some scripts for my sketch comedy

[BUDDY_CHRIST]

here's one with a 2004 version of the old classic 50's sitcom, Father Knows Best.


Zack - Jim Anderson
Matt - Margaret (yea, my brothers playing a chick...no he's not gay...)
Paul (thats me) - Bud
Sarah - Kathy
Sammy - Barry
Rachel - Grandma

JIM: Honey, I’m home! (walks in, takes off sports jacket,
and puts on sweater)

MARGARET: Ohh hey honey! (kisses) How was you’re day?

JIM: It was splendid, I’ll tell you about it at dinner. (to
kids) OH KIDS! I’m home!

KATHY: Hey Mom! Hey Dad! Guess what! I’m pregnant!

JIM: Awww. Look at that, dear, she’s pretending to be a
pregnant mother, isn’t that cute?

KATHY: Who’s pretending? (points at belly) I’m pregnant!

JIM: Is that a basketball under you’re shirt or something?

KATHY: NO! (shows that it’s really her belly)

JIM: WOAH! She...she really is pregnant! BUT HOW? HOW DO
YOU KNOW WHAT SEX IS? YOU’RE ONLY 11!

KATHY: I learned what sex is in school..

MARGARET: WHAT A HORRIBLE SCHOOL! Teaching kids what sex
is..they should learn that when they’re 30!

KATHY: Why?

MARGARET: They just should! Now you’re pregnant and there’s
no stopping it!

KATHY: Yes there is. I can get an abortion!

JIM: A what?

KATHY: An ABORTION! I go to a doctor and get the baby
KILLED! It’s what every teenage girl does when they get
pregnant!

JIM: That sounds TERRIBLE!
MARGARET: Well who’s going to be the father?

KATHY: His name is Barry.

MARGARET: He sounds like a good guy. He’s coming over
tonight!

BUD: (enters, stoned with wet pants) KATHY! I like heard
about you....uhh.....you uhh......getting......a baby in
you’re stomach!

MARGARET: (smiling) Oh Bud, did you go wee-wee in you’re
pants?

JIM: HAHA! Looks like somebody needs to go back to potty
training!

BUD: Wha? (looks down) OH! Yeah...sorry, I’m just really
**beeped** up right now.

MARGARET: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?

BUD: Nothing...

JIM: Wait is that a cigarette in you’re mouth?

BUD: Uh no dude...this is marijuana...

JIM: Oh...alright....what’s that?

BUD: Nevermind.

JIM: No tell me!

BUD: Uhh.....so Kathy who’s this guy that banged you?

JIM: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?!

KATHY: His name’s Barry!

BUD: Well I’m gonna kick that guys ass for getting my
sister pregnant!!!

MARGARET: Bud! You know better than to fight!

BUD: I know...but not when I’m high on PCP...

MARGARET: What’s PCP?

BUD: Uhh...Pancakes...Coffee...and uhh...Potatoes.....

MARGARET: Well I guess no more pancakes, coffee or potatoes
for you!

BUD: I’m gonna go....(leaves)

KATHY: WELL! Barry is coming over tonight for dinner!

MARGARET: Oh I don’t know, dear. You’re grandmother is
coming over tonight!

GRANDMOTHER: (walks in, looking like a young lady with no
wrinkles or grey hair or anything old looking) HEY
EVERYBODY!

MARGARET: ..who the g-darn heck are you?

GRANDMOTHER: I’m you’re mother!

MARGARET: No you aren’t, you’re like 20.

GRANDMOTHER: Yeah but thanks to countless injections of
botulism toxins, nose jobs, facelifts, tummy tucks, chemical
peels, and liposuction, I look so much younger and better!

MARGARET: Oh...okay....

BARRY: (enters) YO YO YO HOMIES WHAT’S CRACKALACKIN’???

JIM: Umm....I beg you’re pardon?

BARRY: I said “yo yo yo homies what’s crackalackin’?”

JIM: What’s that mean?

BARRY: It means “Hey what’s up?”

JIM: I don’t get it. Who are you?

BARRY: I’m Barry, the G who broke you’re daughter OFF and
got her pregnant!

BUD: (runs in) OK BUCKO!!! You did it with my sister?!?!
I’m gonna kick you’re ass!

BARRY: Oh...I’m sure you can!

BUD: I CAN! I’M HIGH ON PCP RIGHT NOW, SO YOU DON’T WANNA
MESS WITH ME!!!

BARRY: You don’t wanna mess with me, BRO! I’ve been to jail
25 times for murder! That’s why they call me B-Murder!

