Weird, but important question...

[Droogan_Leader]

Okay, I'm just wondering what to do here, so if you've got a minute, hear me out.

I used to work at Bestbuy, with a pretty cool guy we'll call Jim. He is married to a girl I work with now at another job, who we'll call Jane. I know Jim, and so feel really bad for him, because Jane, unbeknownst to Jim, is cheating on him. Several people in the office know, because Jane talks about what she is doing, and it is an ongoing affair. Her lover is married with three kids, to boot. We all think it's pretty rotten, and there is a plot to inform Jim of what is going on.

Do I owe it to Jim to inform him? Should I even get involved? One of the office girls asked me as a guy, if it was happening to me, if I'd want to know--I had to answer yes, because as heartbreaking as it would be, I'd have to.

So, what say ye, MPS crew?

[karmattack]

I'm not saying it is the right thing to do, but here's the first thing that came to my mind:

First, does she know that you used to work together?

I would write an anonymous letter saying that I know "Jim" and maybe explain some things that prove I do. Then I would say that I know of her situation and that Jim deserves to know. I plan on telling him myself, but wanted to let her know so that she could do the classy and moral thing which is to tell him herself.

Something like that, maybe. More than anything, you're right to want to do something in my opinion. This is a situation that needs to end on behalf of your friend.

These things almost never go well for anyone involved. If you do go in, grab an umbrella because a shitstorm is forecast.

[Zens_7s]

If there is one thing I know in life: They ALWAYS kill the messenger.

Sadly, although your intentions are of the upmost honor, I would NOT recommend telling him yourself.

* First, it is a personal problem between those two, and no matter how much he will tell you he appreciates your honesty eventually he will grow to resent you for being the bearer of bad tidings. Often people stay together after situations like this and you will be eliminated from their lives completely, and often demonized more that her for "distroying their trust".

*Second, you must question whether the guy doesn't already suspect this himself and just is choosing to ignore it and not look for proof. It is extremely rare that people don't have suspicions about their signifigant others infidelity. It isn't really your place to decide to push that issue to the forefront. If you do, and he is intentionally trying to ignore it, it will just turn you into the bad guy.

*Third, being the bearer of that kind of tidings makes a man feel a fool. When a man (or woman) feels a fool in front of someone else they will do everything they can to push that person out of their life, regardless of good intention.

My advice...stay FAR FAR away. If you have to say something do it anonymously with a well placed letter advising him to look into his personal affairs with his girlfriend and this other man. It technically is not any of your business, so you need not feel guilty about stepping away from the situation.

[in_diana_jones]

I wouldn't approach Jim right off the bat. Think about it. With three kids, do you really want them divorced? I recommend approaching Jane first. Tell her how you feel and that it isn't right.

[Jason_Brown]

Egads, that's a heck of a gerkin! Safest course, obviously, is to stay out of it and feign ignorance, if Jim ever finds out. If you really consider Jim a friend, you should probably tell him, for his own good. As an alternative, you could confront Jane, and demand that she 'fess up, or else. Practically, if you get in the middle of this, you risk alienating a co-worker (Jane), which could have more of an impact on your day-to-day life, than alienating a guy you used to work with.

In conclusion, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

[BAMSS04]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But

The road to heaven is paved with good deeds.

Its a coin toss either way!

[karmattack]

Zens is exactly right. I told an aquaintance about his cheating girlfriend; he was suspicious and asked me if I knew anything. I did.

I felt so terrible for him because she treated him like a jackass know-nothing and used him. She would laugh about it and make jokes. So, I told him everything I knew (which I knew factually) and he cried and thanked me. Not a week later, neither person was talking to me -- her because I ratted her out, him because his love-is-blind heart believed her when she said I was lying. Ah well. In my particular case, I actually gained by not having either of them around.**I couldn't give him names or a starting point to check into things for himself. That's where your story and mine differ from the sound of it.**

Zens' idea might be a little better than mine. Maybe send an anonymous (again) letter to your friend with some details and tell him to look into particular "affairs." Ah, I kill me.

