BallsMonkey's Safety Tips [Archive]

BallsMonkey

06-29-2009, 01:15 PM

Hey'a kids. Welcome to BallsMonkey's Saftey Tips. These helpful hints will help to keep your asses alive long enough for you die when inevitable zombie apocolypse comes.

So here we go...

Tip 1: Fruit Roll Ups are NOT a proper substitute for condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

Well kids, time for me to head on out and protect more people with my incredibly accurate advice, but I'll be back tommorow, in the meantime, this is Balls saying.....bye.

phit_demon

06-29-2009, 01:26 PM

Tip 1: Fruit Roll Ups are NOT a proper substitute for condoms.

The reverse is also true.

TheHangingBrain

06-29-2009, 01:44 PM

The reverse is also true.

Just because a condom smells like fruit doesn't mean it tastes that way... or so I hear.

06-29-2009, 01:48 PM

If it smells like fruit after use, you need to ask your girl what the hell she's been doing when you're not around.

And you need to stop sniffing things like that.

phit_demon

06-29-2009, 01:50 PM

If it smells like fruit after use, you need to ask your girl what the hell she's been doing when you're not around.

And you need to stop sniffing things like that.

Stop posting excerpts from your blog.

06-29-2009, 01:51 PM

My blog has nothing to do with sniffing used condoms!

beckpoppins

06-29-2009, 01:51 PM

eep!

*shudders at thought of sugar + lady parts.... ouch*

phit_demon

06-29-2009, 01:52 PM

My blog has nothing to do with sniffing used condoms!

Yet. ;)

06-29-2009, 01:53 PM

If I had more sex maybe...

phit_demon

06-29-2009, 01:54 PM

If I had more sex maybe...

Or more flavoured jimmy hats. :D

06-29-2009, 01:54 PM

I stick with what I know works ;)

BallsMonkey

07-01-2009, 02:01 AM

Jason Shiffy

07-01-2009, 02:45 AM

Did you get a vasectomy yet? xD

07-01-2009, 08:49 AM

Hey'a kids. Sit your little narrow asses down and take in another safety tip

Tip 2: Don't stick a fork in the toaster to get something unstuck. Stop being lazy and use your fingers.

Until we meet again, this is BallsMonkey saying.......penis.

So we should use our penis to get that bagel out of the toaster? I've stuck it in some strange place- I was a sailor, after all, but a toaster? If I'm gonna sex up a machine, I'd rather it be a different kind of hot...

http://memetrics.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/summer-glau.jpg

TomHarrington

07-01-2009, 10:44 AM

If I'm gonna sex up a machine, I'd rather it be a different kind of hot...

Right?

http://www.scifi.com/battlestar/images/gallery/women/01.jpg

07-01-2009, 11:16 AM

Absolutely.

TheHangingBrain

07-01-2009, 12:42 PM

If I'm gonna sex up a machine...

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mUcujWSf3Q4/Sc5WlH0bB_I/AAAAAAAABTI/FTkjgj3OUR4/s400/PIIMS.JPG

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

Scott: "I'm not doing that again. That burned."

Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

BallsMonkey

07-01-2009, 04:59 PM

Is it Saftey Time? I guess it is. Somebody better tell me this stuff.

Tip 3: Always wear your seatbelt.......if your a big wussy. Wussy. NYAH NYAH!

Well, time to go. This is BallsMonkey saying...Saftey tips; Numbah 1 in dah Hood G!

DarthMaulRat

07-02-2009, 09:40 AM

if your a big wussy.

If my "a big wussy" what? Oh, you mean if you're a big wussy.

BUSTED BY THE GRAMMAR POLICE!!! ;)

07-02-2009, 10:41 AM

This one, I can't joke about because I would be dead right now if it weren't for a seatbelt. Hit a parked, 5 ton delivery truck at 55mph. The witnesses were convinced I was dead until I got out of the car and walked across the street to use the phone.

I don't think there should be laws mandating seat belt use, but I think if your car has them, put them on.

