Patty Jenkins' MONSTER (Newmarket, opening 12.24) came as a surpise. The film delivers far more touchingly than I anticipated, and Charlize Theron's lead performance is pretty close to a revelation.

I didn't know what to expect from this low-budget feature, which I saw last Sunday at a closing-night AFI Film Fest screening at the Arclight, but I was a bit skeptical going in.

I didn't particularly want to see an apologia for Aileen Wournos, the Florida highway serial killer who killed seven guys and was finally executed in April 2002 after 12 years on death row. Especially after having seen Nick Broomfield's documentary about her, AILEEN: LIFE AND DEATH OF A SERIAL KILLER, which emphasized, for me, what a deranged and thoroughly damaged piece of work she was.

What told me the film might be sympathetic to a fault? I don't know, but this notion seeped in somehow.

And I agreed with a critic friend who said two or three weeks ago he's getting tired of showy year-end performances that are supposed to impress us because the actor has put on weight or worn a wig or a prosthetic of some kind, as Nicole Kidman did last year with THE HOURS and MONSTER's Charlize Theron has done here.

And guess what? The movie does portray Wournos in mostly sympathetic, feel-her-pain terms, but my reservations about this went right out the window because I bought it and believed it.

Jenkins' script decides to focus on the relationship between Wournos and her female lover, Selby Wall (Christina Ricci), whom Wournos desperately loved and wanted to care for. She apparently saw in Wall a refuge from the horrors of her day-to-day life. The film is about 85% successful in making this approach work, and that's good enough for me.

And yes, Theron's amazingly Wournos-like appearance, which came about from her adding 30 pounds and wearing prosthetic teeth and having her skin blemished by special makeup...this too is forgotten once she starts submerging herself in this woefully tragic character, a process that begins the instant she first appears on screen.

It's a truly brilliant portrayal by Theron, whom I never perceived as being capable of this kind of work. The repressed rage she uses to make Wournos come alive is amazing. She's literally trembling with it all through the film. Her Aileen is looking for love and refuge every step of the way, but she's so consumed by anger and is so imprisoned by the brutalities inflicted upon her going back to her early teenage years that she can't break out of it, and is basically doomed from the get-go.

I know this sounds like a typical liberal bleeding-heart reaction, and I'm not ignoring the Joe Scarborough line of "what about those guys she killed?, etc.

I'm not saying Theron's performance made me feel Wournos wasn't guilty of seven detestable crimes, but I felt enormously sorry for her. I was touched by the same kind of compassion I felt for Robert Blake's Perry Smith character in IN COLD BLOOD or Humphrey Bogart's Mad Dog Earl in Raoul Walsh's HIGH SIERRA. There's no question she dangerous and bad news, but she's a dog who's been beaten since puppyhood, and you can't just throw that out.

Theron is going to be get some Best Actress action from this, trust me -- the critics, an Academy nomination, a Golden Globe. In fact, it's now looking like a close competition between Theron and two other big-time sufferers -- Naomi Watts in 21 GRAMS and Jennifer Connelly in HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG.

I was especially impressed by the fact that Jenkins had only 29 days to shoot MONSTER, which is a very tight schedule. I'm not trying to throw out an excuse -- the movie is solid -- but to have made a drama that stands up as well as this in just over four weeks' time is quite an achievement.

A word of praise also for Bruce Dern, who plays Wournos' best friend, an aging Vietnam veteran named Thomas, with his usual conviction and aplomb.

Dern has the film's most memorable line when he tells Wournos he understands what it's like to struggle with a difficult past. I don't have a script in front of me, but the line goes something like, "It's not like we've chosen this life and said, 'This is what I want.' It's where you land, and what you have to do to survive from that point on."

Wonderful Drooling Santa

I saw Terry Zwigoff's BAD SANTA (Dimension, Nov. 26) last Friday afternoon, and I was howling and pissing my pants all through it. And I don't usually laugh at movies -- I tend to go "heh-heh" most of the time, and sometimes not even that.

This is the dirtiest, smelliest, most irreverent and most thoroughly foul-minded Xmas movie ever made, and is hands-down one of my favorite all-time comedies. I'm looking forward to owning it on DVD and watching it every Xmas for years to come.

