2006 Holiday Party

[FanGirl]

*Walks in room and sees the cleaning crew did a good job except for that stain on the ceiling*

*Turns Holiday music and Christmas tree lights on. Sets up and decorates the Christmas Tree. Lights Mennorah. Throws Festivis pole and wrestling mat in the corner. Places Mistletoe all over the place. Sets up a row of ficus trees. Removes brooms from broom closet for extra room*

*Fills the table with all kinds of goodies. Every snack imaginable plus the best cookies ever made. Walks over to the fully stocked bar with auto-bartender to mix every kind of drink including a Screaming Viking. Makes sure the liquor luge is properly kept cold and all the funnels are easily accessable. Programs bartenderbot to make sure there is enough Mead.*

*Calls Pizza Port and orders Pizza. Gives them Mr. Underhill's credit card number and tells them to charge everything that is ordered over the next few days to that card.*

*Fluffs all the pillows on all the many couches and straighens all the chairs. Walks up and opens door to the thread.*

I've got everything all set up for our Holiday Party with enough refreshments to hold us until next year. Come on in. The pizzas should be here in bit.

*Makes sure all the regulars have wrapped gifts beneath the tree. Puts the box of Santa hats by the door so people can grab them and put them on. Grabs a big old mug of hot coco and sits on the couch and pops in the Christmas movie classic - Die Hard*

[Zens7s]

[Zen comes crashing through the door wearing a rather shocking shade of red and a sequined santa hat. She skids across the floor, still managing to keep her champange glass upright.]

Sorry about that FanGirl! Bytor was right behind me and he pinched my butt harder than I expected!

I brought some important things for tonight, and I hired these hot college boys to bring them in for us...

This is Tex. I picked him up in the stockyards:
http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/6637/afboy2kt.jpg

Now go be a dear Tex and go grab the case of:
http://www.liquorama.net/ProductImages/Perrierjouet.jpg

and the essential:
http://chris.europe2blog.fr/chris38/images/ficus.jpg

[PizzaDude]

*rings bell. Door flies open, but doesn't see who opened it*

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies! Pizza in the hiz house.

*Sets up the 20 pizzas on the table on the special pizza heaters that keep the pizza fresh all day*

Laters Ladies. I'll be back later with more. I'll just walk slowly out to my car and head back to work even though they don't need me back for a while.

*eyes Zens, but she has grabbed some pizza and is "accidently" spilling it on Tex's pants*

[Aaron]

*rings a couple of people to let them know I'll be an hour late to the party*

*returns to playing videogames in his underwear*

[Zens7s]

OOOHHH Tex! I am so sorry and so clumsy. Let me get that for you.

[Zen looks into his big blue devoid of intelligence eyes and her heart goes a flutter.]

[Omaru]

*combs that stray tuft of hair near the back of his head that just won't stay down*
*buffers his shoes*
*shaves all but that awkward section under the right side of the chin where the no amount of electric shaving seems to pick it up*

Okay the night is young and so am....... damn aged memory, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PHONE AND KEYS!

[JK]

*having opened presents last night, JK looks from the party invite to his shiny new copy of Rainbow Six: Vegas...

party...

new 360 game...

social interaction...

kicking virtual ass...*

"Hey, I'm Person of the Year! The party needs to come to me!"

*jk initiates lockdown procedure delta foxtrot bravo mike because he's not really in the partying mood right now since he's taking his woman out for her birthday*


I'll be by later this week, when you're all at your most vulnerable... :eek: ;)

[Captain Spaulding]

*Stumbles into room, wearing nothing but a pair of fluffy red Christmas Underwear, and a beanie with a mistletoe sticking out the top*

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE, WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL???

*Smiles at the auto-bar*
Well howdee doo! You say this thing is fully stocked??? We'll find out soon. Woo Hoooo!

[phit_demon]

*Walks in, falsely-composed, terrified of repeating last year's fool's entrance.*

*Spots name on credit card on table and rings room service. Orders a bloody mary, a steak sandwich and...a steak sandwich.*

*Grabs a bottle of bubbly and plants down on the couch to watch Die Hard and wait for the party to get swinging.*

*Waves nervously at Zens, gets flashbacks of the tinfoil antlers debacle from Xmas '05.*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Jumps over bar, turns off auto-bar feature, takes off beanie with mistletoe on top and replaces it with a santa hat, pounds down bottle of J.D. and hollars half coherently*

I'll beeee ur *hic* new automatateded bartender *hic*, sooooo, if ya'lllll needish shum drinksh, jusht ashk *falls over for a sec, manages to pick himself back up* ME!

[FanGirl]

*With a loud sigh, gets up and walks over to the bar. Drags an unconscious Captain Spaulding into broom closet. Walks back and turns bartenderbot back on. Gets a big stein of hot mead with a cinnamon stick and heads back to change dvd to Lethal Weapon*

[phit_demon]

*Hollers at Fanny for stopping Die Hard half-way through.*

"Hey, I was watching that!"

[Captain Spaulding]

*wakes up in dark room, starts freaking out and crashing and flailing everywhere then finally realizes he's only in the closet. Opens door and sees all the people staring at him waiting intently to use a bad pun, and stumbles out*

Ok, Ok, I promish i'll be good

* walks back over to the bar, attempts to sit on barstool, but instead topples onto the floor, quickly pulling himself back up onto the stool. Stares around the room looking embarrassed*

I meant to do that!

*Looks back at the bar bot and smiles*

Well 'ello shexy! I do believe they forgot to cut me off, scho you and meee, we schtill frindsh, right?

[Ryall]

*Walks in uninvited, and way too inebriated. Kisses every girl, telling them that the mistletoe is "implied," is forcefully reminded he's married, and is quickly escorted out after vomiting on Zens' new plant. Last thing heard from him are cries of "...and to all except Razorback, a gooood niiiiiight" echoing down the block.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[By-tor]

*walks in, goes directly to Zens and exclaims*

Was that your butt? AWESOME!!!

