August 6, 2004
WITCH IS WORSE
If I have learned nothing else from Lindsay Lohan it's this: It's not nice to make fun of the retarded. Oh, and, okay, you should never date the relative of a Backstreet Boy or a cast member of THAT ‘70s SHOW. But who doesn't know that by now? I'll tell you who: My mom.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I'm sorry, but something has to be said about the makers of BOOK OF SHADOWS: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT 2, who clearly suffer from some form of debilitating mental condition that should restrict them from using scissors, much less editing equipment. At the very least, give them something no one cares about to work on, like a MATRIX sequel.
As it happens, I was able to track down BOOK OF SHADOWS's co-screenwriter ("Big Gary") for an exclusive interview.
ATB: Thank you, Big Gary, for agreeing to this interview.
BG: I like pie!
ATB: Let's dive right in. Whose idea was it to base the sheriff in the movie on Rosco from DUKES OF HAZZARD?
BG: My name is Gary. [points to himself] Gaar-eee. [claps]
ATB: So... it was your idea? Bold, Gary. Very bold, throwing such a comical element into a horror movie. Weren't you at all concerned about varying the tone like that?
BG: You're my friend!
ATB: That seems a bit unfair to take the audience for granted like that, Gary.
BG: Gar-ee. [claps]
I would have asked him more, but he said his break was almost over, and those Wal-Mart customers weren't going to greet themselves.
Laudable as such equal opportunity hiring practices are in the film community, it still doesn't make for engaging, or indeed watchable, cinema. For one thing, I'm fairly certain that BLAIR WITCH 2 was edited entirely at random. Perhaps the editor's cat took a nap on the equipment. I would hate to imagine that anyone would willingly edit back and forth between flashbacks, flash-forwards, dream sequences, and what I'm fairly certain is an entirely different movie.
What little plot I could discern, this movie mirrors the first by taking a random group of idiots and throwing them into the woods. Inspired by (or blatantly stealing from) the J. Peterman Reality Tour episode from Seinfeld, the characters are there to visit sites made famous by, believe it or not, the first movie. That's right: These fictional characters have actually seen the first film, and apparently they've modeled their lives after the people in it, because they're all irretrievably stupid.
Our heroes, folks: a Wiccan, a former mental patient, a Goth psychic, a dork, and his pregnant girlfriend. Or Witchy, Crazy, Blackie, Dorky, and Preggo. Hey... weren't those the ghosts in Ms. Pac-Man? Anyway, after some utterly inexplicable flashbacks to Crazy's asylum days, we're flung headfirst into the woods, where he's busy taking the rest of the gang on a hike through the sites in the first movie. Thankfully, he brought a compass, so we avoid having to watch two hours of idiots with no sense of direction yelling at each other.
They set up camp at one of the landmarks and are promptly accosted by another film crew (there's a metaphor for the movie if ever there was one) and their tour group. The victims... I'm sorry, I mean "other tour group," are tricked into going to another campsite, and then our heroes proceed to get totally ripped on "the dope." When they awake five hours later Preggo's head is shaved, Blackie and Witchy are missing presumed having a very good time, and Crazy and Dorky have matching Ashton Kutcher tattoos.
Okay, it's nothing as exciting as all that. Mostly they yell at each other too much and get really freaked out about their "missing five hours." Under normal circumstances, it would be a safe bet to assume that they, you know, got too wasted and passed out, but since this is a movie and they got high, they probably killed a bunch of people.
Thank you, Nancy Reagan.
I'd summarize the rest of the movie, but I can't because it makes no sense, something that the rest of the characters helpfully point out several times. All I know is, it involves a retreat to an abandoned broom factory (subtle, guys), incoherent dreams, kids in bad makeup, and a close-up of a bloody crotch. Thank you, movie.
Instead, I would like to speak directly to the executives who greenlit BLAIR WITCH 2. The following is a short list of things that would have made a better sequel to the first film than BOOK OF SHADOWS (a publication that is never shown or even referred to in the film, I might add, but is available from your local library):
- THE BLAIR WITCH BABIES
- BLAIR WITCH 2: THE BOOK OF RECIPIES
- THE GLENDA THE GOOD WITCH PROJECT
- THE BLAIR WITCHES ON ICE!
- BLAIR WITCH II: THE SHINING (really just THE SHINING with a new title, which, you have to admit, has to be much better)
- A GOOD MOVIE THAT MAKES SENSE (a long shot, I know)
- BLAIR WITCH 2: BLAIR WITCHIER
- BLAIR WITCH 2: WITCH IN THE CITY
- LOOK WHO'S WICCAN NOW
- THE BLAIR MONKEY PROJECT
And, finally:
NEXT WEEK: Bad movies: Good?
(The author would like to point out that fine -- and comprehensible -- BLAIR WITCH merchandise is available from the good people at Oni Press. Tell them Rosco sent you!)
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