It's so much fun to think about I'm kind-of channeling Billy Bob's alcoholic asshole Santa character, Willie T. Stokes, as I write this. And my first Billy Bob declaration is that the real McCoy got it a bit wrong when he said "this is a story that brings the sensibility of SOUTH PARK to the spirit of IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE."

That suggests the film has some kind of joyously happy ending, when in fact the ending feels fake and jerry-rigged. But it's okay. Don't even think about the finale. Just concentrate on the first 85% to 90% that makes you laugh, and everything'll be fine and you'll tell all your friends to go see it and lose it.

The set-up is basically about a department-store Santa (Thornton) and his pint-sized partner Marcus (Tony Cox, last seen in ME, MYSELF AND IRENE) who bring their jobs to an end each Xmas by robbing their employers blind. The story is about the alcoholic, self-loathing Willie slowly becoming a mensch after becoming friends with a lonely fat kid (Brett Kelly), and gradually stepping into the shoes of his absent dad.

The script is credited to Glenn Ficarra and John Requa, but the basic idea came from executive producers Joel and Ethan Coen. The press kit says their basic pitch was "a bad Santa suddenly changes." It sure as hell feels like a Coen Bros. thing, which is also a way of saying that the sensibilities of the Coens and Zwigoff are very much in synch.

I've been told the Coens did a polish of the SANTA script at some point. SANTA has the same smart-but-surly, fuck-it-all, can-life-get-any-shittier? 'tude I got from what I'm now calling the second funniest film of the year, the Coens' INTOLERABLE CRUELTY.

The difference is that while the main characters were flush and relatively sober in CRUELTY, Willie is a low-rent dirtbag who lives hand-to-mouth. Just as the Coens' THE BIG LEBOWSKI had a total pothead sensibility, BAD SANTA is fueled by alcoholic loser humor.

I guess this means I relate to loser attitudes on some level, but who doesn't? Who hasn't paid a visit to the pits of despair now and then?

Put it this way: The more you despise cheap holiday sentiment, the more you're sickened by the rampant mega-malling of Xmas, the more you want to strangle LOVE ACTUALLY...the more you're going to love BAD SANTA.

The supporting cast is clever and funny all around the track. John Ritter (his final big-screen performance) is extremely subtle and underplayed as a wimpy store manager. Bernie Mac is hilarious as a mall detective -- it makes you marvel at how McG wasted him in CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE. Lauren Graham plays the token Zwigoff fantasy female -- a hot woman in her mid 20s who's into schtupping a drunk in his late 40s. Yeah, right.

One of Matt Drudge's sources has told him "top Disney executives' (read: Michael Eisner) who keep tabs on the Disney-owned Miramax and Dimension Films, are perturbed over Zwigoff's film because it messes with their pro-family image.

I don't know if this is true, but if so it indicates Eisner and his homies have a big stick up their butts. "Nothing appears sacred anymore...this is just not in the spirit of Walt Disney," Drudge quoted a source close to the Big Man.

He's right -- BAD SANTA is not in the spirit of Walt Disney or Mickey Mouse or Goofy or that big fat hippo who dances on her tippy-toes in a ballet skirt in FANTASIA. Now, will whoever said that please leave the fucking room and close the door on his /her way out? Because you're bringing everyone down. Thank you.

Bolognese, Baby

This is a movie column. Last Friday I ran a piece about HUD, a 1963 Paul Newman film. Paul Newman runs a non-profit pasta sauce and salad dressing company called Newman's Own.** It is therefore within the expanded purview of this column to discuss the weird absence of Bolognese sauce in grocery stores and supermarkets across the nation.

I don't live for Bolognese sauce and I'm actually trying to stay away from pasta these days. But I like the taste of it when I do have pasta (during one of my pitifully weak, falling-off-the-wagon moments), but there's no enjoying it at home unless I order take-out. It's hard to find any Italian restaurant in this great country of ours that doesn't offer Bolognese sauce, but you can't find it on store shelves.

This is serious shit, and Butch Cassidy needs to stand up and deal with it. No pasta-sauce maker and no food supplier -- nobody -- is providing Bolognese sauce in the U.S, including Newman's Own. I've sifted through every Los Angeles supermarket and gourmet food store, and explored every gourmet website...forget it.

