August 13, 2004
DEMOLISHED
When you read this, it will be The Future. That's right. I am writing to you from the dank basement of time's house that is The Past, where we still use "toilet paper," wear "pants," and are not ruled by a race of "superintelligent apes." Although I understand they are only 2 seats away from control of the Senate.
Anyway, do me a favor, Future Boy (or Girl, if indeed we still have genders in The Future): Does everyone wear muumuus and worship Ben Kingsley? No? Thank God. That means DEMOLITION MAN hasn't come true.
Yet.
It could still happen, so you need to be vigilant. The Future could turn into a Sylvester Stallone movie at any moment, and you would have only yourself to blame. Because only YOU can prevent TANGO & CASH 2.
What, you may ask, is so wrong with a future where there is no crime, no pollution, and where Denis Leary is forced to live in the sewer? You mean besides the fact that the entire male gender seems to have been given a queer makeover, the only restaurant is Taco Bell, and sex is limited to putting on headphones and having acid flashbacks? Or the fact that Sylvester Stallone seems to be the only marginally intelligent person alive?
In order to prevent this nightmarish, boneheaded future from becoming reality, Addicted to Bad presents the DEMOLITION MAN Quiz, because if I learned anything from this film (besides "never, ever end your script with a poop joke"), it's that you must know the enemy to beat him. Especially when that enemy dresses like an extra from "Beat It."
1. DEMOLITION MAN-era Stallone is...
A) At the top of his game.
B) At the top of someone else's game.
C) At the top of some kind of game, but not the one he's playing in here.
D) Kinda gamey.
2. The filmmakers:
A) Wanted to look at the dark side of a utopia.
B) Wanted to present a balanced look at maintaining an orderly society.
C) Saw this as their chance to make a comment on the potential excesses of the legal system.
D) Wanted to see what would happen if they crossed BLADE RUNNER with suck.
3. In the future:
A) Cussing is outlawed.
B) Sex is outlawed.
C) Deviant behavior is outlawed.
D) Howard Stern shot himself.
4. Which of the following is not one of the bad soap opera last
names used in the film?
A) Spartan.
B) Phoenix.
C) Friendly.
D) Totaldouchebagpoliticianberg.
5. In the future, criminals are...
A) frozen.
B) given a stern talking-to and a time-out.
C) made to watch STOP, OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT endlessly.
D) forcibly dressed like Slippery When Wet-era Bon Jovi.
6. Stallone's character is convicted of a crime he did not commit. That crime is...
A) the murder of Helen Kimble.
B) sucking without a license.
C) publicly fraternizing with Rob Schneider.
D) ROCKY V.
7. What the hell happened to Sandra Bullock's eyebrows?
A) In the future, bushy eyebrows are outlawed.
B) Eyebrows? What eyebrows?
C) It was 1993, man. "The Vulcan" was in.
D) Like Samson's hair, Sandra's eyebrows are directly tied to her ability to make good career choices. One bad wax and... bam! SPEED 3.
8. Who should be the most ashamed here?
A) Co-screenwriter Daniel ("HEATHERS") Waters.
B) "Alfredo Garcia" Benjamin ("I Nailed Julia Roberts") Bratt.
C) "Taco Bell Entertainer" Dan ("VERONICA'S CLOSET") Cortese*
D) Society.
9. In the future:
A) Los Angeles and San Diego have merged to become a giant zoo filled with actors.
B) the architecture is designed by Apple, the fashions by Kenobi.
C) Jeffrey Dahmer, Scott Peterson, and Dennis Rodman are alive and well; good taste has long since passed on.
D) people sound just like Charlie Brown when they fall down.
10. Which of the following is not an actual line of dialogue from DEMOLITION MAN?
A) Mellow greetings, sir. What seems to be your boggle?
B) It is only a matter of tick-tocks.
C) I procured you a domicile right down the corner from mine.
D) Inquire not those things the nation-state which you live in can provide for yourselves, inquire that which you yourselves may be able to provide for the nation-state which you live in.
Essay section: DEMOLITION MAN is a movie. Why?
NEXT WEEK: The Worst Actor of All-Time? Benji. God, he sucked.
* Not because of the movie, just in general.
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