enzeru
09-17-2010, 04:51 PM
My 'editor' has already had his hands on this and I've edited it several times myself grammar and spelling should be as I want it. I'm curious what you guys think of it style and entertainment wise. If it's good enough it's going to end up on some website somewhere (I hope) that likes to publish original stories.
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It was a clear night as the University students were leaving a campus showing of a well-reviewed movie. The laughs rang out across the grounds, giving the impression that it was a comedy, or at least really good.
The young adults made their way across the largest clearing of the grounds, their spirits high and their hearts light, playful antics abound. One group in particular was calm and collected, quietly chatting amongst themselves in a foreign language. Their*dark hair*and almond eyes placed them firmly of Asian descent. Without careful observation, the typical person might not know they were Japanese.
Two*young women*lurked at the back of the group and walked a bit more slowly. Their manor was a bit more objective than the others. One of the women spoke over the rest.
“This is not what film club is about. It is about being able to critique movies so that we can know why we like or dislike them. Was the acting on task? Did the directing suck? How about the writing?” The young woman sighed and shook her head. Her peers were hopeless.
“I thought the writing could have used more work,” one of the guys in front spoke up.
“You would, being an English major,” another one replied, rolling his eyes.
“I agree, the writing did need a bit of work but the acting was what made the movie. The directing I am impartial to,” the other young woman in the back of the group spoke up as the two men glared at each other.
The conflict was set aside as they reached the first dorm building, where all the men in the group stayed.
As the girls and boys parted ways, the girl who settled the conflict felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She quickly turned behind her and looked into the darkness as if to expect someone standing there.
“What’s wrong Akiko? You are very jumpy tonight,” said the other girl at the back of the group, concerned for her friend.
“I don’t know, I thought someone was behind me,” Akiko laughed and rubbed the back of her neck, wishing the goose bumps would go away.
“Is that why you walk in the back of the group?” One of the other girls laughed.
“No, I just walk slowly,” Akiko answered, shrugging it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.
The girls left the boys dorm and made their way to the first of their stops, the co-ed dorm. All the girls left the group here save for one, Akiko. She lived in the girl’s dorm across campus.
She walked through the dark alone, her path only lit by the faint glow of the street lamps. She suddenly had the feeling that someone was behind her again. She turned to look, half expecting to see nothing. It was silly to think anyone else was still outdoors, she thought.
But there was someone there this time, a crouched figure in tattered robes. Akiko began to slowly back away, unsure who or even what this thing before her was. As she moved away, it started towards her. The young woman turned and ran for her dorm.
A howl was heard and she rolled her eyes,*Great, now I’m in imagining things (sug?), she thought as the wraith like figure of a tattered hunchback chased her along the sidewalk. Lamps sounded like they were exploding as she passed. Each light obviously was being snuffed out by some unseen force.
Akiko stumbled and fell hard on the concrete; the now seemingly real hunchback loomed over her.
“Get away from me!” She yelled and kicked at the figure.
The figure threw a pendent at her. “Take this and go, I will hold them off,” the voice rasped and turned his back to her and stretched out his arms as if shielding her from something.
Confused, Akiko got to her feet and kept running until she reached her dorm. She fumbled with her keys a moment before opening the door and slamming it behind her.*What was that all about?
She looked down at her hand in disbelief; it was grasping the pendent by the chain. It was silver, with a dragon’s claw holding a blue and green orb. She put the jewel in her pocket, slowly made her way to one of the common room chairs and studied the pendent closely. It was very pretty for a something given to her by a strange man in chase. The gleam of the blue green jewel was captivating, the silver resembled something found in an antique shop.
Whatever happened back there was probably just her over-active imagination. One of the boys probably slipped this into her hand during the movie; whatever was chasing her probably a tree shadow, what she heard probably a dog or some boys being silly.
Akiko yawned and looked at her watch. It was late, and though it was Friday, she needed her rest. She trudged up the stairs to her room on the second floor. Soundlessly she opened the lock, forgetting she was in a private room and there was no one to wake up. After fighting into her pajamas and now fully aware of the fatigue of the day, she climbed into bed and fell asleep.