I lived in Europe (Paris, Italy, Switzerland) for three months last summer, and you can find jars of the stuff in any grocery store or supermarche over there, no sweat. And it tastes great. I bought different brands of it in Paris and Locarno, Switzerland, and in a smallish German village called Altschul, and cooked it each time for the kids and myself. They loved it too.

You can buy all you want in Ireland. Dolmio is reportedly Ireland's No. 1 pasta sauce, with over 50% share of the Irish pasta sauce market. The Dolmio website says that Spaghetti Bolognese is the # 1 Italian meal served in Ireland today.

But there is seemingly an absolute ban on Bolognese sauce in a jar in U.S. stores, and I'm not getting why.

I'm not saying it's Newman's fault entirely, but he's a big wheel in the pasta-sauce business and if he can't grab the bull by the horns, who can? He's got his grinning face on every jar of pasta sauce his company sells, and he's said to be this impetuous, maverick-minded guy, and I'm sure he's used to doing whatever he wants, like all ex-movie stars. Why then has he gone along with this Bolognese sauce shut-out?

I'm not claiming there's a coast-to-coast conspiracy, but it almost feels like one.

I wrote Newman's Own a letter about this on Monday and said at the conclusion, "Fair warning -- if you don't answer, I'm going to say you didn't answer in my Wednesday column." They haven't answered.

** Newman's Own also sells lemonade, microwave popcorn, steak sauce and salsa dressing, and has a side business called Newman's Own Organics that's run by Newman's daughter, Nell.

Commander Rules

"I just saw MASTER AND COMMANDER this weekend. This is the best film of 2003 and if Peter Weir doesn't win an Oscar it will be a travesty right up there with Scorsese losing for RAGING BULL and GOODFELLAS.

"Weir has been shunned by the Oscar for far too long. He should have won for PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK or GALLIPOLI, and this is clearly his masterpiece. Every frame drips with authenticity and meticulous attention to detail. The performances, cinematography and the sounds effects are all first rate. The final battle is just breathtaking. A triumph for all involved.

All this talk about how the film will play with women is without merit. I dragged my girlfriend and my mother to see it. They had been trying to strong-arm me into seeing LOVE ACTUALLY instead, but as MASTER AND COMMANDER ended they clapped louder than I did. They LOVED the film. My girlfriend told me that she hated me for being right and my mom said that this was one of the best historical films she'd ever seen (and she's as much a film fanatic as I am).

"There were also a lot of little kids at the screening, but you could hear a pin drop even during the dialogue scenes. I'm glad to see children can still appreciate smart, literate entertainment in the age of PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN." -- Dan Pridachin, Philadelphia, PA.

"As a huge fan of director Peter Weir, actors Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany, and author Patrick O'Brian, I've been heartened and appreciative to read all your positive comments about MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD.

"This beautiful, profound movie deserves a huge audience, but with mass audiences these days often looking for the biggest spectacle, and not having the patience or the intelligence to follow a subtle, delicately nuanced piece of work like this, I'm afraid it will need all the help it can get to become a financial success. And that is so important, because if these rare jewels in the big-budget crown don't at least pay for themselves, then they'll no longer be made. And that will be a tragedy. So yes, keep plugging away for it in your column -- please.

"But I have to say I'm also offended and bothered by your insinuations -- no, make that outright assertions -- that most women probably won't like this movie with its violent scenes of naval warfare and its all-male cast. You seem to think there might not be anything in it that will appeal to women. Apparently you don't believe there are any women out there deep enough to respond to such magnificent acting and directing, to the volatile, heart-churning battle scenes, and most of all, to the achingly beautiful, tender scenes that tug at your heart and stir your soul?

"Let's see, where to begin with examples of these? How about the one in which Dr. Maturin must amputate Lord Blakeney's arm (I've rarely heard such a deceptively simple line packed with so much overflowing emotion as the one Stephen delivers to the lad when the surgery is through: "I've never seen a braver patient.")

"Or the walk along the beach on the Galapagos with Stephen carried along on his stretcher as his best friend Aubrey strolls beside him. We know what this gift from his friend of a stopover on these extraordinary islands means to the gravely wounded naturalist/doctor. Then there's the scene that shortly follows, in which Maturin extracts the bullet from his own abdomen. It was so real and immediate and up-close that I could almost feel his pain.

