What?

[marksiwel]

I wanted to go out to eat with a friend of mine from work. I am a male, she is a female. I have a girlfriend, she has a boyfriend.

According to my co-workers, it would be wrong for the two of us to go to lunch together, without another person being there.

Why?
I just want to be friends with this girl. I am hoping she wants to be friends with me. Also I like one on one conversations, no one feels left out.

My girlfriend agrees with my co-workers saying that someone else should come along, or I should atleast call and tell her (my gf) that I am going to a meal with a girl.

Why?
I am a person, she is a person, we is hungry, whats the problem?

[Matthew]

The problem is WHY you want to go out.

The reason is you are not hungry for food, if that were the case you would hop in the car with 3 or 4 people and go eat.

If you did not have an attraction for this woman, you would not mind either your gf or her bf (or both) coming along.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with anyone, but you need to include your significant others in the decision. Start by going out together a few times, allow all 4 to become friends. Then when all guard is down, and all trust each other, it will be ok for you to bang ... err... go out for lunch with this other girl.

[ozchick]

All you need to know is right here:

Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

[Dave]

What Harry says is true. It depends on how strong the relationship is with your girl. There is nothing wrong with going out to lunch with this girl, but you should tell your girlfriend when you do it. That way, it doesn't look like you have done anything on the sly. It seems like you've already talked to her about it, so that's good.

[BAMSS04]

That pretty accurate. Unless, you were friends with the women before you you met your girlfriend because then she already met the women. Has your girl met this "Friend"? Maybe they should meet? Then, you could all be friends.

[karmattack]

Yeah, nix the alone lunches. It's not a healthy thing.

[Denyse]

If you really just want to be friends with her and you both have significant others, why not make it a double date. No mixed signals and no one gets left out.

[marksiwel]

Problem
My girlfriend lives out of town.
Her boyfriend works alot.
If somehow they could come, or one of them could come, I would have no problem. Its just half the time, I am girl-friendless the same time she is boy-friendless.
Also we work together, so does that mean we cant take a lunch together during our lunch breaks.
Why would you assume I wouldnt tell my girlfriend? Now I shouldnt HAVE to tell her before hand, but I will tell her in a timely fashion.
Finally I want to go to lunch with another girl, because I have friends who are girls, and I like going out to eat. Simple as that

Also its not about JUST ME, its about MEN everywhere.

[karmattack]

And speaking as a man for men everywhere, you only made the case stronger to not go out to lunch with her. /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

Seriously, it's a bad move for you and your relationship.

[karmattack]

Here, I'll actually lay it out and stop being vague.

First off, your girlfriend already showed you her discomfort. You need to read this as way, way stronger than she actually expressed to you. If you build a relationship with this other girl without your girlfriend being involved every step of the way, you are dead in the water. This new girl needs to be just as good of friends with your partner or it won't work. It's a trust issue, and you are already testing her trust whether you realize it or not by pressing this issue. Any normal woman would be trying to figure out what the big deal is and why she can't provide for you what this new lady can, or what your big interest is.

I shouldn't have to go beyond this, but I will if thar be need.

[Robbo_the_Hood]

My girlfriend has tons of friend-boys, most of whom are little geeky guys that don't threaten me. She goes to eat with them on occasion, and a few male co-workers (especially when it wasn't common knowledge she and I were dating yet) would take her out to lunch as well. I'm secure in our relationship, so it doesn't bother me.

The real issue may be clearing it with her boyfriend rather than your girlfriend.

Just a little something from the other side.

[Dave]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Its just half the time, I am girl-friendless the same time she is boy-friendless.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think the is the Key to the equation. It looks like you are using each other as surrogate boyfriend/girlfriends. If that is the case, then deeper feelings are bound to develop by one or both of you guys, so watch out for that. It would really be better if a group of you went out to lunch together, honestly.

[marksiwel]

Okay then, but after acouple of "double dates" would it then be okay for me to go to lunch with a girl alone?

