Letters to Doctor Cox

[DoctorCox]

Here at Poopshoot radio we get all kinds of letters asking Doctor Cox for advice. Questions like "Dear Doctor Cox, how do I remove human blood stains from my carpet in the entry". Of course, as I told McBeth, every one knows you shout at the carpet it for a while. Provide it some discipline. If that doesn't work then throw it out, even if it did really tie the room together.

This week I bring you the letter sent to Doctor Cox's PM by a individual named "Stavthekebabman"

Title: penis on your head
Dear Dr. Cox: You are a bit of a loser. i think that you should find some friends ok and stop bitching with blindmonkey and snoochiepoochie.

Dear Stav: Yes, while Shout gets out what Stav gets into, I would recommend just plain old Drano to clear up those hair clogs. When people you love just are not giving you the attention that you crave, do the right thing. Call Judge Judy and finally get back that downpayment on the Mo-Bile home you so crave.

For the rest of you, questions for Dr. Cox? Post here and I will be happy to diagnose your problems.

[Ball_LicKerS_69]

hi, Doctor cox I have a few problems I thought you could help me sort out. I dont really know where to start so here goes ok??

First off I watched jay and silent bob stike back and saw this site and wanted to post here. at first, I wanted to post something inteligent but found myslef compelled beyond all reason to tell you all that you are the ball LicKerZ. Because you are. The ball lickers.

the thing is I am actually fairly educated but choose to act stupid. See? I can actually stop and formulate a sentence correctly, speak clearly, punctuate, use capitalization and act appropriately when I put in a little minimal effort. ahhhh! but then all that goes out the window when i get overwelmed by the urge to be a fuckin worthless newby ass-hole NOOTCH!

do you know anyone else with this problems? What are some general symptoms and sideaffects?? could it be causing my anal leakage, insecurity with my penis, sexual obsession with Jasons Mewes and Lee, and all around general lack of friends?

ok thanks you bye
/forums/images/icons/smile.gif /forums/images/icons/frown.gif /forums/images/icons/blush.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/wink.gif /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif /forums/images/icons/cool.gif /forums/images/icons/crazy.gif /forums/images/icons/mad.gif /forums/images/icons/shocked.gif /forums/images/icons/smirk.gif /forums/images/icons/grin.gif /forums/images/icons/ooo.gif /forums/images/icons/confused.gif

P.S. I would again like to emphasize that you are the ones who are the ball lickers. Thank you.

[Ryall]

>do you know anyone else with this problems?

I'll let Doctor Cox handle the rest, but I can tell you how we cure such problems around these parts. You know like in the old west when you had an injury and got gangrene in your foot or somewhere? You know how they cured that? They cut it off. Yeah, that's the same thing we do. Fuckin worthless newby ass-holes don't have a long life expectancy around here...

[DoctorCox]

I see my esteemed collegue, Dr. Ryall, has already been here to diagnose your problem Sparklepants Malone. Even though he only plays a Doctor on Days of Our Lives does not mean he is unable to perform the dense-a-bot-omy that you so richly need.

On to your question...

Dear Ball Lickers 69,

" I watched jay and silent bob stike back"
Stop. Put some Neosporin on the wound, wrap with a clean plastic bandage (perferably with pictures from The Lion King on it), wait three days, and listen to some Sinatra. If this does not work we will amputate.

I wanted to post something inteligent
As my momma always said, "never get a tatoo in prison made out of Bic ink." She also said "there is a big difference between 'want' and 'ability'. Think about this. It may bring new meaning to your question.

NOOTCH!
Bless you! Now see what happens when you don't take care of yourself. Just last week I saw you walking down the road without your clothes on, trying to re-enact the picture in Madonna's gender titled book "Sex". It is not healthy to be doing that without at least a scarf. Or maybe a turban. I vote for both, because Dr. Cox is a safety guy above all else.

could it be causing my anal leakage, insecurity with my penis, sexual obsession with Jasons Mewes and Lee, and all around general lack of friends?
Actually, I have good news! All of these problems are actually caused by a defect in your PituitaryMotelyCrue gland malfunctioning. When you were born your body figured out that your mind wasn't quick up to par. Oh wait, the anal leakage is actually caused by the strange things you have been eating recently. Stay off of the balls, even licking them for a week and you will be all spiffed up again.

What does concern me is your addiction to emotioncons. /forums/images/icons/blush.gif , yes /forums/images/icons/blush.gif I think I may have just the ticket to get that infection cleared up. Repeat after me...
The rain in Spain falls neatly on the plain...The Rain in Spain falls neatly on the plain

If you are not fixed my Monday I will have to hook you up to the GoodCharlotteNicklebackChineseWaterTorture machine and see if we can't beat it out of you.

Thank you for your inquiry HopelessInSeattle!
Dr. Cox

[Droogan_Leader]

Have you banned this guy yet? /forums/images/icons/grin.gif

[Dave]

Why would anyone want to ban Dr. Cox? It's obvious he's only here to help.

[DarthMaulRat]

I find it funny that Ball Lickerz actually had a moment of reflection and can see that he's a newb. Perhaps there's a rehab clinic for him.