*finds, and waters the nearest ficus*

AHHHHH!!! Much better.

*walks over to Bar-bot*

Where's my Jager Mr. Barkeep?

*downs first shot of the nite, and asks a drunk ass clown if he's already pissed himself, or spilt a drink in his crotch after falling out of the barstool that he is precariously perching on*

*walks over and high-fives phit*

How 'bout them fuckin' Tastys?!!! Oh, and where's Fanny, ain't she and Zens pudding wrestling in the first round? Where's my beer?

[By-tor]

*chases Ryall down the street*

Not so quick muthafuggerr!!! You just got here. Ain't gonna be any of that early withdrawal shit tonite. You ain't even seen any boobies, yet. Married, or not, you got to stick around for awhile, brother.

*wrestles with Ryall until Zens and Fanny show up to help out*

Tell him!!! Tell him!!!

[phit_demon]

*Swigs some champagne, and passes the magnum on the left-hand side.*

By-tor, me oul' flower! Screw beer, get this down your neck hole post-haste!

[Captain Spaulding]

*checks to see if he has really pissed himself, and realizes he hasn't*

That'sh jusht.....

*Pulls off his fluffy X-Mas underwear and smells them*

That'sh jusht beer!

*Put's underwear back on, stumbles over to table of food and drags it over to a couch, feels the top of his head and realizes he left the beanie behind the bar*

*Stumbles back to bar, grabs beanie, and pulls bag of weed out while stumbling back to couch*

*Plops back on couch, rolls up a fatty, lights it, and exclaims:*

Now it'sh a Merry Chrishtmash!

*as he smokes with one hand, and crams munchies down his face with the other between hits*

[By-tor]

*comes back in after leaving Ryall to the girls, plops down on couch*

*takes bottle from phit*

That shit IS tasty, brother.

*looks over at the drunk clown*

That dude is higher than bird pussy, man!!!

[FanGirl]

Phit, sweetie. Umm, you've been staring at the ceiling for the last hour. The movie ended and has repeated three times before I changed discs.

I wrestled last year. I believe Smurfy and Arionna are due in the ring.

[Captain Spaulding]

*gestures passing the fatty to By Tor*

Wanna hit?

*looks down for a second*

Oops, now I think I really did pissh meshelf

*looks around the room as if something caught his ear*

Wreshle? Did shumbuddy shay wreshle?

*Runs and dives into pudding ring*

Who wansht to wreshle?

*looks around the room now all covered in pudding*

[By-tor]

*smirks at phit*

I don't know clown, I've never inhaled before. Will I go crazy, and shit myself, or what?

[Aaron]

*Steps over a by-tor/Ryall sandwich and comes in the door*

Sorry I'm late

*realises he's not that late and once again his attempts to arrive at a fashionable time have failed*
*walks over to bar-bot*

Mead? Is that an Irish dig?... why thank you, I think I will have a pint of it

*remembers he left his viking hat at home*

Damn it!

*Realizes this mead stuff is strong*
*worries about his ability to keep it together drinking this stuff*...

[phit_demon]

*winks at By-tor*

"They say it's a gateway drug."

*grabs fatty from giant, bearded clown*

"You know somethin' Coco? You're aaaaaaalright!"

[Captain Spaulding]

Ok, but itsh covered in puddin, gotsh more on the table, help urshelf

*Climbs out of pudding wrestling ring, realizing sadly that no one wants to wrestle a drunken clown, and walks to the bathroom to wash up in a cold shower*

[phit_demon]

*phit shakes head in embarressment and takes a drag from the recently acquired joint as he watches Captain Spaulding attempt to smoke a tampon.*

[By-tor]

*looks at the pudding plastered clown*

Dude, put it in the microwave. It'll be fine.

*looks over at DoubleA*

What's up, Biotch!!

[Captain Spaulding]

*washes up in cold shower, getting his composure a little bit back, and walks back out into the party, back over to the table where his weed is at, and realizes that phit has smoked most of what he had left*

*Realizes all at once that he's soaking wet still from the shower, and still just wearing red underwear*

*rolls and lights up another fatty, and chills on the couch*

[Aaron]

Hey!

*walks over to by-tor and knocks glasses with him in a celebratory way*

Dude, this mead shit is sweeeeet

*hands by-tor his xmas present*

Dude, it's not much, but it's all I could sneak past customs...

[By-tor]

Dude, you shouldn't have!

*opens present to find huge vibrator*

Man, I think this is for Karma.

[Aaron]

Can't you share?
geez....
It's double ended for a reason!

*wonders where Karma is and how long it would take to get him into the pudding ring*

[Captain Spaulding]

*sighs*

what's up with the lack of tunes in here? Anybody got any instruments here or anything? I can play guitar if anybody wants to play some music or whatever. Don't know any Christmas tunes or nuthin, but I can play some rock n roll, classic or new....come on, anything???

[By-tor]

*looks at double-ended vibrator*

What will you kids think of next? Who's got the Jenna DVD? Uhh...no..wait 'til later.

*wanders over to wet clown*

Did you buy those underwear at Victoria's Secret?

[Captain Spaulding]

Naw, Wal-Mart, Victoria's Secret didn't have my size...hey, you play music, right? Bring any instruments along with you? I wanna play!

[Captain Spaulding]

What's a holiday party without some Pantera or Megadeth blaring in the background....come on now

[By-tor]

Alright. We can set up in the garage. But, we can't start playing anything' 'til Fanny OK's it. She's pretty set on how the flow of the party goes until she gets loaded. Then it's Katie bar the door.

*heads out to the car to get this:
http://www.rickbeat.com/modelslibrary/4001/4001rtl.jpg*

Tune up bitch!!!