Also do the rules change if she is single and I am not?

[FanGirl]

I'm sure I've broken all kinds of protocal. When I'm ready to go to lunch I ask whoever happens to be around to see who wants to grab some food. I don't think about if they have a girlfriend or wife before I do it. It's not meant like that. It's mean like "I don't want to eat alone, you're a warm body - are you free?" One of my lunch buddies is a guy and he has a girlfriend. I have lunch with him all the time and it's never become an issue.

I wouldn't have a problem with my hypothetical boyfriend eating luch with his co-worker or co-workers. It doesn't matter to me. It's just lunch and it's just to have someone to hang out with while you eat. I mean should I acquire a boyfriend, I'm still going to eat lunch with my fellow co-workers no matter their relationship status.

[ratm1966]

In regards to this subject, I am kind of like FanGirl. When at work, I just ask whoever is available if they want to go to work.

However, I also see everyone else's arguments, because no matter how innocent the lunch is, significant others as well as co-workers will blow everything out of proportion. Is this right? No, but it is the way the world works.

My advice? Go to friggin' lunch with her and if your girl friend can't trust you, then she obviously wasn't the right girl.

[Razorback]

The problem isn't that you are going out with a girl for lunch... the problem is that you see a problem in having another person with you or that you don't think you should have to call your girlfriend to tell her.

See, that means you are hiding something you CHEATER! /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

[bwdial]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
When at work, I just ask whoever is available if they want to go to work.

[/ QUOTE ]

This seems vaguely Freudian, but I'm not sure why. /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

[ratm1966]

LUNCH! I meant lunch dammit!

Yeah, I messed up.

[TLS]

I go out to eat with chicks from my work all the time and my fiance doesn't care. /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

Oh, your girlfriend cares because you are going out with another girl. Well, if my man went out to lunch alone with another girl I guess I'd be a little jealous. Well, really it depends on the girl. If it's his sister or someone I know to not be a threat to me, then hey I'm fine.

Though I kinda understand why you prefer to eat with this girl alone. If you both are already friends then you've probably already developed a certain way you act around each other. When significant others are around sometimes makes people act different. I'm not sure why, I'm still trying to figure out why my best friend acts different when his gf hangs out with us. I guess it's mostly the whispering and giggling they do that bothers me, but I disgard there actions for the relationship is still somewhat new.

Anyway, I'm guessing that the problem is that your girlfriend may feel threatened by this other girl in some way. Once she meets her and sees for herself that there's nothing going on between you two, then she'll most likely not mind as much. But for now, since your gf clearly has shown some concern, I would hold off on the one on one lunches with this girl.

[Matthew]

Shouldn't you act the same around everyone though? (Besides the job interview face, or the first few weeks on a job.)

There would be a lot less confusion of there weren't the "relationship TLS" and the "Friend TLS"

I don't really understand the different faces mentality. I act the same around everyone.


I am always an [censored] /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

[TLS]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Shouldn't you act the same around everyone though? (Besides the job interview face, or the first few weeks on a job.)


[/ QUOTE ]
Yes I think so too. That is why I really don't understand why my friend acts different around me when he's with his girlfriend, than when we are just hanging out by ourselves. I didn't mean to imply that people should act different around certain people, just acknowledging that it does happen.
</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
I am always an [censored]

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, you are. /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

[jjcourtright]

I eat lunch by myself. I have no need for companionship.

[Razorback]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
There would be a lot less confusion of there weren't the "relationship TLS" and the "Friend TLS"

[/ QUOTE ]

Most people adapt their personalities to the situation. I actually think it is more "fake" to pretend to just be who you are ("I am who I am") than admitting that you change your personality based on who you are with or where you are.

If you are the same way all the time then you probably end up in a lot of trouble or have a quiet personality to begin with and no one notices you.