BallsMonkey

07-02-2009, 11:19 AM

Ahoy Squirts. Here's another Safety Tip!

Tip 4: Stop, Drop, and Roll is bullsh--. If you're on fire, the best way to put yourself is...prayer.

Well that's all for now. This is BallsMonkey saying, OISHI DESU YO!!!!!

phit_demon

07-02-2009, 01:05 PM

If I'm gonna sex up a machine, I'd rather it be a different kind of hot...

http://memetrics.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/summer-glau.jpg

Right?

http://www.scifi.com/battlestar/images/gallery/women/01.jpg

Absolutely.

Let's not forget:

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3/phitdemon/kristanna-loken-0002.jpg

I could have sworn I posted this yesterday. :confused:

DarthMaulRat

07-02-2009, 01:20 PM

Don't forget:
http://daedalushowell.com/images/c3p0-luke.JPG

Honestly, did you ever stop to consider what a robot programmed for "human-cyborg relations" is really good at? ;)

BallsMonkey

07-03-2009, 01:40 PM

Hey'a Kids. Lemme tell you something brothers, the Safety Tips are runnin wild!

Tip 5: If you're a black, gay, liberal, agnostic, vegetarian in Texas. Don't leave your home.

Well, that's all for today. this is BallsMonkey saying FUCKING PAY ME!!!!!!

BOP TILL U DROP

07-03-2009, 11:28 PM

beckpoppins

07-03-2009, 11:31 PM

Cheney

07-03-2009, 11:48 PM

move to Cleveland, they love our kind here....

hehehe hairless nuts :D

our teams may suck but we're not nucking futs

BOP TILL U DROP

07-03-2009, 11:52 PM

hehehe hairless nuts :D
....

Thanks for the visual...

LucVas

07-04-2009, 08:33 PM

beckpoppins

07-04-2009, 08:35 PM

hehehe hairless nuts :D

our teams may suck but we're not nucking futs

hey as a queer commie heathen i hardly even register that we have teams...

BallsMonkey

07-05-2009, 12:13 AM

Heya Kids. I'm back from jail with more of the same safety tips that put me in there.

Tip 6: The best way to ear quick respect on your first day in prison is to find the biggest guy there and stab him. The same rule also applies to school and work.

Well kids, I hear the police sirens, so it's time for me to book. Till next time this is BallsMonkey saying, trust me, I'm a doctor.

07-05-2009, 12:27 AM

...

Tip 6: The best way to ear quick respect on your first day in prison is to find the biggest guy there and stab him...

Applies especially if you're a new CO at the Walls Unit in Huntsville TX... find the biggest inmate and slam his ass into the wall and don't stop until he's unconscious...

BOP TILL U DROP

07-05-2009, 01:21 AM

beckpoppins

07-05-2009, 01:38 AM

Tip 6: The best way to ear quick respect on your first day in prison is to find the biggest guy there and stab him. The same rule also applies to school and work.

that's how i made it though girl scouts.

BallsMonkey

07-05-2009, 04:52 PM

Hey'a kids, ready for another safety tip? Well too bad, you're getting one anyway.

Tip 7: Do not, under any circumstances, ever talk about Fight Club. you don't want to know the ramifications for that action.

Well, time for me to head out, this is BallsMonkey saying, good fight, good night.

Cheney

07-06-2009, 01:40 AM

Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

BallsMonkey

07-06-2009, 02:36 PM

Hey's kids, another Safety Tip COMMIN' AT'CHA!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!

Tip 8: Never trust The Man. Not even if you are The Man.

This is BallsMonkey, sayin it loud.

BOP TILL U DROP

07-06-2009, 03:01 PM

Hey's kids, another Safety Tip COMMIN' AT'CHA!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!

Tip 8: Never trust The Man. Not even if you are The Man.

This is BallsMonkey, sayin it loud.
I give you the Three-fold Amen on that one, sir.