BUD: I usually wouldn’t wanna mess with somebody with a
criminal record like yours....but I’m high on PCP right now,
so that’s a WHOLE OTHER story!

MARGARET: Don’t you have anything to say to them, Jim?

JIM: Uhhh....ah screw it, I got nothing to do this is
impossible...

THE END!

[BUDDY_CHRIST]

u know how people always fight over which religion is right? well heres a script with people doing that...literally...on pay per view.


The Holy War

Paul - Bernie Heimenberg (Jew)
Matt - Matthew Christopher (Priest)
Luke - Asif Abulia (Muslim)
Zack - Damien Miroslav (Satanist)
Sarah - Announcer 1
Chris - Announcer 2
Sammy - Referee

ANNOUNCER 1: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! You’re
watching the HOLY WAR! A battle for the ages of 4 dedicated
followers of different religons, DUKIN’ IT OUT! Each 4 will
speak for their entire religion, so if you lose, you let
your religion down!

ANNOUNCER 2: That’s right, Sarah! Why don’t we take a look
at our fighters?

(show Bernie)

ANNOUNCER 1: We have Bernie Heimenberg, a dedicated
Orthodox Jew. He never mixes dairy with meat and he can spot
a penny from a mile away!

(show Matthew)

ANNOUNCER 2: That’s right, and we also have Matthew
Christopher, a Catholic priest. His life is 100% dedicated
to Jesus.

(Show Asif)

ANNOUNCER 1: We also have Muslim Asif Abulia, a follower of
Allah and Muhammad and is NEVER in a room alone with a woman
he’s not married too!

(show Damien)

ANNOUNCER 2: Last off, we have Damien Miroslav. A ritual
satanist. He has a fetish for blood and enjoys listening to
Ozzy Osbourne and Slayer.

(show referee in ring, with Bernie about to wrestle with
Matthew)

REFEREE: We have Bernie the Jew and Matthew the Christian
starting off the battle. The winner will play the next
person so let’s get READY TO RUMBLLEEE!!!

MATTHEW: This is for killing Jesus!

BERNIE: This is for the crusades! I’ll kick you’re
Christian tuchis!

MATTHEW: Yeah? Not if I kick YOU’RE gosh darn rear end
first!

BOTH: (charge at each other and wrestle)

BERNIE: You shmuck!

MATTHEW: Christ killer!

BERNIE: (flips Matthew over)

ANNOUNCER 1: Did you see that Sarah? Bernie FLIPPED Matthew
over! But Matthew’s standin’ right back up!

MATTHEW: JESUS IS WHO YOU SHOULD PRAISE!

BERNIE: Oy, for the love of Abraham...

MATTHEW: (looks to side) Hey is that a penny behind you?

BERNIE: (turns around and bends over) WHERE?

MATTHEW: (jumps on Bernie, having him fall on the floor)

ANNOUNCER 2: Looks like Matthew knows just how to fool a
Jew!

REFEREE: (goes up to them hits the floor) 1! 2!

BERNIE: (gets up) You shlemil! Alright Christian, I’ve had
enough of you! (headlocks him and holds him on the floor)

REFEREE: (goes up and hits floor) 1! 2! 3! (holds Bernies
hand up) AND BERNIE HEIMENBERG WINS! VICTORY FOR THE JEWS!

ANNOUNCER 1: That was an amazing match, a battle for the
ages! But now, Bernie has to battle Asif Abulia of the
Muslims!

ASIF: (enters ring)

REFEREE: So now we have Bernie vs Asif! Jew vs Muslim! Sooo
LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMBBLLEEE!!!

ASIF: THIS...is for persecuting my people in Israel!

BERNIE: Oh yeah? Well this is for you’re attacks on this
great nation! And I kicked the crap out of the Christian goy
and I’ll kick the crap out of you’re Islamic ass!

BOTH: (charge at each other)

ASIF: (punches Bernie in the stomach)

BERNIE: Ouch! That hurt, schlock!

ASIF: Yeah no crap!

BERNIE: (knees Asif in the balls) How ya like them apples?

ASIF: (grabs balls) owwwwwww!

BERNIE: KOSHER apples!

ASIF: (grabs chair and wacks Bernie with it)

BERNIE: (falls on floor and Asif holds him down)

REFEREE: 1! 2! 3! (holds up Asifs hand) AND ASIF WINS!
VICTORY FOR THE MUSLIMS!

ANNOUNCER 2: That was amazing! And now for the grand
finale! Asif will battle Damien Miroslav, the Satanist!