[Captain Spaulding]

Now that's what I'm sayin!

*walks out to the truck and grabs his:
http://www.oneiroidpsychosis.com/Images/Equipment/NJBGBK.jpg

Ain't she beautiful! Got her for me birthday.

[Captain Spaulding]

*tunes his guitar to By tor's bass*

Now if we only had drums, or someone who knows how to play....

[By-tor]

http://www.musiciansstorehouse.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/WBBK.jpg
One of the few basses of mine that weren't Rics. I had a cheap Jap model back in the early 80's.

*heads over to Bar-bot*

Give me another Jager, bitch. I'm feeling old.

*looks around, and yells*

Zens, come give Daddy some sugar!!!!!

[Captain Spaulding]

My lead guitarist plays one of these, except his is a blue fading into black...
http://www.donmack.com/Images/products/Dean/USAHardtail/HT_TAB_detail_2.jpg
My old guitar was just like that one.

[By-tor]

*looks around*

Yep, it doesn't take long for the musicians to start herding together.

*shows the wet clown the bathroom and the blow dryer*

Dry off before you plug ANYTHING in.

[Captain Spaulding]

*dries off in the bathroom, returns to the party, and starts assembling for mass distortion*

[Sheriff]

*Bursts in door*

Happy Holidays!!! Hey, who likes parties and has two thumbs?

*Gives the double thumbs up and uses them to point to self*

This guy.

You will never guess who I just saw running down the street… Ryall!
Oh, he was already here?

Shoot! (bud-da-bum)

*Walks over and decorates X-mas tree with candy canes shaped in 65 positions of the Kama Sutra. Then heads over to bartender-bot, orders two glasses of 15 year old single malt scotch, puts one on the floor incase a certain party animal shows up.*

Ahhhh, that’s more like it. Hey Fanny when do the ‘feats of strength’ start?

*Sits on couch, eyes the TV and frantic half naked clown.*

Hey pass that bubbly! Anyone seen Ozchick yet? She promised to show me how that ice luge works.

[FanGirl]

*snuggles up to Sheriff on couch*

Actually, you guys can move the mat for the feat of strength and use that for the stage area. Live music is cool with me.

*chugs more mead and gets comforable by snuggling with Sheriff in ways that Sexual Harrassment Panda would say were bad touch*

[ozchick]

*sends a video message to Fangirl and rest of the regs*

Apologies for my lack of attendence but I'm getting my eyes "lasered" tomorrow which means the term "blind" might have nothing to do with me being drunk! Have a drink on me... I mean FOR me..

And Sherrif, I hear you know exactly how the ice luge works.. if you know what I mean ;)

sloppy kisses for all of you.. Don't drink & drive!

[Captain Spaulding]

*finishes setting up band equiptment, and hollars over to By Tor*

Hey man, you pick the first tune, let me know what chord you're playing in, we're almost ready to rock!

*walks over to bar and graps a couple of shots of bourbon, yells over to FanGirl*

Hey, you like licorice?

*as he fills up a mug with Jager and brings it to her, keeping the rest of the bottle for himself*

Can't enjoy a good rock show without some Jager, and i appologize for only showing up in me knickers, heard there was a party goin on, and didn't have time to prepare.

*Brings the rest of the bottle of Jager over to By Tor*

Take a haul off this to get into the partying mood. Hurry up man, let's ROCK!

*Leaves the bottle of Jager with By Tor, and walks over to bar to pound dow the two shots of bourbon he left behind*

[Antonio_Bay]

*Feeling slightly anxious, knocks politely on door. Waits for Fangirl to greet him.*

*Apologises for his lateness then thanks Fangirl for inviting him and hands her a pile of customised Christmas t-shirts, featuring Bub, from Day of the Dead dressed in a Santa Suit for everyone to wear. Wanders about the dark stain on the ceiling. *

*Spots naked clown in background:*
http://www.misawa.com/nakedtwister/images/creepyclown.jpg
*...and wonders if this environment is safe...*

*Says Hi to everyone, grabs a plateful of Twiglets, Pretzels and a can of Mr (not Doctor!) Pepper.*

*For the next fifteen minutes employs his successful ‘Columbo Tactic’ utilised when often meeting a new business client (acts interested and asks inquisitive questions in order to make the other person/people - and himself - feel more comfortable.) After getting an idea of everyone’s personalities, feels more at home and relaxes.*

*Notices By-Tor and C. Spaulding with their guitars, wanders over and asks to join the band.*

I’m pretty good with making tunes with two spoons, just like that weird kid in Mimic. Unusual, I know, but….Am I in??

[Captain Spaulding]

*Stares oddly at guy approaching with spoons, and calms down when he realizes they're only for musical purposes*

Umm, we're setting up to be really loud. How is anyone gonna hear your spoons?

*shrugs, and walks over to bar, collecting as many empty bottles as he can find, brings them over to an empty table, brings the table over to the band setup, plugs in a mic near the bottle filled table*

There ya go, have a blast

[Antonio_Bay]

*Thanks C. Spaulding for his efforts, grabs a stool, and with his spoons drums out a near perfect rendition of 'The Transformers’ cartoon theme tune.*

[Captain Spaulding]

Hey, if you could play cowbell I'd suggest we play some Blue Oyster Cult. Oh well, whn by tor gets back we can jam out. I think he went back to his car to get his amps.

*Looks at his watch and taps it a few times, grabs the Jager off the table and takes another haul*

*Proceeds to bust out some Seek and Destroy whilst waiting for By-Tor*

[BAMSS04]

*Bam walks through the door with a sack full of fishes and sex toy's.