07-06-2009, 03:36 PM

I'm lily white, but you know how many times I've been pulled over for DWB? :mad:

Too many frackin' times.

Like when I "blew through" a stop sign? (point-5 mph creep does NOT constitute "blowing" a stop sign)
Or when my license plate bulb was burned out? (That doesn't give a cop RAS to search a damn vehicle)
Or when I "dissed" a cop by "running a red light" with him right next to me? (The truck DIED at the light when it turned green and I had to restart it)
Or when I was pulled over for doing 57 in a 55? (Don't even get me started on that one...)

Thanks. Now my BP is up...

beckpoppins

07-06-2009, 04:24 PM

Hey's kids, another Safety Tip COMMIN' AT'CHA!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!

Tip 8: Never trust The Man. Not even if you are The Man.

This is BallsMonkey, sayin it loud.

http://www.smith.edu/libraries/libs/ssc/agents/images/steinemandhughes.gif

Canadian Ryan

07-06-2009, 09:52 PM

Tip 4: Stop, Drop, and Roll is bullsh--. If you're on fire, the best way to put yourself is...prayer.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2547/3696591314_f783aa50e2.jpg?v=0

BallsMonkey

07-07-2009, 07:07 PM

I am the terror that flaps in the night.....I am the creepy stranger outside your bedroom window....I...AM....BAAAAAAAAALLS MONKEY....and here's a safety tip.

Tip 9: When handling sharp objects, don't play around and start twirling them around, unless chicks are watching. That really gets them hot.

Well, till next time, this is BallsMonkey saying, kiss my grits!

Omaru

07-07-2009, 07:22 PM

Tip 9: When handling sharp objects, don't play around and start twirling them around, unless chicks are watching. That really gets them hot.

So that's where I've been going wrong
http://www.metapedia.com/wiki/images/Spoon.jpg

BOP TILL U DROP

07-08-2009, 12:00 AM

Tip 9: When handling sharp objects, don't play around and start twirling them around, unless chicks are watching. That really gets them hot.

...

Don't tell them that!! Now they'll never stop twirling.

BallsMonkey

07-09-2009, 05:02 PM

Can you feel it? It's another Safety Tip. It's coming. And my God have mercy on us all.

Tip 10: Do not taunt ravenous dogs by dangling a raw chicken from your crotch. Steak works much better.

Till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying, LOOK OUT!!!!!

07-09-2009, 06:37 PM

Bacon!!!

BOP TILL U DROP

07-09-2009, 06:43 PM

But, I only have turkey burgers...=-[

BallsMonkey

07-11-2009, 01:08 AM

TheHangingBrain

07-11-2009, 01:12 AM

Is it time for another Safety Tip? God dammit.

Tip 11: Never steal one of Ken Plumes Chocodiles. You do not want to know the ramifications for that action.

Well kids, till next time, this is BallsMonkey saying, don't believe in magic...it's the devil.

If you ask him first he would probably give you one. There may be a sigh involved, but I'm sure his inner snack cake saint would emerge.

dtcb

07-16-2009, 04:59 AM

i'm starting to like these......

Cheney

07-21-2009, 03:37 PM

And because you like them, they are gone.

BallsMonkey

07-21-2009, 03:56 PM

The Saftey Tips Will Never Die!!!

Tip 12: Don't mess around with venomous snakes.....unless you want cool snake powers. Cause seriously, if you get bit by one, you'll get 'em. Really. It happened to a friend of mine. He's dead now, but that's not important.

Well, till next time, this is BallsMonkey saying........TALLY HO!

Cheney

07-21-2009, 04:09 PM

thank you :D ;)

BallsMonkey

07-22-2009, 03:02 PM

IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLL....WHAT THE SAFTEY TIPS...ARE COOKIN'

Tip 13: Don't eat babies. They're bad for your heart.

Well, till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying, I'm in your house......

Antonio_Bay

07-22-2009, 03:52 PM

Are all these tips going to be collected up and published into one of those little humorous books people keep on a shelf in their downstairs toilet?