ANNOUNCER 1: This might be hard, Damien might just cast
some spells on Asif!

REFEREE: And now...the final battle...Damien vs Asif! A
satanist vs a Muslim! Soooo let’s get READY TO
RUMMMBBLLLEEEE!!!!

ASIF: Alright, you infidelic [censored]! Come and get me!

DAMIEN: (closes eyes and holds up ‘devil horn hand symbol’)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ASIF: What the hell was that? You just screamed! (attempts
to walk over and trips) OW! (gets up and holds leg) What the
hell? My LEG’S BROKEN!

DAMIEN: Mwahaha! I cast a spell on you! And I hope to win
against you fools, worshipping God! You’re all ignorant!
SATAN IS MY MASTER!

ASIF: (limps over and punches Damien in the balls)

DAMIEN: (holds devil horns out at Asif making him fall
over, then holds him down)

REFEREE: 1!..

ASIF: (gets up) THAT’S IT! I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THIS BUT NOW
ITS MY ONLY CHOICE! (pulls a bunch of bombs out from under
his robe and throws it at him, it explodes)

REFEREE: (goes up to Asif, looking all black and ashy, and
holds his hand up) AND THE MUSLIMS WIN THE HOLY WAR! (gives
Asif a prize-belt)

ASIF: HOORAY!!!!

ANNOUNCER1: WELL! Victory for the Muslims! Well goodnight
ladies and gentlemen! I hope you enjoyed(chris comes in) the
Holy War!


and no, i'm not a muslim...i just had him win so i can throw in those terrorist jokes.

[BUDDY_CHRIST]

AND NOW. one more script. it's about these 2 hunting rednecks named Barney & Cletus.


UNDERCOVER KILLERS OF INNOCENT CREATURES

SCENE 1: South America

CLETUS: Hey people I’m Cletus and I’m here with my brother,
Barney and we’re here in Brazil, South America. Not to be
confused with SOUTHERN America that Barney and I live in.
We’re near the Amazon.

BARNEY: But we ain’t here to donate money to the poor
people or anything!

CLETUS: Yeah cuz we poorer than THEM!

BARNEY: We’re here to do what we do best in an animal
habitat.

BARNEY & CLETUS: (pulls out shot guns) KILL SOME ANIMALS!

BARNEY: Cuz you’re watching

(show title)

BARNEY & CLETUS: THE UNDERCOVER KILLERS OF INNOCENT
CREATURES

CLETUS: In the Amazon.

BARNEY: Right and while we’re at it we’re gonna find the
people who run the site, Amazon.com, because I hear people
talkin’ bout that site..and since Cletus and I don’t own a
computer, we’re gonna buy stuff in the ACTUAL STORE! Cool
huh? Well before we do that, let’s go down the Amazon.com
river and find some animals to murder.

(gets into boat and paddles)

SCENE 2: More into the jungle

CLETUS: Well we’re more into the jungle now. Let’s see what
animals they have out here....Like the MONKEY OVER THERE!
(paddles over and sees monkey)

BARNEY: (gets out) That’s a cappuchin monkey. It’s pretty
odd that these are on the forest floor, they usually are on
the canopy or the understory. Anyways, look at him...awww
you’re such a cute little monkey...BUT YER GONNA DIE!!!
(shoots the monkey)

MONKEY: AHHHH

BARNEY: I killed the monkey Cletus! (picks it up and puts
it in a Walmart bag)

CLETUS: Good job Barney!

BARNEY: Anyways theres lot’s more animals we
can kill, let’s see what else we have.

SCENE 2: Diff part of the jungle, they see Kermit The Frog

BARNEY: LOOK CLETUS!

KERMIT: Oh, hi ho! I’m Kermit The Frog. Down here in South
America, there are a lot of frogs. Some of them are
poisonous though.

CLETUS: (shoots Kermit) HAHAHA! I GOT THAT...what's it called...that green thing...!

BARNEY: frog?

CLETUS: YEAH!

KERMIT: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? YOU WHITE TRASH
BASTARDS!

CLETUS: He ain’t dead yet. (shoots him again)

KERMIT: (dies)

CLETUS: WOO! I KILLED GREEN FROG THINGY! (picks it up) Where we gonna go now?

BARNEY: Let me look on the map (looks at map)...hmm, it
says that if we keep on going that way, we’d reach the Negro
river

CLETUS: Negro river? You mean like black folks?

BARNEY: Heyy if there’s alot of black folks over there,
maybe they can FRY these critters!