**He sniffs**

* After smelling the hint of pot in the air, he walks over and put's some GREAT (http://images.projectplaylist.com/static/music/track/B000EULJLUBLUE5.html) music on. Bam walks up to all the girls and kisses them and them spanks them with a fish. He runs over to bar-bot and loads up on alcohol.*

Now, we have good music, Good People, and healthy sexual drives. This should be an interesting week.

[Captain Spaulding]

*Walks over and politely shuts off music*

I was in the middle of playing somethin'. When By-Tor gets back, we're gonna jam out, so BUGGER OFF!

*Walks back over to guitar, picks it up, and proceeds to play Master of Puppets*

[FanGirl]

Freebird!

[Captain Spaulding]

*Stops playing Master of Puppets due to a great request, and breaks into Freebird*

Anyone wanna sing this one, not much of a vocalist for this kind of vocals...?

*Looks around the room for volunteers*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Gives it a shot anyways*

If I leave here tomorroooooow, would you still remember meee...

Yeah, sorry guys, ok, I'll start over once we get someone who can sing, unless you don't care about lyrics right now...

[BAMSS04]

* Bam in a drunken rage beats Captain Spaulding with a big fish, then walks back over and turns Tool back on *

[FanGirl]

Freebird is a song? I just thought you yelled it a concerts like yelling encore.

*shrugs and goes back to making out with Sheriff on couch*

[Captain Spaulding]

*glares at BAM because he just messed up the Freebird solo.*

*Jumps BAM from behind, grabs his fish, and flogs him repeatedly until he submits, then proceeds to turn off the stereo politely once again, this time unplugging it and putting it behind the band setup*

[By-tor]

*walks in from the backyard after looking around for a drunk-ass Ryall, checks Ric for tuning, looks over at half naked clown*

Cowboys From Hell, Bitch!!!

*glances over at Antonio*

Keep up. Spoonboy.

*winks at Bams*

We're playing Sober, next, brother!!

[Captain Spaulding]

*Tunes guitar to drop d, starts beginning lick of Cowboys From Hell*

This one takes two guitars, but I'm pretty sure you can fill in for the lost guitar with the bass

Now this I have no problems singing

*looks back at antonio, who's already wailing away at the bottles with his spoons*

*Nods to By-Tor*

Under the lights where we stand tall
Nobody touches us at all
Showdown, shootout, spread fear within, without
Were gonna take whats ours to have
Spread the word throughout the land
They say the bad guys wear black
Were tagged and cant turn back

You see us comin
And you all together run for cover
Were takin over this town....

[BAMSS04]

*Bam wakes up and grabs another drink. Walks over to Spaulding and this time he whips out his fishsaber, and beats Captain Spaulding's until he blacks out. He walks over plugs the stereo back in and continues to listen to the rest of Tool. When the song finally ends he stands up and throws cold water on spaulding.*

We never turn off Tool.

* Bam walks over and begins to Webcast Sheriff and Fanny making out.*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Wakes up from the splash of water on his face, and looks over at Bam. Walks over to Bam and says*

I'm sorry, it seems we had a misunderstanding....

*Drops down with the quickness and gives the most ferocious uppercut in history to the nuts of Bam. Watches as Bam tumbles to the floor, opens Bam's limp legs and proceeds to stop the ever loving hell out of his now pulverized testicles*

I agree, you should never turn off Tool....but you should also never interrupt a man with a guitar when he's playing!

*Walks quietly over to the stereo, removes the Tool cd, and wings it out th window into the street, as a car comes by and runs it over, destroying it completely*

Don't worry, I'll buy you a new one.

*Walks over to the instruments and picks up guitar again, and proceeds to play Tool- Sober*

[Sheriff]

*Moves a little closer to FanGirl even though it seems impossible, Sexual Harassment Panda that was hiding behind the row of ficus faints dead away*

Hmmm, mmmeugph, looonmph!

*Raises head for quick breath*

What it that racket upstairs? I can't believe that anything can be heard over the sound of the band?

*Dodges a swinging fish to the left, dodges By-tor's head banging mane to the right*

You guys, what is that noise?

*giggles*

Hey! No tickling you, come back here!

*chases FanGirl into closet*

[BAMSS04]

*Bam pick up his testicles, puts them in a plastic bag, and places them in his pocket. He wallks out the door and pick up the broken Tool Cd. As he walks back in he grabs Spaulding by the shirt collar and beats him into black-out, again. He ties spaulding up, uses the broken Tool cd to cut his balls off, and hangs him on the wall next to the ficus tree as a warning to newbs that follow. He them picks up the guitar and continues playing sober. After sober was finished, he cut's spaulding down, gives him his balls (that are now also in a plastic bag) and walks him over to the bartender bot.*

Now, let's say we are even, and get pissed drunk. Hell, I may even break out the drumset.

[PizzaDude]

*doesn't bother ringing bell, just walks in*

Soup is on and by soup I mean pizza.

*removes all the empty boxes and replenishes the pizza. looks around and sees very odd things. shrugs it off and walks towards the door. stops and listens at the closet for a bit and then leaves*

[Captain Spaulding]

*hollars to Fanny*

Oi, you got a stapler?

*Grabs stapler and proceeds to staple plastic bag in it's rightful position*

It's a damn good thing clowns don't feel pain, cause I reckon that was a hell of a beatin'.

*Walks over to Bam and shakes his hand*

I ain't taken a beatin like since I was a little clown. Good job, and cheers.

*Grabs bottle of bourbon from bar and proceeds to pound it down.*

Let's get piss durnk, or pisser drunk than we are, cuz that damn shower I took wiped a bit of me buzz off.