BallsMonkey

07-22-2009, 05:15 PM

Are all these tips going to be collected up and published into one of those little humorous books people keep on a shelf in their downstairs toilet?

I was planning on it, too lazy right now.

If someone wants to do it, go ahead.

Sharp-O

07-22-2009, 05:30 PM

Tip 11: Never steal one of Ken Plumes Chocodiles.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/176/479882123_1a774bf6ba.jpg?v=0

Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies, Ken.....

BallsMonkey

07-23-2009, 02:35 PM

Hola! El Safety Tip es Bueno! Ricky Martin!

Tip 15: Don't trust Cuclean with your money, appliances, or life. He's a sneaky sumbitch.

Well, that's all for today. And coming soon, BallsMonkey's Safety Tip: The Live Tour. With performances by Bon Jovi....'s brother, and 2 Live Crew.

By-tor

07-23-2009, 02:39 PM

i'm starting to like these......
http://www.pobladores.com/data/pobladores.com/ca/ya/cayako/channels/wwen_castellano/images/2836039funaki_l.jpg
Giggling, I am.

Firestone2489

07-24-2009, 02:04 AM

What happened to tip 14?

BallsMonkey

07-24-2009, 02:54 AM

What happened to tip 14?

Tip 14 is in your mind!!!

Sharp-O

07-24-2009, 08:24 AM

What happened to tip 14?

In the Tip jar, where else? :p

BallsMonkey

07-25-2009, 12:19 AM

Great Krypton/Gotham/Hera/Neptune, It's a Safety Tip!

Tip 16: If you're going to Comic Con, first off I hate you, and second, make sure you heed by the following rules...

1) Don't breathe through your nose.
2) Avoid Twilight fans
3) If your friend or child falls behind, let them go, they're already dead

Well, hope you survive the experience, till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying, Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side ;)

donkey

07-25-2009, 09:35 AM

Did you see the youtube clip of the twilight teaser, with everyone screaming rabidly?

My wife ws laughing for 20 minutes about that, and she is a twilight fan.

07-25-2009, 09:37 AM

If a dude sparkles in sunlight? He's GAY. Sorry if that offends anyone, but really... gay.

donkey

07-25-2009, 10:16 AM

what is that about? wrong thread?

07-25-2009, 10:21 AM

Apparently, the vampires in Twilight twinkle in the sun instead of bursting into flames... so no, I was on topic.

Firestone2489

07-25-2009, 11:28 AM

Yeah I thought that was really lame. What the fuck kind of sissy vampire sparkles in the god damn sunlight instead of bursting into flame like any self-respecting bad ass vampire should?

Sharp-O

07-25-2009, 11:42 AM

Apparently, the vampires in Twilight twinkle in the sun instead of bursting into flames... so no, I was on topic.

That's nothing compared to the pedo werewolf. :eek:

07-25-2009, 11:56 AM

I saw the trailer for that when I went to see Transformers 2... I nearly filled my popcorn bucket with puke.

Erasmus Cunk

07-25-2009, 12:31 PM

http://i466.photobucket.com/albums/rr23/dugrar/3GUnR.jpg

Cheney

07-25-2009, 01:26 PM

Least you didn't see the freaking midnight premiere. Being covered in spiders would have been much better. I'm horribly horribly afraid of spiders.

Sharp-O

07-25-2009, 03:11 PM

http://i466.photobucket.com/albums/rr23/dugrar/3GUnR.jpg

That would have been my fave movie last year if Blade was in it.

"You wanna see the skin of a real killer, kid?" *snarls*

:D

donkey

07-25-2009, 07:42 PM

Apparently, the vampires in Twilight twinkle in the sun instead of bursting into flames... so no, I was on topic.

oh. sorry. never even seen a trailer for it.

BallsMonkey

07-25-2009, 11:06 PM

Who You Gonna Call? BALLSMONKEY! Saftey Tips make me feel good!

