What's the stupidest thing you've ever heard? [Archive]

actualsize

05-19-2005, 02:35 AM

And aren't Darwin Awards for people who lose the ability to reproduce?
THey are now. It used to be simpler - you had to die to qualify. But last year, as you no doubt remember, some bright spark put himself in a ball-washer at a golf course, in a "watch this" sort of way.

[cringe]

As this has had the predictable result (to us) of taking this person out of the gene pool forever, "he" was given a Darwin award. The first-ever non-death qualifier.

http://www.lightwatcher.com/lightwatcher/2004DarwinAwards.html

[cringe]

highriskrc

05-19-2005, 03:44 AM

Chris? CHRIS?!!!! I think someone needs a temporary banning at least until they realize that it was a good thing that Bush got elected. :D
Firstly, I have read a lot of Mr.1966's posts and I have a lot of respect for him just by reading the opinon's that the rat-man (or woman, i don't know the gender, as I am sure though that they will clarify, understandably), and even though I have no clue as to who the Chris? CHRIS?!!!! is,(as I am sure that Rat '96 will also shed light upon), I maintain that Kerry was not the man to carry the Democratic party (goddamn, I wish Howard Dean wouldn't have went buck wild during the speech where he cut a wrestling style promo saying, "We're going to Philadelphia, we're going to Boston, we're going to St. Louis, and then we're taking over the White House", and then proceeded with the [if memory serves me correctly] the only 'Ric Flair'-style "WHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!" in political history, which in my opinon cost him the White House). I do not feel, however, as much as I respect your opinion as a veteran of the PoopShoot (no disrespect intended), that the right thing was for Bush to be re-elected..... the war in Iraq has cost American's over $170,652,618,149 as of my posting this..... $349729 per fucking minute(courtesy of http://www.hereinreality.com).

Not only that... the Social Security plan that Bush has implemented is a joke.... American's are going to have far less money in 'private accounts' invested into the stock market. I don't believe that you have checked out my blog that you can view @ http://www.robbiecassidy.4t.com because I have already wrote and voiced my opionion on this repetition of history.... I truly believe... and I'm not big on conspiracy theory's or anything of the sort... yet I believe that the first stock market crash was planned.... as do I the second Stock Market crash... which has yet to come... with all of our private social security accounts in it.... with our retirements and our futures going down the proverbial shit hole with it......... I will explain more if need be..... bottom line........
Bush is a cock-bag.....
only the good President's die....
Lincoln
Kennedy
McKinley (<----well, no one remembers him)
otherwise....
www.robbiecassidy.4t.com

Matt1

05-19-2005, 03:50 AM

Oh brother.

05-19-2005, 04:28 AM

To get this back on track, long ago in a galaxy far far away (by that I mean southeast Texas) I used to be a news photographer. One day I got sent out on a story with what many considered the handsomest reporter in SETX (by that I mean he was as dumb as rocks. This will prove it...) We were cruising out to the location in my news unit, a '98 Jeep Cherokee when Tony (the handsomest reporter in SETX) starting flipping the visor up and down, up and down. I asked him 'what the hell' was going on. He pointed to the big yellow and red sticker on the visor that read "AIRBAG WARNING: FLIP OVER" and said (this is a direct quote, no embelishment) "How in the fuck are you supposed to have time to flip this down and make the airbags work when we get in an accident?"

Like I said, he was the handsomest reporter in SETX...

And then when we got to the story- something about some bullshit at the local university. I got out and started unloading my gear, but the handsomest reporter in SETX just sat in the car. I walked back to the door and asked him what was up. He pointed to the construction site next to the parking lot we were in. There were a dozen or so men laying brick. Tony, the handsomest man in SETX news, asked "You mean to tell me they have to put them up there one at a time?"

I thought for a second...

"No, they must have dropped the roll, because usually they just rolled them down from the top."

"Oh... man, that sucks. They ought to shit can the guy who dropped it."

Like I said, he was the handsomest reporter in SETX.