*Looks down at the bag swinging from his pelvic region, and pours a shot in with his testies.*

*Put's his arm around bam and proceeds to belt out his favorite drinking song*

As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before

As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a thing in her thing where my old thing should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that thing in your thing where my old thing should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But hair on a tin whistle sure I never saw before

*Finishes singing, grabs a bottle of mead, pounds it till the bottoms dry, and walks off grumbling something incoherantly*

[FanGirl]

*opens closet briefly to yell "What do you want you drunken shite!" in all the appropriate places during 7 Drunken Nights.*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Opens closet door, and averts his eyes while passing in 2 pints of mead, and the double-ended dildo somebody left on the table*

Thought you could use these

*and closes the door*

[By-tor]

*looks over a pair of scrot-challenged musicians*

Enough, bullshit, already, you shits!! Bams set up the drums.

*walks over to the pizza pies, grabs a slice of the loaded variety*

Hey, Captain Stubing, got any more of that "oregano"? Tastes mighty fine on the pizza.

*as the Captain crawls around on all fours looking for his stash*

Hurry up Bams!! Next song will be a little something called The Trooper. Maiden up, fuckers.

*downs another shot of Jager*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Finds weed over by phit, and is not surprised what so ever*

Some Iron Maiden, eh? alright then, Bam, hurry up with that damn drumset, we're gonna need it.

*walks over to pizza stack and grabs a whole pizza, crams 3 pieces down his gullet in 30 seconds, grabs another bottle of Jager, and hollars out to the room*

Oi!, we're runnin low on fuel, who wants to run for more Jager?

*stashes last remaining bottle of Jager in guitar case after taking a few hearty swigs*

You can haull off that bottle anytime you want, by-Tor, But don't let anyone else snag it, it's all the fuel we got until someone runs, and I ain't runnin to no store. How would I explain myself if I got pulled over:

Ummmm, sorry officer, was I doing 80 in a 35?
Oh, my attire? I was coming from a christmas party, and...huh? What's this in the plastic bag? Oh, just my testicles.

*enacts scene of him being dragged out of car and thrown on ground*

*looks up at By-Tor*

Catch my drift?

[By-tor]

Yeah, I gotcha, clown.

*Glances over at Bams as heads down hall*

I hope you got another bass drum, or a double kick pedal, sheesh!!

*continues down hall after fetching a box of pizza*

*stops at the closet, opens door, and throws in the pizza just getting a glance of the festivities going on within*

You guys are gonna need some sustenance. And, DAMN!!! That, right there, just, WOW!!! I thought the phrase "double-fisting" was all about two drinks in you're hand at the same time. Jeez-a-fuckin'-loo!!!

*slams door and heads back to the Captain's guitar case*

*retrieves Jager, does a shot behind the amps, and returns bottle*

*looks over at the Cap'n and Bams*

The closet. Do not go in there!!!

[BizarroPunisher]

Good choice on The Trooper.

*Grabs a slice of pizza*

*Adds I Believe in a Thing Called Love to the playlist*

*Sits on the couch and enjoys Justin Hawkin's vocals*

[Captain Spaulding]

*laughs at the look on By-Tors face and gaves him a half smile*

I got an idea...

*Stands up and grabs a mic with an extended chord, walks it over to the closet, turns it on and throws it in, as the entire room is now witness to sounds that you could only describe as Discovery Channel's too graphic for TV outtakes*

Now that's entertainment!

*waits a few minutes so the room can hear all the nasty details, and opens the door slightly to grab the mic, but ends up in a tug o war battle. Finally, after about a minute of the tug o war he falls on his ass as he pulls out the mic, which is not exactly in prime condition anymore*

Hope you're the one who's singin, By-Tor, cuz I ain't gettin my face anywhere near that thing

*as he dangles it by it's chord in front of By-Tors face*

[By-tor]

Here, gimme that, Captain Beefheart.

*nearly gags at the putrid thing while throwing it in the trash compacter*

We got other mics. And, I sing for shit!!!

*looks over at BP*

Welcome, kid. And, you know Hawkins lost his balls in a bizarre gardening accident, right?

*grabs a pint of mead, downs it, and wonders when the hell the women are gonna start the pudding wrestling*

[Captain Spaulding]

Alright, alright, time to stop fuckin around and play some tunes. Once Bam gets on those drums (sorry dude, but the spoons won't cut it for this tune) then we can get to jammin!

*watches By-Tor stare at the Pudding Ring with anticipation, and says*

You know, we could always drag Fanny outta the closet and throw her in the ring....I think that's the only way it's gonna happen. Paper Rock Scissors on who has to do the dragging

[By-tor]

*smiles at Cap'n Crunch*

Nah, man, just wait. It'll happen. Can't rush these ladies into anything. Ever heard of foreplay?

*looks around*

Where the fuck is that fish wielding bastard?!!!!

*digs out that last bottle of Jager from the Captain's guitar case*

*downs the last of that Vick's Formula 44 goodness*

That's It, Clown. I'm heading down the street to pick up more Jager. Wanna ride shot-gun? Bams should be ready by the time we get back. Until then I trust that phit will video anything that we might miss while we're out terrorizing the neighborhood. Get in my El Camino, and lets ride!!!

[Zens7s]

[Zen stumbles out of the closet with Karma right behind her. Both of them are giggling histerically and surrounded by smoke.]

Hey Fanny, doooo ya have any more of this apple-y type stufff becuz we like it lots and lots.

[Zen grabs the bottle of Green Apple vodka, two CAO Brazilia cigars and she and Karma jump back into the broom closet]

[Heard through the closet door that all communication was held in wookie that sounded much like Bea Arthurs voice.]

[Ryall]

*Lays out in the muddy yard, singing "Ace of Spades" at the top of his drunken lungs, in between sobs that he was just sober enough to remember By-Tor promises him a look at some boobies, but too drunk to get out of the mud to go see any. Resumes singing any Lemmy song he can think of.

[By-tor]

*heads towards the Camino*

*looks over at Cap'n Kirk*

Do you hear that, dude? Sounds like some Eat The Rich coming from the ditch.

