Did you ever have to make up your mind..

[Droogan_Leader]

..to say yes to one and leave the other behind?

This is killing me. I know one girl who I'm not so attracted to physically, who I talk to like a sister, who I could tell anything, and another girl who I'd like to get to know better, who I know enough about to know she's okay, but there isn't as much chemistry. It's not that she and I collide, it just doesn't seem as sweet.

I'm not super picky, I just want to feel comfortable talking to a girl, share a certain rapport, and be attracted to her as well. I can't make myself be attracted to someone who isn't attractive to me, can I? Is chemistry enough? Has it been enough for any of you? I put it before looks, but ultimately, I can't make the final leap without being able to truthfully say I really do think "so and so" is beautiful.

So, any thoughts?

[jjcourtright]

I'm shallow...guess what my response will be.

[Efexeye]

..to say yes to one and leave the other behind?

This is killing me. I know one girl who I'm not so attracted to physically, who I talk to like a sister, who I could tell anything, and another girl who I'd like to get to know better, who I know enough about to know she's okay, but there isn't as much chemistry. It's not that she and I collide, it just doesn't seem as sweet.

I'm not super picky, I just want to feel comfortable talking to a girl, share a certain rapport, and be attracted to her as well. I can't make myself be attracted to someone who isn't attractive to me, can I? Is chemistry enough? Has it been enough for any of you? I put it before looks, but ultimately, I can't make the final leap without being able to truthfully say I really do think "so and so" is beautiful.

So, any thoughts?

Everyone's physical beauty fades, or, as one of my brothers likes to put it, everyone either gets fat or wrinkled as they get older. Physical attraction fades, too- if you had sex with what you thought was the hottest girl in the world, eventually, you'd get tired of it not matter how hot she was.

Go for the mental connection.

[Droogan_Leader]

Ya know, I've had girls tell me I was shallow before, because I tried to spare them their feelings by shying away, as opposed to coming out and saying, "You eat like a pig, and you look like one too." If I'm shallow, so be it. If I'm too picky, so be that too, but I know the value of having both some beauty outside and inside.

And, if you are going to be anything, it's better to be ugly inside--at least that can change with effort. How's that for shallow, or rather, brute honesty? ;)

[Droogan_Leader]

Everyone's physical beauty fades, or, as one of my brothers likes to put it, everyone either gets fat or wrinkled as they get older. Physical attraction fades, too- if you had sex with what you thought was the hottest girl in the world, eventually, you'd get tired of it not matter how hot she was.

Go for the mental connection.

My heart says that, but how do you get your head to go along with it? I might have set the bar too high from day 1, but if I'm not attracted to her, how can I honestly say I am? Girls want to be told they're beautiful.

[jjcourtright]

I'm right there with you. By the time attractiveness fades...I'll be in the same boat. I figure my eventual uglyness will take the place of my current shallowness.

[Efexeye]

Ya know, I've had girls tell me I was shallow before, because I tried to spare them their feelings by shying away, as opposed to coming out and saying, "You eat like a pig, and you look like one too." If I'm shallow, so be it. If I'm too picky, so be that too, but I know the value of having both some beauty outside and inside.

And, if you are going to be anything, it's better to be ugly inside--at least that can change with effort. How's that for shallow, or rather, brute honesty? ;)

Wow. Just, wow. I hope that winky means that what you posted wasn't serious, because saying that it's better to be ugly on the inside than on the outside is a terrible, terrible thing to say.

I've dated gorgeous girls that were the biggest bitches in the world, and no matter how good it feels to have that fine piece of eye-candy on your arm, no amount of good looks can compensate for a rotten inside.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, and assuming you were kidding.

[Efexeye]

My heart says that, but how do you get your head to go along with it? I might have set the bar too high from day 1, but if I'm not attracted to her, how can I honestly say I am? Girls want to be told they're beautiful.

Ask yourself- who are you to be so critical of someone's looks? Ben Affleck? George Clooney? Brad Pitt?