Tip 17: If it comes through your door, unless you just want some more, I think you better call.....Widgett Walls of needcoffee.com

Well, that's all for today kids. This is BallsMonkey saying, DONT GET CAUGHT ALONE OH NO!!!

BallsMonkey

07-27-2009, 06:20 PM

Here's another Safety Tip you unwashed hooligans.

Tip 18: Never attempt to fly by tying a hammer to your wrist, swinging it really fast, then letting go...unless Stan Lee says it's okay.

Well, until next time, this is BallsMonkey saying....EXCELSIOR!!!

BallsMonkey

07-27-2009, 06:32 PM

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Howdy Quickstopateers!

Have you ever dreamed of writing your own Safety Tip? No? Then fuck you. But to those who have, now's your chance in the.........

BALLSMONKEY'S WRITE YOUR OWN BALLSMONKEY'S SAFETY TIP COMPETITON 2009 SPONSORED BY BALLSMONKEY

Just PM me your own Safety Tips by the end of the week, and the winner, picked by me, will have they're tip featured in an upcoming post and I will personally make out with them....if they're a chick......or a dude, I'm not picky.

Remember, the deadline is Saturday August 1st @ Midnight. I wont look at any one after that. Keep 'em short and sweet and only ONE tip per person.

And remember, make them funny, or I'll eat your baby

Good luck, and remember....Santa Claus can't help you in the coming Zombie Apocalypse.

http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/BallsMonkey/DSCN0259.jpg

BOP TILL U DROP

07-27-2009, 10:04 PM

I don't know how I survived this past week without the safety of these tips...

phit_demon

07-28-2009, 08:35 PM

If a dude sparkles in sunlight? He's GAY. Sorry if that offends anyone, but really... gay.

THANK you!

And wizards don't use wands, faggy magicians do.

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3/phitdemon/harry-potter-with-wand.jpg

07-28-2009, 08:57 PM

And wizards don't use wands, faggy magicians do.

http://www.411mania.com/siteimages/funaki_1754.jpg

blank_avatar

07-29-2009, 07:03 AM

And wizards don't use wands

Right...because proper wizards prefer huge staffs.

phit_demon

07-29-2009, 07:33 AM

Right...because proper wizards prefer huge staffs.

It's simple really.

Wizard:

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3/phitdemon/gandalf_howe.jpg

Faggy magician:

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3/phitdemon/normal_bbb19933e8.jpg

BallsMonkey

07-29-2009, 03:21 PM

Okay, when did this turn into the magicians vs wizards debate?

BallsMonkey

07-29-2009, 04:09 PM

In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night, No Evil Shall Escape my Sight, Let Those who Worship Evil's Might, Beware my Power, BALLSMONKEY'S MIGHT! Here's a safety tip.

Tip 19: When crossing the street, ake sure you get down on your knees and offer a sacrifice of a raw chicken or small child to the Gulrog the God of Traffic Safety, that way, he'll protect you from oncoming traffic.

Well, that's all for now kids, this is BallsMonkey saying, change your god damn underwear.

blank_avatar

07-29-2009, 05:08 PM

Right...because proper wizards prefer huge staffs.

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3/phitdemon/normal_bbb19933e8.jpg

Well...:rolleyes:

BallsMonkey

07-30-2009, 06:30 PM

You ready? Nah, you aint ready. You aint ready for a Safety Tip.

Tip 20: Believe it or not, you can't walk on air. It doesn't feel free. You need more than a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's not you.

Till next time kids, this is BallMonkey saying, Antonio Bay is a Photoshop God.

Alexsad

07-30-2009, 06:51 PM

Tip 20: Believe it or not, you can't walk on air.

Criss Angel did it!:o

BallsMonkey

07-30-2009, 07:29 PM

Criss Angel did it!:o

Because Chris Angel is a witch that steals children in the night.

BOP TILL U DROP

07-30-2009, 11:45 PM

Oh my gosh.... oh no you di'ent!