Mighty Wingman

05-19-2005, 11:50 AM

I had this friend growing up, he was slow, kinda like Forrest Gump slow, but we didn't throw rocks at him or anything we'd just always dare him to do stupid shit.
Us: Hey Tommy, dare you ride your bike off that cliff.
Tommy: Nuh-uh!
Us: Whatsa matter ? You chicken ? * making chicken noises*
Tommy then proceeds to mount up and ride his bike into a thirty ft. deep gulley, there was water at the bottom but it was only two or three feet deep.
So there's Tommy laying at the bottom of of the gulley in two feet of water his leg broken, the front tire of his bike warped and ovaled, screaming and crying for us to help him. We didn't know how to get him out, and we figured we'd be in trouble, so we ran away.

Not far from Tommys house lived a beekeeper. I don't know what they're called, the white boxes the bees live in ? But they were stacked four high, so of course we dared Tommy to go and kick them over, while we watched from a safe distance. How were we supposed to know Tommy was allergic to bee stings ?
He approached slow and cautious, when he was about ten feet away he ran and kicked , he got stung immediately and began flailing his arms around screaming " BUMBLE BEE! BUMBLE BEE! " Of course they were honey bees, but we were laughing to hard to correct him. He ran to a nearby pond and jumped in the water thrashing and flailing around still screaming "BUMBLE BEE ! BUMBLE BEE!" Within minutes after the stings he was already swelling , bad , One sting was on his forehead above his right eye, but already the swelling was so bad he couldn't open his right eye
All told, he was stung 13 times and spent a week at the hospital.

Ahhh, the good old days.

TLS

05-19-2005, 12:31 PM

(Oh, how I would've loved to have a friend like that.)

Here's one I'm sure almost everyone has heard before,

A friend calls you at home and you pick up and they ask where you're at?

(Duh, you called my home phone.)

Threadkiller

05-19-2005, 01:12 PM

will also shed light uponHere's the thing RC. It's not that a lot of people here don't agree with at least some of what you said. It's that due to a lot of tension and arguing lately nobody really wants to open this can of worms yet again.

Chris is also known as Ryall, the administrator of the boards. Ratm stands for Rage Against the Machine. A band that has its own interesting political ideology much different from the ratm66 we all know here.

actualsize

05-19-2005, 01:35 PM

I don't know what they're called, the white boxes the bees live in ?
Um, er, HIVES!
You were up all night waiting in line for, and watching EPIII, right? You best be careful, or you'll qualify for this thread.:D

Gotherella

05-19-2005, 01:46 PM

highriskrc: Also, ratm put a big grinning smiley, so I assume he was just joshin'.

karmattack

05-19-2005, 03:08 PM

Stupidest thing I've heard today? I toasted half a cinnamon-raisin bagel and warmed up a bowl of white rice. A woman from the front office walked in to see what I was preparing and said "Blech! You eat some of the weirdest stuff."

My response was "Well then you should see what I cook when I'm at home. This is just what's available."

Come on! It's not like I'm putting chocolate on a pizza here. It's a bowl of white rice and a toasted cinnamon bagel. And by the way, cinnamon and rice go together splendidly. What's next "Ew! Chicken broth and noodles? Nobody eats that!" "Peanut butter on toast? Ewww!" "Pickles on a hamburger! Freak!"

I think she's the type of person who loves ketchup on french fries, but then thinks you're a mutant if you put it on a baked potato. It's just wrong because it's "different" like my diet.

[/rant]

Wingman, I had a friend like that growing up although I can't say I ever made him ride a bike off a cliff. About the meanest thing my friends and I did was play hide-and-seek with him, and when it was his turn to seek, we all went home. When he showed up to my house and knocked on the door, I grabbed a camera, threw the door open, and took an ambush photo. I'll try to find the picture. It's fucking hilarious.

To add to the story, I saw him a few months ago and he seems to be of normal intelligence and his speech impediment is gone. I'd have thought he was an evil genius messing with US the whole time, but his older brother went through the same development.

Mighty Wingman

05-19-2005, 03:48 PM

Um, er, HIVES!
You were up all night waiting in line for, and watching EPIII, right? You best be careful, or you'll qualify for this thread.:D

Actually, I Just got back from Ep III... Hives are what bees make for themselves, these were man-made, white, wooden boxes with a little slit where the bees come in and out. Ummm, like ya know, what beekeepers have...?

Karma, yeah we were mean little &^%*(*'s

karmattack

05-19-2005, 04:41 PM

They are, in fact, called hives.

Dude! You were an ampersand to the power of percentage owl-face too?! Weird.

The hide-and-seek thing was just the meanest thing I did because it was unprovoked. The worst thing I did to him was beat the living shit out of him in my front yard.