As far as girls wanting to be told they're beautiful, sure, I'll grant that no one wants to think they are ugly. But beauty comes from within, not from without. Beauty really is only skin-deep, to use a trite cliche. The girls I've dated that were beautiful spent 2 or 3 hours a day keeping themselves that way- personally, I wouldn't ever want to be with someone again who is that insecure.

[Droogan_Leader]

Well, it is in jest, but even so, ugly is too strong a word--jj's post sums it up nicely. I think people grow wiser with age and hence more 'beautiful' inside. They also grow uglier outside with time, but all that doesn't help me right here and now.

Sorry to come off sounding so shallow--I hope everyone else takes it in the best way--I'm not exactly dismissive in either situation--it's a struggle I'm trying to wrap my brain around, because I want both--I value both, as any sane person does--it just seems in this case that chemistry isn't as easy to come by with the girl I'm physically attracted to, and I'm a little scared it might never come. I respond quickest to people I hit it off with from the start; I'm not used to chasing after the hottest girls for their looks--hence my dilemma. If you have the outer 'canvas' you want, and things aren't so dead-sure regarding how you'll jive 5 months down the line, well, that's what is at stake here.

[Efexeye]

You will be much happier, in the long run, if you feed your soul and mind with the girl you can relate to, rather than feeding your ego with the hot one.

As far as physical attraction- it isn't something that can be cultivated. If you aren't attracted to this person physically now, chances are you won't ever be attracted to them physically. You just have to decide if the short run and your ego or the long run and your soul are more important.

[jjcourtright]

Your ego...or your soul?

[Laughs maniacally]

[Droogan_Leader]

Ask yourself- who are you to be so critical of someone's looks? Ben Affleck? George Clooney? Brad Pitt?

As far as girls wanting to be told they're beautiful, sure, I'll grant that no one wants to think they are ugly. But beauty comes from within, not from without. Beauty really is only skin-deep, to use a trite cliche. The girls I've dated that were beautiful spent 2 or 3 hours a day keeping themselves that way- personally, I wouldn't ever want to be with someone again who is that insecure.

Dude, dude. I have a rule--I don't expect anyone to alter themselves in any way for me. If they're not sufficient as is (we don't get along or I'm not attracted to her), I walk away--usually. I'm not making a line in the sand about looks. This is all a question of degrees--with BOTH girls. That's what's got my head spinning. I'm not saying girls have to look a certain way--but I have to be true to myself and true to the girl--I think that's fair--wouldn't you (and the rest) say so?

[karmattack]

Here's my take, Droog. Attraction is just one single thing and you either have it or you don't. That special attraction is what separates friends from lovers, end of story. Get where I'm going? Plus, I've learned to be physically attracted to girls who I wasn't drawn to at first, because I admired them so much mentally. When you look at that girl and aren't attracted to her, there might also be something keeping the mental attraction off that level too. Maybe? Don't go into a relationship without that "special thing" that just draws you like a magnet to that person because WHEN you fight, that's going to be the thing that brings you back. It's not going to be the stuff that you can put on a checklist. And you're allowed to have whatever standards you have because that's you, and your needs. Just keep in mind that all of life relies on a balance.

[Gotherella]

Don't go for either one -- keep looking for the right girl. You definitely want the mental/emotional connection, but the chemistry has to be there, too.

Chemistry is a very peculiar thing -- I dated guys who my friends thought were lunchmeat but I thought they were hot as hell.

[DarthMaulRat]

Go Mormon and marry both of em'.

I'd like to say something meaningful, but most of it has been said already.

[Denyse]

I dated guys who my friends thought were lunchmeat but I thought they were hot as hell.

Lunchmeat implies that they were tasty...;). They made you happy, which is all we cared about!

NOTE: The post above was a joke, and is intended for humor and levity only. For the record, I can't think of a single guy she ever dated who wasn't hot, including her perma-boyfriend (husband unit). Even if one of them did resemble a classic horror movie character...:D

[FanGirl]

You can meet hot people whom you have a ton in common with, but if there is no chemistry there is no chemistry. I mean look at the guys on this board I've met in person. All of them hotties (I was going to add an especially so and so, but that will only get me into trouble) and all of them I got along with on practically every level, but no chemistry. It's an either you have it or you don't kind of thing. That's my two cents.

