Though not typically thought of as a “movie star,” Walken has an undeniable, powerful star persona. Just don’t try to define it. How in the world can you define Christopher Walken in any terms other than himself? “He’s so...well...he’s so...he’s Walken!” is about as far as you’ll get. Especially lately, since he spends most of his screen time in dreck, he exists in a place outside the narrative, the go to man in Hollywood for a little weirdness and some uncomfortable laughs. But if you’re looking to see Walken in a lead role where he fits, where he doesn’t seem to be imitating himself, and where his quirks actually fit his role, do yourself a favor and go rent THE DEAD ZONE, the Steven King adaptation by David Cronenberg. It’s a great little supernatural thriller and a fine Christopher Walken performance.

When he first see Walken, he looks almost normal. His hair is combed forward instead of his traditional finger-in-the-socket cut, he’s wearing glasses, and he’s reading Poe to students. As Johnny Smith, he has a nice relationship with a fellow school teacher, Sarah (the lovely Brooke Adams), and doesn’t even talk in that traditional Walken stammer. Unfortunately for Johnny, it isn’t two scenes into the movie before he gets into a massive head-on car crash, falls into a coma for five years, and awakens looking and sounding like the Christopher Walken we know and love. But it makes sense; if you were in a debilitating coma and suddenly got supernatural powers that sap your energy, you’d probably look and sound a little like Christopher Walken too.

Awakening from his coma, Johnny finds that physical contact with other humans gives him premonitions. Touching his nurse puts him inside her daughter’s bedroom as it burns up all around them. “Your house is burning!” he snarls, “There’s still time!” He’s proven right, and soon Johnny’s powers bring him to the attention of the press and later to the police, who want his help catching a serial killer in his area who preys on young girls. Even later, Johnny comes in contact with an aggressive candidate for Senator (played by current “West Wing” president Martin Sheen no less!) and gets a glimpse of a nuclear holocaust only he can prevent.

THE DEAD ZONE is an episodic movie, and its plot can at times feel unfocused. But the strength of the performances, particularly Walken as a haunted, tragic figure, holds the film together. With his dark coat, collar always turned up, cane in hand, and a strange, wide-legged limp he casts a quirky impression: at once delicately fragile yet defiantly strong. Through each struggle, Johnny perseveres, never resigning himself to any fate, particularly once he learns that not only does he have the power to see the future, he also has the power to change it. When a climactic political rally builds to an armed standoff featuring all the main characters, it becomes clear how carefully plotted and perfectly executed the film is.

I flipped to THE DEAD ZONE on cable and was frozen by it for 100 minutes. It has a very modern sensibility but it is not a conventional movie, where the search for the serial killer would have been the main focus of the plot and the climax would have been some kind of fist fight between Johnny and the killer. Here, the detective story is only the smaller part of a much larger story whose tendency to jump around makes its direction completely unpredictable and surprisingly satisfying. Most importantly, director David Cronenberg (and Steven King for that matter) knows that supernatural powers are worthless in a story if we don’t care about the person who has them. And even though he’s Christopher Walken, we definitely care about Johnny Smith in THE DEAD ZONE.

IF YOU LIKED THE DEAD ZONE, CHECK OUT: THE DEER HUNTER (1978), where Walken deservedly won an Oscar for his haunted portrayal of Nick, a Vietnam P.O.W. who is forced, in the films most terrifying scenes, to play Russian roulette with his best friend.

THE BAD

Walken’s current career is something of a freak show. For every CATCH ME IF YOU CAN on his resume there’s a COUNTRY BEARS (both released in ‘02). Lately, he seems obsessed with two types of parts: lead villain roles in cheesy movies (BEARS, THE RUNDOWN) or small parts in pieces of junk (KANGAROO JACK, GIGLI). If Spielberg is still interested in hiring him, what in the hell is this talented actor doing in movies like KANGAROO JACK and THE COUNTRY BEARS? Are there pictures floating around somewhere he needs to keep covered up? Is it an animal fetish we’re not aware of?

To Walken’s credit, if appearing in THE COUNTRY BEARS is akin to selling one’s soul, he’s not the only talented person cashing in. Actors Brad Garrett and Stephen Root supply Bear voices, and musicians as varied as Queen Latifah and Elton John make on screen appearances. Don Henley and Bonnie Rait even provide the singing voices for two of the Bears during a duet. Just as I was wondering “Was that Don Henley and Bonnie Rait?” the two show up on screen to note “how good” The Country Bears are. “They’re better than The Eagles.” Henley affirms. Christ, he must hate Glenn Frey more than we thought.

The most depressing name in the group is one most won’t recognize, director Peter Hastings, a writer and story editor on classic 90s cartoons “Animaniacs” and “Pinky & The Brain.” Those cartoons were manic, hilarious, and surprisingly mature, which makes the infantile boredom of THE COUNTRY BEARS all the more confusing. The version that exists bears no suggestion of any sort of cleverness or humor, certainly none that we’d associated with the sophisticated style of “Animaniacs.” Was a funny script greenlit and then hacked up? Did the studio take over the picture to ensure a G rating? Was the editor on mescaline? All I know is watching THE COUNTRY BEARS, I was convinced for the first time that movies do cause violence when, after the movie simply refused to end, I took to slamming my head in against the wall.