[Matt1]

If I was your girlfriend I would have no problem with it. However, I am not (sorry by the way) and have no idea what kind of person your girlfriend is. Is she horribly insecure, ultra-possessive, just your standard girl who feels slightly threatened by some unknown girl taking her guy out to eat on a regular basis, etc.? Also, what kind of guy are you? Does she have good reason to think you might be a cheat? Without this pertinent information, any advice I could give might be worthless.

[jjcourtright]

The ultimate question: Is the lunch date attractive? If she is, you probably shouldn't go with her. If she has some sort of horrible disfigurement, you're probably cool. If she lies somewhere in between, than your answer also lies somewhere in between.

[karmattack]

That's a key. Friendship = a relationship - physical attraction. I mean, I know it's a crazy idea, but I have tons of platonic attraction to several guys in my life, but since I am physically unable to find them attractive....we haven't dated. If there is a chance, marks...iwel, that you'd be attracted to this girl, it's just a "no-way" plain and simple.

And seriously, peoples, it's not controlling or paranoid for a partner to be uncomfortable or skeptical about opposite sex friendships that form during the relationship. A lifelong friendship that was there before your partner (and your partner is fully able to be just as good of friends with the person)? No biggie. And there are other situations where it's nothing to think about. Ask any spiritual leader and they'll tell you pretty much the same thing. Even if it's a very small amount, if you and a member of the opposite sex are giving each other "special," and in your case "exclusive" treatment, there is attraction there from one or both sides and your spirit and relationship will suffer for it whether your recognize it or not.

If this girl were to become single how would you feel about hooking her up with one of your single friends?

I hope you didn't hesitate for a second answering that. /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

[Matthew]

I disagree. Yes, there are times you show more tact than others, or times when you may be a little more wild than normal, but all in all, adapting of personality is really a lie imo. If you have to have personality A with this person, and personality B with another, and so on, this is really dishonesty.

[marksiwel]

Well yeah I think she is good looking, but I have alot of good looking friends who are girls (friend-girls as I say).
But just because she is hot that doesnt mean that I am going to cheat on my girlfriend, that would be wrong. I just wanted to go out to eat with someone who I only see at work,in a non work setting.

Also its not like others arent invited, just at the time no one else was able to go.

[karmattack]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
I just want to be friends with this girl. I am hoping she wants to be friends with me. Also I like one on one conversations, no one feels left out.


[/ QUOTE ] Sorry, I'm just going on that.

[Omaru]

at lunchtime I just gently slip into whatever seat in the eating area and evesdrop, usually though I'm sitting with my workfriends. Like mark there's someone I'd like to just ask to go get food with but I can't cause she's with someone, I'm not but I'd morally hate to come between them, not that I'd even pose a threat, but you get the idea.

[DangerSeeker]

Acting different is not a matter of honesty, it's a matter of chemistry. My girlfriend and I, when alone, get shmoopy because we can't at work or around our friends, but it's honest. When we're hanging out with the group, it depends who is there. Is it a frantic pop-culture conversation? Is it slow and reasoned out?

It depends on who is there, because the mix of personalities is different, so the conversation finds its own rhythm. THe elements that pull me to one friend or group may be something different than what I have in common with another friend or group. I'm multi-faceted enough that my friends tend to be of diverse nature, and my interaction with them is appropriate to that interaction. Nothing false or unnatural about it.

As for the lunch situation, it's a big deal because it's a big deal. If you'd been going to lunch and she joined you, had a pleasant harmless conversation, got back to work, and not really thought much about it, there'd be nothing to worry about. Since you are worrying, there's something to worry about. Right now I'm guessing part of you wants one of us to come up with a good logical reason to give your girlfriend why it's okay to go to lunch with the girl. If you can't do that on your own, you shouldn't go to lunch with her.

[Matthew]

We could come up with a good reason,

OOH OOH Mark, I GOT ONE!

But honey, I have to go to lunch with her, she PROMISED me a bj.