[Droogan_Leader]

Thanks to everyone who chimed in, especially you ladies. It's nice to know what other guys think, but there's no way to know the female mind, except from female friends :) Not to demean the guys on here who talked it up--thanks all for your advice.

[Matthew]

If you aren't attracted to this person physically now, chances are you won't ever be attracted to them physically.

I have experienced the exact opposite. There are people who I think are plain, and as I get to know them become more and more beautiful. I have also experienced the opposite, a woman who appears beautiful, then you get to know the heart, and she becomes very ugly.

There needs to be a physical attraction of course, but dismissing a relationship just becuase that attraction is not immediate is what shallowness in my opinion.


@Droogan
I am curious, what about this girl that you like like a sister bothers you? Overweight? Acne? Facial hair?

Just curious, because those are all things that can change.

AND, about the second girl, what about her do you want? If you are wanting more from this girl just because she is hot, what part of your body are you thinking with?

[Droogan_Leader]

@Droogan
I am curious, what about this girl that you like like a sister bothers you? Overweight? Acne? Facial hair?

Just curious, because those are all things that can change.

AND, about the second girl, what about her do you want? If you are wanting more from this girl just because she is hot, what part of your body are you thinking with?

To be honest, what I don't like [and it can change]:

1. She is a little chubby, but that's not that big of a deal to me. I don't like cosmo girls who look like they'd blow away in a strong breeze.

2. She just strikes me more as a childhood friend than a romance. She's 18, I'm 24, so that's to be expected. I don't know how much of it's me, but just suffice it to say there's some growing she has to do.

3. And finally and most importantly, the FACE. To me, that is outer beauty defined. Some guys are ass men, some are legs men, some are breast men. Some are face men. I like to take into account the whole package, but the deal breaker is the face--if I don't think your face is pretty, I can't EVER be attracted to you, and I dunno, I'm just kinda bleh about her in that regard.

And about the second girl? Well, she's very well-mannered and she hasn't opened up to me yet. I'm kinda modest, she is too, and we haven't gotten a lot of time to hang out yet. I get kinda antsy sometimes, and thinking about this for a while after posting it while I was out cutting the grass, I realized I hadn't really given her a fair shot in that regard.

But as for looks, she's smokin', and a brotha's got to come to terms with that. I just don't want to pursue her prematurely and give up what maybe was better. I'm just thinking through my options.

And yes, I am a good boy, but I do think with both heads sometimes. To borrow a line from Seneca, humanum est. I don't let my dick guide me exactly, so I'm not worried when I'm attracted to someone, unless I see absolutely NO chemistry--then I might start to wonder about my motives.

[Razorback]

Love is not the surface... it is the little things that move our hearts.

Ah, God, the way your little finger moved
As you thrust a bare arm backward
And made play with your hair
And a comb a silly gilt comb
Ah, God—that I should suffer
Because of the way a little finger moved.

--Stephen Crane

[Matthew]

I just don't want to pursue her prematurely

Have you tried Viagra? :)


Seriously man, don't go for #2 just due that she is smoken! If she opens up more and is as beautiful inside as out, then I would say go for it!

As far as the first girl, What about her face? The reason I ask is for me the #1 key is eyes. Eyes show everything about a person. I do understand what you are saying, and for now maybe it is in your best interest and hers to keep it where it is at.

[jjcourtright]

Lunchmeat implies that they were tasty...;). They made you happy, which is all we cared about!

NOTE: The post above was a joke, and is intended for humor and levity only. For the record, I can't think of a single guy she ever dated who wasn't hot, including her perma-boyfriend (husband unit). Even if one of them did resemble a classic horror movie character...:DWait...Gotherella dated John Kerry?

[slizzelizzel]

http://rwyouth.com/images/articles/johnkerry.jpg