"And at the same time, I was deeply touched by his immense courage and fortitude, and by the fact that Aubrey was right by his side throughout (not to mention amused by Jack's unsuccessful attempt to avoid being there).

"But no -- it seems that in your mind, we women must be too preoccupied with our hair, nails, make-up, diets and relationship issues to be moved by such subtle depictions of the most profound human emotions.

"Well, you may be surprised to know that there are many women like me who try to avoid most of the so-called chick flicks like the plague. It's a shame that they don't make more movies that go much deeper in depicting the finer, more noble aspects of female friendships, that there's not a female equivalent to the finest war movies, which show the poignant camaraderie that men develop in combat and other highly dangerous situations.

"That's why many of us women seek out and cherish movies that are often regarded as "guy" movies, movies like THE DEER HUNTER, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, DELIVERANCE, THE THIN RED LINE, GLADIATOR, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, GALLIPOLI, MYSTIC RIVER, and on and on. They satisfy so much better than any fluffy, giggly Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock vehicle ever will that desire and even need to see human beings at their finest and sometimes darkest hours.

"There's another thing I don't get. Why do so many of you guys seem to think that we women viewers would want to watch other impossibly buff and thin women in the so-called 'girl power' movies like the CHARLIE'S ANGELS and LARA CROFT dreck prance about in bikinis, undies and other tight, revealing clothing, when we could be watching a shipful of virile, handsome or at least interesting-looking men firing their powerful cannons, swinging from the rigging, wielding their swords and pistols, etc.?

"I just never understand the reasoning behind calling those T & A extravaganzas 'women's movies.' I'll take a guy in a pair of olive drab fatigues hanging low on his hips, his powerful bare chest glistening with sweat and his biceps bulging as he digs a fox hole, in a movie like, say, PLATOON any day over watching another cheesecake flick passed off as female empowerment.

"Anyway, I don't mean to be too hard on you here, Mr. Wells. I hope I haven't come across as too scolding. As I said earlier, I have enjoyed reading your perceptive, intelligent observations about this movie, and so many other others in your past columns. I just wanted to make you think next time before alienating half of your readership with your rather condescending attitudes towards women. -- Julie Richter, author of a blog on Salon.com.

Wells to Richter: I was only passing along what I understood to be research data from NRG that women weren't feeling as warmly towards this film as older guys. It's great to read your reactions -- you sound pretty cool in my book. But we both know there is a contingent of "women viewers" out there who go to chick flicks and loved CHARLIE'S ANGELS, etc. And we all know that chick flicks get made for a reason, which is that they are sometimes successful. MONA LISA SMILES is said to be oppressively chick-friendly. But I'm glad that you feel as you do, and I hope other women join as they go to MASTER AND COMMANDER.

"Thanks for the strong praise for MASTER AND COMMANDER. I might not have bothered to go watch it except for the fact that your opinion is one of the few on the net that really trust, since my tastes in film seem to be very close to yours.

"I was actually surprised by some of the venom a certain other Poop Shoot movie reviewer had for the film. Maybe you and he should have a chat. I was going to e-mail him, but after reading your second glowing recommendation, I think you'd do a far better job of it.

"Perhaps a small site-exclusive debate over the merits of the film? There's something you don't see on the net very often...a debate between two respected writers that doesn't degrade into a flame-fest...just an idea. -- Jason

Wells to Jason: Naah, don't think so. The other guy feels what he feels about MASTER AND COMMANDER and fair enough.

Melissa Leo

"How much of a Best Supporting Actress contender do you see her as? I'm curious because she's such a great actress, and I'm hoping her career will kick up to the next level.

"I was able to get her to appear in my student film for a few days (this was last year) because she loves acting so much, had the time free, lived right near where we were shooting, and she liked the script, so now, to suddenly see her picture in your column (I haven't seen any review mention her yet, so I didn't know she was in it) was a nice surprise.

"But what kind of chance do you think she has with a nomination?" -- Sean Richardson

Wells to Richardson The film doesn't open until this coming Friday (11.21, limited), so the reviews and reactions will start then. I think she has an excellent chance of being nominated because she's so damn good and just burns through the screen. When you come out of the film you're thinking about the performances on two levels -- the undeniable, knock-down leads (Sean Penn's, Benicio del Toro's, Naomi Watts') and Melissa Leo's, which is in a class of its own.