A SPINAL TAP with guys in bear costumes, THE COUNTRY BEARS is about a band of the same name composed of talking, singing, musician bears that breaks up and is brought back together a decade later by a young bear-boy named Beary Bearington, voiced with bloodcurdling cheerfulness by Haley Joel Osment. Beary does not feel like he belongs with his human family (and he shouldn’t; he’s a bear) so he leaves home in search of the only people that he thinks will understand him, The Country Bears.

How, one might ask, do bears learn to talk? Or to play complex string instruments with their gigantic, furry, clumsy digits? Why can these bears talk and sing while other farm animals remain hopelessly mute? How can a bear become a marriage counselor? Can bears even GET married? How does a bear get adopted by a human family? How is an adopted bear so stupid that he doesn’t realize he’s a bear? THE COUNTRY BEARS does not have the patience to answer these perplexing questions.

As for Walken, his performance is best summed up by a scene in which he cages the Bears, performs a song with - get this! - armpit farts, and screams “You ruined my life!” Something tells me THAT was one of those famous Walken ad libs.

INSTEAD OF THE COUNTRY BEARS, CHECK OUT: WAYNE’S WORLD 2 (1993), with Walken again in the role of the villain, as evil record exec Bobby Cahn. Who would you marry, Mike Myers or Christopher Walken? Tough call, right?

THE UGLY

There are few things funnier to me than unfettered Christopher Walken. He alone makes WILD SIDE worth watching. Despite his top billing, he doesn’t appear in much of the film, but what you get is pure unadulterated Walken at his craziest. One lengthy scene in which Walken’s Bruno Buckingham tries to rape his male driver is worth the rental price alone.

Before I wet myself with delight just remembering this astounding scene, let’s recap the rest of what there is of a plot. The main character is ostensibly Alex, played by fourth-billed Anne Heche, a lesbian on screen before she started playing a lesbian in real life and straight women on screen (then she got married and abducted by aliens and stuff). She works for a Southern California bank, that is illogically housed in a high rise, and at night to stave off boredom or any semblance of reality, she works as a high-price hooker named Johanna. Her second job introduces her to all sorts of interesting characters, like Walken’s Bruno, a long-haired, satin-bathrobe wearing loon. When they first meet, he pays her and announces “I have contempt for money.” “Yours or mine?” she asks him. He pauses, pours a drink, stares at her for ten seconds. He never answers the question.

Bruno is an embezzler, and his driver/bodyguard Tony (Steven Bauer) is instructed to test if Johanna is a real prostitute or an undercover cop by paying her to sleep with him. When she refuses, he rapes her, then politely informs her that HE is, in fact, an undercover cop, and that she is now working for him in some elaborately dumb sting operation where the cops give Bruno lots of money and hope they can catch him in the act of taking it. The final player in this insanity is Virginia (Joan Chen), Bruno’s ex-wife who acts as his liaison with Alex’s bank. Naturally, Alex and Virginia - who arrives at their meeting wearing a sports jacket without a shirt or bra - speak for about an hour and then begin a passionate lesbian affair.

What do you expect from an erotic thriller that would not be out of place on late night cable? Films like this are a dime a dozen except for WILD SIDE’s ace in the hole: WALKEN. Anytime he’s on screen, babbling about this or that, you can’t help but laugh. People joke that Walken gets by now doing an impression of himself, and that’s never been more true than in WILD SIDE.

Which brings us back to our main attraction, that stupendous confrontation between Bruno and Tony after Alex has revealed that Tony is, in fact, an undercover cop. In a scene that simply refuses to end, Bruno threatens to kill Tony, then decides to instead belittle him. So he makes Tony apply a prophylactic to his wiener. He dances around like he’s on speed. He asks “You know what you get for rape?” and answers his own question, “Ten years in a cell! With a gorilla! With a PSYCHO gorilla!” He rips off Tony’s underwear (“I bought these! These are MY Calvins!”), then starts smacking him on the behind while yelling, “You’re lucky cause you’re PEACHY!” If it doesn’t make any sense, then you can relax, you are still a normal human being. If the preceding paragraph does make sense, please, you are applying too much pressure when using Q-Tips.

If that scene isn’t ugly, then there’s no such thing as an ugly movie. I know it’s kinda iffy to recommend a movie based primarily on one scene, but trust me, this one scene more than makes up for some of the slower scenes (and really, the movie’s fun in a dumb way pretty much throughout, just not “You’re lucky cause you’re PEACHY!” fun). If you can find a copy of this movie, you’re very lucky. And not at all because you’re peachy.

IF YOU LIKED WILD SIDE, CHECK OUT: BASIC INSTINCT (1992), probably the best of this type of naked people in crime movie formula. No Walken though, but then, I’m happy not having seen Walken naked.