But when you look out a window to find someone laughing and peeing on your dog, it tends to happen.

Gotherella

05-19-2005, 04:48 PM

They're called beehives: http://www.answers.com/topic/beehive-beekeeping

Though I prefer this type of beehive:
http://www.mulch.demon.co.uk/b52s/albums/wildplanet/wildplanet.jpg

Dave

05-19-2005, 04:52 PM

....at the end of my 40 foot leash,
is my little friend Quiche.
Quiche La Poodle....

Mighty Wingman

05-19-2005, 05:02 PM

They are, in fact, called hives.
In that case, I guess it's a doubledumbass on me.

Dude! You were an ampersand to the power of percentage owl-face too?! Weird.
You know, sometimes I miss the filter.( Not the" Hey Man Nice Shot" variety the one that used to [Censored] everything.) Nowadays if I don't edit myself I end up looking like a potty-mouth.

But when you look out a window to find someone laughing and peeing on your dog, it tends to happen.
Maybe he saw how dogs mark territory and he was trying to claim your dog because he liked it , maybe it was a compliment?
I s'pose the better question is : Did the dog seem offended?

jjcourtright

05-19-2005, 05:06 PM

Try a "/". See ->[/QUOTE]

Mighty Wingman

05-19-2005, 05:09 PM

Ahh the details, fixed now, thanks J.J.

karmattack

05-19-2005, 05:36 PM

Did the dog seem offended? My dog, Sam, was confused more than offended. He was an extremely sociable dog and was trying to come up to him for attention, but every time he got close.....he'd get peed on and then get startled back.....then try again, and so on. I didn't actually do anything at first because I was just kind of shocked by the whole thing and I guess I wanted to see how far he would go with it (har-har). After he left the yard, I let Sam inside and gave him a bath which is when the temper started to boil. My mom and sis got home and I told them about it and they were both more upset than I was. Instead of any of us doing the mature thing, I beat the hell out of him when he came walking back by the house later that day and my mom and sister let me do it. The part that brought on the fight more than anything was that I asked him twice if he did it and both times he said "no."

Mighty Wingman

05-19-2005, 05:39 PM

*Note to self*
Never pee on Karmas dog while laughing ... and then lie about it

TLS

05-19-2005, 05:51 PM

*Note to self*
Never pee on Karmas dog while laughing ... and then lie about it
How about "Never pee on Anyone's dog..."

jjcourtright

05-19-2005, 05:57 PM

Don't be trying to take away my freedoms!

TLS

05-19-2005, 06:00 PM

Don't be trying to take away my freedoms!
I wouldn't dare.
I just was thinking that anyone would probably beat the crap out of someone who pissed on their dog. Wouldn't you?

jjcourtright

05-19-2005, 06:14 PM

Of course...but I've still got my eye on you.

ratm1966

05-19-2005, 07:01 PM

highriskrc: Yeah, the big smile was that I was just kidding around. I see the Chris thing has already been cleared up as well as my viewpoints.

Basically, me being someone who supported Bush, I just had to dog you out a bit. ratm is for Rage Against The Machine, who were so far left in their beliefs that they probably could have been to the right with just one more step. Even though I consider my self conservative, I do like their music and their messages.

Yeah, it is hard to believe that a conservative can like the message of someone who basically supported some of the communist ideology, but I ma not one of those steadfast conservatives who can not seem to find the ability to have varying viewpoints on the different issues.

FanGirl

05-19-2005, 07:10 PM

Communism was just a red herring.

05-20-2005, 06:00 AM

Here's another one from way back when...

When I was still an MCO back in Texas, I think I had been doing it for all of three months, we had a power outage. Some guy got drunk and drove his Trans Am through a power sub-station. He car-b-qued himself and blacked out most of central Port Arthur. Our station was located right in the middle of it. And it happened about thirty minutes before the newscast. Now, the station I worked for was owned by a bunch of cheap bastards. So of course, we had no generator. We're sitting there in the in the dark when someone from the newsroom came back to the control room with a cell phone. "It's the GM... he wants to talk someone in Master Control." I take the phone and tell him we're blacked out and Entergy doesn't expect to have power back on until at least 2am. After all that, he tells me I need to put a slate up on the air and run a crawl to let the viewers at home know what was going on...

I tell him I'll get right on it as the emergency lights start to fade....

