Lopez turns in a powerhouse performance in one early film in particular, a delicate human drama about struggling documentary filmmakers whose relationship is jeopardized by their inability to commit. And also a giant 40-foot snake. But mostly the inability to commit.

Yes, some saw ANACONDA as a dopey horror extravaganza with mediocre special effects and a script adapted from urinal graffiti, but they completely miss the point. Underneath the ridiculous plot and utter disregard for reality is a tender love story. And also a giant snake that occasionally projectile vomits monkeys. But mostly the tender love story.

Ms. Lopez plays Terri Flores, a budding filmmaker who gets her first big assignment directing a documentary about a lost tribe of Amazonians, because we all know that the big money is in non-fiction films about disturbing native cultures. Actually, as I understand it, the film crew's plan was to find the Amazonians, feed them nothing but McDonald's for a month, tell them how much George Bush sucks, and then force them to compete in the National Spelling Bee.

Sadly, this ahead-of-its-time documentary never has a chance, because before they find the tribe, their boat picks up Jon Voight, who, near as I can make out, is playing Tony Montana possessed by a pirate. He's an ex-priest-turned-snake-hunter (coincidentally the second most common career choice for ex-priests, after carnie) with a sinister plan to... honestly, I have no idea. The movie never really tells us. But he has a plan, and it's sinister. You can tell this, because he scowls a lot.

So the film crew and their Eric Stoltz-y guide proceed down the river, utterly unhampered by the fact that he seems to have no idea where they are going or when they will get there. This is all part of Voight's asinine plan. Somehow he diverts them into the lair of the anaconda, because having a boatload of filmmakers will somehow allow him to capture the snake, or, at the very least, grimace a lot and look menacing. Just like always happens when you pick up stray Voights, the crew are attacked by a crazed pig, airborne baby snakes, and a killer underwater wasp, but no anaconda, because that's just what they would be expecting him to do. Instead, he's off viciously attacking stuffed panthers, because that's what anacondas do.

Again, all part of Jonny's asinine plan. Yes, it's all coming together at last.

So we're halfway into the movie, and so far the worst our heroes have had to endure is a nibbled forefinger and Voight's accent. Fortunately, the anaconda has gotten bored with taxidermied cats and decides to move on to even less-lifelike prey. He works his way through the cast in reverse order of billing and/or hygiene, starting with the greasy, nameless first mate. Then, inexplicably, the sound guy (Owen Wilson, how could you?) ditches his impossibly hot girlfriend to side with Voight and his goofy accent. Perhaps he's hoping this will win him favor with the old man and possibly an introduction to his daughter. That's what I would do. Whatever the reason, the two of them hold the rest of the crew hostage while Voight goes giant snake fishing off the bow using dead monkeys for bait. Just like my dad used to do. Yep, those were the days.

Pretty soon, bad CGI has winnowed the cast down to just Lopez and her sassy cameraman, played by Ice Cube, in a sensitive, nuanced performance that screams "Oscar!" As well as "Look out!" And "What's that?" Also, "Behind you!" But I kid Cube. Please don't shoot me.

Voight ties the pair up in the snake's lair, an abandoned warehouse (yeah... I know), and douses them with monkey blood, which makes a convincing case that it's not the snake he's after, but monkeys. Unfortunately, MONKEY! on a marquee just wouldn't sell tickets, so ANACONDA it is. Anyway, the whole thing ends badly for everyone involved, what with being variously ingested, regurgitated, chased by a flaming snake, and generally having a very bad day. After all that, does Cube get the girl? No, she rushes back to Stoltz, who was in bed the whole time. Typical.

You could be forgiven for mistaking this for a big, dumb monster movie, but you would be wrong. You see, this is actually a delicate love story that just happens to feature a hideous, nasty reptile. But enough about Jon Voight. No, you see, this movie is all just a metaphor. An allegory, if you will, for the struggles of being in love, of contending with the pitfalls of a relationship. The snake merely symbolizes the pressures that occasionally puke up the half-digested monkeys of turmoil all over us. When times are difficult, we must band together against the Jon Voights of the world, who seek to throw us into the waters of uncertainty, where we will be digested by the giant, flaming anaconda of negativity. Only when we kill the snake with our pickaxe of love can we overcome.

Of course, our true love will still ditch us for a puny redheaded wuss. But, hey, you can't win 'em all.

NEXT WEEK: What to do when your pickaxe of love has the oozing sores of bad timing.

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