Bush Bravados

"I've always read your column for your sharp yet accessible film reviews and news. One of the things that sets yours apart from other columns is your willingess to address other issues whether they are related to the film industry or not.

"Your reactions to that documentary about the Iraq war [Robert Greenwalkd's UNCOVERED: THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE IRAQ WAR] were succinct and well put. My head has been swimming for months wondering if anyone else would notice that Bush seemed to think the country would be too stupid to at least ask for more information about his actions in the war. It's as if he assumed on September 12th that the majority of citizens couldn't tell the difference between all the brown people in the Middle East and went ahead with his plan with a feeling of skewed justification.

That you deftly tied in your opinions with notes on a current documentary and a classic western [THE BRAVADOS] make their place in your column all that much more justified. Keep up the good work. " -- T.J. Chambers

"I'm a longtime reader of the site, but I've gotten annoyed time to time by the sometimes out-of- nowhere slams against those on the political right or middle. Your site has shown itself not to be blatantly leftist, especially with the recent no-so-favorable review of Michael Moore's 'Dude, Where's My Country?' compared with the favorable one of Al Franken's 'Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I don't like the slams against politicians and certain celebrities (which as an entertainment site, you should rag on) I like, but hey, it's a free opinion site, and it does a good job.

"But your recent review of the documentary UNCOVERED and the comparison to the Peck movie THE BRAVADOS did an even better job. In comparing the actions of the Bushes to those of Peck's character, you showed me, in a clear, relatively unbiased way, "who and what they are". I'm one for political equality and all, and I'm still willing to give Bush and the others time to find the sought-after weapons, but you're I can also see him and others for what they are -- flawed people who use lies.

I've never been a staunch Democrat or Republican, but I liked Bush, and still do, but I doubt I'll be voting for him unless he comes clean.

"Anyway, thank you for using entertainment to make a good, personal, political opinion instead of using a movie review to make a simple Bush joke or something. If you can ever use movies to show how the people we vote for just might really be acting, I plead for you to continue to do so. I hope you, and everyone at the site, keeps up the good work. Thanks for helping me keep my eyes open. " -- Cole Williams

Wells to Williams: Thanks, Cole. That's good to hear and well put. Much appreciated.

Newman's Own

"I used to work for Ralston Purina, and sometimes would tag along when we'd go to celebs' homes to shoot their pets for the annual calendars. Newman has a letter from someone in Montana framed in his bathroom in his Connecticut home which I'll paraphrase: 'Dear Mr. Newman -- On the ranch, my wife and I cook everything from scratch, including our spaghetti sauce. But recently she won a jar of your sauce in a raffle and we tried it. It's a really wonderful product, and we'd like to compliment you on it. I mentioned it to a friend, and he said that you're also a movie actor. I'm going to look out for your movies, and if you do as good a job in those as you do with your spaghetti sauce, I'm sure I'll really enjoy them.'" -- Joe Hanrahan

The Passion of the Santa

"I read with interest your praise for BAD SANTA -- a movie I've heard nothing but sensational things about. Which made me all the more baffled earlier this week and came across a commentary by Lou Dobbs on CNN's 'Moneyline.' I had the poor judgment to listen to what the ever-pompous Dobbs (he's like an Enron executive crossed with Pat Robertson) had to say because he was talking about this terrible thing Disney had done. It turned out he was referring to BAD SANTA.

"Dobbs went on a venomous rant about how it's the most vile, awful film he's ever seen, that it effectively (and I'm not exaggerating) wipes away the family-friendly image Disney has cultivated for decades and that Michael Eisner should be 'ashamed' of himself. Now, while moviegoers couldn't care less what Dobbs thinks -- his comments made me want to see the movie more -- there are probably a few Disney executives or stockholders who do watch 'Moneyline.'

"This can't be good news, then, for the film or its makers in the eyes of its parent studio. Will other right-wing broadcasters (like the entire Fox News network) target the film too? Maybe they should re-title the film THE LAST TEMPTATION OF SANTA CLAUS and have Billy Bob bed the virgin Mary." -- Kevin Williamson