BallsMonkey

08-03-2009, 11:06 PM

Tomorrow, a brand new Safety Tip and the winner of the BALLSMONKEY PRESENTS WRITE YOUR OWN BALLSMONKEY SAFETY TIP SPONSORED BY BALLSMONKEY will be revealed.

BallsMonkey

08-04-2009, 06:41 PM

Hooooooooowdy Ho! Safety Time!

Tip 21: Inflammable obviously means it's impossible to catch on fire. Hence the "In" part. Duuuurh!

Well, till next time, this is BallsMonkey saying, don't fear the reaper, he's got candy.

BallsMonkey

08-04-2009, 06:52 PM

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for....the winner of the...

BALLSMONKEY'S WRITE YOUR OWN BALLSMONKEY'S SAFETY TIP COMPETITON 2009 SPONSORED BY BALLSMONKEY......

will be revealed......right after this commercial break............

Oh wait, there are no commercials on message boards. Okay then, the winner is......

BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!!

*applause*

Yes folks, By-tor is the winner, his tip will be featured as the coveted Tip 25. In addition he also wins...

Rice-a-Roni: The San Fransico treat
http://blog.al.com/finaltaxi/2007/10/medium_rice-a-roni.JPG

A $5 Gift Certificate to baby Gap
http://www.belmarcolorado.com/images/stores/logo_babygapweb.jpg

And a lovely 1995 Nissan Sentra
http://www.atozautolights.com/images/AutoPhotos/NISE9597.jpg

The runners-up receive.....Swine-Flu!

Well, that's al for now. Thanks to all 4 of you for entering the....

BALLSMONKEY'S WRITE YOUR OWN BALLSMONKEY'S SAFETY TIP COMPETITON 2009 SPONSORED BY BALLSMONKEY......

See ya 2010!

By-tor

08-04-2009, 06:57 PM

Huzzah!!!!

08-04-2009, 06:58 PM

Winner winner chicken (rice) dinner! :D

By-tor

08-04-2009, 07:00 PM

Winner winner chicken (rice) dinner! :DAnd, a '95 Nissan Sentra. I can sleep in that bitch at DragonCon. I love it when a plan comes together. :D

Cuclean

08-04-2009, 07:58 PM

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for....the winner of the...

Thank you. That was quite entertaining. :)

Huzzah!!!!

Congrats...... I guess. :rolleyes:;)

BallsMonkey

08-05-2009, 07:50 PM

Fighting for Safety, wherever there's trouble BALLSMONKEY IS THERE!

Tip 22: You should not agitate Ray Park when he's coiled in the murder position. I'm dead fucking serious.

Well, till next time, this is BallsMonkey saying, now you know, and knowing is half the battle...BALLSMONKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!

JasterIsFett

08-06-2009, 03:24 AM

BallsMonkey

08-13-2009, 06:44 PM

Come on, let me hear you say it, just once.

You're insane.

No, no, not that. The other thing. Come on, I know it's on the tip of your tongue.

Here's BallsMonkey with another Safety...

WRONG!

Tip 23: Never run out and play in traffic....without making sure your shoes are tied. That could be dangerous.

Well, till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying...YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE YOU BASTARDS...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BOP TILL U DROP

08-13-2009, 09:42 PM

Hey... I once ran into traffic without making sure my shoes were tied. Why weren't you there to tell me this 5 years ago?

phit_demon

08-19-2009, 03:12 PM

Come on, let me hear you say it, just once.

You're insane.

No, no, not that. The other thing. Come on, I know it's on the tip of your tongue.

Here's BallsMonkey with another Safety...

WRONG!

Glad to see I'm not the only one who appreciates what that movie has to offer. :D

(seriously, I damn near pissed myself when I read that. kudos!)

BallsMonkey

08-19-2009, 03:35 PM

I don't wanna sound queer or nuthin', but here's a Safety Tip...

Tip 24: When playing near exposed electrical wiring, always watch out for Pikachus. Those damn things are all over the place. And they bite like a son of a bitch.