CLETUS: Dat would taste goood! Fried frog legs! And a fried
monkey!

BARNEY: Yeah then let’s go to the Negro river! (takes
Kermit over to boat and puts it in then paddles away with
Cletus)

SCENE 4: Negro River

BARNEY: Well here we are at the Negro river, but there’s no
black people.

CLETUS: I’m sure there’s other animals out here though.
(Him and Barney walk to a clearing)

BARNEY: Yeah and I’m sure we’d find the amazon.com store.

CLETUS: Why would we do that if we aren’t at that river no
more?

BARNEY: Oh crap.

CLETUS: WAIT BARNEY! LOOK! A DONKEY!

BARNEY: (shoots the donkey) WOO! That’d be good!

BRAZILIAN FARMER: (comes out frustrated) KAY ES INCORRECTO
CON USTED? CUSTED TIRÓ A MI BURRO! ÉL ERA MI MEJOR AMIGO!

BARNEY & CLETUS: (look at each other while he’s talking and
shrug)

BARNEY: Ole amigo! Do you know where the Amazon.com store
is?

FARMER: Kay?

BARNEY: The Amazon.com store!

FARMER: Kay?

BARNEY: Nevermind!

FARMER: ....Kay?

BARNEY: CLETUS! A CONDOR!

CONDOR: (sits on tree)

BARNEY: Now folks at home, condors are the most endangered
birds ever, but I’m sure it’d be good roasted.

CLETUS: You got that damn right! (shoots the condor)

POLICE OFFICER: (goes up to Barney & Cletus) OK you two!
I’ve been hearing you’ve been killing some endangered
species.

BARNEY: Umm...

POLICE: You’re not supposed to be killing these things.
You’re coming with me!

BARNEY: Uhh....(shoots the cop) GOD DAMN DEMOCRAT!!!
Anyways, we’ll see you next time, hunting, and killing on
the Undercover Killing Of Innocent Creatures.

CLETUS: Bye!



ANYHOO. i hope those tickled your funny bone. i have lots more, but i think you've seen enough....anyways, u guys got any ideas for new sketches?

[marksiwel]

sigh...You have no talent. Dont post your "scripts" here. Dont post here, unless your IQ goes up 100 points.
Also Father knows best wasnt funny, even when it was a REAL show with REAL writers, but your page long P.O.S was less than funny it was sad, it made me want to lie down and drink. People screaming they are on PCP or High isnt funny...its stupid, it something you would see on South Park...By the way South Park still sucks.
The Holy Wars thing was unfunny, unorignal, and not even offense( which was sad since because of the subject matter) it was just childish. Also stop posting here
Stupid Hunter jokes, has never been funny, will never be funny. Stop Posting here.

So in short I know your just a 14 year old kid, so read some books, learn about writing, Stop posting here for awhile, and rember Drug Humor isnt funny, nor has it ever been.

[marksiwel]

by the way I hate you

[BUDDY_CHRIST]

drug humor isnt funny? well why are u posting on a message board that originated in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back? and i'd like to see you do a better job

[FanGirl]

I come to these boards because of the website not the movie.

[Tongue]

Have you been watching The Upper Hand repeats on UK Gold? This is just dire. Seriously. No really. It was dire. I've just killed two family members in frustration thanks to you. You don't have a funny bone in your body. Even your FUNNY BONEisseriously lacking in the mirth department.

Please for the sake of all this fluffy and nice. Stop now

[code6enterprises]

Dude, that first one is not funny, it's sad. An 11 Year Old getting pregnant is stupid and an immature thing to write about. I couldn't even finsh the first script so I didn't bother to reads the others. Now go to church and learn some moral values.

[ratm1966]

I have a feeling I might have to use this pic a lot with the newbs....

http://www.nerdie.com/images/stfunewbie.jpg

[code6enterprises]

Make that thing your signiature.

[marksiwel]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
drug humor isnt funny? well why are u posting on a message board that originated in Jay &amp; Silent Bob Strike Back? and i'd like to see you do a better job

[/ QUOTE ]

First off, when you refer to me you spell it "You" not "u" or you can allways write "Oh great one better than I"

Also I can and Have done a better job. I can take a Sh*t and it would be better than what you wrote. Also why would I want to make a better version of bad Tv Shows?

[straight2video]

it was alright it was like pleasant ville with a creepy twist but you do have potential for a nine year old buddychrist!

[Matthew]

I am sure he will take that witty and intelligent remark to heart.

(Just in case that went over your head straight2video, look up the word "sarcasm".)