*heads toward the gut-wrenching sound of some Lemmy*

*looks down at a mud-splattered Ryall*

Get up you crazy fuck!!! Me, you, and this half naked clown are booze cruisin'.

*looks over at Captain Stubing*

Help me clean this bastard off, and load him up in the Camino. We're off on an adventure Bill and Ted would fuckin' envy!!! I promised him boobies. By the time we get back, it'll be on like a donkey's kong!!!

[UncaScroogeMcD]

**opens door slightly, remembers Sam Eagle's comment just after the "Happiness Hotel" number in GREAT MUPPET CAPER, chuckles to himself, and decides to check back in later when the castrations have ceased, the bartender has melted down, the fires have started, and the closet needs to be fumigated. Until then, it's best not to be the awkward management presence at a party in full swing, even if he does wish one and all a happy holiday season**

[Captain Spaulding]

*Helps By-Tor pick up the mud soaked looney*

Screw cleanin him off, lets just thro him in the back, drop him off at the strip club with a few bucks, hit the mart, grab our booze, head back to the strip club for a few minutes ourselves, cuz it don't look like we're gonna get any entertainment in there

*gestures towards the party house*

And maybe we can bring a few guest back with us, so we can finally get the damn pudding wrestlin show on the road! I'll grab my loot from my truck, booze ain't fre...

*Turns around and starts running towards truck, and trips over something in the lawn. Stands up and looks down at what appears to be a year old broken lawn ninja, and picks up all the pieces he can find, and continues to the truck*

*Reaches in his glove compartment (which is held closed by duct tape) and grabs a wad of bills and stuffs em in his underwear, and grabs a tube of super glue*

Never leave home without it!

*While By-Tor puts the howling swamp donkey into the back of his camino, Spauldy takes a few minutes to piece the busted lawn ornament back together, and brings it inside*

Hey everyone, don't know who's it was, but I fixed, er, kinda fixed your lawn ninja. I'm gonna go put it next to that other one I saw outside on it's back next to the garden gnome. I cleanes the mold and moss off this one as much as I could.....oh well

*walks out and puts the lawn ninja next to it's friends, and bolts back to the camino, dives into the passengers seat before by-tor can get a chance to take off without him*

Dude, I think one of those lawn ornaments over there said something to me, man...must be the lack of Jager in me, hit it dude!

[By-tor]

*throws spare blanket from cab of Camino over the the still Motorhead singing Ryall*

Take a nap Chris. Boobies are coming for you.

*looks over at Captain Bligh*

Ready, Clown?

[Zens7s]

[Zen suddenly hears the lovely strains of her ol' friend Ryall singing Motorhead tunes again. She jumps out of the closet, leaving Karma in the corner yelling about stewardesses]

Whoops!

[Zen sees a very cuddly Sherriff and FanGirl talking about something but she notices that he seems unable to make eye contact.]

[She runs out the door, seeing Ryall covered up but still singing. She rips the cover off of him, and he sees...]

(.) (.)

There ya go!

[She covers him back up and runs back into the apartment, grabs some trail mix, and begins pelting FanGirls cleavage, cause a wierd flashback like reaction from Sherriff]

[BAMSS04]

* Bam sits in the cornor with Karma watching the Half naked Zen's flash everybody in the room. He walks over to Fangirl and Sheriff and turns the webcast back on. He walks out on the lawn and sits next to the singing, and now smiling Ryall. Bam opens up a beer and waits for the sun to come up *

[phit_demon]

*walk up to Zens, stumbling slightly, holding a suspicious looking gift in front of his groin area.*

Howdy, Sparkles, I didn't know what to get you for christmas, until I got some inspiration from SNL. I hope you like it!

[PftLBritt]

*Walks into party dressed like Willie, the bad Santa*

"Alright, who wants tell Santa how naughty they've been this year?"

*Sees phit and his present. Shakes head and says under breath:*

"Good luck, kid."

*Hits the bar for some courage. After a few belts, walks up to By-tor and Spalding and yells in the best inpression of Al Bundy:*

"LET'S RAWK!!!"

[By-tor]

*looks over at Capt'n Spaulding after Zens flashes her ta-ta's at Ryall*

Hey, dude, no fuckin' way I'm goin' for booze now. The girls are getting CRAZY!!!!

*grabs Ryall out of the back of the Camino*

C'mon, man, there's more boobies inside!!

*walks back in, dragging Ryall, as the clown gets the DT's*

*drops Ryall off at the couch*

DoubleA, phit, you'se guys help this brother out.

*hears the Commish from across the room*

Hey, Britt, the Snowdogs are going all the way this year, fucker!!!

*grabs a pint of mead from the bar-bot, downs it*

Stubing, Bams, follow me!!! Let's do it!!!

*plows into the intro to Smoke On The Water*

ALL YOU BITCHES SING, NOW!!!!!

[Ryall]

*Drunk, stupid, covered in drying mud, visions of Lemmy's warts still dancing in his head, and yet suddenly happy as can be, since Zens gave him what he's wanted for Christmas for, well, about five years now...

[acid_soda]

*walks into the living room holding a stack of about 83 porn magazines*

*gets out Game Boy and plays bomberman for about 47.3 seconds, then quickly loses interest in it and throws it away*

*gets plastered, strips down to undies and runs around the house with a lampshade atop his head*

[Captain Spaulding]

*stumbles back into party after tripping over now re-broken lawn ninja*

DAMMIT!

*walks in through the door, yelling*

Alright, if ya'll just messed up a booze run for nuthin, im gonna be PISSED! There had better be some titties out in this house!

*Stares around the room hoping to get a peek, but gets curious when he sees a lamp running amock around the room, but curiosity soon turns to dissappointment when he realizes it's not a rogue lighting fixture, instead, it's a half crazed party goer who's had waaaaaaay too much to drink*

Ok, if I don't see some chicks pudding wrestling in 1 minute, I'm taking what clothes off that I have, and instead of having to deal with a half naked clown, your gonna see a fully naked one, and I got 3 bottles of viagra in my truck to make it a bit more interesting.....