Well, till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying...Only you can prevent forest fires...by getting rid of all the forests. Tear those bitches down!

Alexsad

08-19-2009, 05:24 PM

Thanks BallsMonkey!
I was about to enter a phone companies headquarters but you may have saved my life.

P.S Tip 19 helped me out while I was downtown last week.

BallsMonkey

08-20-2009, 08:22 PM

Heya Kids, BallsMonkey here. Now it;s time to present the winning tip in my..

BALLSMONKEY'S WRITE YOUR OWN BALLSMONKEY'S SAFETY TIP COMPETITON 2009 SPONSORED BY BALLSMONKEY

Without further ado.....

Tip 25:
"Don't scratch your balls until they are nearly bleeding before spraying your junk with Cruex. It's bad enough they itch like a bitch, but when they feel like someone used a blowtorch on them, being a eunuch doesn't sound so bad."

All credit goes to the lovely By-Tor for that........insightful tip.

Well, till next time kids, this is BallsMonkey saying, I don't care if she's your Grandmother, YOU PUSH THAT FUCKING BUTTON NOW!

By-tor

08-20-2009, 09:18 PM

Tip 25:
"Don't scratch your balls until they are nearly bleeding before spraying your junk with Cruex. It's bad enough they itch like a bitch, but when they feel like someone used a blowtorch on them, being a eunuch doesn't sound so bad."

All credit goes to the lovely By-Tor for that........insightful tip.
You forgot my sign off: "That's all for now kids, this is By-tor saying, scratch 'em if ya got 'em." :D

Little_Green_Gumby

08-20-2009, 10:14 PM

BOP TILL U DROP

09-09-2009, 08:48 PM

Where are the saftey tips? My world is extremely dangerous, and I need to know how to be safe.

dtcb

09-10-2009, 05:20 AM

And don't screw up and pack your Cruex in your carry-on bag just to have airport security pull it out (in front of everybody!), give you a nasty look and then toss it in the garbage, leaving itchy until you reach your destination because you can't find that stuff at the terminal gift-shops. You can get cigars, whisky and condoms (all essential items) but no Cruex.

Makes my balls itch just thinking about it...

that is horrible~!

Minorly.........200ml bottle of Massage Oil - heated and scented (in and amongst an assortment of condoms) removed right next to the line and confiscated. I believe a family of 6 was behind me. JFK Homeland Nazis are so discrete.

For a second; I contemplated if I should ask if I could pour half out and take the rest. Later, on the plane, I thought "maybe I should have said, "Hey let's not waste this; let's get some gloves, you search me, then I'll search you! Gitmo-style!"" Thank god I kept my mouth shut.

donkey

09-10-2009, 09:29 AM

Minorly.........200ml bottle of Massage Oil - heated and scented (in and amongst an assortment of condoms) removed right next to the line and confiscated. I believe a family of 6 was behind me. JFK Homeland Nazis are so discrete.

For a second; I contemplated if I should ask if I could pour half out and take the rest. Later, on the plane, I thought "maybe I should have said, "Hey let's not waste this; let's get some gloves, you search me, then I'll search you! Gitmo-style!"" Thank god I kept my mouth shut.

I will forever think of you now when I'm at JFK.

Side note: I'm hanging out with some friends tongiht, one of whom works for the TSA...

TheHangingBrain

09-10-2009, 03:12 PM

I'm hanging out with some friends tongiht, one of whom works for the TSA...

Does he look a bit like this:

http://img.slate.com/media/1/123125/2158911/2159086/2159087/070221_CL_HitlerEX.jpg

I keed. :D

BallsMonkey

09-10-2009, 09:08 PM

Season 2 of BallsMonkey's Safety Tips begins October 1st, 2009.

DarthMaulRat

09-10-2009, 09:24 PM

Yeah, but when does the first season come out on DVD? GEEZ, don't you know anything about marketing?

ozchick

09-10-2009, 09:56 PM

that is horrible~!

