. But who could possibly have the chops to deliver the goods on such a project? Well there's no stronger vision of the MTV generation than through the hip, youthful eyes of CHRIS CLAREMONT. (The kids still watch the MTV, don't they?)
Please, please, please, don't let this book get lost in the crowd. The top five is such a logjam, and something is bound to slip through the cracks without your support. You're only cheating yourself if you don't buy this one in bulk! I haven't read the book yet, but I'm hoping there's a character called SK8TEBOARD! ('Cause kids today like the skateboards, am I right?) Take note of the "8" in the word Skate. It doesn't get much cooler than that.
DK2 #3 -- (Not Yet Solicited)
The book may not be finished yet, but I see no reason why we shouldn't be expected to pay a monthly fee, just for the honor of knowing that it exists in some level of completion. This is FRANK MILLER we're talking about here! This guy owns the number-one spot ... everybody else is just renting it from him. Maybe you didn't realize that he was the man who wrote that treasure of the silver screen...ROBOCOP III? Nobody else had the guts to kill off Robocop's female partner...or give Robocop the gift of flight. That was ALL Frank! So if Frank Miller calls up and says, "Hey, I don't have a new book or anything ... but I want the number-one spot on the Diamond listings for the month of July," you don't ask questions; You just give it to him!
You begged for a sequel to Dark Knight, and a mere 10-15 years later, he leaped at the chance to ever-so-slowly release the sequel. (Hey, he's a genius ... you can't expect him to work every month.) And what's with all these complaints about the quality of the art? So what if you can't tell what's going on! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Nobody complained that Picasso's paintings were a little vague. Nobody told Jackson Pollack that his brushes were a tad on the sloppy side. And let's face it, neither of those bums can hold a candle to the Great and Powerful FRANK MILLER! So quite yer bitchin' about, "it looks rushed" this, and "the story moves slow" that! Just pay your ten bucks and be glad you're getting anything! Um ... ahem ... even when you're not getting anything.
TRANSFORMERS: GENERATION ONE #4 -- (ranked #2)
Remember that Transformers ongoing series from way back in the eighties? Remember how you didn't buy it then 'cause it was so lame, and eventually it got cancelled? Well fret no more, because it's back with a vengeance, chock full of retro-robot goodness. Watch as Giant Robot #1 folds himself up into a toaster! Thrill to the sight of Giant Robot #2 stomping on Giant Robot #1, before transforming into an origami swan ... Ah, ain't nostalgia grand? I'm kinda hoping they bring back the "Rubik's Cube" cartoon myself. That crazy mixed-up cube was always getting into some darn trouble or other. Heh.
My point is that something this wonderful, that dredges up so many sweet memories of our youth, shouldn't be allowed to go unnoticed in the #2 spot. Especially since they got rid of all that sloppy, outdated HUMAN-RENDERED art. The art is now done by the Transformers themselves, having adapted a computerized robotic version of the manga style. What CAN'T those wacky robots do? I think we all owe it to ourselves to rush out and pick up a copy, don't you? Hey, buy two ... one to own, and one to transform into a little paper sailing hat. That's what Optimus Prime would do if he were real, and not a giant cartoon robot! So why isn't this book in the number-one spot, anyway? What could possibly be better than this?
TRANSFORMERS: ARMADA #1 -- (ranked #1)
I guess that answers that question. Well, if we're gonna push FOR TRANSFORMERS: GENERATION ONE to move into the number-one slot, then we'll just need to move this title up as well. Why should it be languishing at #1 ... surely it deserves more! I mean, the book's subtitle is Armada. This suggests to me that there will be an entire army of robots that can turn into various household items. If that's not worthy of a few more notches up the rankings, than nothing is! Maybe it could be ranked #0? Or perhaps -1? Perhaps we simply need to restructure the entire number system to accommodate books that are wallowing in the number-one slot. Maybe we need a third Transformers series, in order to really get people talking about the other two? Hey, I'm just spitballin' here. All I know for sure is that this is an important giant robot story, and if I had my way, it would be mandatory reading for comic lovers, and non-comic-loving freaks alike. After all, Giant Robots bring people together! It's what they do best. They're funny that way.
So there you have it. A list of quality titles that are suffering a slow and painful death, thanks to the ever-changing face of the current market. I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting a little more stability for these highly touted underachievers, so we need to work together if we're going to make a difference! Let's start with baby steps. Why not put down that copy of AMELIA RULES or JACK STAFF (Dude, it's not even in COLOR!) and try something new and interesting for a change?
NEXT WEEK: Welcome to the RUMOR BAR! Pull up a stool, order yourself a drink, and listen in on a swirling mass of unsubstantiated rumors that were never meant for your ears, or mine!
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