TLS

05-20-2005, 08:40 AM

And the 'G' in GM, does not stand for genius.

bwdial

05-20-2005, 11:32 AM

...if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

FanGirl

05-20-2005, 01:58 PM

My friend was friends with a couple of geniouses I swear. They are driving down the road when there oil light comes on. The know enough to look under the hood and figure out that they have a leak. None of them have any money to fix it so they decided to make a temporary fix. They start putting tootsie rolls in the oil tank. The philosophy was the rolls would melt and then harden plugging up the hole. There is a certain logic to it, but in the end the 50 cents worth of tootsie rolls did $500+ worth of damage.

jjcourtright

05-20-2005, 03:13 PM

One of my favorite teachers in high school told us an oil story once. One of his, apparently not so bright, students bought a new car. And drove it, and drove it, and drove it...until the oil light came on. "Time to have the oil changed," she thought...this was after about 100,000 miles. Her engine was obviously shot.

FanGirl

05-20-2005, 04:00 PM

I was requested to mention this one. It's so beyond stupid that I've tried to block it. My cousin decided that instead of his wife taking his last name or him that her last name that since they were forming a new family - they should have a new family name. Nothing wrong with that. It's the name they chose. Rily. Seems harmless enough. Why Rily you ask. Remember I Love You. It's okay to puke. It's happened before. The fact that they have to remember says something.

FanGirl

06-02-2005, 03:13 PM

My boss has a brand spanking new Boxter convertible. It's an automatic and not a manual. *throws up hands in air and walks away*

slizzelizzel

06-02-2005, 04:04 PM

Me- "No, Dan, do NOT draw on my face with that sharpie. I have an interview at 9:00 am and I'm going to be hungover as it is."

Stupid part:

Dan- "It's okay, they'll think you're pretty!"

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 04:12 PM

My boss has a brand spanking new Boxter convertible. It's an automatic and not a manual. *throws up hands in air and walks away*

I could see that, though- it's safer to drive while eating, smoking and talking on the phone with an automatic transmisison than it is with a manual one...

I would like to put some honorees on the list:

The lady I saw drumming on her steering wheel with two drumsticks while she was driving.

The guy I saw balancing his checkbook while driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

The guy I saw doing the crossword puzzle while driving, also while in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I swear, people in California drive, for the most part, like they are the only one on the road!

actualsize

06-02-2005, 04:44 PM

My boss has a brand spanking new Boxter convertible. It's an automatic and not a manual. *throws up hands in air and walks away*
That is a crime that should be punishable by, by, um, uh.....
...something really really bad!

The stupidist thing I ever saw on the road was a woman going 35mph in the middle lane on a wide open freeway (ahead of her.) As traffic swarmed around her on both sides, I saw that she had an electronic poker/blackjack game perched on top of the wheel, which she played with both hands. *slaps palm to forehead* {ow!}

bwdial

06-02-2005, 04:46 PM

actualsize

06-02-2005, 04:58 PM

Not THE stupidest, but close.

A joke told to me last night by my 9 year old...

What did Obi-wan say to L. Skywalker at breakfast...?
"Use the fork, Luke"

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 04:59 PM

Not THE stupidest, but close.

A joke told to me last night by my 9 year old...

What did Obi-wan say to L. Skywalker at breakfast...?
"Use the fork, Luke"

Hmm, awful, awful puns? Yeah, sounds like your daughter....;)

psychofiend

06-02-2005, 08:32 PM

At work: Let's go sexually harass the waitresses.
At school: Shit! I am going to get very intoxicated on alcohol and then smoke some marijuana tonight. (that idiot is gunna be a super-duper senior next year).
At home [yesterday]: When are you getting the croissant for shauna? (my sister said that and was wrong on so many levels. my ex is shauna, my current girlfriend is briana. and it was a croisage for prom)

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 08:34 PM

Haha- Im picturing pinning a croissant to some girl's lapel....

Denyse

06-02-2005, 08:35 PM

At work: Let's go secually harass the waitresses.
At school: Shit! I am going to get very intoxicated on alcohol and then smoke some marijuana tonight. (that idiot is gunna be a super-duper senior next year).
At home [yesterday]: When are you getting the croissant for shauna? (my sister said that and was wrong on so many levels. my ex is shauna, my current girlfriend is briana. and it was a croisage for prom)
I think that post just made my top 10. And I'm not sure I even understand it.;)

psychofiend

06-02-2005, 08:42 PM

I think that post just made my top 10. And I'm not sure I even understand it.;)
Yeah, here's another quote from my work, that applies to you foxy lady: "Would you like to go to the hot box and make whoopy?"