[Droogan_Leader]

Thanks, all, for your input.

Jane, as it happens, is my boss, so that complicates things a bit.

And, I decided to stay out of it, but the girls from work snuck into her office and printed out the emails that she kept from this guy, and plan to deliver them to Jim (I think they're going to do it anonymously).

The whole thing just sucks. They showed me the letters, and I felt so bad for Jim. I actually didn't know him but so well, but when I worked with him, he was always a nice guy. And, I hate it when good people get bad news.

Anyway, we'll see what happens--again, thanks for your help everyone.

[FanGirl]

Depending on level of loyality you feel, I would approach Jane first and since you don't know her as well as your friend a note to her is sufficent. If nothing changes, then I would tell him.

It's going to suck no matter what happens. Just do what you think is best for all parties.

[jjcourtright]

Yup. Karma and Zens are correct. Stay far away. Always act as if you didn't/don't know. Then, when he calls you, go out for a beer with him. But, stay away from: she was no good for you, that bitch...that will be bad when they get back together.

[Dave]

I would warn you against confronting "Jane", as you have to work with her, that means you'll make an enemy at work, and That my friend is something you don't need. I would agree with the "Anon. Informant" I don't know if a letter is the right way to go, but i have to say that if my wife was cheating on me, i would like to know. So figure something out there, or make someone else do it.

Avoid spreading the gossip though, as that will get back to you, and that won't get you anywhere latter on. And another bit of advice, avoid trashing the Ex, if they break up and get back together, that is going to be bad news.

[DarthMaulRat]

Extremely tough situation. No matter who breaks the bad news, it can get ugly. But you should certainly stop your co-workers from anonymously giving those letters to him. Sneaking behind someone's back is always the worst path. My friend cheated with his ex recently and her new partner found out little by little, and there's so many lies they have to keep of track of and its tearing everyone apart, but the victim has it the worst. If you could contact Jim's parents or any of his close relatives, try that. Or talk to some counselor. This isn't a situation for a hero, you shouldn't make this ordeal any worse for you than it is.

[bwdial]

My personal life is a goddamn train wreck, so I'll stay out of the advice game, except to say just watch your back. It seems to me that a lot of people are involved in this thing, and that means the daggers can come from anywhere. The trainwreck has at least taught me that...watch your own ass!

[Omaru]

Don't get involved, let other people do what they think is okay, but just play it dumb throughout.

[JIM]

With Me being a fellow "JIM" I have to say:

Jim has to find out.
Jim needs to know.
Jim has to hire a private investigator.
Jim needs a good lawyer.

I hope things work out for Jim.

[ratm1966]

I am not gonna give advice on this subject, because either way, if it blows up in your face, I don't want to be the one whose advice you followed. Then you would be mad at me.

[Jason_Brown]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Jim needs a good lawyer.


[/ QUOTE ]

Hey! Here I am! Will litigate for food! (Oh, wait. You said "good" lawyer. Nevermind.)

[Droogan_Leader]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
if it blows up in your face, I don't want to be the one whose advice you followed. Then you would be mad at me.

[/ QUOTE ]
As serious as this topic is, I had to laugh at your post, ratm1966.

And to everybody else, again, thanks for your words of wisdom--I kinda backed off from dealing with it or being directly involved in any way. I don't even know what they're planning at this point, but as I thought about what you guys said, it does seem like a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. He's going to find out pretty soon whether I'm involved or not, so I don't feel bad.

What gets me is how the girls snuck on her computer to get the emails. Seems like that is doubtless going to cause some backlash in the office. I definitely don't want to have anything to do with that.

[bwdial]

Which is precisely why I said to watch your own ass.

[karmattack]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
Which is precisely why I said to watch your own ass.

[/ QUOTE ] Yeah, you never know what it's doing behind your back.