[Ball_LicKerS_69]

Sparklepants Malone?? i dont play for the LakerS. Nootch!

"Stop. Put some Neosporin on the wound, wrap with a clean plastic bandage (perferably with pictures from The Lion King on it), wait three days, and listen to some Sinatra. If this does not work we will amputate"

if I did that it might make me not wanna copy jay fat buds mewes and do somehting original. Who wood wann do that?? isn't this the sight from the movie were jay says he's the C.L.I.T. Commander and his girl is boo boo kitty fuck and the stuff about eating shit and shitting out the shit? That stuff is funny like the funniest in the movie!! plus the Lion King is for sissy little kids and i'm like 35 and a tax attourney....BEYATCH...like Herbert Cornfeld style!! /forums/images/icons/grin.gif /forums/images/icons/smile.gif /forums/images/icons/cool.gif /forums/images/icons/blush.gif

"there is a big difference between 'want' and 'ability'.

ok so what UR sayin is wanting to do somethign is different then being able to do something? yeah UR right cuz thats my problem. I just can't control myself all of a sudden on here cuz i thought copying jay phat buds mewes and irritating people and acting like a jackass not thinking about what I'm doing is the only way to be cool!!

"Stay off of the balls, even licking them for a week and you will be all spiffed up again."

Well, you've got me there.

"The rain in Spain falls neatly on the plain...The Rain in Spain falls neatly on the plain"

the rain in spain falls neetly on the plaIne

egh!

The rain in Spain falls neetly on the plaine

geh!

The rain in Spain falls neatly on the plain...

Ok, wait, wait, wait...So let me see if I'm interpreting this correctly.

First, communication is important. I only need a 5th grade education to know proper capitalization and basic punctuation which helps people understand what I'm saying. I should also at least make an effort to spell correctly.

Wait. I feel better already!

THANK YOU DOCTOR COX!!

/forums/images/icons/smile.gif /forums/images/icons/cool.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/shocked.gif /forums/images/icons/grin.gif ...
ahp! Sorry. Last time, I promise.

[DoctorCox]

Nnnnnnnggglad I could help, if in fact there is a cure for whatever infectious groove apparently so debilitatingly ails you. Though without a proper exam, I would be hesitant to offer any OFFICIAL diagnosis.

See, Swoozie, as a legal eagle, soaring so very way high above the clouds of justice (and could that be condensated bongwater?), you must know that malpractice is, as the Spanish call it, a bad practice.

Lest we veer to far into international flavor, your clap on clap off command of the English language is at best, let me squash that last spark of emotion, good. Yet something tells me when you... lick balls... I have this sneaking suspicion some trolley accident that defies your level of storytelling capability caused your brain to ever and forever confuse the words "balls" and "frozen flagpole."

That or Solomon Grundy you were born on Monday, and somebody's right behindja' at that a' keyboard, just a choppin' away! WHACK! I'm smart! WHACK! I'm dumb! WHACK! I'm smart! WHACK! I'm dumb! WHACK! I'm smart! WHACK! I'm dumb! WHACK! I'm smart! WHACK! I'm a ducky! WHACK! I'm dumb! WHACK! I'm smart! WHACK! I'm dumb! Ahhhhhh...

[Omaru]

It's stupid threads like this that almost make me wish we were still being bombarded by idiotic preteens.
They technically have more of an excuse for their behaviour.
Albiet the key word was 'almost'

[Droogan_Leader]

You know what would been real nice? If MPS attracted more Clerks fans. I wish there were as many Clerks fans as there are Jay and Bob fans. Then our prisons would be full of smart people, but there would be a lot fewer stupid people (because the smart people would've killed them), and because of conjugal visits, a new generation of prison babies would emerge of only smart Clerks fans, and thus the world would be rid of preteen fruitbars like these imbeciles.

[Queue "Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season trailer]

...Clerks fans, choose your weapons!

Sorry to any intelligent Jay and Bob fans... /forums/images/icons/grin.gif

[Mighty_Wingman]

Dear Dr. Cox,

I've recieved a troubling message in my inbox, You being a doctor I was hoping you could help me as you've helped so many.

Message as follows:
************************************************** *************

1. 0vera1l erect11e functiOn
2. Partners' s~atisfaction with s`exua1l Intercourse .
3. s^atisfaction with the hardness of erect11e.
4. D0CTOR_&_F.D.A a*pproved !
************************************************** **************

I've been saying these things about myself for years, I didn't think anyone had noticed?

I recieve this e-mail two to three times weekly from different senders and e-mail accounts but the message is always the same.

Whatever am I to do ?

Then I got a PM from :mikedapimp187
************************************************** **************
yo man what do u think about jay and silent bob

************************************************** *************

Do you think "silent bob " is a reference for quiet oral stimulation ?

I'm so perplexed. What to do ?

[FanGirl]

"They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?"

Just a random quote from Firefly to put things in perspective. Can we pretend Dr. Cox is a surgeon and cut on him, please? I say we practice brain transplants.