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 08:44 PM

Yeah, here's another quote from my work, that applies to you foxy lady: "Would you like to go to the hot box and make whoopy?"

Hey, easy on my WIFE, there, tiger...

psychofiend

06-02-2005, 08:46 PM

Hey, easy on my WIFE, there, tiger...
I found a web site where the whole plot is guys fucking other guys wives in front of them. Why is pronography unattractive, yet halarious?

psychofiend

06-02-2005, 08:49 PM

I don't know if this is funny to you guys but when i heard this i was rolling on the floor... "If it weren't for my horse, i wouldn't have spent that year in college."
http://graphics.jsonline.com/graphics/owlive/img/jun04/rate.black0625_big.jpg

slizzelizzel

06-02-2005, 08:49 PM

Haha, yeah, ruining famlies for money and sex is GREAT! Plus I'm really sure that those people are married in real life.

[/sarcasm]

Denyse

06-02-2005, 08:49 PM

Um, dude? I really am his wife.

Matt1

06-02-2005, 08:53 PM

Um, dude? I really am his wife.
Indeed you are, much to his fortune. My problem is the rest of the family tree who posts on this board. Could I get a quick breakdown of who is who and what their relation is to everyone else? I have a hard time keeping track.

psychofiend

06-02-2005, 08:54 PM

Um, dude? I really am his wife.
I really don't care. I will never meet you, and don't plan on it. Not to be mean, but i really think that with those 2 elements are enough to know i was making a FUCKING joke. You silly gooses.

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 08:55 PM

Indeed you are, much to his fortune. My problem is the rest of the family tree who posts on this board. Could I get a quick breakdown of who is who and what their relation is to everyone else? I have a hard time keeping track.

Slizzel is my brother, Denyse is my wife. That's it, as far as my relations are concerned. I'll leave it up to the others to explain who is related to whom.

Matt1

06-02-2005, 08:57 PM

But what of actualsize and Gotharella? Aren't they associated with your clan as well?

Denyse

06-02-2005, 09:00 PM

Indeed you are, much to his fortune. My problem is the rest of the family tree who posts on this board. Could I get a quick breakdown of who is who and what their relation is to everyone else? I have a hard time keeping track.

Slizzel is my Brother in law, Efex's youngest brother
Gotherella is my best friend from college days and surrogate sister
Actualsize is her husband, our friend, wedding videographer extrordinaire and Efex's new Forza buddy.

That's the only family I've got here...

Matt1

06-02-2005, 09:03 PM

Cool. Thanks for the clarification.

Denyse

06-02-2005, 09:05 PM

Gotherella is my best friend from college days and surrogate sister

I forgot Poopshoot columnist in my description. My bad.

Robbo_the_Hood

06-02-2005, 09:09 PM

Is that the lone female columnist in the Sausage-fest that is the Poopshoot writing staff?

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 09:13 PM

Is that the lone female columnist in the Sausage-fest that is the Poopshoot writing staff?

Well, I think she is the only female columnist now...she writes the "All Ages" column.

Mighty Wingman

06-02-2005, 09:14 PM

Kim , Alison , that's three, by my count.

Efexeye

06-02-2005, 09:18 PM

Kim , Alison , that's three, by my count.

Whoops- my bad, I haven't actually been to the site itself in a year and a half...there I go talking out of my ass again....

Gotherella

06-02-2005, 09:33 PM

Gotherella is my best friend from college days and surrogate sister
...and we keep each other's secrets. ;)

Do Fangirl, Karma, and Zens count? They were there the night D and Effexeye met in Chicago. I count Fangirl as family 'cause the girls think of her as an aunt. And Zens is the far away aunt that they see once a year.

I think I may have been the only female columnist for a while, but Kim Morgan is writing "Strange Impersonation" now, and she's pretty damn good. Our column (I write it with my two daughters) has been on hiatus during the school year, but we should be back for summer. Does anyone actually read it? I only got a few emails.

Edit: Sorry, forgot Allison, who does International Intrigue and is also a damn good writer.