__________________________________________________ ____
It was a clear night as the University students were leaving a campus showing of a well-reviewed movie. The laughs rang out across the grounds, giving the impression that it was a comedy, or at least really good.
The young adults made their way across the largest clearing of the grounds, their spirits high and their hearts light, playful antics abound. One group in particular was calm and collected, quietly chatting amongst themselves in a foreign language. Their*dark hair*and almond eyes placed them firmly of Asian descent. Without careful observation, the typical person might not know they were Japanese.
Two*young women*lurked at the back of the group and walked a bit more slowly. Their manor was a bit more objective than the others. One of the women spoke over the rest.
“This is not what film club is about. It is about being able to critique movies so that we can know why we like or dislike them. Was the acting on task? Did the directing suck? How about the writing?” The young woman sighed and shook her head. Her peers were hopeless.
“I thought the writing could have used more work,” one of the guys in front spoke up.
“You would, being an English major,” another one replied, rolling his eyes.
“I agree, the writing did need a bit of work but the acting was what made the movie. The directing I am impartial to,” the other young woman in the back of the group spoke up as the two men glared at each other.
The conflict was set aside as they reached the first dorm building, where all the men in the group stayed.
As the girls and boys parted ways, the girl who settled the conflict felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She quickly turned behind her and looked into the darkness as if to expect someone standing there.
“What’s wrong Akiko? You are very jumpy tonight,” said the other girl at the back of the group, concerned for her friend.
“I don’t know, I thought someone was behind me,” Akiko laughed and rubbed the back of her neck, wishing the goose bumps would go away.
“Is that why you walk in the back of the group?” One of the other girls laughed.
“No, I just walk slowly,” Akiko answered, shrugging it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.
The girls left the boys dorm and made their way to the first of their stops, the co-ed dorm. All the girls left the group here save for one, Akiko. She lived in the girl’s dorm across campus.
She walked through the dark alone, her path only lit by the faint glow of the street lamps. She suddenly had the feeling that someone was behind her again. She turned to look, half expecting to see nothing. It was silly to think anyone else was still outdoors, she thought.
But there was someone there this time, a crouched figure in tattered robes. Akiko began to slowly back away, unsure who or even what this thing before her was. As she moved away, it started towards her. The young woman turned and ran for her dorm.
A howl was heard and she rolled her eyes,*Great, now I’m in imagining things (sug?), she thought as the wraith like figure of a tattered hunchback chased her along the sidewalk. Lamps sounded like they were exploding as she passed. Each light obviously was being snuffed out by some unseen force.
Akiko stumbled and fell hard on the concrete; the now seemingly real hunchback loomed over her.
“Get away from me!” She yelled and kicked at the figure.
The figure threw a pendent at her. “Take this and go, I will hold them off,” the voice rasped and turned his back to her and stretched out his arms as if shielding her from something.
Confused, Akiko got to her feet and kept running until she reached her dorm. She fumbled with her keys a moment before opening the door and slamming it behind her.*What was that all about?
She looked down at her hand in disbelief; it was grasping the pendent by the chain. It was silver, with a dragon’s claw holding a blue and green orb. She put the jewel in her pocket, slowly made her way to one of the common room chairs and studied the pendent closely. It was very pretty for a something given to her by a strange man in chase. The gleam of the blue green jewel was captivating, the silver resembled something found in an antique shop.
Whatever happened back there was probably just her over-active imagination. One of the boys probably slipped this into her hand during the movie; whatever was chasing her probably a tree shadow, what she heard probably a dog or some boys being silly.
Akiko yawned and looked at her watch. It was late, and though it was Friday, she needed her rest. She trudged up the stairs to her room on the second floor. Soundlessly she opened the lock, forgetting she was in a private room and there was no one to wake up. After fighting into her pajamas and now fully aware of the fatigue of the day, she climbed into bed and fell asleep.