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GAME ON!
December 12, 2002
By Ian Bonds
Hello again, dear readers. Good to see that I didn’t alienate any of you with last week’s rant on the latest MK game. This week is a different sort of column than our standard fare. As the holidays approach, dozens of video game websites are posting their lists for “Must-Own” Games for the holiday season. Not to be out done, I too planned on posting a similar list, but realized, that if everyone’s doing it, why should mine be the same? So, in an effort to educate those gamers out there (and to help those buying gifts for gamers), I offer a different, though equally helpful, guide. Once again, bear in mind that these reviews are just One Gamer’s Opinion, this is just how I feel. I just have the luxury of being able to write this column here. Anyway, here now is my list of Games to Avoid So You Don’t Experience…
A CRAPTACULAR CHRISTMAS.
Here are the games, in no particular order of craptitude…
#1 – DR. MUTO for PS2, Xbox, and coming soon for Gamecube.
I’m going to start out by saying I am not fond of this game. The idea is interesting enough; mad scientist who is working on DNA-splicing blows up own planet and tries to rebuild it using his various mad scientist doo-dads. Well, sorry, but big whoop. Throughout the game, you are supposed to rebuild your homeland of Midway by using your Muto-ray, or whatever it’s called, to transform into various creatures (such as a rat or a gorilla) depending on the level to aid you in achieving your goal.
The graphics for this are decent enough, but the control is somewhat lacking due to the strange camera system. What is essentially a third-person shooter is hampered by the fact that the camera follows Dr. M from WAAAAAY up above him, causing unusual responses from the controls due to lack of being able to see where you’re moving the character, or what you’re shooting at. Also, and this just may be, but the game is boring. The levels don’t really offer up much in the way of diversity, they’re just the same thing…walk along, shoot stuff, mutate, get item, next stage, repeat. Ho hum. I just didn’t find the game enjoyable, and considering the game just dropped twenty bucks in price after only being out for a month shows me that neither has anybody else.
#2 – STAR FOX ADVENTURES for Gamecube.
Okay, I know this game made the “must-have” lists on a lot of sites, but honestly, have any of you out there actually played this? The game, which takes the characters from the original STAR FOX games of Super Nintendo and N64 and drops them onto a Dinosaur Planet with no remnants of the original type of gameplay, save for one or two Starship stages, suck ass. The controls are…well, just plain bizarre. They vary from level to level, from character to character, and have no semblance of order or fun. There’s no jump! It’s difficult to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to be doing in any given stage, and once you do, you’ve died 16 times before trying to get there. And, I’m sorry, but I don’t know anyone who likes this game. Not a one. I see the display units of Gamecubes in stores, and kids young and old trying to pick up the controller and have fun with it, but they get bored and confused by it in a matter of seconds and go do something else. The only saving grace on this game is the graphics are gorgeous, but what good is it to have sweet eye-candy when you can’t get the creatures on the screen to do anything except run around and die? They need to release a STAR FOX game similar to the originals, flying around and blowing shit up. I know they changed the formula for METROID, but the difference here is METROID is an amazing game with fantastic control and a compelling storyline and graphics, and this is a piece of shit.
#3 – MINORITY REPORT for Xbox, Gamecube and PS2
It’s a game, based loosely (very loosely) on the movie of the same name. The sirens should be going off already. Movie licensed games never are much good other than for target practice, and this one doesn’t break that cycle. You play as Tom Cruise’s character from the movie (though this time, with blonde hair and resembling NOTHING akin to Tom Cruise) throughout various stages in avoiding the Pre-Crime Division in DC for a crime you have yet to commit, just as in the movie. Sad thing is, it’s not nearly as exciting as the movie, and the controls just plain stink. Poor hit-detection, and the inability to perform any of Anderton’s moves when in a fight sequence brings this game back to the store in a demand for one’s money back. Save your coin and know in the future to never buy games based on a movie unless you REALLY love the movie and REALLY don’t mind lubing up your backside for a merchandising manhandle.
#4 - SIMPSONS SKATEBOARDING for PS2
I feel kinda bad putting this one on the list. I asked for this one for Christmas, and received it as an early present from a long-time friend of close to 20 years, who also happens to read this column (hi, Coby). Unfortunately, it’s my own fault for asking for it before playing it. What I was hoping for was more of the same from SIMPSONS ROAD RAGE, and instead got more of the same from SIMPSONS WRESTLING. In SRR you took a basic game license (in that case, CRAZY TAXI) and its controls, add Simpsons characters and voices, and hilarity and gaming fun ensue. This is not the case with SIMSPONS SKATEBOARDING. What could have been SIMPSONS meets TONY HAWK instead offers up a muddled, annoying, thumb-numbing exercise in not thrashing your controller to the ground in agony and disgust. The moves are so much of a chore to execute that fans of both the TONY HAWK series, as well as STREET FIGHTER will ask “what’s up with the wacky controller movements?” The moves are far too difficult to perform, with strange directional pushes in order to get them to do the trick. Also annoying is when going up the lip of a halfpipe, it’s inconsistent to how high your jump will be. Sometimes, you’ll clear it and perform a decent ollie, and others you’ll bail for no apparent reason. While I’m not one to condone copying of other games, they did it for SIMPSONS ROAD RAGE, and they should have at least taken SOME ideas from THPS for this one.
The graphics, which sort of look like when Homer entered the 3D world in that one TREEHOUSE OF HORRORS episode, don’t add much to this title. While the character models are ok enough, the background look awful, with bland scenery and blocky object strewn about randomly (the cars are the worst, and you can’t even trick off them!). Level goals are also pretty basic, and offer nothing new, and in fact offer even more annoyances, as the controls stink so much, it’s nearly impossible to complete even the simplest of goals. The only reasonable excuse for getting the game is to hear Ralph’s comments in a few of the stages. Even Kent Brockman’s commentary gets annoying (but thankfully, you can turn that off). I’m so disappointed in this game, and I feel bad because it was something I asked for and was really looking forward to.
#5 – MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN SWEET 16: LICENSE TO DRIVE for PS2 & Gamecube
Um. Okay, I probably shouldn’t even have to put this on the list, as it’s far too easy to make fun of, and should be fairly obvious as to why you should avoid it. Unless you’re a 12-year-old girl or Jeffery Jones, this game shouldn’t be anywhere near your system. Seriously, though, the press release for the game states that you can experience all the fun of Mary-Kate and Ashley getting their drivers licenses and “visiting the DMV”. I shit you not. How do you make that exciting? “Level Two – Waiting In Line”. And the graphics…yeah, I know this is supposed to be a game for kids, and I’m all for girls getting into gaming, but come the fuck on. It looks like Parappa The Rappa on acid. I think this game actually is one of the biblical signs of Armageddon. I’m serious. In three years, these girls will own you. Though, there’s something fairly amusing to me about our site being renamed MaryKateandAshleyPoopShoot.com. Wait, I think there already IS a site called that. Get away from there, Jeffery Jones…
#6 – GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY for PS2
No, just kidding. Wanted to see if you were still paying attention.>p>
And that brings us to the end of our column this week. A harsh one in some areas, I know. I’m starting to think that I’ve been reading AK’s TITLE BOUT here at the site a bit too much. Oh well. My condolences to Mr. Jeffery Jones, a great character actor who I’ve enjoyed in the movies who became an unwitting target in today’s column. No offense, Jeff, it’s all in good fun. Tune in next week kids, to see if Principal Rooney tries to make me repeat the 12th grade…
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