[Aaron]

*struggles to deal with his mead buzz*
*spots acid*
*grabs him and proceeds to pour Jager down his throat*

DANCE MONKEY DANCE!

[Captain Spaulding]

*yells at Aaron*

HEY!!! Where'd you get the Jager??!!

*And runs up and grabs it from him and proceeds to cower in corner petting the Jager bottle and continuedly repeating:*

My Precious... My Precious!

[JK]

*jk drives past the building and can't help but notice the fruity cloud of metabolized alcohol vapor lingering in the sky. He wants to stop, but alas- he's on his way to Texas for five days of family fun time...*

Merry Christmas, ya drunken bastards! Hope it's a good one.

*tosses a case of Patron and a crate of lemons and box of Cohibas in the general direction of the front door and drives away as fast as he can*

[Denyse]

*Denyse waddles through the front door, late as usual and notices that in spite of this place having 3 working bathrooms, someone has---once again---pee'd on the potted ficus tree. Unable to partake in the tradition of doing as many shots as possible in the shortest period of time, she grabs the ficus and heads back out the door.*

"Merry Christmas to all and to all...good luck getting that Wii/PS3..."

"Now, on with the feats of strength..."

[ozchick]

*Ozchick and her new eyes arrive fashionably late wearing a mistletoe hat. Sees Fangirl & Sherrif pashing and the absence of Zens and Karma...*

"OK dont leave me hanging!"

[freetoaster]

*hesitates before knocking and looks back at the pony keg in the wagon in tow.*

[By-tor]

*spotting a Texas accent from a mile away, sets down the Ric, and heads out the front door*

*side-steps a very preg Denyse*

Hey, sugar!!! Where ya goin' with my urinal?

*looks out front door*

Shit-fire damnation!!! Hey, everybody, look what JK left for us!!!

*yells down the street*

Thanks JK, Enjoy your time back in the Lone Star, brother!!!!

*stacks up crate of lemons, case of Patron, and box of cigars*

*carries them in the front door, sets them next to bar-bot*

Yeah, baby, right there, is the very first feat of strength!!!!

*walks over to Spaulding*

Gimme that Jager, son. And, ya'll keep this away from acid. That boy ain't right sober, much less buzzed. ;)

*grabs bottle, does shot, picks up Ric*

*smiles at the prettiest girl from down under*

Welcome, Ozchickie!!

Okay, fellas, in honor of Her Ozness, the hottest Aussie ever, a little Crazy Train. Hit it Clown!!!

[Sheriff]

*Wakes up from drunken stupor. Stumbles over to bar, lights Cohiba, sips a little mead*

Much better, in fact, I feel fantastic! I had this really weird dream about it snowing like crazy for the last couple days…

*Looks around*

Sweet! Denyse and the Ozzy showed up. Hey when did Zens get here [fleeting recollection of ‘seeing’ her previously].

Hey, Captain Stubing, quit horking that Jager; in fact let’s get that ice luge going.

*Demonstrating minimal motor skills but some capability on the luge, deviously makes By-tor, Acid, Phit, Ozzy, Zens, FanGirl, Double A, Britt, Freetoaster, Bamms, Captain, and Karma take multiple shots of Jager and Screaming Vikings while taking none himself; waits to see what happens*

Hey, someone help me get acid to stop humping the ficus, I don’t think they like it.

*Looks around for help, the soberest thing seems to be a muddy Cheshire cat slumbering in the corner.*

Ahhh, screw it, he seems to be having fun.

*Checks to see that the bartender bot is working, swipes Mr. Underhill’s card, a plethora of lights and angry beeps assures that the bot is functional and now very irritated*

Is that Die Hard on repeat?

*Sits down on couch*

Hey By-tor, when you guys gonna play?

[acid_soda]

*acid stops humping ficus and sees a group of young women around his age, so he walks over to them and trys to look as cool as he can wearing nothing but his lion king undies and a lampshade. He starts talking to them*

UuuughghughGHGHghu uhgm huh HHERGHEHUG uuuuhm ahrrugh ahr rrrgurjglrrgl ahr

*acid then realises that he is far too inebriated to make words come out of his mouth coherently so he does a little dance. Then when he falls flat on his face, he realises that he's far too inebriated to even do that. He then calmly and quetly goes back to humping ficus*

[ozchick]

*feeling a little woozy from her first ever jagar shots, stumbles towards the couch and accidently on purpose lands on Sherrif.*

Whoops sorry! *bats eyeslashes*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Realizes his "precious" has been snaggd, investigates, and realizes it's only By-Tor*

Right on, man. Just keeping it from Aaron. You're cool....no offense, Aaron.

*Notices that by-tor is setting up for some Rockin', jumps up quickly and grabs his BC Rich, tunes up in a flash, and starts wailing out the sweet sweet sound of Crazy Train*

[Robbo_the_Hood]

Yyyyou peeeeople think you're sooo great! Iiii know th-(hic) the-(hic) the tru-(hic) truth about aaall o-(hic) of me...I mean you...All of me, why not take all of me! Come on everyone! Sing!

{slams fist on table} Whattsa matter you people doooon't wann-wanna sing?

Weeeeer gonna sing my fa-(hic) the bessong everrr.

If I leeeeeeeeeve here tomor-(hic) tomor-(hic) tomorroooooooooooooooowwwwwww! Wood y-(hic) whys evrybody juss staring? Sing DAMMIT! {smashes bottle} Youuuu think yer (hic-hic) too good to sing? Hooo thinks the kin sing better than me!

[By-tor]

*finishes Crazy Train*

*looks over at Robbo, staggering around with a mic*

*thinks about it, decides needs a Jager shot before launching into the most requested song in history*

Thanks, Fanny!!!