Minorly.........200ml bottle of Massage Oil - heated and scented (in and amongst an assortment of condoms) removed right next to the line and confiscated. I believe a family of 6 was behind me. JFK Homeland Nazis are so discrete.

For a second; I contemplated if I should ask if I could pour half out and take the rest. Later, on the plane, I thought "maybe I should have said, "Hey let's not waste this; let's get some gloves, you search me, then I'll search you! Gitmo-style!"" Thank god I kept my mouth shut.

Sorry guys, no sympathy here. You know the rules about how much liquid you can take on so either pack it in your checked baggage, leave it at home or don't be surprised when it's confiscated. I'd rather deal with minor inconvenience than be dead because security allowed a small bottle of "massage oil" that turned out to be some chemical bomb!

BallsMonkey

09-10-2009, 10:49 PM

Yeah, but when does the first season come out on DVD? GEEZ, don't you know anything about marketing?

Oh it'll come out.....WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!

*throws smoke bomb*

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAohjeezusfuckingchrist*whomp*

Uhh....Tip 25.5: Never....run down the stairs with...your eyes closed...after throwing a...smoke bomb

that's it for now....this is Balls.....Monkey saying....I need a doctor...uuuuuuuuuuh...

DarthMaulRat

09-10-2009, 11:09 PM

Oh it'll come out.....WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!

So, judging by this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1261945/), really soon?

BallsMonkey

09-10-2009, 11:17 PM

Aw nut-bunnies.

dtcb

09-10-2009, 11:29 PM

Sorry guys, no sympathy here. You know the rules about how much liquid you can take on so either pack it in your checked baggage, leave it at home or don't be surprised when it's confiscated. I'd rather deal with minor inconvenience than be dead because security allowed a small bottle of "massage oil" that turned out to be some chemical bomb!

I don't mind them confiscating it; I just mind the "Price Check on Vagasil and Hemorrhoid Toner!" like attitude security in the US has. I've been treated better at Ben Guiron Airport. There should be a movable screen wall to one side when they open bags. I've seen them in other airports.

Hell, you're from Australia. Next time you are flying back out and in country and those cute little beagles start howling at your bag because you kept a bag of peanuts; see how security treats you. Will it be: "Please ma'am/Sheila can you come over here so we can inspect your bag?" or will it be: "Get down on the ground you daggy terrorist!..............mate." Somehow I don't think it is going to be the latter and more likely the former. The worst I've seen customs in Australia do is roll their eyes every time a chinese family tries to smuggle in 2 kilos of dried mushrooms in their kids "Nickey Mouse" backpack.

phit_demon

09-11-2009, 05:31 AM

"Please ma'am/Sheila can you come over here so we can inspect your bag?"

...in their kids "Nickey Mouse" backpack.

Oh Daniel, you crack me the fuck up sometimes. :D

ozchick

09-13-2009, 09:05 PM

I don't mind them confiscating it; I just mind the "Price Check on Vagasil and Hemorrhoid Toner!" like attitude security in the US has. I've been treated better at Ben Guiron Airport. There should be a movable screen wall to one side when they open bags. I've seen them in other airports.

Hell, you're from Australia. Next time you are flying back out and in country and those cute little beagles start howling at your bag because you kept a bag of peanuts; see how security treats you. Will it be: "Please ma'am/Sheila can you come over here so we can inspect your bag?" or will it be: "Get down on the ground you daggy terrorist!..............mate." Somehow I don't think it is going to be the latter and more likely the former. The worst I've seen customs in Australia do is roll their eyes every time a chinese family tries to smuggle in 2 kilos of dried mushrooms in their kids "Nickey Mouse" backpack.

Hey those beagles are evil little dogs! heehehe - and it's usually bananas :)

Speaking of customs we have a show on tv here called Border Security which is all about that and last night they showed this woman who had this clearly ridiculous wig on and voice over guy was like "the question on everyone's lips is - why does she have such a big head"... hahahah classic. Turns out she had 1.1kg of cocaine under the wig. Got 8 years jail.