Alright, boys, Freebird it is.

[Captain Spaulding]

*Looks over at by-tor and shakes his head*

Dude, I already played Freebird for them, how about If You Want Blood. A little AC/DC couldn't hurt, eh?

*Proceeds to play AC/DC tune, waiting for by-tor to approve, then shakes his head at drunken fool with mic, and says*

Alright, alright

* and breaks into Freebird*

[By-tor]

*finishes up Freebird to a standing ovation, bows and looks toward the front door*

Hey, I thinks there's another Texan out front bringing in some more booze!!

*opens front door to a guy dragging a pony keg in a wagon*

freetoaster, get your ass in here, and lets tap that fuggin' keg!!!

[Captain Spaulding]

*Sees the keg, and immediately yells*

Hey fuckers! I call dibs on first keg stand!

*Pushes his way over to the keg*

Someone gonna tap this bitch or what?!

[By-tor]

Someone gonna tap this bitch or what?!Don't get me started. :D

[Captain Spaulding]

*Eyes the keg eagerly*

If that thing doesn't get tapped soon, I'm gonna chew a hole in it

*Looks around for anyone up to the task*

[BAMSS04]

* Bam taps the keg, and fills two 36 oz cups, and then heads next to the ficus tree.*

Ok, we need some tunes though, seriously. While the band breaks for beer, let's have a little old school!

*Bam puts in a new cd and presses PLAY. (http://images.projectplaylist.com/static/music/track/B000002H2HBLUE4.html)*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Dives on keg, with a mug in hand, filling an emptying the mug atleast 5 times before declaring*

So, who wants to lift me up for a keg stand???

[Antonio_Bay]

* Amongst the mayhem shyly, but full of seasonal sentimentally, stands up and gathers everyone’s attention. *

* Although a Newbie, I’d just like to wish everyone here a merry Christmas Eve and a Great Christmas Day with all your friends and family. *

* Raises glass and toasts everyone *

* Then pulls down a hidden batman cloak beneath his jumper, spreads his arms wide to give the illusion of wings, throws a tiny capsule on the floor which explodes into a dense puff of smoke and vanishes... *

[By-tor]

Thanks AB. Merry Christmas to you, too. Hey, where'd he go? That was awesome.

*pulls up a chair, throws on the Santa cap*

Alright, ladies, come over and sit on Santa's lap, and tell me what you want for Christmas.

[acid_soda]

*sits on santa's lap*

[By-tor]

*looks around room at other party guests*

Didn't I tell you shitheads to keep acid away from the Jager?!!!

*gives acid a smile*

Okay, then, Big Boy, watch ya want for Christmas?

[acid_soda]

*desperately trys to communicate to santa that he wants a Wii, but acid is so drunk that it comes out sounding like "arugmh wrrhhhrh arrwiii ur whruru"*

*acid walks away, frustrated.*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Picks up keg and puts it on By-Tor Claus' lap*

It says it wants a baby brother

*Takes keg off By-Tors lap, and sits on his lap*

I want another fuckin keg, and some more fuckin Jager, and I don't give a sweet shit whether or not I was on the Good list!

[PizzaDude]

*doesn't bother ringing bell as door is slightly off hinges. looks like someone was humping it*

*refreshes all the pizza. tries to find someone who is coherant enough to understand, but gives up and just speaks out loud*

'Sup, dudes and ladies and whatever the hell that thing is. Someone called there was lots of giggling and smacking of lips. Sounded like they were in a closet, but anyway they added to the order so I'm going to unload now. Okay?

*shrugs and figures they'll catch on soon enough*

*enters with two other guys rolling in fresh kegs of beer, three crates of Jager and a case of Red Bull, three cases of mead, and a box of everything else the bar is carrying*

I'll bring more on my next trip.

*starts to walk out. pauses and thinks*

Dude, wait there were two couples in the closet and both the dudes are sitting on the couch. Where'd the chicks go? *pause* oh, dude.

*runs up and presses ear to closet*

[Captain Spaulding]

*Looks at new kegs and crates of Jager, and looks at by-tor, and says*

That was just luck...umm, I'm gonna get some of that...

*Still looking bewildered, picks up a crate of Jager and carries it over to the band area, cracks it open, and grabs two bottles, brings one to by-tor, and begins to pound his own down*

[freetoaster]

http://www.toadking.com/6x9=42/anti-rock.jpg

[UncaScroogeMcD]

**pokes head in**

Merry Christmas, everyone.

**heads back to work, content that By-Tor and Fan Girl will make sure the kids get home safe when the festivities are over... even if half of the kids are ball-less and the other half have had "unspeakable fun" **

[By-tor]

*opens eyes from a Jager induced coma*

Hey, anybody,......anybody?

*hopes none of the kids left whilst still tipsy*

*looks over at half-naked clown*

Dude, you alright?

*straps on Ric, and turns Ampeg up way too loud*

This should get the party back on track*

*starts intro to Rock And Roll All Night*
http://www.neffzone.com/kiss/images/skiss2.jpg

[Omaru]

hey guys I just found my keys, and you won't believe the most excellent christmas saving adventure I went on to get them back wit hthe help of some talking animals, so I won't.

*looks around at a party in very much full swing*
oh hey free stale food. Awesome!

*stands around listening to the house band and sipping back on vodka and red bulls, at least thats what I've been told is in them*

[Aaron]

*walks up in a pool of liquid*

Oh please let that be a drink I spilled....

*eyes up all the empty jars of meade that surrounds him*

Oh god my head hurts

[Aaron]

Good times.
Silly, silly, good times

[By-tor]

Jebus. 3 years ago.:rolleyes: That was some good times, Funaki.

[ILovePapaSmurf]

Never posted in this thread.... hmmm.